General Area

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello.  The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home.  See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault.  Honest!  I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theatre. Please don't be mad, okay?"  Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had mis-dialed.  "I'm sorry dear, "I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number.  I don't have a daughter named Susan." A pause. "Gosh, Mom, "came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad.

Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-looking woman passes by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!" The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!" Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods. She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting." Indian says, "Already know 'how'.  Just want 'chance'."

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.  "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.  "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. 

Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded.  They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken down shack.  Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick.  The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."  So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.  After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion.  Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained  that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.  The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men.  In fact, she was excited about it. She said, "how many men do you have?  Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox." The madam said.  "You gotta be shitting me."

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?" "A rose?" "Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend replies "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't`t a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

First I was a good boy
Then I was a big kid
Then I was a nice Guy
Then I was a dirty old man
Now I'm just an old Fart.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."   St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year- old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor about presidential politics.  Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican. I told him that my Father and Grandfather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition. "That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor.  "What if your Father and Grandfather had been horse thieves ?" "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."

Judi and Amanpreet have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Amanpreet came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday. Judi is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all.  Amanpreet explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date.  Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get. Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?"  She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible." "Now, now, what's the matter?" "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..." "So, you use FOUR eggs.  Don't you have them? "Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour." "Well," Amanpreet (aka Lizard Pecker)  says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?" "It isn't the ingredients," Judi cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

TAX RETURN SUGGESTION (IF YOU HAVEN'T FILED YET)

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. A couple of months ago he 'outed' the apparently homosexual Tinky Winky, a character from the "Teletubbies" show, because:
1) He's purple, the gay color;
2) He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and
3) He carries a purse, something all gay people do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence below:
FRED FLINTSONE
-- His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-toes Flintstone."
-- The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
-- He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it.
-- He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
BUGS BUNNY
-- Often stands with hand on hip.
-- Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
-- Frequently dresses in drag.
-- Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his "buddy" Daffy-who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.
POPEYE
-- Eats lots of salad.
-- Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years.
-- Does little sailor-dances.
-- Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl.
-- Best friend named Wimpy.
BATMAN & ROBIN
-- Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder.
-- Batman's real name: Bruce.
-- Both wear tights and hang out in a dark cave with an "older man."
-- They're in great shape.
-- They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts)
-- Has a deep, gravelly voice.
-- Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals.
-- Plays a mean game of football.
-- Likes to taunt Charlie Brown.
-- Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie.
-- Wears comfortable shoes.
-- Nickname: Sir.
THE PINK PANTHER
-- 'Nuff said.

A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.  "It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!". "Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic. "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!".

One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?"  to whom his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.  The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him, greet him with a smile and be glad to see him. Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax. Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying. The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?" The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant." The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?" The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups."

A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!" So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"

There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion.  She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant. "Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews.  Please, no Jews." The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness." Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang.  She was surprised to see four of the darkest skinned men boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South. "But...  But...  There must be some mistake,"  she stammered. One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice, Johnny's,  at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher . . . she's dead."

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.  "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.  "You were perfectly right.  "You want to speak with her? All right."  He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:  "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store. Well, lo and behold there were two older Indian women sitting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which lead to the one older Indian woman said "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an
Arapaho." One of the hookers said "No Shit? Well I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho."

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a non- optimist) sees only the worst.  An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.  Let me illustrate what I mean . . .  An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.  He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.  As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.  The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.  On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"  "I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim." 

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six." An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?" Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds "It is really very easy.  The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

I have a "true" blond story for you.  This really did happen... I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim,  and his new girlfriend, Dorthory.  While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations.  "Bimbette" (I really called her this for the rest of the time they were together and right to her face).  Anyway, Bimbette said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.  I tried to explain to her that it was not a real place.  She laughed and said "it is too, it's where Batman lives".  I then laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious.  I then tried to explain that, "he does not exist,  why do you think there have been three of them:  Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"  She looked me straight in the eye and said "that is because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."