NEILís UNIVERSAL LAWS, and PUZZLES ON LIFE

NEILíS  GOLDEN RULE  No.  1
Who ever has the gold, makes the rules


NEILíS FIRST LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.

NEILíS SECOND LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilisation.

NEILíS THIRD LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit, thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.

NEILíS FOURTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
One is successful when they can lay a firm foundation with bricks thrown at them by others.

NEILíS FIFTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

NEILíS SIXTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
Any product cut to length will be cut too short

NEILíS SEVENTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

NEILíS EIGHTH LAW OF DEVELOPMENT
Rome didn't create a great empire by scheduling meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.


NEILíS FIRST LAW OF LANGUAGE
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

NEILíS SECOND LAW OF LANGUAGE
Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense.

NEILíS FIRST MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Anything based on greed and avarice is on a firm footing and will prevail.

NEILíS SECOND MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Don't worry if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want.

NEILíS THIRD MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

NEILíS FOURTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.

NEILíS FIFTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
By the time you get to the point where ends meet, someone moves the ends.

NEILíS SIXTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

NEILíS SEVENTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
Its easy to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

NEILíS EIGHTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
A budget is a way of going broke methodically.

NEILíS NINTH MONEYMAKING POSTULATE
I finally realized what I should have done with my life. I should have been a consultant, specializing in hindsight.


NEILíS FIRST PRINCIPLE OF SPORT
Never, never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

NEILíS SECOND PRINCIPLE OF SPORT
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

NEILíS SECOND PRINCIPLE OF SPORT
If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.


NEILíS FIRST EQUIPMENT LAW
It works better if you plug it in.

NEILíS SECOND EQUIPMENT LAW
When all else fails, read the instructions.

NEILíS THIRD EQUIPMENT LAW
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that cannot be solved by brute strength or ignorance.

NEILíS FOURTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

NEILíS FIFTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough

NEILíS SIXTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If nobody uses it, there's a reason

NEILíS SEVENTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If it jams, force it. If it breaks - it needed replacing anyway

NEILíS EIGHTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

NEILíS EIGHTH EQUIPMENT LAW
If at first you don't succeed, check in the bin for the instructions

NEILíS NINTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

NEILíS TENTH EQUIPMENT LAW
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

NEILíS ELEVENTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

NEILíS TWELFTH EQUIPMENT LAW
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

NEILíS FIRST PHOTOCOPIER LAW
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

NEILíS SECOND PHOTOCOPIER LAW
Anything confidential will be found on the photocopier


NEILíS FIRST LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Don't ask a barber if you need a haircut.

NEILíS SECOND LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
All conversations with a potato should be in private.

NEILíS THIRD LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

NEILíS FOURTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
A crisis is when you can't say "Let's just forget the whole thing."

NEILíS FIFTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

NEILíS SIXTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

NEILíS SEVENTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

NEILíS EIGHT LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

NEILíS NINTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"

NEILíS TENTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Laugh in the face of danger, then run and hide until it goes away

NEILíS ELEVENTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again

NEILíS TWELFTH LAW OF EXPERT ADVICE
If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before

NEILíS SOBRIETY TEST
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

NEILíS FIRST LAW OF HOLDING ON
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.


NEILíS FIRST OBSERVATION ON LAW
Litigation will expand to absorb the total amount of money available.

NEILíS SECOND OBSERVATION ON LAW
If written correctly, legalese is perfectly incomprehensible.

NEILíS THIRD OBSERVATION ON LAW
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.


NEIL'S LAW OF CIVIC DUTY
If in favour of losing your rights, do nothing.

NEILíS LAW OF NON-RECIPROCAL EXPECTATION
Negative expectation yields negative results. Positive expectation yields negative results.

NEIL'S FIRST LAW OF REALITY
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.

NEILíS LAW OF TRAVEL
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next junction..

NEILíS FIRST LAW OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
Never, ever, fly on the airline of the country from which you are departing.

NEILíS SECOND LAW OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
You cannot get off a non-stop flight!

NEILíS THIRD LAW OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip!


NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 1
How does the person who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 2
Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is not allowed there?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 3
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 4
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 5
Is it possible to imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 6
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 7
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 8
Why do you need sometimes to produce a driver's license to buy drink when you can't drink and drive?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 9
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 10
If you were open-minded would your brains fall out.

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 11
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 12
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 13
Why is the bloke who invests all your money called a broker?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 14
Where does your lap go when you stand up?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 15
If lawyers are "disbarred" and clergymen "defrocked", why aren't
electricians "delighted", musicians "denoted", cowboys "deranged", models "deposed", tree surgeons "debarked" and dry cleaners, er, "depressed"?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 16
How do I set a laser printer to stun?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 17
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 18
Isn't it amazing that when the media does it, it's called "news coverage", but when an individual does it, it's called "stalking"?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 19
Does "expect the unexpected" make the unexpected become, er, the expected?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 20
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why er, practice?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 21
Why do we push the remote-control buttons harder when the batteries are dead?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 22
If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 23
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 24
If we have Toothpicks for taking care of picking your teeth, why don't we have Nosepicks to take care of picking your nose?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 25
How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 26
If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption is crime, and crime doesn't pay... Does knowledge, in the end, leave you broke?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 27
When does a procrastinator get around to procrastination?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 28
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 29
How come "crisis management" works beautifully in theory (they say) until an ACTUAL crisis occurs?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 30
Why do people point at their wrist while asking for the time, and never point at their crotch when they ask where the loo is?

NEIL'S PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 31
Why do people who ask "Can I ask you a question?" never give me any choice in the matter?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 32
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 33
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 34
Why do sheep not shrink when it rains?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 35
How come your nose runs but your feet smell?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 36
Is a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." worse than a positive attitude such as : "I will fail. I will fail."

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 37
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 38
Why, when I put a euro into one of those change machines, nothing ever really changes?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 39
Did the Romans find algebra challenging, because X was always 10?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 40
How do you get off a non-stop flight?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 41
If all the world's a stage, where's the audience sitting?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 42
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 43
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 44
When your pet budgie sees you reading "The Irish Times", does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpet?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 45
What's another word for synonym?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 46
Over half the road accidents in Ireland occur at places such as roundabouts and junctions where traffic is forced to come together.

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 47
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 48
Its alright for the early bird, but what about the early worm - that gets eaten!

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 49
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 50
Why is there only one Competition Authority in Ireland?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 51
Are the things that come to those who wait the things left by those who got there first?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 52
Whose cruel idea was it to put the 's' in lisp??

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 53
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 54
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 55
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 56
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 57
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 58
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 59
Do pilots take crash-courses?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 60
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 61
How come that in the past 38 years (or however long it's been going), every single winner of the Miss Universe competition has been an Earth woman?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 62
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

NEIL'S  PUZZLES ON LIFE No. 63
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



What I've Learned As I've Matured


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Last updated: 13 December, 2006

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