(sung to the tune of Be Our Guest)
You want service? Oh you jest!
Put that napkin to your mouth, cherie
Spit out that aweful mess.
Soup is poor, meat is green
Why, we only use Grade "D".
Try the grey stuff, it's delicious.
Don't believe us? Damn, it's vicious!
We can sing, we can dance
In our polyester pants
And a dinner here is always second best.
Go on, give it a whirl.
Leave the commons, then hurl.
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
Mystery meat, corn souffle, armadillo a flambe
We'll prepare and serve with hair a culinary tragede'.
You're not alone, we're all scared
'cause the meal's ill-prepared.
You're all gloomy and complaining,
Go to hell 'cause you're prepaying.
We're a joke! We play tricks -
There's no meat in those Quick Chicks.
We smear them with a paste you can't digest!
Come on and move your ass!
You're soon to pass some gas so
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
The meal is so unnerving
When you see just who is serving.
Here's a bowl with a sole to chew upon.
Ahhhhh...those good old days when we were nasty.
Suddenly those good old days are gone.
Seven months we've been cheery,
Did you note the food's still dreary?
Needing training - we've got no cooking skills.
Most days we grab what lies around the kitchen
Cover it with gravy
Here's the parents - oopsidazy!
It's a guest! It's a guest!
Now we've got to be our best!
They pay board and thank the Lord
That it's they who sign the checks.
Eat dessert, then just leave.
Just get out before you heave.
While our concoctions are still brewin'
You'll be gagging, you'll be spewin'
We've goot beef, maybe not
Heavens sake, was that Spot?
Grind him up,
We don't care if you're impressed!
It's a surprise for you,
You'll never have a clue!
When you're our guest,
Be our guest, be our guest!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Those aren't jimmies, they're insects.
It's ten years since we've had fumigators here,
So we've got pests!
Try the veal, try Chinese
They'll both bring you to your knees!
Overnight the mold's still growing
Add some sauce so it's not showing.
Down they go, One by one
They all shout, "I've got the runs!"
Tomorrow comes real soon
Aren't you depressed?
Next year avoid the food trap,
But for now it's our crap
Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!
PLEASE! BE OUR GUEST!