General Area

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing. "Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!" "WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the Frenchman said, smacking his lips. So the Italian shot her.

REALLY BIG LIST OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a-door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
If you throw a cat out the window, is it considered kitty litter?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?
Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON. how do they make it stick to the pan?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. why are there locks on the doors?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Can a fat person go skinny dipping?
Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with out hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If a cow laughed. would milk come out her nose?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light. what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment. but when you transport something by ship. its cargo?
You know that little indestructable black box that is used on planes. Why dont they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address. you turn down the volume on the radio?

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knows much more about the game then they do, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She replies, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That *was* very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off the sack holding the family jewels?" "That was very painful too, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half."

Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say:

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

Diet as per a two year-old:

Most two year olds are trim,so here is a diet formulated by observing the lifestyle of these youngsters.Enter into it at your own risk:

DAY ONE
Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime Snack:
Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon..

DAY THREE
Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and place on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch:
Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites on floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast:
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to the dog.

Lunch:
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Genuine Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords...

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10.Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11.Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12.Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.
13.Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14.I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15.When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

These are actual statements taken from cards, letters and forms received by public assistance agencies.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died which was baptized on a sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10.I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
11.Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
12.My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
13.You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
14.I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.
15.In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16.I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the Doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn't done me any good.
17.(In response to the question, "Why have you applied for public assistance?") "My husband left me last month and I am in need of ass."
18.Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October.

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. "He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year. When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one." If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'" Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered. The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly. Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief? Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom. Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else." Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Dear Desdemona:
Darling, are you all right? I got your letter and I'm a wreck. Your father doesn't know this, but I'm living on valium. Now what's all this about a handkerchief? If you can't find it, give the nut a kleenex and tell him to drop dead. So how's this Emilia working out? Listen, she might be a doll but watch the jewelry. You never know. Sweetheart, you've got to get away for a while. Come to Florida. Look, you haven't seen the condominium yet. Come. You'll relax. You'll forget about that animal. You'll never guess who was in Miami last week. Don Carlo and his stepmother, Elizabeth. Could you die? What goes on in that family, don't ask! I invited them to stay with us, but they wanted to do the Fountainbleu scene. Okay, so you're coming, because I'm not taking no for an answer. Besides, there's a new low fare from Cyprus to Miami and your ticket's already in the mail. Before you leave, call me person-to-person and ask for yourself. I'll meet you at the airport. See you on Saturday. Love,
Mother

Dear Brunnhilde: Listen, I know you're asleep on that rock, but that doesn't mean you can't pick up a phone. Your father's pressure is up again, and tomorrow he goes on the Scarsdale diet. Your sisters are louder than ever, night and day with that screaming and the hard rock, you should excuse the expression. As for me, I can't taste food anymore and Dr. Friedman says that the varicose veins are popping out again. But, all in all, I can't complain.
Love,
Mother

Dear Amelia,
Hello stranger. I never know where to reach you; one day Sweden, one day Boston. I never know where the Hell you are. Honestly, I don't know how you keep up with all this traveling. You really want my opinion of this guy? I think you're crazy. I know a king is a king, but your husband is not exactly working in the post office. Be careful; you're asking for trouble. So you're going to a masked ball. Let me know how the smorgasbord is. Amelia, aren't there any nice Jewish men in Sweden? Who's this Sam?
Love,
Mother

Dear Papageno,
So now it's birds. First it was law, then catering, now it's birds. Your father is heartbroken. Son, we've stood by you all this time. We gave you the loan for NYU, and then the down payment for the Carvel franchise. We wanted to help you until you got on your feet, so, nu? Papageno, we've had enough. Your father has taken you out of the will and we don't want to have anything to do with you anymore. Call me.
Mother

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk. Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

One day there was a girl named Cinderella. She wanted to go to the ball, but her evil step-mother wouldn*t let her. She was sitting in the garden crying when all of a sudden her fairy god-mother appeared. "What*s wrong, Cinderella?" she asked. Cinderella said "I wanted to go to the ball but step-mother won*t let me!" "Don*t worry, Cinderella * you can go to the ball, but only on two conditions!" said fairy god-mother. "What are the conditions?" asked Cinderella. "Well, you have to be home by 2 am and you have to wear a diaphragm!" said the fairy god-mother. "Ok, but what happens if I*m not home by 2 am?" asked Cinderella. "Well, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin!" said the fairy god-mother. So off Cinderella went to the ball, and 2 am came and went and there was no sign of Cinderella. When Cinderella finally came in at 5 am, she was looking very satisfied. "Where have you been, Cinderella, and what happened to your diaphragm?" asked the fairy god-mother. "Well, I met this prince and he took care of everything." Said Cinderella. "Who is this prince * I*ve heard of no such prince with these powers!" asked the fairy god-mother. "Oh, his name is Peter, Peter, something or other..."

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well," mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" If it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now." So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later." Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?" "Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'. 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'. The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Mrs. Rapoport and Mrs. Schwartz were sitting around the lunchroom table at the senior citizens high rise. "So, Mrs. Rapoport. What's new?" "Vell" said Mrs. Rapoport, "Last night I vent out vith Mr. Stein, and he vas such a gentleman. Vhy, ven he came to the door to pick me up, he brought roses. Then ven ve vent out to eat, such a gentleman. He ordered lobster vith all zee trimmings. Ven ve vent home, he held zee door for me, but ven ve got into mine house, he ripped off all my clothes, dragged me to the bedroom and had his vay vith me..." "Oh, my goodness!" said Mrs. Stein. "Why, I have a date with him tonight! What do you think I should do?" "Vell, if I vere you, I vould vear old clothes..."

These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears: "OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really make these bears mad. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth" "Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!" "Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

There was a huge nut tree inside the cemetery near the fence. One day, two boys filled a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree to divide them amongst themselves. "POne for you, one for me. One for you. One for me." The budget was so full that some of the nuts rolled down a small hill towards the fence. There was a third boy riding his bicycle down the road nextt to the cemetery. As he passed, he thought he heard voices coming form inside the fence. He turned his bike around and sneaked up by the fence to see if he could hear any better. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." He shuddered and thought to himself, "Oh my God! That must be Satan and St. Peter dividing up the souls in the cemetery!" He jumped on his bike and pedaled as fast as he could where he saw an old man with a cane hobbling along. The young boy explained to the old man what he had heard and so they both went back to investigate. Sure enough, they heard "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you weren't lying were you?" They eased up a little closer to the fence and heard, "Okay, that's all of them. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." Rumor has it that the old man made it back to town ten minutes before the boy!

The KGB has its uses
The phone rings at KGB headquarters. They answer: "Hello?" "Hello, is this KGB?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. he phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. He answers, "Hello." "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? Answer

Epitaphs, taken from actual tombstones.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team ... "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?" The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah." A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e- mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is
hot down here.

Three men came across a female genie who promised to grant each one a wish. The first man said, "I wish I were twenty five percent smarter." The genie blinked, and the man said, "Hey, I feel smarter already." The second man said, "I wish I were fifty percent smarter." The genie blinked, and the man exclaimed, "That's wonderful!! I think I know things now that I didn't know before." The third man said, " I'd like to be one hundred percent smarter. So the genie blinked, and the man changed into a WOMAN......