General Area

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."

Not far from me we have a friend who raises Brahma Bulls. I asked how he got them to breed so well, since he has a nice herd. He said that he gave the bulls potency pills and I asked what the pills were made of. He said "Damned if I know, but they taste a little like a saltine."

I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down. Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat. "My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go.

Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite." The newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched." Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, "Don't f**k with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

As we discovered earlier, finding a suitable name for a system can be a trying experience. After trying the name "MYDICK", we experienced some difficulties with our name and dialing the wrong number.

Senerio:
Man calling field service, dials wrong number.
ring......ring......ring..... (sexy female voice answers) "Hello?"
"Hello, I'm calling to report that MYDICK is down."
"Oh, really, and how may I help you?"
"Well, I'm hoping that you can tell me how to get it up."
"This sounds interesting. OK, I can try. Assuming it's not from over using it, do you know what caused it to go down?"
"It got struck by lightening."
GOODNESS, thats awful!!!"
"It's not too bad. It's getting old anyway. I usually only play games with it"
"A lot of my co-workers use theirs for business. Maybe, someday."
"I don't know about using it for business, but only for games is a little bit of a waste, too. Well, since the lightening storm, it doesn't do me much
good, anyway."
"I must admit that you seem to be taking it rather well. My boyfriend would be devastated."
"Oh, it's not such a big deal, it's just a small one. I wanted a larger one, but I couldn't swing it."
"HUMPH, just how big is it?"
"It only stands about 36 inches."
"ONLY 36 INCHES???"
"Yeah, I've seen some as big as 52 inches."
(silence)
"Hello?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I uh, you should be able to swing that!!!"
"They're kinda hard to come by."
"I can imagine. That's what I call hung!!!"
"Yep, it's hung alright."
"Have you tried doing anything with it?"
"Yeah, I tried booting it and I kicked it twice, but it just won't respond."
"Jeez, didn't that hurt?"
"I hurt my foot when I kicked it the second time."
"Damn, I'd think you might be a little more gentle with it. I think if you play with it, you can get it to work again."
"Oh, I've played with it for alomost 2 hours now and it just won't come up.
It seems like it's going to work OK, but then it gets hung in a loop."
"My this sounds like a tough problem."
"It's not an easy one. Could you come over and take a look at it?"
"You bet!!! I'd love to see this."

Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks Little Johnny. "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." "Well, sure," responds Johnny's mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. About 15 minutes later Little Johnny returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy. Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns and once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with Johnny's wishes again, but her curiosity has been peaked to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks Johnny's mother questioningly. "Well, said Little Johnny, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked. "Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly. "Look, I'll give you a raise." "No," she said "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me." "Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..." Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature. Look I have it too...." "Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."

THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

21 Signs That It's Gonna Be A Bad Day
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

3. Your twin forgets your birthday.

4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

5. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

8. Your income tax refund check bounces.

9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

12. You put both contacts in the same eye.

13. Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

16. Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

17. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

18. The Gypsy fortuneteller offers to refund your money.

19. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

20. You call your mom and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, there's a sandwich on the front porch.

21. You start to put on the clothes that you wore to the party last night, and there aren't any.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. "Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked." After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.' "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, "Do you have a condom?". Donald says, "No." Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says, "Yes we do," and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?". Donald says, "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "Sorry, no." "Why," the little girl asks. Mom answers, "Because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the girl. "Go ask your father." The little girl goes out to the garage where her father is working on the family car. She pleads, "Dad, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?" I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you." Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He then took a gasoline soaked rag and rubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep the dog on the leash and only go one time around the block!" The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Astonished, Dad asks, "Where's the dog?" The little girl smiled, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But it's okay ... there's another dog pushing her home".

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but ar you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."

A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty". The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so....... Do you have a piece of gum?

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven`s gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St.Peter says, "I don`t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all."What if it doesn`t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " You can get married in Heaven." "Great,"says the couple, "but what if things don`t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What`s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims,"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it`s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin". The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

Both parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says,"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

And God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything that you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed, as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then,staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously,"What part did you get?"

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit." "Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked. "For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from." "Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell yo something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me." "You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have." "I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?" "Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.  So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks. The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the Yuppette accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, and told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable. When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer said, "Isn't it true on the night of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle that passed through Columbia at speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?" The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her remarkable self- control and composure. Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again?"

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second," she insisted. "You have to promise we won't go past my mother's."

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?" The Indian says, "yes." The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away. A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!" The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!" The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas!" The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?" The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry."

I was due later in that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any spare time. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth, and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room, and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a heavy sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, some cleaning, the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening, my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom! Where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another one from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it!"

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

Well ladies and gentlemen, by now you have heard that we are once again at war with Iraq. This just seems to add to the difficulties of our nation with impeachment looming for the president. So it seems that Bill Clinton is caught between Iraq and a hard on.

A guy goes to see a doctor and the doc asks him what he can do for him. "I want you to take a look at my old fella", the guy says as he drops his pants. So the doc takes a look. After a thorough examination the doc tells him that he can't find anything wrong with it. The guy replies, "I know that, but ain't it a beauty!"

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Two nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two sisters a little nervous. The younger one leans over to the other and says "You know, I've never come this way before." The older nun replies "It's the cobblestones...."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

What does Saddam Hussein and Saddam Hussein's dad have in common? They both didn't withdraw in time.

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."

Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).

"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he

will sit in a boat all day drinking beer"

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off"

Dead Man Sits At Home For Five Years
BONN (Reuters) - A dead German sat in front of his television set for five years, the lights on his Christmas tree flashing beside him, and none of his neighbours noticed. ``Someone said once that he had gone off to a home, I didn't ask any more,'' said Monika Majarres, who lived in the same Hamburg apartment building as Wolfgang Dircks, a divorced, disabled loner who died in 1993, aged 43. The two neighbours on his floor only moved in four years ago and had never seen Dircks, a former toolsmith who had reportedly threatened to whip anyone who asked after him. Other tenants in the building minded their own business. Bild newspaper said Thursday the dead man's letter box, which might have raised the alarm when it overflowed, had been emptied every now and then, though no one knows by whom. The landlords came knocking only after the bank account from which Dirck's rent and bills were paid ran dry. Beside the broken television set and the still twinkling tree they found his skeleton -- his TV listings magazine still on his lap and open on the page for December 5, 1993.

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor. "Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us." "Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man." "You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."