Love, Lust & Marriage

LOVE -            When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST -             When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE -  When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE -             When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST -              When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE -   When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE -             When you share everything you own.
LUST -             When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE -  When the bank owns everything.

LOVE -             When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST -              When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE -   When . uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE -            When you write poems about your partner.
LUST -             When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE -  When all you write is cheques

LOVE -             When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST -              When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE -   When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE -             When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST -             When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE -  When you never see each other awake.

LOVE -             When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST -              When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE -  When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE -            When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST -             When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE -  When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE -            When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST -             When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE -            When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST-              When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE -  When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE -             You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST -             You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE -  You only leave the house when you're allowed.


Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing's in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

Marriage one-liners

  1. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

  2. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

  3. As comedian George Burns once said, "I was married by a judge. I should've asked for a jury."

  4. Getting married is a bit like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other lad has, you wish you'd ordered that.

  5. Why do women find it so difficult to find men who are caring, intelligent, fashionable, good-looking and fun to be around? Because all those blokes also have nice boyfriends.

  6. The little boy attending a wedding for the first time turns to his father and asks: "Why is the bride wearing white?" His Da replies: "So that the dishwasher matches the fridge and washing machine."

  7. Definition of when the honeymoon is over: when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it's in the microwave.

  8. A very very old one (but brilliant): "The other day I heard that an aerial and a satellite dish got married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was fantastic."

  9. Marriage is a very expensive way to get your washing done for free!

  10. 1Or as Billy Connolly once put it, "Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole chicken!

Toughest Questions

Here are the correct answers to the 5 hardest and most often incorrectly answered questions a female may ask you.

The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Television,
b - Football,
c - How fat you are,
d - How much prettier she is than you,
e - How he would spend the life insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know, " Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear, " said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, " said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright, " said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see, " said the wife indignantly.  "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really, " said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear, " said the husband. "She is left-handed."

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