Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw
the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks,
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the
channel are about to be guillotined..
"Do you wan't to be
beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith.
"On my back," said Smith.
"I'm not afraid of death."
Smith was laid on his back under the blade.
The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed.
reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice.
was next. He too chose to face the knife.
Again the blade jammed
and Hoskins was reprieved.
Murphy was third.
"Back or front?"
"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for
me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.
"Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed.
As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Kathleen, " he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said.
"Go back to sleep.
Shhh, don't talk."
But he was insistent.
he said in his tired voice.
"I have to talk.
I have something I must confess to you.
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen.
"It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now.
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.
Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand.
Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself.
I know all about it," she said.
"Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Timmy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.
"We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said Timmy, paid for
them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a
jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and
He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by
came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but
that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and Paddy Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building.'
Paddy Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
Paddy Scotsman opened his lunch and said, 'Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I'm jumping too.'
Next day Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
Paddy Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.
Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral Paddy Englishmanís wife is weeping. She says, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!
Paddy Scotsmanís wife also weeps and says, 'I could have given him cheese! I didn't realise he hated haggis so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at Paddy Irishmanís wife. 'Hey, don't look at me' she said. 'He makes his own lunch'
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. 'Paddy,' says Murphy, 'I've got a problem'
'What's the matter?' replies Paddy
'Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges.'
'What's the picture of?' asks Paddy
'It's of a big cockerel,' Murphy replies.
Paddy says, 'Alright, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look.'
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.
'Oh thanks for coming Paddy'
He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, 'For goodness sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet.
There was a Kerryman on RTE's "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE".
He was at the £1 million question and he had all three lifelines intact.
The question was: Which of these birds doesn't build its own nest?
Is it A: a crow. B: a robin. C: a cuckoo or D: a sparrow.
The Kerryman hadn't a clue so he decided to do a 50/50. Crow and cuckoo were
left. He still didn't know so he decided to ask the audience. 50% voted for crow and the other 50% voted for cuckoo.
The Kerryman decided that he'd take his last chance for the million pounds and phone his friend Mick.
He asked Mick the question and before he could give him the two choices Mick told him that he was 100% certain that the answer was cuckoo.
The Kerryman went with cuckoo and won the million pounds.
When the Kerryman next saw Mick back home he thanked him for helping him win the million pound prize.
"How were you so sure of the answer?" he asked.
Mick replied" twas easy. Every eejit knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!!!!"
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scottishman and Paddy Irishman".
were on a plane that was about to crash and the pilot said to do something religious before they die.
Paddy Scottishman said the Lord's Prayer.
Paddy Englishman sang Amazing Grace.
Paddy Irishman took his cap off and went round and took the collection.
Paddy worked on a building site".
one day a Slate came down from the roof and cut his ear off.
Paddy and his workmates tried to locate his ear in the muck and dirt etc.
An ear was found and Paddy was asked Is This Your Ear?
Paddy says No, Mine had a PENCIL on it!!!!!!!!!
At the end of his sermon Father O'Brien turned to his listeners and
"Now, let me ask you.
Which of you thinks truly he is bound for
Paradise? Would you please stand?"
He was pleased to note that nearly all of his parishioners stood up.
"That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks
he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?"
After a few seconds, Jack Burke slowly got to his feet, and remained
standing as the priest eyed him with sadness.
Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Father O'Brien pulled
Jack aside and asked him, "Now, Jack, what is it that makes you fear you're
bound for Hell?"
To which he responded, "O, Father, I have no fear for my
own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, whatís the problem?"
The mother says, "Itís my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,
sheís putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I donít know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant -
about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She canít be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! Iíve never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, itís just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came
over the hill. Iíll be darned if Iím going to miss it this time!"
An English professor wrote the words :
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful
A woman's husband dies.
He had Ä20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closet friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had Ä20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me Ä6,000. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was Ä400 and I spent another Ä400 for food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "Ä13,200 for the memorial stone? Good Lord, how big is it?" ---- The widow says, "Three carats."
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