NEIL’s UNIVERSAL LAWS, and PUZZLES ON LIFE

NEIL’S SECOND LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilisation.

NEIL’S THIRD LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit, thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.

NEIL’S FOURTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
One is successful when they can lay a firm foundation with bricks thrown at them by others.

NEIL’S FIFTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

NEIL’S SIXTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
Any product cut to length will be cut too short

NEIL’S SEVENTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

NEIL’S EIGHTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
Rome didn't create a great empire by scheduling meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

NEIL’S FIRST LAW OF LANGUAGE
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

NEIL’S SECOND LAW OF LANGUAGE
Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense.

NEIL’S FIRST MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Anything based on greed and avarice is on a firm footing and will prevail.

NEIL’S SECOND MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Don't worry if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want.

NEIL’S THIRD MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

NEIL’S FOURTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

NEIL’S FIFTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
By the time you get to the point where ends meet, someone moves the ends.

NEIL’S SIXTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

NEIL’S SEVENTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Its easy to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

NEIL’S EIGHTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
A budget is a way of going broke methodically.

NEIL’S NINTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
I finally realized what I should have done with my life. I should have been a consultant, specializing in hindsight.

NEIL’S FIRST PRINCIPLE OF SPORT
Never, never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

NEIL’S SECOND PRINCIPLE OF SPORT
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

NEIL’S SECOND PRINCIPLE OF SPORT
If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.

NEIL’S FIRST EQUIPMENT LAW
It works better if you plug it in.

NEIL’S SECOND EQUIPMENT LAW
When all else fails, read the instructions.

NEIL’S THIRD EQUIPMENT LAW
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that cannot be solved by brute strength or ignorance.

NEIL’S FOURTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

NEIL’S FIFTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough

NEIL’S SIXTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If nobody uses it, there's a reason

NEIL’S SEVENTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If it jams, force it. If it breaks - it needed replacing anyway

NEIL’S EIGHTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

NEIL’S EIGHTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If at first you don't succeed, check in the bin for the instructions

NEIL’S NINTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

NEIL’S TENTH EQUIPMENT LAW
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

NEIL’S ELEVENTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

NEIL’S TWELFTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

NEIL’S FIRST PHOTOCOPIER LAW
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

NEIL’S SECOND PHOTOCOPIER LAW
Anything confidential will be found on the photocopier

NEIL’S FIRST LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Don't ask a barber if you need a haircut.

NEIL’S SECOND LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
All conversations with a potato should be in private.

NEIL’S THIRD LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

NEIL’S FOURTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
A crisis is when you can't say "Let's just forget the whole thing."

NEIL’S FIFTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

NEIL’S SIXTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

NEIL’S SEVENTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

NEIL’S EIGHT LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

NEIL’S NINTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"

NEIL’S TENTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Laugh in the face of danger, then run and hide until it goes away

NEIL’S ELEVENTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again

NEIL’S TWELFTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before

NEIL’S SOBRIETY TEST
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

NEIL’S FIRST LAW OF HOLDING ON
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

NEIL’S FIRST OBSERVATION ON LAW
Litigation will expand to absorb the total amount of money available.

NEIL’S SECOND OBSERVATION ON LAW
If written correctly, legalese is perfectly incomprehensible.

NEIL’S THIRD OBSERVATION ON LAW
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

NEIL’S LAW OF NON-RECIPROCAL EXPECTATION
Negative expectation yields negative results. Positive expectation yields negative results.

NEIL'S FIRST LAW OF REALITY
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.

NEIL’S LAW OF TRAVEL
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next junction..

NEIL’S FIRST LAW OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
Never, ever, fly on the airline of the country from which you are departing.

NEIL’S SECOND LAW OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
You cannot get off a non-stop flight!

NEIL’S THIRD LAW OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip!

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 1
How does the person who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 2
Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is not allowed there?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 3
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 4
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 5
Is it possible to imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 6
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 7
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 8
Why do you need sometimes to produce a driver's license to buy drink when you can't drink and drive?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 9
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 10
If you were open-minded would your brains fall out.

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 11
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 12
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 13
Why is the bloke who invests all your money called a broker?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 14
Where does your lap go when you stand up?