Shamrock

These Non-racist Irish Jokes, Stories, and Sayings have been Pinched, Plucked, Purloined, Plagiarised, Pilfered, Procured, Pillaged, Pirated, Plundered and Borrowed from numerous sites on the web; my thanks to those from whom I borrowed them. If any of them are copyright let me know. Remember if you must tell an Irish Joke tell a humorous one.

Any suitable jokes will be added to the list, although extreme bad language will be *#@** out.

1.  Precious Drink

O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

2.  Guinness tradition

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

3.  Irish Stew

I've got my own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the beer. Forget about the stew.

4.

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"
The agent said, Certainly ye have...Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale...its too good to part with.

5.  St. Patrick's Skull

Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.

"What are you doing?" asked the American.

"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman.

"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him 50.00 in cash.

Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune.

Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.

"God", said Bud, "What are you doing?"

"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.

"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.

"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman.

"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"

"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul."

"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"

"That's correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!" said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick."

"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!"

6.

Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by a bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see.
Sure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was shorter than that.

7.

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "well what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

8.

Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?
Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport.
The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?
No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?
Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.
"Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds. Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?
Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

9.

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

10.  SAINT PATRICK AND THE SERPENTS COPYRIGHT (c),
MARCH 1997, WILLIAM T. EDMONDS, Jr., ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Archeologist excavating in County Meath Ireland have recovered what they think is an original manuscript by St. Patrick dating back to 455 A.D. It was found near the famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill, the spot where St. Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of the great Celtic kings.

The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the oldest written Christian text ever recovered in Ireland. It is estimated to be the most valuable find in the 20-year research project since the discovery of the Tara Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it may be in St. Patrick's own hand.

Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are excited by information translated from the original Celt that purports to support what up to now has been considered a religious myth: St. Patrick's driving the serpents out of Ireland.

Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God revealed how to drive the serpents from the land in a vision. St. Patrick ends his narrative by quoting what God said to him in the vision.

"Pat! Trust me, it taste just like chicken."

When questioned, the Vatican had no comment.

11.   Irish toast

May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.

12.  The devil you say

As the Irishman said to William Wallace in "Braveheart" -- "The Lord told me he could get me out of this one but he said you're fucked!"

13.

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.

The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."

14.

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

 15.

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?"

God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over

here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance..

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"

16.  What a Priest!

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmt and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "

17.  Paddy Adair

It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red Haired Paddy's comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the OilRig Fire was Out. The four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!".

The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that fucking truck!!"

18.  Irish Airline Pilot

(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!

"OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"

"Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction."

Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"

19.  Irish Mastermind Champion

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Seamus resonds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",

Seamus Responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds.. "Pass"

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."

20.  Irish Logic

One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.

"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."

"Logic" replied Mick.

"What's Logic?" said Pat.

"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!"

Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.

An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?".

Pat: "Logic!"

Shamey: "And What's Logic?"

Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?"

Shamey: "I Do!"

Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"

21.

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

22.

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

23.

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.

"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......" "But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me

ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

24. 

Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.

"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"

This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."

25. 

Brendan Behan told the story of how he got a job in London with a street repair gang. The first job he went to they were down in a hole singing Happy Birthday around the foreman. "Is it the foreman's birthday?" asked Brendan.

"No, Brendan. It's the third anniversary of the hole."

26.

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

27. 

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

28.  GUINNESS, AND HERITAGE

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

 

29.   CONFESSION

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."   The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father."

"No."

"Was it Rosie Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"

"No."

"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find

forgiveness."

"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

30.

Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell
, so that he will look forward to making the trip

31. 

Q. What is Irish and stays out all night ?
A. Patty O'Furniture
(Michael O'Connell)

 32.

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

33.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

 34.

Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

 35.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 36.  Blackpool Paddy

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that".
The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".
The young mother says again "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"
Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"

37.

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out! (Patrick Murphy Jnr)

38.  DRIVING IN IRELAND

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he'sin need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this isjust an IRA front."

The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

39.

Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

40.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.

41.

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"

42.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

43.

Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

44.

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

45.

Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."

46.

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

47.

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

48.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

49.

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

50.

O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!" "For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women." Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"

51.

A Sergeant and a Private were patrolling the streets in a Irish town near the Northern Irish border. There was a 9.00PM curfew in place. Suddenly private Slattery shoots a man walking down a lane. The sergeant screams, Slattery its only 8.45, why did you shoot him, Slattery replys, well I know where he lives and he would never have made it by 9.00.

52.

These two lads were in the army. One was Irish and One was Jewish. They were doubling around the square, and when they were halted, the jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish Lad, "I hate doubling, paddy." The Irish lad said, "I'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either.".

 

53.

Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

 54.

O'Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his present trimmee about the price of barbers' services. "I tell you, O'Rourke, these goddamn New York barbers gotta stranglehold on the citizens. I was in London just last week, and you charge me half again what they chargethere."

"That may be true, Sir," said the Irishman, "but think of the airfare."

55.

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.

"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

56.

A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: 'The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.'

57.

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

58.

Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

59.

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine's Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.

60.

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.

The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."

"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."

61.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

62.

An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."

The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"

"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."

63.

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. 
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned." 
"You've Thinnned?" 
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." 
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." 
"Will that wash away me Thin?" 
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." 

64.

Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"

65.

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

66.

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

67.

She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

68.

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

69.

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

70.

Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?" The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

71.

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan. "That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written." To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."

72.

Paddy and murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that beutiful wood over there Murphy, I can't see, theirs trees in the way !

73.

An Irishman declares war!

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've eclared war on your country." Saddam Hussein smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So Saddam Hussein says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So Saddam Hussein says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." Saddam Hussein thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now Saddam Hussein replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?""Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

74.  An Irishman declares war!

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
  He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Mission Impossible but the Irish did it!

The following text is an excerpt from a letter written to the Sydney Morning Herald many years ago. The Author was Benedict Michael Joseph Aloysius Quinn, who at the time lived in Croyden N.S.W

Of course people laugh at us. They laugh at us because we do - what seems to them - strange things and have been known to make a mess of some of the jobs we have taken on. But just ponder for a moment on the impossible jobs we have taken on through the ages.

You see it all really started in the 5th century after the fall of the Roman Empire to the Barbarians, when it was left to civilised and Christian Ireland to get the show back on the road.

The first major task we took on in (450 AD) was an attempt by Columcille and Columbanus to civilise the Scots - or the Picts as they were known then. It took us about a hundred years to get them down from the trees. The result was an Irish joke. But we did eventually manage to teach them how to play the bagpipes, make whisky and run around carrying great trunks of trees over their shoulders. Not much I admit but has anyone improved on that in the following 1500 years?

Believe it or not after that we had an even greater task on our hands - getting the British up off all fours. Those poor inferior beings were so backward when we arrived to lead them out of the darkness they would grovel at the Irish scholars feet: much the same as they do now in the presence of their betters - such as the Queen, Roddy Llewellyn or Koo Starkers.

We did try with the Welsh. For over 400 years we tried. But we got absolutely nowhere. Well the thing is, if you get more than 3 Welsh together they form a choir, then there's a complete break down of consensus and the only thing to do is to stand about 10 miles upwind of them.

In 1578 we responded to a desperate need in France. Did you know that when the Irish built the first monastery in Paris the French were eating live frogs and snails - shells an all! Four hundred and five years later we've managed to get them to kill the frogs first and take the snails out of their shells. Now that's what I call progress.

Between 1578 and 1687 the Irish set up a chain of 30 monasteries from Lisbon to Prague. Everywhere we went we found darkness and despair. Was it our fault that they were unable to see the whole mosaic of Irish Enlightenment and started eating garlic and burning people at stakes instead?

Bernardo O'Higgins (1778-1842) freed Chile, became its first president and started a standard in government that soon spread throughout South America.

Early in the 18th century the Irish opened up the New World (not Coles) and they and their descendants rose to great prominence in North America.

Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, but who piloted him there and brought him safely back? None other than Mick Collins who I think you will agree can hardly trace his lineage back to Geronimo or Sitting Bull.

At the present time over 6000 Irish teachers are spread throughout 60 developing countries. They are producing a new type of dairy cattle in the Sudan, reclaiming eroded land in Lesotho, and Irish missionaries have reached tribes of Bushmen in the Kalahari Desert and the people of the Limpopo River - while the Mormons are still stuck in Greenwich Point.

Was it really Jonathan Swift's fault that Jo Bjelke- Petersen runs Queensland in the Lilliputian manner? Heard the one about the three Irishmen who were entered for the Nobel Prize for Literature? They won it - George Bernard Shaw, James Joyce and Samuel Beckett.

Remember one of the poems you learned at school. Maybe it was written by Yeats or Goldsmith. Would the movies be the same without a Flynn, a Power an O'Sullivan, an O'Hara an O'Toole or a Harris?

Need a sex change? It'll probably be Dr Murphy who'll go snip, snap and Bob's your aunt.

If you are Irish and someone tells you a stupid joke don't feel tempted to kick him in the three-piece suite. Just remember that dogs always bark at ships with embroidered sails.

Are the Irish stupid? Of course we are. If we had any sense at all we would have left the whole lot of you up in the trees.

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