Hereís my chance to pass on some wisdom to those men who have not yet had the opportunity to learn about life and how to live with the other half of the planet!

O'Byrne Files©  Top 50 rules for Men

  1.  Call.
  2.  Don't lie.
  3.  Never tape any of her body parts together.
  4.  If menís night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
  5.  If menís night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting, groping or mauling .
  6.  The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
  7.  Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
  8.  Theatre, cinema, dining out is good. Arm wrestling is bad.
  9.  Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
  10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
  11. "Dear", "Honey", "Darling" and "Sweetheart" are good. "Mot", "Nag" "Fatass", and "Bitch" are bad.
  12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a crime.
  13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
  14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
  15. Her cooking is excellent.
  16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
  17. Soap is your friend.
  18. Wipe does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
  19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
  20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
  21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
  22. Two words: clean socks.
  23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
  24. Burping is not sexy.
  25. You're wrong.
  26. You're sorry.
  27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your car than you think she is.
  28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
  29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit anything in a single bound.
  30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
  31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
  32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
  33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
  34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
  35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
  36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
  37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
  38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete moran until she does it for you.
  39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
  40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
  41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
  42. Think boxers.
  43. Think silk boxers.
  44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
  45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
  46. Any new clothes she buys are lovely and suit her perfectly.
  47. Her haircut is never bad.
  48. Don't let your friends pick on her.
  49. Call.
  50. Don't lie.

The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labour while you only have sit in the waiting room on your rear end smoking isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

and a word of caution,

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Recently, scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologise when wrong. 

No further testing is planned.


Quotes men should never make

"So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute."


Gentlemen's Quiz

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: 
a) Lovemaking 
b) Screwing 
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: 
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship 
b) Your blood-test results 
c) Five tequila slammers 

3. You time your orgasm so that: 
a) Your partner climaxes first 
b) You both climax simultaneously 
c) You don't miss Sports Center (Sky) 

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: 
a) Healthy, creative love-play 
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to 
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: 
a) The best part of the experience 
b) The second best part of the experience 
c) Ä100 extra 

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: 
a) Not a concern of yours 
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym 
c) A conservative estimate 

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: 
a) A myth 
b) An oxymoron 
c) A moron 

8. Foreplay is to sex as: 
a) Appetizer is to entree 
b) Priming is to painting 
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? 
a) "I hope we can still be friends." 
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...." 
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." 

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: 
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy 
b) Is uptight and a waste of time 
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place 

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. 
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. 
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.


How to be politically correct with WOMEN

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is RETAIL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE


You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

more to follow . . . 


Go back to the O'Byrne Files - My Humour page

Go to the Top of the Page

Copyright © 2001 N. O'Byrne