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Woman: A chemical analysis

 
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo.
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 188lb but known to vary from 100 to 550lb.
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world.
 
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with painted film,
2. Boils at nothing, freezes with reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, platinum & Precious Stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no good reason.
4. Insoluable in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1.  Pure speciman turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2.  Turns green when placed beside a better speciman.

 HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

 
HANDLE AT YOUR OWN RISK
 

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