General Area

Bumper Stickers

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Sex is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

If you don’t die from it—it is healthy.

If everything is going well, you don’t know what the hell is Going on.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Duct tape is like the force—there is a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together

There are three kinds of people—those who can count and those who can’t.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

My homework is like a juicy steak—rarely done.

There are two kinds of pedestrians—the quick and the dead.

If Elvis were alive right now, he’d be scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If at first you don’t succeed—give up! No use being a damn fool.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

All things being equal, you lose.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool mom.

No job is so simple that is can’t be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

Everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?

Why is FOOTball played by hand?

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer one that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they could have at least ironed the damn thing."

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic Type, The Salvation Army Type, and The Baptist Type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Hubby to wife while driving through town: Oh!...I just remembered...I forgot to buy a lottery ticket for today. Hey, let's stop at the first lottery retailer we see and I'll run in and get my ticket. Wifey: Why don't we save a little time?...Just hand me the dollar and I'll throw it out the window as we drive by.

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."

Sample Usage Comparisons:

Standard English Phrase: "He walks slowly" Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time" Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen." Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing, lets go to the beach." Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate." "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom. I'll show you how to do it!"

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank,flippers and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 kilometers away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.

A little boy was walking through a drive-in and passed a car. As he passed the car a used condom flew out of the window. Being a curious little boy, he picked up the condom. As he was walking away the man stuck his head out the window of the car and yelled "Can I please have that back" and the little boy replied "Finders keepers losers weepers". The man said "I will give you $1.00 for it back". And the little boy repeated "Finders keepers losers weepers". The man said how about I give you $5.00 for it, that is a lot of money for a little boy!" And the boy continued to say "Finders keepers losers weepers!!!" The man started to get really upset and said "This is my final offer, I will give you $10.00 for it!!!" The little boy thought for a moment and said "Ok". The man paid the little boy the money, and the little boy ran off to his mommy. The boy found his mommy and said "Guess what mommy?" A man just gave me $10.00". And his mommy replied "For what"? And he said "For a Twinkie, but I ripped the man off because I already sucked all the cream out of the middle!!!"

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?" The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

RECIPE : CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

PS - don't try this at home.

And a reply:

1. I would tend to question the use of a #4 nodulizer for extrusion of the final reaction mixture. At that point, my preference would be to dispense empirically using a teaspoon.

2. The oven temperature is too low by 4 degrees. No sense in being imprecise.

3. One substitution that might appeal to some would be crushed walnuts in place of the peanuts, green peas, or mesquite beans.

4. I think it needs more vanilla.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

UNLAWFUL is to comit a crime..
ILLEGAL is a sick bird......

A priest, a rabbi, and a TV Evangelist were discussing their methods of deciding how much of the collection receipts went to God. "I place a collection plate on the ground," explained the rabbi, "then I throw all the money into the air. What lands on the collection plate is my payment." "I use much the same method," said the priest, "except that I use a laundry basket." The evangelist laughed. "I don't bother with that nonsense," he said. "I just throw everything into the air, and whatever God wants, he's free to keep!"

A young priest was about to preach his first sermon and he told his elder just how nervous he was feeling. "Take two or three good stiff drinks of rum before going to the church," advised the older priest. "That will relax you." He followed the advice he was given and thought he did a pretty good job with his sermon on Sunday morning. After the service, the young priest asked the older priest what he thought of the sermon. "You certainly weren't nervous," the elder priest replied, " but you did make a few mistakes. To begin with, there are 10 commandments, not 14; David slew Goliath, he didn't 'kick the living shit out of him'; Jesus and the disciples are not known as J.C. and the Boys; and the Holy Trinity is not Pops, Junior, and the Holy Spook!"

Just as a drunk left the bar to walk home, the midnight sky opened up and the hardest rain in years began to fall. The drunk decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery and slid into a freshly-dug grave. Try as he might, he just couldn't get out and decided his best plan of action would be to curl up in a corner and wait for the mud to dry. He was awakened by a body falling onto him and he watched in the rainy darkness as the other man tried to climb out of the grave. Over and over again, the man jumped up only to slide back down in the oozing mud. Finally, the first drunk stood up, tapped the second on the shoulder, and said, "You'll never get out." He did!

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself,"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

Q: How do you Catch a White Elephant?
A: Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!

Q: How do you Catch a Grey Elephant?
A: Go to an place where there are grey elephants. Look for a tree that you can climb. Bring with you a mouse. Climb the tree. When the grey elephant is close, drop the mouse in front of it. As all elephants are scared of mice, the grey elephant will be scared, and turn pale with fright. And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary white elephant.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

It's your first time. As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you; you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Come now, what were you thinkin'???????

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,

such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.

Jewish View on When Life Begins There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school

The Corporate Ladder:
When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis.
When Top management are in meetings, they discusses golf.

CONCLUSION: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes, no debts, and no pollution. The women did all the work while the men hunted or fished all day. Ever since then, a bunch of idiotic do-gooders have been trying to "improve" the place.

New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a check. The mugger said dumbfounded, "A Check ? Why would I take a check from you ? I don't even know you !"

Because of budgetary constraints, the City of Baltimore in Maryland has stopped the tradition of giving people a "Key to the City." These days, they just send a guy over and he shows ya how to pick the lock.

Las Vegas is a wild town. An hour after I had checked into a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a woman in there ?" I told him I didn't, so he threw one in.

In a lot of Southern towns, the influence of the Baptist Church is felt in many different walks of life. For example, sexual relations between two unmarried adults is illegal. It seems they felt it might lead to dancing.

California is said to have over a hundred thousand palms. The way I see it though, about 16 or so of them are trees, the rest seem to be maitre d's, parking lot attendants, waiters, bell boys, doormen...