SEASON 2 : WHEN SHE WAS BAD

Snyder: "One day, the campus is completely bare, empty. The next, there are children everywhere...like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist."
Giles: "Well, I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, that school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?"

Xander: "Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna' be at the Bronze tonight?"
Willow: "Cibo Matto? They're playing?"
Xander: "No, Willow, they're gonna' be clog dancing."
Willow: "Cibo Matto can clog dance?! Oh, sarcasm, right."

Buffy: "You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that an offensive term? Should I say 'Undead American'?"

Cordelia: "What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?"
Ms. Calendar: "Hmm?"
Cordelia: "It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean 'til Judgment Day. You're living with those stains."
Ms. Calendar: "Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside-down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains."
Cordelia: "I hear ya'."

Buffy : "Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good."

~

SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

Buffy: "You also might wanna' avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous'. You know? Speak English, not whatever they speak in, uh..."
Giles: "England?"
Buffy: "Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing. You maybe have a thing. Maybe we could have a thing?'"
Giles: "Well thank you, Cyrano."
Buffy: "I'm not finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?'" Giles: "About Mexicans?"
Buffy: "Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay."

Xander: "So this chair woman, we are talking Ms. Calendar, right?"
Giles: "What makes you think that?"
Xander: "Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her."
Buffy: "And she's the only woman we've ever seen actually speak to you. Add it up and it all spells 'Duh!'"

Xander: "Now is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?"
Giles: "You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business."
Xander: "You know, 'cause that whole stork thing is a smoke screen!"

Willow: "It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game." Buffy: "You know what this means?"
Xander: "That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?"

Willow: "Nothing in here but back issues of Scientific American. Ooh! I haven't read this one."

Ms. Calendar: "It's just such a rugged contest."
Giles: "Rugged? American football? Heh heh."
Ms. Calendar: "And that's funny because...?"
Giles: "Well, I think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby."

Xander: "Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. The vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world's a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped, and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?"
Willow: "All the time."
Cordelia: "Xander, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do--"
Xander: "Do you mind? We're talking here. So, where were we?"
Willow: "Wondering why we never get dates."
Xander: "Yeah, so why do you think that is?"

~

INCA MUMMY GIRL

Xander: "Oh, it's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts."
Willow: "You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years."
Xander: "Yeah, I'm irrational that way."

Devon: "What does a girl have to do to impress you?"
Oz: "Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here."

Willow: "Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life."
Buffy: "Good for you."
Willow: "Well, I didn't choose yet."

Ampata: "Hello, Xander."
Xander: "Oh, ye--I, uh..."
Buffy: "I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful."
Xander: "Pyah su."
Buffy: "You're welcome."

Xander : "I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever."

~

REPTILE BOY

Cordelia: "You'll go to college some day, Xander. I just know your pizza delivery career will take you so many exciting places."

Cordelia: "Buffy! Did you lose weight? And your hair...alright, I respect you too much to be dishonest."

Willow: "Oh. Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have...Angel, how do you shave?"

Angel: "Buffy."
Buffy: "Angel."
Xander: "Xander."

~

HALLOWEEN

Buffy: "You know, there's this place you can go, right, and you sit in the dark, and there are these moving pictures, right, and the pictures tell a story."

Buffy: "I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you."

Principal Snyder: "No need to speak to them. The last thing they need is your influence. Just bring them back in one piece, and I won't expel you."

Xander: "Okay, on sleazing extra candy, tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double bagger. You can also try the old 'You missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? Okay, troops, let's move out."

Buffy: "What did Mrs. Davis give you?"
<kids hold out toothbrushes>
Buffy: "She must be stopped."

Oz: "Who is that girl?"

~

LIE TO ME

Willow: "I still didn't find anything incriminating."
Angel: "They leave no paper trail, no records. That's incriminating enough." Xander: "Yeah, I'm gonna' have to go with Dead Boy on this one."
Angel: "Would you not call me that?"

Buffy: "Willow, are you drinking coffee again, 'cause we've talked about this." Willow: "Hahaha, ha--it makes me jumpy. I...have to go...away."
Ford: "Nice girl."
Buffy: "There aren't two of those in the world."

Buffy: "It was terrible. I moped over you for months, sitting in my room, listening to that Divinyls song "I Touch Myself"...of course, I had no idea what it was about."

Drusilla: "What will your mommy sing when they find your body?"
Boy: "I'm not supposed to talk to people."
Drusilla: "Oh, well I'm not a person, see, so that's just..."

Cordelia: "I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed."
Xander: "I think you mean 'oppressed'."
Cordelia: "Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, 'Let's lose some heads!' Ugh, that's fair. And, eh, Marie Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna' let them have cake."

Willow: "I still didn't find anything incriminating."
Angel: "They leave no paper trail, no records. That's incriminating enough." Xander: "Yeah, I'm gonna' have to go with Dead Boy on this one."
Angel: "Would you not call me that?"

Willow: "Boy, we blend right in."
Xander: "In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs."
Angel: "Let's look around. You guys check out downstairs."
Xander: "Sure thing, Bossy the Cow."
Willow: "Okay, but do they really stick out?"
Xander: "What?"
Willow: "Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'?"
Xander: "You have too many thoughts."

Giles: "You mean life?"
Buffy: "Yeah. Does it get easy?"
Giles: "What do you want me to say?"
Buffy: "Lie to me."
Giles: "Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by the pointy horns or black hats. And, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."
Buffy: "Liar."

~

THE DARK AGES

Cordelia: "Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it? First, I'm sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday. Now I have to read some computer book. There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?"

Ethan: "This may sting a little, just at first, but don't worry, that'll go away once the searing pain kicks in."

~

WHAT's MY LINE #1

Xander: "'Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?' Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: "So, mark 'None of the above'."
Xander: "Well, there are no boxes for 'None of the above.' And that would introduce too many variables into their mushroom-headed, number-crunching, little world."
Willow: "I'm sensing bitterness."

~

WHAT's MY LINE #2

Buffy: "I wish we could be regular kids."
Angel: "I'll never be a kid."
Buffy: "Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbin', creature-of-the-night boyfriend."

Willow: "Goody! Research party!"
Xander: "Will, you need a life in the worst way."

Willy: "I have to ask. Has either of you girls considered modeling? I have a friend with a camera -- strictly high-class nude work. You know, art photographs, but naked. You don't have to answer right away."

Kendra: "I study because it is required. The Slayer Handbook insists on it." Willow: "There's a Slayer Handbook?"
Buffy: "Wait. Handbook? What handbook?"
Willow: "Is there a t-shirt? 'Cause...that would be cool."

Buffy: "Don't look. That guy over there is totally checking you out."
Willow: "Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity."

Xander: "Who sponsored Career Day today, the British Soccer Fan Association?"

Buffy: "When this is over, I'm thinking pineapple pizza and teen video movie fest. Possibly something from the Ringwald ouevre."

Willow: "How's your arm?"
Oz: "Suddenly painless."
Willow: "You know, I never really thanked you."
Oz: "Ooh, no, please don't. I don't do thanks. I get all red, have to bail. It's not pretty."
Willow: "Well then, forget...that thing...especially with...the part where...I kind of...owe you my life."

Kendra: "Did I not see you kissing a vampire?" Willow: "Buffy would never do that! Oh, except for, the sometimes you do that. But, only with Angel. Right?"

Buffy: "Just trust me on this one, okay? He's on the home team now."

~

TED

Buffy: "I was just..."
Willow: "Thinkin'?"
Buffy: "No. Not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts."

Buffy: "I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown." Willow: <giggles> "It's a clean clown! I have...my...own fun."

Willow: "Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?"
Ted: "You can! I get the demos for free. I don't see why I shouldn't give 'em to you for the same price, any friend of Buffy's."
Willow: "[sound]"
Ted: "What?"
Xander: "Oh, that's a sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy."

Xander: "Having issues much?"
Buffy: "I am not!"
Xander: "You're having parental issues. You're having parental issues."
Willow: "Xander."
Xander: "What? Freud would have said the exact same thing...except he might not have done that little dance."

Ms. Calendar: "Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me."
Giles: "You should have heard the ones I threw out."

Cordelia: "I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer, shouldn't she have..."
Xander: "What, a license to kill?"
Cordelia: "Well, not for fun, but she's like this Superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?"
Willow: "Sure, in a fascist society."
Cordelia: "Right! Why can't we have one of those?"

Xander: "Look, I'm not gonna' tell, they're not gonna' know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna' go to the utility closet and make out?"
Cordelia: "God, is that all you ever think about?" <pause> "Okay."

Xander: "Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever, I adore you! Well, that's the cookies talking, but you rock."

~

BAD EGGS

Joyce: "It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy."
Buffy: "But...I looked good in it."
Joyce: "You looked like a streetwalker."
Buffy: "But a thin streetwalker."
Joyce: "..."
Buffy: "That's probably not gonna' be the winning argument, is it?"

Joyce: "Let me guess. You were distracted by a boy."
Buffy: "Technically."

Joyce: "Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?"
Buffy: "Saving the world from vampires?"

Xander: "You know, this would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk." Cordelia: "Well, it would work a lot better for me with the lights off."

Mr. Whitmore: "Now how many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by, uh, unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?"
Xander: "Yes. Mm-hmm."
Mr. Whitmore: "Uh, that was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll."

Mr. Whitmore: "With all sorts of hormones surging through your bodies, compelling you to action, it's often difficult to remember that are negative consequences to having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?"
Cordelia: "Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car, because I have a friend -- not me -- that was in a Miata and parked at the top of a hill, and she kicked the gear shift, and..."

Giles: "I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression."
Xander: "I resent that!"
Giles: "..."
Xander: "Or possibly thank you."

Xander: "Can I just say, 'Gyughhh!!!'?"
Buffy: "I see your 'Gyughhh' and raise you a 'Nyaghhh!!!'"

Joyce: "Bristow's Demon Index? Hell's Offspring?"
Giles: "A...hobby of mine, uh, but, uh, having nothing to do with Buffy in any way."

Xander: "Last time Cordy dragged me in here, it was a lot nicer."
Buffy: "What?"
Xander: "Uh, uh...nothing. Uh, crazy talk. Head trauma."

~

SURPRISES

Angel : "Not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?"
Buffy : "I dreamt...I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas."
Angel : "See my point?"

Giles : "Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor."
Xander : "You could have just said 'Shh.' God, are all you Brits such drama queens?"

Giles: "If Drusilla is alive, then it would--it could be a fairly...cataclysmic state of affairs."
Xander: "Again, so many words! Couldn't you just say, 'We'd be in trouble'?" Giles: "Go to class,
Xander." Xander: "Gone! Notice the economy of phrasing. 'Gone': simple, direct."

Buffy : "Hey, speaking of *wow* potential, there's Oz over there. What are we thinking, any sparkage? "
Willow : "I...I like his hands."
Buffy : "Mmm. Fixation on insignificant detail is a definite crush sign."

Buffy : So what do you want?
Willow : Constant close proximity. And maybe touching of wrists....

Buffy: "You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please, my boyfriend had a bicentennial."
Willow: "That's true."

Willow: "Well, you could be m...my date."
Oz: "Alright, I'm in."
Willow: <walks away> "I said *date*."

Oz: "Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?"
Willow: "Oh, well, uh, sort of."
Xander: "Yup. Vampires are real. Lot of them live in Sunnydale. Willow will fill you in."
Willow: "I know it's hard to accept at first."
Oz: "Actually, it explains a lot."

Giles: "His touch can literally burn the humanity out of you. A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has."
Xander: "What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy, and we go for pizza."

Willow: "What, only Xander gets to make dumb jokes?"

Xander : But let's look at the upside for a moment. I mean, what kind of future would she have really had with him? She's got two jobs - Denny's waitress by day, Slayer by night, and Angel's always in front of the TV with a big blood belly and he's dreaming of the glory days, when Buffy still thought this whole creature of the night routine was a big turn on.
Willow : You've thought way too much about this.
Xander : No, no, that's just the beginning. Have I told you the part where I fly into town on my private jet, and take Buffy out for prime rib...
Willow : Xander...
Xander : ...and she cries?

~

INNOCENCE

Xander: "We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much."
Willow: "No. It just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate...than be with me."

Buffy: "Leave Willow alone and deal with me."
Angel: "But she's so cute and helpless. Really a turn-on."

Oz : Do you often steal weapons from the military base?"
Willow : "Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun"

~

PHASES

Willow : "Hi."
Oz : "Oh...thats what I was going to say."

Buffy : "What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?"
Willow : "At last count? All of them. Maybe more."
Buffy: "Well then, none of them know a thing. They all get an 'F' in Willow." Willow: "But I want Oz to get an 'A' and, oh, one of those gold stars."

Xander: "I thought I heard something."
Cordelia: "Is-is Willow sending out some sorta' distress signal that only you can hear?!"

Giles: "Several animal carcasses were found mutilated."
Willow: "You mean like bunnies and stuff? No, don't tell me."
Oz: "Oh, don't worry. I mean, they might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves."
Willow: "Yeah."

Giles: "And it, uh, acts on pure instinct. No conscience. Predatory and aggressive."
Buffy: "In other words, your typical male."
Xander: "On behalf of my gender, "Hey!"
Giles: "Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions."
Buffy: "I didn't jump! I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were."

Giles: "Anything yet?"
Buffy: "Yes, and you won't believe what I saw! Brittany Podell was making out with Owen Stadeel, but he goes with Barrett Williams. If she ever fou--no, um, no-no sign of the werewolf."

Cain: "First they tell me I can't hunt an elephant for its ivory. Now I've gotta' deal with People for the Ethical Treatment of Werewolves."

Willow: "It used to be so much easier to tell if a boy liked you. He'd punch you on the arm and then run back to his friends."
Buffy: "Those were the days."

Oz: "I'm going through some...changes."
Willow: "Well, welcome to the world! Things happen. Don't you think I'm going through a lot?"
Oz: "Not like me."
Willow: "Oh what, so now you're special? You're Special Boy, with...chains and stuff. Why do you have...chains and stuff?"

~

BEWITCHED, BOTHERED & BEWILDERED

Xander: "Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna' stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?"
Buffy: "I'm sorry...but never. I just think you could find somebody more...better."
Xander: "In a parallel universe, maybe."

Willow: "My boyfriend's in the band."
Amy: "Cool."
Buffy: "I think you've now told everybody."
Willow: "Only in this hemisphere."

Giles: "Might I have a word?"
Buffy: "Have a sentence, even."

Xander: "'Blackmail' is such an ugly word."
Amy: "I didn't say 'blackmail'."
Xander: "Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up."

Willow: "Sorry. I wanted to surprise you."
Xander: "Good job! High marks."
Willow: "Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before."
Xander: "Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas."

Willow: "I want you, Xander... to be my first."
Xander: "Baseman! Please tell me we're talking baseball."

Xander: "I don't want to use force."
Willow: "Force is okay."

Giles: "I cannot believe that you were fool enough to do something like this." Xander: "Oh no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this."

Oz: "That kinda' hurt."
Xander: "'Kinda''? What was that for?"
Oz: "I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to hit you."

Xander: "I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch-and-go there."

~

PASSIONS

Giles: "He's just trying to provoke you, to taunt you, to-to goad you into, uh, some mishap or some other sorts."
Xander: "The nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah approach to battle."
Giles: "Yes, Xander. Once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form."

Jenny : "I need about a day, and...an Orb of Thesulah, whatever that is."
Shopkeep : "A spirit vault for rituals of the undead. I've got one. I've been using it as a paperweight."

~

KILLED BY DEATH

Xander: "Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I gotta' get me a life!"

Cordelia: "But you do know that you saw death?"
Willow: "Did it have an hourglass?"
Xander: "Ooh, if he asks you to play chess, don't even do it. Guy's, like, a whiz."

Willow: "I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time."
Xander: "No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong."
Willow: "Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?"
Buffy: "I...never have."

Cordelia: "Eww, what does this do?"
Giles: "It extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells."
Cordelia: "Wow! What does this one do?"
Giles: "It elongates its mouth to engulf its victims head with its incisors." Cordelia: "Ouch! Wait, what does this one do?"
Giles: "It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done."
Cordelia: <oblivious to sarcasm> "Boy, there's a demon for everything!"

~
I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU

Ben: "We had Algebra II together last year."
Buffy: "Sorry. I pretty much repress anything math related."

Buffy: "I'm not seeing anybody...ever...again, actually."

Giles: "I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. In fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate. You should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong."

Angel: "Incoming! I love when she does this."

~

GO FISH

Xander: "What about that nutty 'all men are created equal' thing?"
Cordelia: "Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving."

Buffy: "And raises the possibility that someone brought forth the sea monster from whence it came to exact that revenge. 'From whence it came...'? (to Giles) I'm spending way too much time around you."

Cordelia: "It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon."
Xander: "Black Lagoon. The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields."

~

BECOMING #1

Cordelia: "Xander has a point." Xander: "You know, just for once I wish you would support me and I realize right now that you were and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna' get back to the point."

~

BECOMING #2

Principal Snyder: "Buffy Summers. If there's trouble, she's behind it."
Buffy: "You stupid little troll. You have no idea."
Principal Snyder: "Attitude problem. Serious."

Buffy: "What do you want?"
Spike: "I told you. I want to stop Angel. I want to save the world."
Buffy: "Okay, you do remember that you're a vampire, right?"
Spike: "We like to talk big... vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough-guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I _like_ this world. You've got...dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Good-bye, Picadilly. Farewell, Leicester-bloody-Square."

Spike: "What, your Mom doesn't know?"
Joyce: "Know what?"
Buffy: "That I'm, uh...in a band. A rock band...with Spike here."
Spike: "Right. She plays the-the triangle--"
Buffy: "--Drums."
Spike: "Drums, yeah. She's hell on the old skins, you know."

Joyce: "Have we met?"
Spike: "You hit me with an ax one time. Remember? Uh, 'Get the hell away from my daughter!'"
Joyce: "Oh. So, do you, uh, live here in town?"

Xander: "Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here."

~

UNKNOWN EPISODES

Willow : "Okay, I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah, 1-800-I'm -dating-a-skanky-ho"
Buffy : "Meow!"
Willow : "Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a meow before."
Buffy : "Well deserved."
Willow : "Darn tootin'"

Spike : "You were there? Please... if every vampire who said he was at the crucifixtion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a wierd gig. I fed off a flower person and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move."

#

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