Humour Pages 9 Grangecon Community Website
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath She puts one foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, ! "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up
the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors. There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Athlete's brain power
Typical American university stuff where brawn is often more important than brain.
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To
win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of
three, then line up in a circle."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget
how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in
the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and
I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me
like you're spending too much
time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."