General Area

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Benign.......................What you be after you be eight.
Artery........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her.
Colic...........................A sheep dog.
Coma..........................A punctuation mark.
D&C...........................Where Washington is.
Dilate..........................To live long.
Enema........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
Genital........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node............................I knew it.
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet..........................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . . "

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested." Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered. Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"

The Western Australian Police have just launched a new unit that roves around dealing with trouble spots. It was launched on New Year's Eve with an assignment to control crowds at a large concert; it made the TV news, with an officer proudly saying they were the: Police "Fast Action Response Team" Gotta love that acronym.

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?" "Because I'm a prostitute." She said!

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against
anyone in Poland." "My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor. Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!

Sharon tells me about the Judi in her remote office that put two stamps on the envelope instead of one so it'd arrive faster.

Sandy's boss was talking about the book "Interview With A Vampire".  She went on and on about the details of vampire life as described in the book.  My coworker, Amanpreet, said in all seriousness, "Now is that book Fiction or Non-Fiction?"

Heather says that when she was in Nevada, these two women were playing the slots.  One lady (Judi) turned to Gayle and said, "How much is $5 in quarters?"

A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" "Until my girlfriend dies."

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in- law."

Our office discussions somehow turned to charging hookers on your corporate card (I claim innocence). The obvious problem is getting the expense account cleared with "Hooker" as a line item. We noticed through repeated arduous trials that the local strip club (the French Maid) shows up as "French Restaurant," and decided hookers would do the same thing. But what would they discretely call themselves? "Laptop servicing," of course.

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine". So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yamulka skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife, who then remarried someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness. When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?" "He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint. The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high -- as for only $2000 he could have the bureacrat killed. The wine made it thru just fine.

Two old men are comparing their sex lives:
Man 1: I can still do it twice!
Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?
Man 1: I think the winter.

Then this guy walked up to the lady behind the counter and said, "Do you keep stationery?" She said, "Well, right up to the last minute, then my toes curl up and I turn into an animal."

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!" Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnnie: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnnie: "36" Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnnie: "81" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade." The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?" The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face. The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?" Johnnie: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

One day, during English class, the teach says, "Who can tell me the meaning of 'indifferent'?" The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.  No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The teacher, hesitant, call on him.  "Yes, Johnny?" "Teach, it's means 'lovely'." Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think 'indifferent' means 'lovely'?" "Sure, teach.  Last nite when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'That's lovely.'  Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

There's the story about the man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way." One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what is your way?" "On credit."

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... "Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

Jennifer's friend has two sisters.  We all live in Texas.  The sisters approached my friend and asked where the lighthouses were.  When my friend tried to probe a little bit, the sisters told her, "Yeah, they're good paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper but we don't know where the lighthouses are to apply."  My friend told them there are no lighthouses in Texas. "Let me see that newspaper."  Sure enough, there ads for "Light Housekeeping needed.  Apply in person."

KD set up Judi's computer for her recently to help her get online.  He told her that there was limited space on the "C" drive and anything she downloads should go to the "D" drive. "At one point she called me and asked me how to download. I told her to 'doubleclick'.  She said she didn't have time to learn how to do that.  A couple of days later she said that she had no more space on the "C" drive.  I asked her why didn't she download the stuff to "D". She said, 'I DID. "D" is for "Desktop", right.'"

Dr Ken told me about passing a Chevy Suburban on the hiway. It was towing a boat with an outboard motor.  The motor was obviously in neutral because the propeller was spinning like crazy from the slip-stream under the car.  I turned to my wife, pointed to the boat, and said, tongue in cheek, "Look, that's a good idea.  Those Suburbans are heavy and burn a lot of gas so this guy started his boat motor so the propeller will help PUSH him!"  My wife, said, in all seriousness, wow, that *is* a good idea.  I wonder why more folks don't do that."

Angela's mother bought an Expedition.  "She was observing the raised bumps on the cruise control pad on the steering wheel when she said, 'Oh, look, they have braille so blind people can work the cruise control . . . '"

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle.  He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?" The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up.  "*A*unt, your Holiness." The Pope didn't speak for a second.  "Oh."  He paused.  "Do you have an eraser?"

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

The boss called one of his employees into the office.  "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills? Why can't we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with questions like, "Bubba's got three cars and he done traded for two more. How many cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"

My wife treats me like a god. She feeds me burnt offerings every day.

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages." "Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."

Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.

Free advice is worth what you pay for it.

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Sign in an office:
"This job is only a test
had it been an actual job,
you would have received
raises, bonuses and promotions."

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his fucking guide dog bit me."

THE BATTY HYMN of the REPUGNANT
(Obviously sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)


Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby
And his cutsey little purse.
He wears a purple outfit,
And, dear friends, what's even worse,
He doesn't scratch or spit or belch,
He doesn't even curse.
What kind of guy is he?

CHORUS
Tinky Winky is a fairy.
Moral Morons must be wary.
Ignorance like their's is scary.
And Tinky Winky's gay.

I have seen his little triangle
Where it sits upon his head,
And we all know it's a symbol
For the shame that can't be said.
Now we have to purge this danger
Or our little boys will wed
A wife whose name is Ed.

CHORUS

His defenders say his purse is nothing
But a magic little bag.
That's a cover-up, as we all know,
He's just a little fag!
We cannot let a Teletubby
Appear in purple drag,
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Yes, they call him Tinky Winky.
Does that name sound straight to you?
If he weren't homosexual,
His clothing would be blue!
He's subversive and perverted,
And his pal's a Laa-Laa, too.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

We have seen this Tinky Winky
Near the San Francisco bay.
He's the Marshall of the big parade
They hold on Gay Pride Day.
We'll all join hands and hold a protest
As we march the Moron way.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

He's teaching all our 2 year-olds that gayness is no curse.
He is tearing down the fabric of our moral universe.
If left unchecked, our kids may grow up unperverse.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Jerry Falwell is our hero,
He's the one to lead the fight.
He has seen the truth and spoken out,
He'll lead us further right,
Where we will join the multitude
Who just ain't none too bright.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

In a quiet Southern village Jerry was born into a haze,
With an anger in his bosom that would last him all his days.
As he works to teach us hatred, let us go and bash some gays.
Moron Morality.

(final)CHORUS

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach & picks it up. Suddenly, a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile. "Hey Bitch...don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman. The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever." Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all he says, "Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screams, "Now leave me alone!" So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, & Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second one says: "Ha! You think that`s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet." The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye (work with me here). He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free French fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!"

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: What kind is it?
John: Twelve-thirty.

Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask. Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?" God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time." Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "what about female priests then, will we have that one day?" Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid." Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?" God answered quickly and with a firm voice, "Not in My life time."

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. "Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother.  The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.  He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" "Yes sir.  They're called bullets."