Short Drink Jokes

What do American beer and a rowing-boat have in common?
They're both close to water.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
I drink to make other people interesting.
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Long Drink jokes.

                 A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door.
                 Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well. ".
                        The little man said: "I just did that." and the biker hit him.
                   
A drunk staggered into a Catholic church and ended up in the confession booth.
After a few moments, the priest said: "What do you need my son?"
The drunk asked: "Is there any paper on your side?"

A man spent six hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk.
"Where have you been?" she demanded. "I've been to this amazing bar,"
he slurred, rocking on his feet. "It's called the Golden Saloon and
everything there is golden.
At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are golden
and even the urinals are golden." "What rubbish," snapped the wife.
"don't believe a word of it." "Here," said the husband, rummaging in
his pocket for a piece of paper, "Ring this number if you don't believe
me." So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked. "It is," replied the bartender.
"Tell me," said the wife, "do you have two huge golden doors at the front
of the building?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "And do you have golden
floors?" "Yup," "What about golden urinals?"
There was a long pause and then the wife heard the bartender
yell: "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that p****d in
your saxophone last night!".

A drunk rolled into a bar, but the bartender refused to serve him. "You've had too much
to drink," he said. "I'm not serving you." Five minutes later, the drunk came in again.
The bartender stood firm. "There's no way I'm serving you more alcohol. You've had
more than enough already." Five minutes later, the doors opened and the drunk lurched
in once more. "Look," said the bartender, "I'm not serving you. You're too drunk."
The drunk nodded. "I guess I must be, " he said. "The last two places said the same
thing."

A duck waddled into a bar and said to the barman "do you have any bread?. " No"
said the barman "this is a bar and we don't sell bread". The duck waddled out again.
Ten minutes later the same duck waddled in and again asked for bread. Again the
barman explained that he had no bread. The duck waddled out again. Ten minutes
later the same duck waddled in and again asked for bread. This time the barman
said " if you come in here again and ask for bread I will nail your bill to the bar counter.
The duck waddled out again. Ten minutes later the same duck waddled in and asked
the barman "do you have any nails or a hammer?". "No" replied the barman. Well in
that case said the duck can I have some bread?

A drunk was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped
and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
  "Please, God," he implored,

          "let it be blood!"