| "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." |
| --Jackie Mason |
| "Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have. |
| --Ernest Haskins |
| "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." |
| --Will Rogers |
| "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." |
| --Charles De Gaulle |
| "You know nothing for sure... except the fact that you know nothing for sure." |
| --John F. Kennedy |
| "It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." |
| --Richard Nixon |
| "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." |
| --Calvin Coolidge |
| "The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge." |
| --Daniel J Boorstin |
| "Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact." |
| --George Eliot |
| "The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does." |
| "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." |
| --A Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars. |
| "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." |
| --Douglas Adams |
| "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen." |
| --Douglas Adams |
| It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. |
| --Rod Serling |
| "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." |
| --Steven Wright |
| "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." |
| --Steven Wright |
| "If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandonded this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working." |
| -Douglas Adams in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" |
| "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting." |
| --Ronald Reagan |
| "Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." |
| --H.D. Thoreau |
| "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." |
| --Mark Twain |
| "Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever." |
| --Anonymous |
| "Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them." |
| --Joseph Heller |
| "It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office." |
| --Shirley MacLaine |
| "Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness." |
| --Henry Gibson |
| "I've put in so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep the professors busy for centuries arguing over what I meant, and that's the only way of insuring one's mortality." |
| --James Joyce |
| "Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels." |
| --Faith Whittlesey |
| "There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull: How do you hang on to someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?" |
| --Danny DeVito, The War of the Roses |
| "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." |
| --Cindy Crawford |
| "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." |
| --Groucho Marx |
| "It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to." |
| --Franklin P. Jones |
| "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." |
| --H. L. Mencken |
| "Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." |
| --Albert Einstein |
| "If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?" |
| --Richard M. Nixon |
| "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." |
| --Ken Olson, World Future Society Convention, 1977 |
| "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due." |
| --William Inge |
| "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." |
| --Groucho Marx |
| "Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything." |
| --Charles Kuralt |
| "USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population." |
| --David Letterman |
| "I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." |
| --George Bush |
| "The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything." |
| --Oscar Wilde |
| "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." |
| --Louis Nel, Deputy Minister of Information, South Africa |
| A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me,
and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! |
| "I'm always fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact." |
| --Diane Sawyer |
| "The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." |
| --Franklin P. Jones |
| Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. |
| --David Letterman |
| "We trained hard-but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization." |
| --Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C. |
| "I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy." |
| --J. Curtis McKay, Wisconsin State Elections Board |
| "A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." |
| --Burt Bacharach |
| "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." |
| --Phyllis Diller |
| "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." |
| --Jay Leno |
| "It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings..." |
| --Playboy, 1983 |
| "American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors." |
| --Dave Barry |
| "A billion here and a billion there, and soon you're talking about real money." |
| --Sen. Everett McKinley Dirken |
| "If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing." |
| --Kingsley Amis |
