A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies.
He decides to give them a few basics before starting:"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.
The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear". At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead
man's anus & then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpes in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation.
I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index".

A doctor is doing an examination of females at a university. When his first patient walks in, he asks if she would take off her top and bra. She does this and the doctor notices a large C which has formed around her left breast. When he enquires what it is, the girl replies, "I have a boyfriend who goes to Cambridge and whenever we have sex he likes to wear his campus jumper, and I guess it's just rubbed off." The doctor nods in understanding and asks her to send the next girl in. He asks the second girl to do the same as the first but this time notices a large O around her breast, when he enquires to how she got it , she replies, "I have a boyfriend who goes to Oxford and whenever we have sex he always wears his campus jumper." When the third girl has entered the room and taken off her top, the doctor notices a large M on her belly. Sensing a pattern, he points to the M and says, "Ah, you have a boyfriend who goes to Manchester?" "No," she replies, "a girlfriend who goes to Warwick."

Expecteria Trouserius

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom -shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying in colour from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet). size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood &sub-species.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been know to appear in most unusual places.

PREY: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
BEWARE: It has been know to attack men in the rear lower abdomen.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective, as the bleeding will stop after a few days anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

 

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don’t worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously. "Oh, don’t worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. " Well, if its all the same to you .....I think I’ll go downstairs," says the lady.
"But you shouldn’t go to hell...," says the saint, "you’ll be raped and sodomized!"
"That’s OK," says the lady, "I’ve already got the holes for that."

Louise & Al
So there's this young couple, Louise & Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting enough (any) sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant and the days go on, but each night she is disappointed. Al comes home every night completely spannered and unfit for any sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocativey on the sofa, wearing the most skimpy dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers & bra. As is always the case, Al runs upstairs, gets ready and goes down the pub. Once again, Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 10:15 (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Lou re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa, and to her surprise, Als first words are "right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom". "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This *IS* the night, I'm gonna get my oats!" When Lou reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace undies - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says "right, now get your kit off!". Lousie doesn't need telling twice, it's off in a trice. "Now get over in front of the mirror..", 'kinky' she thinks 'great!', "..and do a handstand..", 'oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages' thinks Lou.. Al walks over to Lou, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch..."Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't suit me..!"

        

This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guys' car and asks, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "Whats a rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Well, I start with a finger up an asshole, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge."

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."

An Englishman was on safari in Africa.  While passing through a village, he overheard two tribal chiefs having a conversation.  "Its whoom" says the first chief, "W.H.O.O.M, whoom".
"No" says the second chief, "I'm telling you its wum, W.U.M, wum"
After listening for a while, the Englishman decides to settle the row.  He goes over to the chiefs and explains that the word they are looking for is "womb, W.O.M.B, womb", and he walks away.
The two chiefs sit staring after him and the first one says "what the fuck would he know, bet he never even seen a hippo in the wild, let alone heard one fart under water".

Graffiti

Be nice to your children; they get to pick your nursing home.

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like grandfather. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

668, the neighbor of the beast

I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

Everyone writes on the walls but me.

Words mean shit.

I could be a bitch. If I was nicer.

Virginity is like a bubble in the mainstream of life: one prick and it's gone forever!

I think, therefore I'm single.

I own my own body, but I share.

Boldly going nowhere.

Life is just one large conspiracy to drive me to chocolate.

Hollow chocolate has no calories.

I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

I am the mother of all things and all things should wear a sweater.

Sign on contraceptive dispenser in men's room: "this chewing gum tastes like rubber".

Found on the restroom of a music conservatory: Ladies, please refrain from clapping between movements, and do remain seated throughout the entire performance. Thank you.

As most people that have ever had the unpleasant experience of using a porta john, it was made at least a little funnier by the pen of a fool: as you looked straight ahead you see look up, as you look up you see look right, looking right you see look left, looking left it says look down you're probably going to need a change of pants after all this looking around!

"A man who stands on the toilet is high on pot"
Confucious say "Man with hand in pants feel cocky all day"
You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't!

Sign high on wall over men's urinal: "What are you looking up here for? Ashamed of it?"

Maturity is Highly Overated!
Don't Drive Any Faster Than Your Angel Can Fly!

Working for a boss is like smoking dope...the harder you suck, the higher you get !!

Dip me in honey and feed me to the Lesbians!

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Each day I make my own little revolution; I speak my mind.

I hated flies, then I opened one. 

Q: Why don't mathematicians get constipation?
A: Because they can work hard things out with a pencil.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

Beauty is only a light switch away.

I may have lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in!!

Confucius say: STOP QUOTING ME!

LIFE'S A BITCH and then u die
But in the end we all get high
So if at first u don't succeed
Then f**k the world and smoke some weed

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you
i saport publik edakashon

Live each day as if it was your last day..... and one day you will be right.

Mothers of boys work from son up to son down.

Love is the leap that can't be denied.
Yeah right, that's the main reason I get tripped so much.

Of course God created man before woman, but then again, you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.

Sign on a condom machine:
For refund, please deposit one baby.

Imagine if the whole world farted all at once.

Mother Mary we believe
that without sin you did conceive;
Mother Mary thus believing
may we sin without conceiving?

"I've been told most people smoke after sex... I LEAVE people smoking after sex."

Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery and Today is a gift:
That's why we call it The Present.

God gave man a dick and a brain, but only enough blood to use one at a time.

A HEART IS NOT A TOKEN
A HEART IS NOT A TOY
BUT IF YOU WANT IT BROKEN
JUST GIVE IT TO A BOY

HE'LL HOLD YOU IN HIS ARMS
HE'LL SAY HIS LOVE IS TRUE
BUT WHEN HE FINDS ANOTHER
HE'LL SAY TO HELL WITH YOU

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But whips and chains excite me

"Tis the lost kingdom of childhood that I am in constant search of..."

Send women out to war, they're used to the sight of blood.

ladies, if you love your man
show some class.
don't write your man's name
where you wipe your ass!!

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they  have requested an
 audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the
 Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"  Dopey asks,
"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in  Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?"  The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time, all of the other
dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf
nuns any where in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds,  "I'm sorry my
son,there're no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting......"
Dopey shagged a penguin!
Dopey shagged a penguin!"................

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