"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
   " We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
   The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:"
   Management won't answer questions

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:"
   After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple ofthe real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
   We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
   Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:"
   We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
   You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"
   Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
   Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
   We have no quality control.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
   You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
   You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
   You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
   Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"
   You whine, you're fired.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

 "DESIGN"
What you regret not doing later on in the project.

"ADVANCED DESIGN"
The advertising agency doesn't understand it

 "DESIGNED SIMPLICITY"
We've cut costs to the bone

 "REDESIGNED"
Previous faults corrected... we hope.

"FOOLPROOF OPERATION"
We've made no provisions for adjustments.

"MEETING"
An assembly of self-appointed experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.

*** JOB  APPLICANT  SPEAK ***

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
   I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
   I blame others for my mistakes.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
   The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

*** EMPLOYEE  SPEAK ***

ADVICE FROM EMPLOYEES TO THEIR MANAGER

1. Never give me work in the morning.   Always wait until 4 p.m. and then bring it in to me.   The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing.   That helps.   Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which one is the priority.   I am psychic.

5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.   If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.   If you don't like my work, tell everyone.   I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

7. Never introduce me to people you are with.   I have no right to know anything.     In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.   When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

8. Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell you toady creep.

9. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.

10. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

* * * and now, signs you are working too hard * * *

1. When you make calls from your flat, you automatically dial "9" to get an outside line.

2. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.

3. You haven't played solitaire with REAL cards in years, and your reason for not staying in touch with old mates is that they still don't have email.

4. You've sat at the same desk for three years and worked for four different companies.

5. You were one of the ones who actually believed the crap in the interview about the share options.

6. Your biggest loss from a computer crash is all of your jokes (and the naughty sheep pix).

7. You're already late on that project you were just assigned.

8. Every week another collection envelope comes around because someone you didn't even know had started is leaving. And you keep wondering who's going to be left to put money into YOUR "leaving" envelope.

9. Yer ma describes your job as "works with computers".

10. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your mates, but it crosses your mind that they may have seen it already, but you can' be bothered to check, so - shag it - you forward it anyway.

Here are the main linguistic differences between you and your boss 

• When you take a long time, you're "slow". When your boss takes ages, s/he's "thorough". 

• When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, s/he's "too busy". 

• When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, s/he's "only human". 

• When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's "initiative". 

• When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, s/he's "being firm". 

• When you're out of the office, you're "wandering around".  When your boss is out of the office, s/he's "on business"

• When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, s/he "must be very ill". 

• When you apply for leave, you "must be going for an  interview". When your boss applies for leave, it's because s/he's "overworked".

The 11 ifs of work

1. If it rings, put it on hold

2. If it rattles, call the service technician

3. If it whistles, ignore it

4. If it is a friend, stop everything and chat

5. If it the boss, look busy

6. If it talks, pretend to take notes

7. If it makes sense, take notes

8. If its handwritten, type it

9. If it is typed, copy it

10. If it is copied, file it

11. If it is Friday, FORGET IT and leave!!!

All the jobs I've had

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got the sack because I couldn't concentrate.   Then I worked in the woods , but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.   After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.   Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.   I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.   I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.   My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found it wasn't note worthy.   I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.   Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.   I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.   I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.   My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.   After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

Laws Of Work

1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

3. Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

15. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

16. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

17. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

18. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

19. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

24. Following the rules will not get the job done.

25. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

26. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

27. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

28. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Watch out for managers who say . . .
I didn't say it was your fault.  I said I was going to blame it on you.

Ever notice how Christmas is like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets the credit.

Standard end of month report:
All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.

There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full!

and in the interests of international relations . . 

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss
and everyone else is Irish.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Now that there are no jobs in Ireland any more, I bring you...

Not-Quite-Famous Job Interview Lines!

• Julius Caesar: "My last job involved a lot of office politics and backstabbing. So I'd really like to get away from all that."

• Jesse James: "I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organisation, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous blue-chip financial institutions."

•  Marie Antoinette: "My management style has been criticised, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person."

•  Michael Collins: "I've specialised in intelligent content management systems, and just-in-time production methods. And flying. And columns. Aviation journalism basically."

•  Lucretia Borgia: "My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one."

• Brian Boru (or was it Hamlet?): "I worked my way up to senior executive level and fought a series of successful boardroom skirmishes, but there was a hostile takeover by a Scandinavian company."

• Genghis Khan: "My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organisation, and the populations of several large countries."

How To Improve Your Attitude To Work

These are probably the very final last-ditch things you might try...

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the feck do you expect me to do this, f**k face?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: Ye talk a right loada bollix sometimes!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This crap won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner ye gobshite?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his backside.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir, can I help?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss me arse.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Feck it, I'm staff.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your arse.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think ye could do with more training.
INSTEAD OF: Ye don't know what the feck you're doing.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. My sole wasn't in it.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-centre), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

I was forced to try being a train driver, but it seemed i was being railroaded into it. I couldn't keep track of what i was doing, and eventually come to the end of the line.

I wanted to become a pilot, but found my head was always in the clouds, and that job ended when i flew into a turbulent argument with management. It was plane to see that the sky wasn't the limit, and I'd been grounded.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

All I want . . .

All I want is less to do, more time to do it and higher pay for not getting it finished. Is that so much to ask?

All I want is a ob with 6 months holidays twice a year.  Is that so much to ask?

Definitions

What's the definition of ignorance?
I don't know.

What's the definition of apathy?
I don't care.

What's the definition of coincidence?
Funny, I was just going to ask you the same thing.

What's the definition of deja-vu?
Didn't you already ask me that before?

What's the definition of verbatim?
What's the definition of verbatim?

What's the definition of paraphrasing?
You mean you want me to tell you what "paraphrasing" means?

What's the definition of miscommunication?
I don't understand the question.

What's the definition of time travel?
I'll tell you yesterday.

What's the definition of busy?
I don't have time to tell you.

What's the definition of puzzled?
Huh?

What's the definition of sleeping?
Zzzzzz...

What's the definition of dictionary?
Go look it up yourself.

What's the definition of procrastinate?
I'll tell you later.

The Employee's Ten Commandments

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

My computer doesn't understand me.

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!

I'd rather be driving a golf ball.

I'm not always 100% right, but I'm never wrong!

and finally . . .

Another month ends.
All targets met.
All systems working.
All customers satisfied.
All staff eagerly enthusiastic.
All pigs fed and ready to fly.

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Copyright © 2002 N. O'Byrne