Battle Zone

Woman's Wine Quote: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Contributed by Denese Hayes

A man and a woman have been married for 30 years, and in all those years he had never allowed her to look in the trunk of his car. One day, the man is out of town on a buisiness related trip and his wife finds his spare set of keys. Unable to resist temptation, she goes out to the car and looks in the trunk, where she finds a bag containing $10,000 and an ear of corn. When her husband returns, she tells him what she has done and demands that he explain what's going on. He says, "Well, as for the corn, every time I was unfaithful to you, I would buy an ear and put it in the trunk." After she recovers from the shock of his being unfaithful she says, "Well, what about the $10,000?" He replies, "Every time I accumulated a bushel, I sold it."

On their wedding anniversary, the redneck's wife asked her husband, "Homer, should I kill a chicken for tonight?" "Nah," he answered. "Why blame a bird for something that happened twenty years ago?"

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the examination was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you. . ." "I know, I know," the the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked this question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

"Do you expect me to believe that you were playing golf from seven in the morning until seven in the evening?" the wife asked her husband. "You should have been home by three." "Now, let me explain, Carol," Harry replied. "I got up at dawn and picked Fred up at six A.M., but on the way to the course, I had a flat tire. I didn't have a spare, so I had to walk a couple of miles to the service station. By the time I got back to the car, it was after nine. Then we ran out of gas, and that cost an hour. We didn't tee-off until eleven." "You still should have been home by three," Carol replied. "I'm not finished," Harry explained. "Everything was fine for the first two holes, but then Fred had a heart attack. I ran to the clubhouse to find a doctor, but no luck. By the time I got back, Fred was dead. So for the next sixteen holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred. . ."

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

A couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!" The wife says, "Bobby! There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?" The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass -- you'd better brace yourself."

Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the street next to the green. One of the men takes off his hat and holds it over his heart. When the procession has passed, the other man says, "That was a nice gesture." "Well," the first guy says, "after twenty years of marriage, it was the least I could do for her."

Gary matched Dan drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was troubling him. Gentle prodding was ignored until finally, after downing the sixth, Dan blurted out, "OK, it's your wife." "My wife?" his friend demanded. "What about my wife?" Dan replied, "I think she's cheating on us."

How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows. It's never happened.

Have you heard about the new morning after pill for men? It changes his blood type.

Jake was on his deathbed, with his wife Becky at his side. With tears streaming down his face, he said, "Becky, I must confess. . ." Becky interupted, "Hush. Don't try to talk." But Jake insisted, "No, I want to die with a clean conscience. I must confess, I've been unfaithful to you." Becky replied, "Yes, I know. Why else would I have poisoned you?"

Why did God create women? He realized He made a mistake the first time.

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60? Four men watching a football game.

How do you know God isn't a woman? If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

Why do so many women fake orgasms? Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why did God create men? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why did the tribes in Israel wander the desert for forty years? Because even back then, men wouldn't stop to ask directions.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so she can vaccuum.

A man was complaining to his friend: "I had it all. . . money, a beautiful house, a nice car, the love of a beautiful woman. . . then Poof! It was all gone." "What happened?" asked the friend. The first man replied, "My wife found out."

What's the difference between a man and childbirth? One is an almost unbearable pain and the other involves having a baby.

Why do men tend to name their penises? They want to be on a first name basis with anything that makes 95% of their decisions for them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have enough time.

How many men does it take to shingle a roof? It depends on how thin you slice them.

Husband: "Want a quickie?" Wife: "As opposed to what?"

The morning after their honeymoon, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're a really lousy lover." The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

When the concerned wife called him at home for the third time, the doctor lost his patience. "There isn't a damn thing wrong with your husband," he said. "I've checked him out thoroughly and he only thinks he's sick." A week later the woman ran into the physician on the street. "How's your husband?" he asked. "Terrible," the woman replied. "Now he thinks he's dead."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the state lottery!" Martha replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man says, "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon."

A man and his wife enter a dentist's office. The wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. Don't use gas or novacaine because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins were covered with dark, savage bruises. "Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?" "Neither," said the man. "My wife and I play bridge."

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her. He says, "Say, honey. . . I'd really like to get into those pants o' yours." "Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

How do you know when your wife is a lousy cook? She uses the smoke detector as a timer.

Sitting at the bar, glum Roger told the barkeeper that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. "Yeah," said Roger, "would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?" "No way in hell," the bartender said. "Well," said Roger, "neither would my fiancee."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath, and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in a six o'clock in the morning!" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

A son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you're dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue." Adam says, "That sounds great." God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

On the first day of school, the college dean addressed the freshman class to explain some of the campus rules. "The women's dormitory is off-limits to male students and the men's dorm is off-limits to female students," he intoned. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time, $60 the second time and $180 the third time. Does anyone have any questions?" A male student raised his hand. "How much for a season pass?"

While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet. He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."

A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you?"the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago,"she replied. "If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?" "Well,"said the woman,"he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

The last five things a man would say:
(1) While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
(2) Her tits are just too big.
(3) Sometimes I just want to be held.
(4) Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
(5) Fuck the Stanley Cup, let's watch Murphy Brown.


The last five things a woman would say:
(1) Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
(2) This diamond is way too big!
(3) Sure, let's watch Baywatch!
(4) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
(5) My mistake. You must be right again.

A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you" "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower? Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.

What's a man's idea of a romantic evening? A candlelit football stadium.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him.............. is he still wrong?

At a dinner party several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so," responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

How do you cure a nymphomaniac? Marry her!

Two new elements on the periodic table:

Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not treated well.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Very active. Posseses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

USAGE: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for the disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN
Symbol: Xy
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#&*!
Atomic Weight: 180+/- 100

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Explosive when mixed with Kd (element kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

USAGE: None, really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

CAUTION: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17. beer
25. bourbon
35. vodka
48. double vodka
66. maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17. My parents are away for the weekend
25. My girlfriend is away for the weekend
35. My fiancee is away for the weekend
48. My wife is away for the weekend
66. My second wife is dead

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17. sex
25. sex
35. sex
48. sex
66. napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17. tongue
25. breakfast
35. She didn`t set back my therapy
48. I didn`t have to meet her kids
66. Got home alive

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17. getting to third
25. airplane sex
35. menage a trois
48. taking the company public
66. swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT`S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17. 25
25. 35
35. 48
48. 48
66. 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17. Triple stephen king feature at a drive in
25. split the check before we go back to my place
35. just come over
48. just come over and cook
66. sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17. wine coolers
25. white wine
35. red wine
48. dom perignon
66. shot of jack with an ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17. need to wash my hair
25. need to wash and condition my hair
35. need to color my hair
48. need to have francois color my hair
66. need to color my wig

AGE FAVORIT SPORT
17. shopping
25. shopping
35. shopping
48. shopping
66. shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17. burger king
25. free meal
35. a diamond
48. a bigger diamond
66. home alone

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17. tall dark and handsome
25. tall dark and handsome with money
35. tall dark and handsome with money and a brain
48. a man with hair
66. a man

AGE WHAT`S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17. 17
25. 25
35. 35
48. 48
66. 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17. he offers to pay
25. he pays
35. he cooks breakfast the next morning
48. he cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66. he can`t chew breakfast