MacCool

A Hard Day’s Night

UP in Crossmaglen the birds on the trees were singing it. In West Belfast a howling scream came from a certain office of a particular ‘nationalist’ party - and it wasn’t the SDLP was doin’ the screamin’. Off the coast, the Captain of an Irish trawler heard it on the news and headed for port in case he was accused of gun running.

Down in Derry a seismograph recorded an earth tremor measuring 7point 6 on the Richter scale -- seismologists insisted the epicentre was definitely in the old Cable Street area but later agreed with local experts that the centre was around Westland Street - this was later denied when it was discovered Martin McGuinness was in his car at the time and the epicentre had moved along with him

Up in Crossmaglen Paddy Short’s bar was full and pint followed pint, as the less cynical discussed the up-coming ‘offensive’ against the cruel British oppresors. The innocent and naive had heard it too and as was intended, had swallowed it hook line and sinker. Off the coast the Captain of the Irish trawler poured on more speed — like one of the fish he had hoped to catch he had swallowed it hook line and sinker too . . .

The singing had started in Paddy Short’s. ‘If wishes were fishes . . .’ a man with a Belfast accent sang — no one saw the irony.

Meanwhile a Keenan was heard over a certain mobile phone. ‘You’re a b*******’ a man with a Derry accent told him. ‘I was doing what I was told . . . ’ he replied. The man with the Derry accent said. ‘You were told to say things were far from over . . . but we were referring to the run up to the All Ireland Camogie finals . . .’

Parnell Square was silent like a wake was in progress. Down in Cork the Captain of an Irish trawler was in a pub in Blackpool drinking pints and telling everyone about the close escape he had just had while running guns into Ireland for the new ‘offensive’ No one believed him. Cork people aren’t stupid.

Up in Crossmaglen a few of the ‘old hands’ were wondering what to do. They had heard it all before. ‘We could go fishing?’ one of them suggested. So off they went fishing while the birds in the trees kept singing.

It’s been a hard day’s night
I’ve been lying like a dog . .
- Mac Cool