MacCool

All quiet on the Northern Front

IT ALL started much the same as usual. Séamus Mallon whinging about IRA weapons. An odd nationalist gets a pipe-bomb through the window. Silence.

David Trimble whinges about IRA weapons. An odd single parent gets a pipe-bomb through the window. Silence.

Meddlesome Mandelson gets the sack for "financial irregularities" . . . Silence. He gets replaced by a Scotsman.

Someone mentions the obligatory reminders about how "good" Mo Mowlam was in the job of "Secretary of State" (Gauleiter).

The Scotsman makes his first statement. (Only the Scots Gael’s understand what he is saying) but Martin McGuinness (Minister for Head-u-cation and future emigration) puts a brave face on it.

"We have won our battle in the British courts which have agreed that we can run the State for our British masters," he states triumphantly. Barbie Brown looks a little down as she stands beside him. A bomb in Buncrana, Co Donegal. Bomb scares all along the Tyrone Border. Pipe-bombs thrown . . . Silence.

Television con- centrates on important things like some concert U2 did when they were really famous . . . before Bono got paranoid and started to believe dogs were following him about waiting to snap his head off, before The Edge got his fear of heights and refused to stand near the end of the stage and Elvis appeared on stage with them declaring "I’m back!" in an accent suspiciously like that of Peter Mandelson.

(That was just after John Hume and David Trimble did their impression of Blondie singing The Tide is Out – except they changed the words to The Time is Right . . .)

Memorable memories indeed and much more important than worrying about the fear undefended nationalists have of the "untouchable" marauding Brit terror squads stalking the streets nightly.

Stabbings on the increase. Drug-taking on the increase. ‘Joy-riding’ on the increase. Armed robberies on the increase. Punishment beatings on the increase. Silence.

A bomb at Claudy. A mortar bomb at Ebrington barracks. Irritated noises from the media but they hold their nerve and fail to take the bait . . . as far as they are concerned it’s . . .

All Quiet on the Northern Front.
- Mac Cool