Non Irish Joke collection

Let There Be Light - Lightbulb jokes

How many American's does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Two - one to change the lightbulb, and one to sue the original lightbulb manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the lightbulb, compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedence requiring lightbulb manufacturers to state clearly that lightbulbs may require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.


How many Liberated Women does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Five. One to turn the bulb and four to form a support group.
How Many Union Members does it take to change in a lightbulb ?
15! YOU GOTTA FUCKIN PROBLEM WITH THAT?
How many Economists does it take to change a light bulb?
  None, they're waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.

How many Managers does it take to change a light bulb?
  We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.


How many Computer Software Support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
  We have received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.


How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?


How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a toilet


How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
  Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets 2 dollars for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.


How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A1: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new standard
  A2: None, they would just redefine the standard as darkness.
  A3: "Introducing MSlight 3.0, the revolutionary new product that does not require changing lightbulbs. Innovating in lighting, MS's new product allows users to dispense with the cumbersome process of changing bulbs. With MSlight 3.0, when a bulb terminates unexpectedly, you simply purchase a whole new light fixture. MS professionals are standing by to help install a replacement fixture for very reasonable rates."
  A4: None. MS contracts require the VARs to change the bulbs.
  A5: Before we change the bulb, you'll need to buy more RAM, more disk, and more gullibility.
  A6: Doesn't matter. A hacker broke into the bulb server and changed all the lightbulbs into artichokes. Try again after MSLight service pack 4 is released.


How many Hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Eleven --- one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.


How many Prima Donnas does it take to change a lightbulb?
  One --- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him


How many M.I.T. students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  F
ive --- one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.


Q: How many internet newsgroup subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 1,331
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb


How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
  One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.


Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...


Q: How many Daleks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: 2.5 million ("Look, you can go around shouting EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE here and there as much as you like, and you can sound as loud and angry as a project manager who has missed a major deadline, but 2.5 million daleks is our final answer. That's because it'll take 2.5 million daleks to conquer a race that can climb ladders.")


Q: How many Delivery Department personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2 pm and pay an extra 20 euros we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the lightbulb box.


Q: How many Nuclear Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.


Q: How many Thought Police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. There never was any lightbulb.


Q: How many Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and the other to hear the confession.


Q: How many Male Chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. Let the bitch do it after she finishes washing the dishes.


How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
  10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.


How many Jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  100. 1 to change the bulb, and 99 to sit around and say "I could do that if I practised."


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  JUST ONE!!!!!


How many Testers does it take to change a light bulb?
  None.   We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the bulbs.


How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Just one - but the lightbulb has got to really want to change.


How many Mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  None. That's an engineer's job.


How many Belfast folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  Ten. One to screw it in, and the other nine to sing how good the old one was.


How many Cats does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
  You can throw away your light bulbs.   Just douse the cat with petrol,
light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.


How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.


How many Gorrilas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of lightbulbs


How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
  One.


How many County Councillors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Fifty. One to change the bulb and 49 to go on an important fact-finding mission abroad to see how it's done.


How many Arts Council grants does it take to change a lightbulb?
  One for the feasibility study, one for the training programme and one
for the Arts Administrator to oversee the first two.


How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under
her.


How many Divas does it take to change a lightbulb?
  One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.


How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Hey man, I just do sound."

"One, two, three, one, two, three..."

One. Upon finding no replacement, he rips the original lightbulb apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and some gaffer tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been.


How many Bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  One, but the guitar player has to show him first.


How many Consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. It depends - how much money is in your budget...?

2. None. A consultant would recommend replacing the light fixture.

3. None. Consultants don't know how to do anything; they can just tell you how you should do it.

4. That's difficult to say. First, we need to


How Many Consultants Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

How Many boring old Consultants Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

How many Astronomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: I thought astronomers used standard candles.
  A: Two: one to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light pollution.
  A: Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really good bulbs.
  A: Three, plus or minus seventy-five.
  A: Eight:

1 observational astronomer to measure luminosity and redshift of bulb
1 theoretical astronomer to calculate spherical coordinates of bulb
1 departmental head to write to SERCPPARC, for project funds
1 astronomical engineer to design and build the bulb replacing satellite
1 starling SIG programmer to write satellite control and data reduction software
1 NASA mission control expert to arrange satellite launch and say "t-2 go for main engine start...." etc
1 remote observer to manipulate the satellites arm once in elliptical orbit around light bulb
1 Grad student to act as scapegoat in event of mission failure
  A: Four:
A research student to sit around and not learn anything.
His/Her supervisor to explain how much harder it was to change light bulbs when he/she was a research student.
An amateur astronomer to make sure it's a low pressure sodium light bulb with proper shading to reduce light pollution (right kids!).
Some technical Johnny to actual change the light bulb and generally keep the place running while the astronomers contemplate their NGC's.
  A: 10^8, because astronomers love really big numbers !
  A: None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.
  A: What's a light bulb ?
  A: Four:
One to actually change the darn thing.
One to operate the CCD camera to measure the number of photons it emits whilst his friend operates the computer to do the task (bit techie)
And another to complain about how the CCD is out of focus and how the light bulb actually looks like a polo mint.

How many Women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.   But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!   IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask
me?

How many county councillors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Fifty. One to change the bulb and 49 to go on an important fact-finding mission abroad to see how it's done.

How many Arts Council grants does it take to change a lightbulb?
  One for the feasibility study, one for the training programme and one for the Arts Administrator to oversee the first two.

How many Fianna Fáil politicians does it take to get a radio licence?
  One. Ray Burke (oh, and don't forget the brown envelope with at least £35,000 in cash).

Q: How many intelligent TDs (Irish Politicians?) does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Both of them. But they'll both be on holiday for the next three months.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1
  Fifty-Four.
- 8 to argue,
- 1 to get adjournment,
- 1 to object,
- 1 to demur,
- 2 to research precedents,
- 1 to dictate a letter,
- 1 to stipulate,
- 5 to turn in their time cards,
- 1 to depose,
- 1 to write notes,
- 2 to settle,
- 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
- 28 to bill for professional services.

A2  How many can you afford?

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

How many Archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.

How many Architects does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.

How many Brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.

How many Carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sod you! That's the electrician's job."

How many Cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five euro note."

How many Civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.

How many Film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

How many Fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.

How many Librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."

How many Social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out

How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

How many Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

Q: How many Tabloid Journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it takes a right load of mucking around in Photoshop to make it look like they were actually in there.

How many Pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None - "What's the point? It will only blow again"!

How many University Post-Graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but it may take 7 years


Q: How many e-commerce PhD students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'm actually writing my thesis on that topic... I should have an answer for you in about four years.


Q: How many MBA graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the lightbulb by myself.   As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing lightbulbs in my previous placements on work experience. I'm also currently a part-time lecturer on Lightbulb Management at my local Institute of Technology.   My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing lightbulbs in my spare time.


Q:   How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Just Juan..


Q:   How many Accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:   What kind of answer did you have in mind?


Q:   How many DIT students (college in Dublin) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:   2, one to change the bulb and one to complain about how, if they were at a better college, the lightbulb wouldn't go out.


Q:   How many Postgraduate students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:   One, but it takes at least ten years.


Q:   How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:   8, one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Massachusetts using that nuked lightbulb, 2 to install it and 4 to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.


Q:   How many NCAD students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:   5, one to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect GAP outfit to wear for the occasion.


Q: How many Firefighters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to chop a big hole in the roof.


How does Bill Gates change a lightbulb?


Q: How Many Internet Mailing List Subscribers Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

A: 1,331

and here's the accounting to prove it:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light  bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness  to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,   alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light  bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this  technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. are relevant to this list -- which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then  add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb  controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion  was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.change.lite.bulb.


Q: How many Manchester United Fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven, one to change and fit it, five to groan and moan about it and Alex Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the lightbulb would have never gone out.


Q: How many Manchester United Fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who gives a f*ck? As long as the lightbulb is changed every three months, costs 130 euro and comes in a different colour.


Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to Manchester United??
A: It saves time.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female Manchester United Fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea.

Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a 50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Manchester United Fan?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.

Q: What is the difference between a Manchester United Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

 

More to follow sometime!


Those Telltale Signs That You're Turning Into A Consultant...


Some riddles:

RIDDLE ME THIS:

Q:      Every man has one. Some are longer than others. The Pope doesn't use his. A man gives his to his wife when 
          they get married. What is it? 
A:      A surname.

Q:     What is multicoloured, has feathers and lies in the bottom of its cage all day?
A:     A dead parrot (or my drunk uncle).

Q:     What is round, hairy, brown and goes up and down?
A:     A coconut in a lift.

Q:     What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A:     A carrot.   

Q:     What's pink and fluffy?
A:     Pink fluff.

Q:     What's blue and fluffy?
A:     Pink fluff holding its breath.

Q.     What have goalkeeper David James and pop legend Michael Jackson got in common?
A.     They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q.     What do a three-pronged plug and the England soccer team have in common?
A.     They're both useless in Europe.

Q:     What has antlers and flies in the Phoenix Park?
A:     A dead deer.

Q:     What's got 1,000 legs and no pubic hair?
A:     The front row of a Boyzone concert.

Q:     What's got two legs and bleeds?
A:     Half a dog.

Q:     How do you kill a circus?
A:     Go for the juggler...

Q:     Hear about the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube?
A:     He made a laughing stock of himself

(Note: no dogs or other animals were physically injured in the compilation of the above riddles.)


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