General AreaA truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish
to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to
protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is
kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that?s right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for
radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. "Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies."
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Two blondes were driving though Louisianna. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguung about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,.....very slowly?" The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrr-gerrrrrrrr-Kiiiiiiiiing."
A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!" They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. "Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!" One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks "George, why are you mooing. Your a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'" His friend replys gladly: " I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"
The Pharoah was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . . young men." The chips flew, but then suddently ceased flying, and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"
CHINESE EBONICS
* Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
* Approach me. (Kum Hia)
* Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)
* Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)
* Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting)
* Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
* I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni)
* Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)
* You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)
* Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
* Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?)
* Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy)
* You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
* Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding)
* Tow-away zone (No Pah King)
* Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing DumSong?)
* You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)
* I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
* I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?)
* You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)
* Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)
* Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
* Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?)
* Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go)
* They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum)
A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's
dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold
for $1,000 and the tin ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his
last night's dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The
really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for
$10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
Rules that guys wished girls knew about
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
> if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss topics such as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period!
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
26. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quit
together.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
how pretty you are?
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done - not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like
you do.
37. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly
not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
38. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two weeks were going out.
39. Anyone can buy condoms.
A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class. The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?" She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?" He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team." "Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your
problem?!" Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first
grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had
had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's
office and explained Johnnie's request. While Johnnie waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the
principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would
give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the
special questions he was to go back to the first grade and
behave. The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room.
The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The
principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think
Johnnie can go on to the third grade." The teacher, knowing
Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the
principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make
that decision?" The principal and Johnnie both agreed,
Johnnie with a sly look on his face. The teacher began by asking,
"What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets." The principal
breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we
should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two
questions myself!"
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards." Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start." The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke." The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..." The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?" "I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower . . ."
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. (So, how is this different than any other time a man is driving?) Anyway, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
This mans car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. Your trouble is probably in the carburetor, said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story. Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye asked the farmer. Yes! Oh, I wouldnt listen to Bessie, said the Farmer. She doesnt know anything about cars.
There was this hooker named Judi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?" Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President."
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall."
There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date. Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!"
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex." The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband, I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, Halt, who goes there? The chauffeur, a corporal, says, General Wheeler. Im sorry, I cant let you through. Youve got to have a sticker on the windshield. The general said, Drive on! The sentry said, Hold it! You really cant come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker. The general repeated, Im telling you, son, drive on! The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, General, Im new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver
Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. Whats more, he only speaks a few words of English. The Judge looks at the defendant and says, How much English can you speak The defendant looks up and says, "Give me your wallet!"
...Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
...PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
...Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding
wedding rings in their pockets.
...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch"
simply because he is breathing.
...Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight
standard would increase by 40 pounds.
...Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
..."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue
featuring scantily clad male models.
...Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two
hours of bedtime.
...Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as
hard for none of the credit.
...Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven
Hunks"
...Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
...Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
operas.
...Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there
would be no pictures.
...Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I
love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you
don't look fat in that outfit."
...Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments.
...Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their
car.
...All toilet seats would be nailed down.
...Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their
careers.
...TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1
minute.
...All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
...During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women
would date 19 year olds.
...Overweight men would have their weight brought to their
attention constantly.
...After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity
leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "you hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "O, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,and the fare back to town is $25."
The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.
I'm sitting here watching CNN doing a report on a Republican convention. Dick Armey quoted what his wife would say if he acted like Clinton: "Listen, Buster: if that was you, you'd be in a pool of blood and hearing me say, 'how do you reload this thing?'"
Comments from Monica Lewinsky's Last Performance Eval:
* Uses too much teeth.
* Excellent oral dictation skills. Never missed a period.
* Frequently complains of jaw pain.
* This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.
What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common? They're both upset Clinton finished first.
They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.
How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century? Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate lab.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What is she doing?", the pal asks. "Waiting for me to get home."
A beautiful young lady having just returned from a magnificent week long vacation in a South American republic, walked into the local bank & asked about exchanging currency. The teller said he would try to help her. The lass plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter & the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18. The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills ?" "I'm afraid so Miss." replied the teller, "That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section. "God Damn." she hissed, "And I gave that cheap S.O.B breakfast too."
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Thought for the day
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different
limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling
faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
The following "memo" -- apparently by some staff
prankster -- was
faxed to the Medical Records Department of a State hospital.
MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide
security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver
and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be
stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties,
Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds.
A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park
areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU
will now tak over the security surveillance duties. The unit
secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security
monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed
will need to let their families know to bring something, or may
make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms
for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish
to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will
be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients
may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for
special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be
provided.
As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration
is assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be
reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk
outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker,
etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to
the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books.
These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox
will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be
receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month.
We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a
non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as
you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time
required by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for
the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip
coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's
will also honor competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in
the emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons,
please clip them and send them to the ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric
company has been asked to install individual meters in each
patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption
can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available
for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on
each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees
are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting
moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial
production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be
available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs'
formulary.
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David."
Something to think about.
Did you know that Bill Gates' real name is William Henry Gates
III?
Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where III means the
order of third. So what's so eerie about this name? Well, if you
take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it into
ASCII code (American Standard Code for Info. Interchange) and
then add up all the numbers....you will get 666, which is the
number of the beast.
B = 66
I = 73
L = 76
L = 76
G = 71
A = 65
T = 84
E = 69
S = 83
I = 1
I = 1
I = 1
Add these numbers and they equal 666. Coincidence? Perhaps....
Maybe, but take Windows 95 and do the same procedure and you will
get 666 also. And even MS-DOS 6.31 adds up to 666. Still think it
is coincidence? Stay with me....it gets better.
For those of you who still have the old excel 95 (not office 97)
try this out: (this really works)
1 - Open a new file
2 - Scroll down to row 95
3 - Click on the row 95 button to highlight the entire row
4 - Press tab to move to the second column
5 - Now, move your mouse and click on help at the top
6 - Then click on "about Microsoft excel"
7 - Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button at
the same time. A window will appear with the title: THE HALL OF
TORTURED SOULS. This is really eerie, okay! It has a doom style
format and you can walk all around the hall using the arrow keys.
On the sides of the walls are the names of the tortured
souls....now walk up the stairs and then come back down, facing
the blank wall. Now type in EXCELKFA; this will open the blank
wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage
and do not fall off. This is difficult to do. When you get to the
end you will see something really, really eerie. As of this point
in time, countless witnesses all over the world have verified
that it is a real eye opener. It could be a joke by MS
programmers. Or is it? Would it be too surprising if Bill Gates
was the antichrist? After all, the bible foretold that someone
powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction. And
Bill Gates definitely has this kind of power in his hands. More
than 80% of computers in the world today run on windows and DOS
(including those at the Pentagon). If all of his products have
some kind of small program embedded, like this "hall of
tortured souls", that can give him control to set off
nuclear arsenals, create havoc in security all over the world,
etc. All from his headquarters. This isn't too far from reality.
Just by using the Internet Explorer may just allow him to map out
what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on.
Perhaps the end of time is near and this is just the tip of the
iceberg? Quote from the Bible: "He also forced everyone,
small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark
on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or
sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or
the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has
insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is
man's number. His number is 666." Revelation 13:16-18 This
is something you should think about. If the Bible, in the book of
Revelations, says that without the sign of the beast, one would
not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc., then my
question to you now is this....Is the Internet a necessity today
for doing business? The Internet also bears the sign. Note that
the Internet is often referred to as the World Wide Web, or www.
Another way to write W is V/ or VI..... W W W ......VI VI VI
................6 6 6
Here is something to ponder. Isn't everything going towards the
Internet? (i.e., buying, selling, business transactions) Isn't
Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly when it comes to
software technology? And now the Internet? Revelations also says
that the mark of the beast will be carved on one's hand and on
one's forehead. If the Internet would indeed be the beast, aren't
we all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads? The
screen the forehead and the hand uses the mouse. Are things
finally starting to fall into place or are we just letting our
imagination run???? Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal and
to destroy. So, be vigilant about Bill Gates and Microsoft!
Coincidence? Perhaps....I THINK..............
NOT....
A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows - it'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in." When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that." "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she says. "Consider it done." "And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you." So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours. Afterward, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35. Why?" "And he still believes in genies?"
