Battle Zone

DOGS.....

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you're gone
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with
Dogs don't criticize your friends
Dogs admit when they're jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw)
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence
No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
Dogs are good with kids
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.(OK the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you)
Dogs understand what "no" means
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization
Dogs don't make a proactive of killing their own species
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside
Dogs do not read at the table
Dogs think you are a culinary genius
You can house train a dog
You can force a dog to take a bath
Dogs don't correct your stories
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake
Dogs admit it when they're lost
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff
Dogs look at your eyes
Dogs like your size
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs
Dogs take care of their own needs
Dogs are color blind
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you
Dogs are nice to your relatives
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them

How Dogs and Men are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both like to chew wood
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what's bothering them
Both tend to smell riper with age
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither knows how to talk on the phone
Neither understands what you see in cats

Why Men are Better than Dogs

Men only have two feet that track in mud
Men can buy you presents
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block
Men are a little bit more subtle
Men don't eat cat turds on the sly
Men open their own cans
Dogs have dog breath all the time
Men can do math stuff
Holiday Inns accept men

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

What do women and spaghetti have in common? They both squirm when you eat them.

Continuing Education Courses for Women:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to "Go" in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?"-Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
and my personal favorite....
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.

Why do women fake orgasms ? Because men fake foreplay.

Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.

Why do women have periods ? Because they deserve them.

I always know when my wife is having a really good orgasm... She wakes me up!

A man and his wife are watching a porno movie and the husband asks his wife "How come when you orgasm, you never scream or shout like those women?" The wife replies "I do, but you're never there."

What is the difference between a woman's G-spot and a golf ball? A man will spend an hour looking for a golf ball.

What do fat women and mopeds have in common? They're both fun to ride until one of your friends sees you on them.

Whats the difference between pizza and pussy? You eat the crust on pizza

Do you know why us guys don't eat out our girl friends first thing in the morning? A: Well have YOU ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich???

What does Wife stand for ? Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? Becuase it doesn't need cleaning.

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?" He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

A New Lexicon For Women About Men

*Neanderful.* Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over the last few hundred years, as evidenced by the Tonya Harding affair. Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and killed for you!" Women need a way to indicate appreciation and revulsion at the same time. Now, there's a word. "Og, that was really neanderful; now please drag the bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your club, and be sure to write me from jail."

*Manslobber.* Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who keep pressing a button which administers a dose of potentially pleasurable, but eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date just doesn't get through to the bundle of glands that is yapping at your heels, women may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to press manslobber charges."

*Mammopia.* This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't seem to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts. When this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm up here! You need radial keratotomy for that severe case of mammopia."

*Premature Articulation.* This phrase would be used to assail the "Schwing Reflex," which causes men to make vulgar comments about attractive women who pass within their field of view. An occasional "Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological responses are not controllable (if they were, oh happy day!). Still, men ought to know better than to say things like "Here, chickie, chickie" or "Come to Papa!" The problem is: men speak before they think. The next time it happens, women may retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a case of premature articulation?"

*Haskellate.* Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver, this phrase would be used to castigate men who heap meaningless flattery on women with all their motives ulterior. When the doo-doo gets deep, women could say "if these flurries haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep in it."

*Blowhole.* Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who must nod through a nice meal while her date sounds off about his {completely made-up} accomplishments. When this happens, she should say "Moby dear, why don't you submerge now and give your blowhole a little rest. You're getting the other diners a little wet."

THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY:

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's just watch Dallas together.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.

THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douce that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

Hazardous Materials Information Safe Handling Data Sheet

WOMAN-Chemical Analysis:

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: ACCEPTED AS 63.5 KG BUT VARIES FROM 20 TO 200 kg
OCCURRENCE: COPIOUS QUANTITIES in URBAN AREAS.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes for no known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if it is applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously and for no reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but saturation in alcohol increases activity.
5. Is the most powerful money reducing agent know to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TEST:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.

BEFORE YOU LIVE TOGETHER / AFTER YOU LIVE TOGETHER
He takes you out to have a good time...../ He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" He holds your hand in public......./ He flicks your ear in public A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad......./ A King size bed feels like an army cot You are turned on at the sight of him naked..../ You think to yourself.... "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" You enjoyed foreplay...../ You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason / He grabs your boob any chance he gets You picture the two of you together, growing old...../ You wonder who will die first Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"... / When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. He knows what the "hamper" is... / The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area He understands if you "aren't in the mood"..... / He says "It's your job." He understands that you have "male" friends... / He thinks they are all out to steal you away He likes to "discuss" things..... / He develops a "blank" stare He calls you by name.... / He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore... marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

A young man soon to be married asked an older friend who had been married a long time how he and his wife keep away from arguing. Well before we married we made a deal. She will decide in all small matters and I will decide in the great matters. How has this worked out the younger man asked. Well there haven been any great matters

His And Hers ATMs

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written
on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Women are the easiest to tell when they hit 40. You just count the rings under their eyes.

For men, you're middle aged if your crowd considers you sexy just because you still have hair.

Men and women know they've reached middle age when they notice kids are getting noisier and the latest music is getting worse.

Anybody who can remember when "boobs" meant "the dumb kids" surely qualifies for middle age.

Ain't it hell though to reach your "September Years" and discover that you blew the best of July and August.

And ain't it funny how when you're 50, suddenly 60 doesn't sound all that old anymore.

I'd love to know what part of the body whoever said "Life begins at forty" was referring to -- seems to me that every damn thing else is starting to wear out then.

Middle age is usually reckoned at between 40 - 60. It's easy to tell when you hit there though, regardless of age, by the way it hits ya back.

You younger people out there -- wait until the first time your kids or Grandkids reveal that they are studying in "history class" events you lived through.

A MAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car.
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas.
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep.
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

Man's Best Friend
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do ityourself.

Women's Snappy Comebacks to Pick-Up Lines Well, women have heard just about all of the pickup lines out there! So, here is a page for the women to have a comeback line for the fellars! :)

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking.
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

A woman is like a tea bag: You never know her strength, until you drop her in hot water."

HAIRCUT:

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

Many men say women cannot be trusted too far
Many women, on the other hand, say men cannot be trusted too close
Most men realize they'll never be able to "change" any woman
Women try to "change" men, but they only succeed when he's a baby
A lot of men claim they're "well read"
Women insist the sports pages, comics & "PlayBoy" don't count
Most husbands would love to do all of the things their wives suspect they're doing all the time
Most wives think their husbands got a prize when they married them
Most husbands think they should have gotten a reward instead
There are still a few men who claim to be "self-made" men
There are no self-made women; their plans change too often to finish
Men say if you don't praise women, they think you don't care
Women say if you praise men, they think they're too good for you
Fathers believe that wrinkles are hereditary
Mothers KNOW that wrinkles come from husbands and kids
When a man sez "nice dress", he's referring to cleavage or skin showing
When a woman sez "nice dress", she's referring to material or design
Men wonder if they'll "get lucky" on a date
Women already know
Men abandon logic after too much alcohol
Women may become illogical after too much passion
Men wake up looking about the same as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate during the night
Men will pay $6 for a $1 item they want
Women will pay $1 for a $6 item they don't want or need
Successful men make more money than their wives can spend
Successful women are the ones who find such men
Men marry women expecting that they won't change & they do
Women marry men expecting they will change, but they won't
Men have a sense of humor to enjoy all aspects of life
Women have no sense of humor so they may tolerate men & not laugh at them
Men have approximately 7 articles they need to wash, shave, etc.
Women have at least 437 to accomplish the same tasks
Men grocery shop by buying everything that looks good
Women carefully shop guided by the list they spent 3 hours preparing

RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW:
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat ass in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.
AND FINALLY,
41. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.