General AreaEven more......
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die they just lose their balance.
OLD ACTORS never die they just drop a part.
OLD ACTUARIES never die they just get broken down by age and sex.
OLD ARCHERS never die they just bow and quiver.
OLD ARCHITECTS never die they just lose their structures.
OLD BALLOONISTS never die they just get higher and higher.
OLD BANKERS never die they just lose interest.
OLD BASEBALLS never die they just get pitched.
OLD BASKETBALL players never die they just go on dribbling.
OLD BEEKEEPERS never die they just buzz off.
OLD BLONDES never fade they just dye away.
OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die they just lose their figures.
OLD BOTANISTS never die they just wither away.
OLD BOWLERS never die they just end up in the gutter.
OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die they just get bypassed.
OLD CASHIERS never die they just check out.
OLD CASHIERS never die they just get distilled.
OLD CHAUFFEURS never die they just lose their drive.
OLD CHICKENS never die they just get fried.
OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die they just kick the bucket.
OLD CLOTHIERS never die they just lose their shirts.
OLD COMPUTER USERS never die they just lose their memory.
OLD COOKS never die they just get deranged.
OLD COWS never die they just kick the bucket.
OLD DAIRYMEN never die they just get butter and butter.
OLD DAREDEVILS never die they just get discouraged.
OLD DEANS never die they just lose their faculties.
OLD DOCTORS never die they just go to the hospital.
OLDDOCTORS never die they just lose their patience.
OLD DOUGHBOYS never die they just get rolled out.
OLD EGYPTIAN TOURISTS never die - they just go senile.
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die they just lose contact.
OLD ENGINEERS never die they just lose their bearings.
OLD EXTERMINATORS never die they just bug out.
OLD FARMERS never die they just go to seed.
OLD LAWYERS never die. They just lose their appeal.
OLD TRUCKERS never die. They just get a new Volvo....
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain......"you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.".. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." .. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.".."Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." .. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.".. "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.".. "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot." .. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.".. "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.".."For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.".. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.".. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.".. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.".."Germinate: To become a naturalized German.".. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.".."To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
The First Time
The sky was dark, The moon was high, All alone just she and I. Her hair was soft, Her eyes were blue, I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine, I ran my fingers Down her spine. I didn't know how, But I tried my best; I started by placing My hands on her breast. I remember my fear, My fast beating heart, But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when I did it, I felt no shame. All at once, The white stuff came. At last it's finished, It's all over now, My first time ever, At milking a cow.....
Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!
One day this lunatic man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, 'Seventeen!! Seventeen!!' Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The crazy man responded, 'It's a blast. You have to try it.' Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it.' Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, 'Seventeen?' very timidly. The insane man says, 'No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder.' So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, 'Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!' The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The crazy man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from him, causing him to fall to his death.' The crazy man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, 'Eighteen!! Eighteen!!'
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy,"
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
Young Man: Would you like to dance with me? Young Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby! Young Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
Court scene: 1st Lawyer: You're a fool... 2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool. Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes. The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told a joke.Everyone please laugh."
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1) Never tell everything you know....
Why did the blonde wear her ski parka and her raincoat to paint the living room? Because the paint can read, "For best results put on 2 coats."
"A Passionate kiss is like a spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
If 99.9% is good enough then... 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily, 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year, 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled, 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year, 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips, 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year, 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat, 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly, 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections...(Food for thought)
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.
"Did You Know That..."
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. All porcupines float in water. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Camel's milk does not curdle. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." Non-dairy creamer is flammable. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.) The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead"............ Note: These facts are intended as humor. If you contend these facts, please do not email me!
It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute. WHAM! A largemouth bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught two fish! How do you do it?" To which the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm." What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." So the boy spit it into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
There was a bloke in a theatre, sprawled out over three seats. The usher came by and told the bloke to move. The bloke mumbled, but didn't answer, so the usher went to get the manager. "Sir", the manager said to the man "If you don't move, i'll call the police and have you removed" Again the bloke mumbled but didn't move. So the manager called the police and a policeman came over. "Excuse me sir" the policeman said "what's your name?" "Pete" whispered the bloke "And where are you from, Pete?" asked the policeman "The balcony!" replied Pete.
A top movie producer was discussing his new project, an action docudrama about famous composers with several top stars. Stallone, Schwartzeneggar and Van Damme were present. The producer really desired the box office oomph of these three, so they were prepared to allow them to select that famous composers they would portray. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, "I'll play him." The producer was pleased. "Sounds splendid. But who do you want to be Arnold?" ."I'll be Bach..........."
