Because you are seeing this you must already know something about getting around on the Internet. Perhaps you have a map or are hitching a lift!
Here you will find some advice to help you get to the freedom of the open-road.

Travelling the Internet

A Quick Guide to ‘Getting Around’ On The Internet

In the wake of continuing public awareness about the so called "Information Super Highway", or "Infobahn", here is a guide to the different protocols (rules of the road) and applications (vehicles) which you can use to cruise...

This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design process - almost everything has been thought of, down to the last detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 metres long, weighs 300 tons, and has no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going, but once it reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to stop it. A gentle hill will usually do the trick...

This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add-ons you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a deceptively simple, rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr of an obviously turbo-charged V8 engine underneath the clutter, but it's getting harder to find. It'll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but it has no brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in the axle and lock the wheels...

This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over the place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long you can think you're lost beyond hope of ever being found. However, if you know where you want to go, you're okay, since you can guarantee that there will be at least a dozen ways to get there. Unfortunately, they're all off that road underneath you. So you just have to work out how to get there

This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury model. It'll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there is a5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and walk (it's quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds of other buses full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and writing articles about the anarchic freedom of the highways, whilst sitting in a huge traffic jam waiting to get into Graceland.

This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a second and you can fill the boot with as much stuff as you want. However, there is no windscreen, 184 gears, and you have to type in a 12 digit number from memory to tell it where to go.

This is a reliable old family saloon car. It never breaks down, can fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and performs well no matter what the road conditions. However, it goes at the same speed on a 6 lane autobahn as on a dirt track, and it steers like a 12 ton truck.

X Windows.
This is a flashy red coupé, with electric windows, doors, sunroof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering wheel, the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound of the horn, and the colour of any of the fittings. It is the ultimate accessory for the power user, and gives you many happy years of pleasure. It is only when you get out of the car that you realise that you never left the drive.

Windows 98.
This car is in such great demand that that it has attracted the special attention of people who think dealers like Bill Gates has too much of your money. However, when you do get it, it looks great, a big improvement over the Windows 3 or 95 models, and it boasts a big "Highway Ready" sticker in the back window, which means you finally get to leave the car park. You get inside, and press the big red "Go Info Bahn" button on the dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing happens for 10 minutes, then the square wheels fall off.

12-Step Internet Recovery Program - essential advice here!

  1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

  2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

  3. I will get dressed before noon.

  4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

  5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

  6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

  7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.

  8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

  9. I will not be tempted during TV advertisements to check for email.

  10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

  11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my chequebook because I was too busy on the Internet.

  12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

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Copyright © December, 2006 N. O'Byrne