Sexy computer short stories

Dear Computer expert
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flowers, and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFooball 5.0 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!


Hi Fluffy
This is a very common problem but is mostly due to a misconception. Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package but Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed to run as few applications as possible.  Furthermore, you can't scrap Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 Also don't forget to read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this feature simply enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 8.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 4.1

Finally here's a techie tip: overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or, worse, BeerWithTheLads 6.0.  This is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. And a final word of caution: do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0, or re-install  Boyfriend 5.0 or the upgrade to Boyfriend 6.0.  These are not a supported applications, and will cause selective shut down or a complete crash of the operating system.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

The occasional adventures of TiM (TM), the Dim SysAdmin...

Episode #1: "TiM (TM) comes home to Girlfriend 3.1"

TiM (TM): " Good evening Girlfriend 3.1. Am now logged on."

Girlfriend 3.1: "Hi TiM! Have you brought the ring?"
TiM: "Bad command or file name."

Girlfriend: "But I told you this morn..."
TiM: "...erroneous syntax, abort?"

Girlfriend: "Didn't you get some cash out of the bank like I asked you?"
TiM: "File in use."

Girlfriend: "But what about my new dress?"
TiM: "Variable not found."

Girlfriend: "At least give me your credit card then, I need to do some shopping."
TiM: "Sharing violation, access denied."

Girlfriend: "Do you love me or are you only interested bloody computers or wha'?"
TiM: "Too many parameters."

Girlfriend: "It was a great mistake that I even agreed to getting engaged to a complete and utter eejit like you."
TiM: "Data type mismatch."

Girlfriend: "You are a useless, lazy, good fer nothing sod."
TiM: "It is by default. 404: File Not Found."

Girlfriend: " And who was it I saw you with in the car this morning?"
TiM: "System unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot..."

Mark my words - this'll all end in blue screens of death

More to follow sometime!

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Last updated March, 2004

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