SEASON THREE : ANNE

Xander: "First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?" Oz: "Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?"
Xander: "That's right, he was. Cheater!"

Larry: "It's all about egg whites. If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna' rule!"

Buffy: "I don't want any trouble. I just wanna' be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cosy. I don't even know what a tea cosy is, but I want one. Instead, I keep getting trouble, which I am more than willing to share."

Cordelia: "Why do I have to be bait? I'm always bait. Why can't Willow be bait?"

~

DEAD MAN'S PARTY

Principal Snyder : "I'm quite sure that a girl with the talents and abilities of Buffy will land on her feet. In fact, I noticed as I came in this morning that Hot Dog on a Stick is hiring. You will look so cute in that hat."

Oz : "It looks dead. It smells dead. Yet it's moving around. That's interesting."

Cordelia : "Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?"

Giles: "Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead.' Americans."

Cordelia: "Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute, okay? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally, I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault..."

Giles: "Cordelia, it's me! It's me!"
Cordelia: "How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?"
Giles: "Cordelia, do stop being tiresome."
Cordelia: "It's him."

Xander: "Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good."

~

FAITH, HOPE AND TRICK

Willow : "Maybe we shouldn't be too couply around Buffy."
Cordelia : "Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?"
Xander : "Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell or what?"

Oz : "All right, prepare to uncouple. Uncouple."

Willow : "Oh, I didn't mean the bad thing with your mouth. I meant that little half-smile thing that you--. You're supposed to stop me when I do that."
Oz : "I like when you do that."

Willow: "Have you ever noticed, though, when he is mad but he's too English to say anything, he makes that weird cluck-cluck sound with his tongue?"

Giles : "It's a great honor to be invited... or so I'm told."
Faith : "Oh, it's boring. Way too stuffy for a guy like you."
Buffy : "Um, maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles."
Faith : "I've seen him. If I'd have known they came that young and cute, I would've requested a transfer."
Buffy : "Raise your hand if 'ew'."

Willow : "And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes."
Xander : "And this is the spot where Angel tried to kill Willow."
Willow : "Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on parent-teacher night. Oh, and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave."
Xander : "And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid."

Cordelia : "What is it with you and Slayers? Maybe I should dress up as one, and put a stake to your throat."
Xander : "Oh, please, God, don't let that be sarcasm

~

BEAUTY AND THE BEASTS

Scott : "Hey, Buffy! That's what I stopped you for, basically. Hey."
Buffy : "Okay. Hey."

Scott : "I hope you realize I don't actually know these people. I just, I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them."

~

HOMECOMING

Scott : "I assumed that you would think it was corny or something. But I'm in, I mean, you know, if you are, if you want to."
Buffy : "Sure. I do, you know, if you want to."
Scott : "Well, I do if you want to."
Oz : "The judges will accept that as a yes."

Mr. Trick : "Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to Slayerfest '98."

Willow : "It's my first big dance, you know. Where there's a boy, and a band. And not just me alone in my room pretending that there's a boy and a band. I just want it to be..."
Xander : "Special. That's why I spared no expense on the tux."
Willow : "The tux? I thought you borrowed it from your cousin Rigby?" Xander : "Expense to my pride, Will. They're our only relations with money, and they shun us. As they should."

Buffy : "Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?"

~

BAND CANDY

The Mayor : "I made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires its tribute. You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick. I keep my campaign promises."

Willow : "You okay, Ms. Barton?"
Ms. Barton : "Oh, I'm cool, Willow. Willow. That's a tree. You're a tree. Are there any nachos in here, Little Tree?"

Willow : "'Kiss rocks'? Why would anyone want to... oh, wait, I get it."

Buffy : "It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt so alone."
Giles : "Was that the math or the verbal?" Buffy: "Mostly the math."

~

REVELATIONS

Gwendolyn : "The fact is, there is talk in the Council that you have become a bit too... American."
Giles : "Me?"
Buffy : "Him?"

Giles : "She was kicked out by the Council a couple of years ago for misuses of dark power. They swear there was a memo."

~

LOVER's WALK

Oz : "I can see why you'd be upset."
Willow : "..."
Oz : "That was my sarcastic voice."
Xander : "You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice." Oz : "I've been told that."

Xander : "Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain." Cordelia : "Please! I have some experience in covering these things up."

Willow : "Buffy! Hey, did you get your S.A.T. scores?"
Xander : "And by the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are gonna' be manning the drive-thru window side by side."

Willow : "1430! Buffy, you kicked ass!"
Buffy : "..."
Willow : "Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited."

Spike : "I caught her on a park bench, making out with a chaos demon! Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting."

Spike : "That smell. Your neck. I haven't had a woman in weeks."
Willow : "Now, hold on! I'll do your spell for you, and, and I'll get you Drusilla back, but there will be no bottle in face, and there will be no 'having' of any kind with me. All right?"

Joyce : "Well, she sounds very unreasonable."
Spike : "She is. She's out of her mind. That's what I miss most about her."

Spike : "No, this is different. Our love was eternal. Literally. You got any of those little marshmallows?"

Oz : <sniffs> "It's Willow. She's nearby."
Cordelia : "What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume."
Oz : "She's afraid."
Cordelia : "Oh my God. Is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing."
Oz : "I really agree."

Xander : "If he's so drunk, he'll get sloppy, and then I'll make my move. As long as my move doesn't involve standing up or using my limbs, we'll be okay."

~

THE WISH

Buffy : "You got plans?"
Xander : "I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans."

Buffy : "No luck reaching Cordelia?" Xander: "I've left a few messages. Sixty... seventy."

Buffy : "Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic." Xander : "Mine is much more advanced."

Xander : "Starting this minute, I'm gonna' grab a hold of that crazy little thing called life and let it do its magical little healie thing. What's done is done. Let's be in the moment. Behold the beauty that is now. Who's with me?" Buffy : "Actually making sense. We're young and free in America. How dare we be spun by love or the lack of same?" Willow : "Absolutely. It's self-indulgent. I'm in. I'm on the joy train."
Buffy, Xander, & Willow : "..."
Buffy : "That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?"

Master : "Ahh. Xander... Willow... hungry? I've lost my appetite for this one. She keeps looking at me. I'm trying to eat, and she looks at me."

Xander : "Isn't that what they called the Slayer?"
Willow : "Hmm. Buffy. Ooh, scary."
Xander : "Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts."

Master : "They claim that death is our art. I say to them... Well, I don't say anything to them because I kill them."

Willow : "Uh-oh. Puppy got out."

~

AMENDS

Buffy : "What are you doing for Christmas?"
Willow : "Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everybody worships Santa."

Buffy : "I'm not seeing him anymore. I'm trying to put all this behind me, and I'm not gonna' be able to as long as we're both doing guest spots in each other's dreams."

Buffy : "Bringers. Harbingers. They have a 'no eyes' kind of look."
Willy : "Doesn't ring a bell." Xander: "How 'bout I ring that bell for you. (to Buffy) Does the threatening come now?" Buffy : "Maybe you shouldn't help."

Willy : "I heard a few things, you know, from the underground."
Xander : "The underground?"
Willy : "Yeah, you know. From things that live under the ground."

Willy : "Hey. You did great, by the way. I was very intimidated by you."
Xander : "Really? Thanks!"

~

GINGERBREAD

Buffy : "Is Willow around?"
Xander : "How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume because I'm here, she's here, that I somehow mysteriously know where she is."
Buffy : "Those her books?"
Xander : "Yeah, she's in the bathroom."

Xander : "Oh man, it's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboy's in my locker."

Principal Snyder : "Just remember, lift a finger against me, and you'll have to answer to MOO."
Buffy : "Answer to moo? Did that sentence just make some sense that I'm not in on?"
Principal Snyder : "Mothers Opposed to the Occult. A powerful new group."
Buffy : "And who came up with that lame name?"
Principal Snyder : "That would be the founder. I believe you call her Mom."

Angel : "I heard about this. People are talking. People are even talking to me."

<Cordelia repeatedly smacks Giles on face>
Cordelia: "Took you long enough to wake up. My hand hurts."
Giles: "Pity."

Cordelia : "I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness, and found you all unconscious - again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're going to wake up in a coma."
Giles : "Wake up in a...? Oh, never mind."

Buffy : "Maybe we should get her one of those wheel thingies."

Buffy: "Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back and getting stronger."
Angel: "We never win."
Buffy: "Not completely."
Angel: "We never will. That's not why we fight. We do it because there's things worth fighting for."

~

HELPLESS

Buffy : "Actually, I do have a thing."
Angel : "A thing? A date?"
Buffy : "Nice attempt at casual."

Giles : "Faith is not interested in proper training, so I must rely on you to keep up with yours."
Buffy : "I hate being the good one."

Buffy : "So, how's it going with Amy the rat?"
Willow : "Good. She loves her new exercise wheel. She runs around, her nose wiggles--."
Buffy : "I meant, how's it going, changing her back into a human being?"
Willow : "Oh. Still working on it. But I just got her the cutest little bell."

Xander : "You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse, and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, Slayer kryptonite."
Oz : "Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills."
Xander : "You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers."
Oz : "Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird..."
Buffy : "Guys. Reality."

~

THE ZEPPO

Buffy : "Willow, you okay?"
Willow : "Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear."

Xander : "Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons, the most hideous creatures hell ever spit out, and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?"
Cordelia : "Because, unlike all those other creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there."
Xander : "Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?"

Lysette : "Wow. Cool knife."
Xander : "Yeah, great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword." Jack : "She's called Katie."
Xander : "You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you."

~

BAD GIRLS

Faith : "So, what, you're telling me never?"
Buffy: "Faith, really now is not the time!"
Faith : "I'm curious. Never ever? Come on, really. All this time, and not even once?"
Buffy : "How many times do I have to say it? I have never... done it... with Xander. He's just a friend."
Faith : "So? What are friends for? I mean, I'm sorry, it's just, all this sweating nightly, side-by-side action, and you never put in for a little after-hours ugh?"
Buffy : "Thanks for the poetry."

Faith : "Nicely diverted, B."
Buffy : "Diverted? That was me fighting for my life, Miss Attention Span." Faith : "This isn't a Tupperware party. It's a little hard to plan."
Buffy : "The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street."

Mayor : "Where is the owner of these fine implements?"
Mr. Trick : "The common term is 'slain'."

Xander : "Is anyone else intimidated? Because I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon."
Oz : "They're typing those now."

Cordelia : "That's so cute. Planning life as a loser? Most people just turn out way, but you're really taking charge."
Xander : "The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone. Who, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear."
Cordelia : "Well, Xander, I could dress more like you, but, oh, my father has a job."

Buffy : "Is he evil?"

~

CONSEQUENCES

Cordelia : "Check out Giles, the next generation. What's your deal?"

Wesley : "The code word? Monkey. M-O-N-K... Just put him on, will you?"

Willow : "Maybe we should all talk to Faith together."
Buffy : "You mean, like that intervention thing you guys did on me? As I recall, Xander and I nearly came to blows."
Xander : "You nearly came to blows, Buffy. I nearly came to loss of limbs."

Buffy : "When did you guys hang out?"
Xander : "Well, she was fighting one of those apocalypse demon things and I helped her. Gave her a ride home."
Buffy : "And you guys talked?"
Xander : "Not extensively, no."
Buffy : "Then why would you... Oh."
Giles : "Oh!"
Willow : "I don't need to say 'oh', I got it before."

Angel : "Sorry about the chains. It's not that I don't trust you, it's... Actually, it is that I don't trust you."

~

DOPPELGANGLAND

Anya : "And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math."

Willow : "You think I'm boring."
Oz : "I'd call that a radical interpretation of the text."

Willow : "I'm eating this now. It's not lunch time, I don't even care."

Buffy : "Aren't you gonna' introduce me to your-- Holy God, you're Willow."

Giles : "She was truly the finest of all of us."
Xander: "Way better than me."
Giles : "Much, much better."

Willow : "Jeez, who died?"
Buffy, Xander, & Giles : "..."
Willow : "Oh God, who died?"

Willow : "Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night."
Xander : "Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?"
Buffy : "Oh yeah."

Cordelia : "What could we talk about? Oh! Hey! How about the ethics of boyfriend stealing?"

Wesley : "Was that...?"
Cordelia : "Willow. They got Willow. So, you doing anything tonight?"

Willow : "A human? Oh yeah? Could a human do this? Aaah!"
Anya : "Sure, yeah. Humans do that, yeah."
Alfonse : "Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah."

Percy : "It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't exactly which one to do, so I did both."

~

ENEMIES

Giles : "Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore."

Cordelia : "I have a paper to write for English, and you're English, so I thought... what? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective?"

Faith : "I'm the world's best actor."
Angel : "Second best."

Willow : "His debt to you is repaid? What did you do?"
Giles : "I introduced him to his wife."

~

EARSHOT

Xander : "Oh my God, he's looking at her! He's got his filthy, adult, Pierce Brosnan-y eyes all over my Cordy."
Oz : "You're a very complex man, aren't you?"

Oz : "It was intense."
Xander : "Yeah, for a minute there, I thought you were going to make an expression."
Oz : "Well, I felt one coming on, I won't lie."

Oz : "I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist."

Buffy : "You had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!"
Joyce : "It was the candy. We were teenagers."
Buffy : "On the hood of a police-car?!"
Joyce : "I'll be downstairs. You feel better."
Buffy : "Twice?!"

Buffy : "I don't see this being settled with logic." *wham*

~

CHOICES

Buffy : "But you - I can't believe you got into Oxford!"
Willow : "It's pretty exciting."
Oz : "There's some deep academia there."
Buffy : "That's where they make Gileses!"

Mayor : "What happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him."
Faith : "I made him an offer he couldn't survive."

Principal Snyder : "You... all of you... Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?"

~

THE PROM

Anya : "You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
Xander : "Then why are you talking to me?"
Anya : "I don't have a date for the prom."

Anya : "Men are evil. Will you go with me?"
Xander : "One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which."

Anya : "Look I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts."
Xander : "Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open."

Giles : "Um, I understand that this sort of thing requires ice cream of some kind."

Jonathan : "A lot of weird stuff happens here."
Students: "Zombies! Hyena people! Snyder!"

Jonathan : "We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. "

Wesley : "I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I wish to do is model bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance-- ."
Giles : "For God's sake, man, she's 18! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about!" Wesley : "Right, then. Thanks for that."

~

GRADUATION DAY

Anya : "So, I was wondering, maybe if you're free this weekend, maybe we could do some... entertaining thing."
Xander : "Would that be along the lines of you telling me about all the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause, pencil me in."

Anya : "We could watch sports of some kind."
Xander : "Uh, I don't know."
Anya : "Men like sports. I'm sure of it."
Xander : "Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?"

Anya : "I've seen some horrible things in my time and life. I've been the cause of most of them, actually..."

Willow : "Oh, this is frustrating."
Oz : "Nothing useful?"
Willow : "No, it's great... if we want to make ferns invisible, or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here."
Oz : "Our lives are different than other people's."

Angel : "Anything in there that connects him to the mayor?"
Buffy : "I looked through it, but the only thing I understood were the commas."

Anya : "Fine. You know what? I hope you die. Aren't we gonna kiss?"

Wesley : "We need a strategy."
Buffy : "I have a strategy. You're not in it."
Wesley : "This is mutiny."
Buffy : "I like to think of it as graduation."

Oz : "Any change?"
Willow : "He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy."
Oz : "You, too, huh?"

Oz : "Guys, take a moment to deal with this. We survived."
Buffy : "It was a hell of a battle."
Oz : "Not the battle. High School."

Willow : "Why do demons even come here? I mean, don't they know how bad we are?"

#

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