Dumb Men Jokes

  • Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
    So men can understand them.

  • What's a man idea of helping with the housework?
    Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

  • What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
    E.T. phoned home.

  • Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
    When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

  • Now do men define a "50-50" relationship?
    We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

  • What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes.

  • How do men exercise at the beach
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

  • What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six pack.

  • How are men like noodles?
    They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

  • Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
    When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for the directions.

  • Why do men like love at first sight?
    It saves them a tot of time.

  • A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
    Dating children.

  • How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
    In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

  • What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

  • Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

  • Why don't men have mid-life crises?
    They stay stuck in adolescence.

  • How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

  • How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
    All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

  • How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
    At the circus the clowns don't talk.

  • What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

  • What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
    Exchange him.

  • Why do bachelors like smart women?
    Opposites attract.

  • Why are husbands like Lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time .

  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

  • Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
    Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

  • Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

  • What is the thinnest book in the world?
    What Men Know About Women.

  • Now many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. Men will screw anything!

  • What's a man's idea of foreplay?
    A half hour. of begging.

  • How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
    He's breathing.

  • Now do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

  • What do men and beer bottles have in common?
    They're both empty from the neck up.

  • How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    We don't know -- it's never happened.

  • How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
    Both of them.

  • Why did the man cross the road?
    He heard the chicken was a slut.

  • Why don't women blink during foreplay?
    They don't have time.

  • Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
    They won't stop and ask for directions.

  • What's the difference between men and government bonds?
    The bonds eventually will mature.

  • Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
    They all have boyfriends already.

  • What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    A widow.

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    Copyright N. O'Byrne, 2002