EPISODES
| 601 NSF Thurmont | 612 365 Days |
| 602 The Birnam Wood | 613 King Corn |
| 603 Third-Day Story | 614 Wake Up Call |
| 604 Liftoff | 615 Freedonia |
| 605 The Hubbert Peak | 616 Drought Conditions |
| 606 The Dover Test | 617 A Good Day |
| 607 A Change Is Gonna Come | 618 La Palabra |
| 608 In The Room | 619 Ninety Miles Away |
| 609 Impact Winter | 620 In God We Trust |
| 610 Faith Based Initiative | 621 Things Fall Apart |
| 611 Opposition Research | 622 2162 Votes |
Bartlet: "Tell me how
this ends, Leo. You want me to start something that will have serious repercussions
on American foreign policy for decades, but you don't know how it ends."
Leo: "We don't always
KNOW how it ends."
CJ: "You ever look
around and think: if we're the ones in charge this country's in a helluva
lot of trouble?"
Toby: "'Til I spend
time with the other guys..."
Ayres: "So you fly
half way around the world at a moment's notice to rush to a woman's bedside
when the White House is facing off a Biblical apocalypse."
Josh: "We work together."
Ayres: "Past dalliance
gone bad, or tragically unconsummated love?"
Leo: "Just skip ahead
to the part that's gonna piss me off."
Toby: "That's gonna
be all of it."
Bartlet: "They want
peace but I have to blow something up first?"
Leo: "I think they
are willing to haggle on the peace part."
Bartlet: "Whether you choose to do this today or ten years from today, you will face the same geography, the same neighbors, the same ancient animosities. More years of bloodshed and pain will not change those facts. The only path to a real and lasting peace is through negotiation."
Kate: "The tragedy
is the Palestinians and the Jews are so much alike."
Charlie: "How's that?"
Kate: "All through
history, no one's wanted either of them."
Leo: "I can't support
this decision..."
Bartlet: "We can't
keep having this argument."
Leo: "No sir, we can't.
If my counsel is no longer of use to you, perhaps--"
Bartlet: "So, if I
disagree with your advice, you have to threaten me?"
Leo: "This is your
own League of Nations and it will ruin you like it ruined Wilson."
Bartlet: "Okay. I'll
need your successor in place before you leave."
...
Leo: "I'll get you
some names."
Bartlet: "Read the
coverage. We're doing fine."
Toby: "Today, sure,
and the second day's story is how you pulled it off. But the third-day
story is that Congress doesn't want to pay, that our coalition's fraying
that the spokes are coming off the wheels..."
Reporter: "Who's the
new White House Chief of Staff?"
CJ: "You know so much,
you tell me."
Reporter: "I'm hearing
Will Bailey."
CJ: "Then you should
have your hearing checked."
Josh: "It's like a torture chamber designed by renegade Keebler elves."
Bartlet: "Josh, perhaps
you could shed some light on this State Department cable: 'Turkmenistan
to U.S.: We didn't order these pizzas'."
Josh: "Bet you're
thinking there's a really good explanation for that, sir?"
Bartlet: "He's my best friend. I'm not the kind of person who has best friends."
Abby: "You have got to keep him out of that job. He'll kill himself for you if you don't."
Santos (to Josh): "Everybody likes the look of the next rung up the ladder. But you know what? You couldn't do the kind of politicking you do behind Leo McGarry's desk. You'd be making sure the trains run on time. They need you: You love that fight. And you're good at it. I don't love it."
CJ (to Margaret): "You're an odd woman and I've never quite understood you. But you are extremely capable and you run this office like a Swiss watch — and you're tall which is reassuring. Leo may need you and if he does, that's okay. But if he's willing to part with you, I hope you'll stay."
Josh (to Kate): "I don't know how we get funding for giant mine-sniffing rats."
Josh: "Are we back on rats of unusual size?"
Kate (about Josh): "This is hilarious but not actually funny."
Bartlet (re: Commerce Sec.): "A man so soporific one shouldn't operate heavy machinery in his vicinity."
Bartlet (to CJ): "I'm noticing a distinct slackening of awe, a certain lack of trembling in my presence."
Toby: "On a scale of one to ten - ten being CJ and one being a chimp throwing feces - where do I rank?"
Bartlet (to Charlie): "Enjoy your party. I think everyone's blocked off all of eight minutes."
Annabeth: "How do you
get women? Briefing the press is a seduction."
Toby: "Briefing the
press isn't a seduction. It's war!"
Toby: "How do you get
women? Smart and funny. Right?"
Josh: "Plus, I've
got that, you know, boyish thing."
Annabeth: "Do you want
my help?"
Toby: "Not if it involves
make-up... or alternative facial-hair strategies."
Leo (about lunch): "I can enjoy it as a spectator sport."
Leo (to CJ): "You need to get the President to play chess."
CJ: "How was your meeting."
Josh: "Pretty Darwinian."
Nurse: "Why do you
need a tie and jacket?
Leo: "What would you
recommend?"
Nurse: "When Ghandi
went to London to meet the King of England, he wore only a dhoti. The reporter
asked, 'Aren't you ashamed to meet a king wearing so little?' Ghandi said
'No—'"
Leo: "'The King will
be wearing enough for both of us.'"
Kate: "I play a lot of Risk."
Josh: "Fins to the left, fins to the right."
Bartlet: "How do you
like the old place?"
Gov. Baker: "It's
humbling"
Bartlet: "Believe
me it's worse from behind that desk. There's a dagger that hangs from a
thread somewhere up there."
Gov. Baker: "I would
think the Secret Service would do something about that."
Josh: "Sir, you are
jeopardising a very tolerable evolving status quo."
Senator Hunt: "The
Chinese have 496 ballistic missiles pointing at Taiwan and I'm jeopardising
the status quo? Refusing to suppot Taiwanese independence? It's wrong.
And I think you know that I'm right."
Leo: "I lived through the first Cold War. One was enough."
Hoynes (to Josh): "It's time to start leading. You're never going to be Leo McGarry to Jed Bartlet. But you can be Leo to me. I'm running for President. I want you with me. I want you to run my campaign."
Donna (to Josh): "I'm done helping you ignore Will."
Bartlet: "No one outside the State Department thinks 'raising the issue' and doing something means the same thing."
Penn: "What if we burned
the flag not in protest, but in celebration of the very freedoms, that
allow us to burn a flag? The freedoms that everyone, who's ever worked
in this magnificent building, has pledged to preserve and protect."
Josh: "Did you go
to law school?"
Penn: "No. Clown school
Will (to Josh): "He's smart enough to take your advice... Bob Russell might be the next President of the United States. You get in now, you can make him the candidate you want him to be. After that we make him the President we need him to be."
Senator Vinick: "My
father used to say, you can't trust a man who doesn't shine his own shoes.
Does anyone shine those things?"
Josh: "Not really.
No."
Vinick: "The Founding
Fathers didn't set up a government based on trust. They could have designed
a government based on trust in our ability to govern fairly but they knew
that power corrupts so they invented checks and balances. That was genius.
The Founding Fathers did not want me to trust you and they did not want
you to trust me."
Josh: "Well they must
be very proud of us."
Josh: "Republican who
wins California wipes us out in the Electorial College.... He's not getting
the nomination."
Leo: "If he does,
we've got no one who can beat him."
Bartlet: "I'm fine as long as I don't attempt any superhuman feat like say writing my name."
Josh: "So, we may be
hit with a hunk of intergalactic rock, we don't know when or where, and
there's no more information coming because in Maui it's cloudy?"
Sprout: "Welcome to
my world."
Bartlet: "I'm just saying, you drop me, that's a moment that follows you the rest of your life."
Margaret: "There's
someone here from NASA. He needs to speak to whoever's in charge, and at
this point I have no idea who that is."
Leo: "Maybe, keep
the philosophical questions to yourself?"
Josh: "What happened
to the good old days when a couple of hacks with cigars chose the nominiee
in a smoked filled back room."
Leo: "They didn't
do so bad, did they?"
Josh: "We need a back
room."
Leo: "We're it. You
and me. This is the back room."
Josh: "I can't pick up and leave the White House to go run a campaign for some dark horse I pulled out of a corn field."
Donna: "Can we do this
now?"
Josh: "What?"
Donna: "The conversation
that was supposed to have over lunch but that ship sailed so lets just
have it now."
Josh: "Can't. World
ending."
Donna: "I thought
it wasn't hitting."
Josh: "Might."
Donna: "I thought
there's nothing you can do."
Josh: "There isn't.
Doesn't mean the situation's not to be monitored closely."
Donna: "Tomorrow.
Lunch. Definitely."
Matthew Santos: "Josh
wants me to run for President."
Helen Santos: "...of
the United States?"
Bartlet: "If I'd wanted to exercise, I'd have never become an economist."
Marla (to Toby): "Step away from the door!"
Josh (about Marla): "I think I lost the temp lottery."
Annabeth (to CJ): "You want to emphatically deny something you have no problem with and make it publically clear this is a private matter?"
CJ: "What are you —
4'10?"
Annabeth: "4'11."
CJ: "I can't believe
we're the same species."
Toby (about the bill): "I want to kill it before it learns how to walk."
Will: "The Vice President
is pro-marriage."
Toby: "As are we all.
I've been married almost twice to the same woman."
Sen. Wilkinson: "Toby,
do you believe the Bible to be literally true?"
Toby: "Yes, sir. But
I don't think either of us is smart enough to understand it."
CJ (re: her lovelife): "I'm looking at some bad numbers."
Russell: "So no one here is worried that the Paper Reduction Act is more than 500 pages long?"
Josh (about Hoynes): "...straddling the political divide like an Adonis."
Bartlet: "Is upholding
the sanctity of marriage our job? I raised my right hand and swore an oath
to uphold the Constitution."
Sen. Wilkinson: "Where
was your left hand, Mr. President?"
Santos: "I want this to be a campaign of ideas... Entitlements are collapsing, our school system's a joke, you could sneak a fleet of tanks across the Canadian border and these campaigns always wind up being about a candidate's high school transcripts..."
Santos: "You, know they say, 'Democracy is about how we choose who gets the blame'. Well, I will take the blame but I will never forget those of you who deserve the credit. Thank you for being with me at the start of this crazy roller-coaster ride."
Will (to Josh) : "I know you don't want to attack the President's record, also known as your record, also known as the Vice President's record... I'm proposing a pre-emptive truce."
Josh: "Congressman
I need to talk to you about the schedule."
Santos: "We're gonna
need a better codeword than that."
Joey (via Kenny): "He's
within the margin of error."
Josh: "Of who?"
Joey (via Kenny):
"Of having any support at all."
Josh: "Mayflowergate? That's a 'gate' already? No way is that a 'gate'..."
Santos: "If we're going
to do this, I'm not going to make it easy.... I'm going to push every limit.
And that's the campaign you get to run."
Josh: "What if I can't
make that work?"
Santos: "Well, then
no one can."
Leo: "We've been here seven trips around the sun. Done some things we're proud of, things we're less pleased about... It may be time for us to take our own temperature; an internal inventory... What's done. What's undone. What's done that we'd like to undo or do over."
CJ: "Overwhelming response
to the State of the Union. Thirty-six interruptions for applause.
Bartlet: "I don't
know what's more embarrassing. That we count them or that I care."
Will: "Hear. Hear.
Come now, no false modesty."
Toby: "It's actually
self-loathing."
Leo: "You seem remarkably
uncomfortable accepting praise even for you. Last night's State of the
Union, you pulled your punches..."
Toby: "You've had
a heart attack and he can't stand up."
Leo: "I'd like to have the occasional light cream sauce without people reacting as if it was a suicide attempt."
Leo: "We have 365 more days... For both of us, sir, this is our last game."
Leo: "We have the ability to affect more change in a day in the White House than we will have in a lifetime once we walk out these doors. What do you want to do with them?"
Fringe Guy: "We gotta
get the government outta our pockets."
Donna: "Sir, are you
sure you're a Democrat?"
Toby: "Your country has a history of brutal dictatorship, I don't think a strong executive is such a good idea... Half the faculty at Yale Law describes the American Presidential system as one of this country's most dangerous exports... It is a recipe for constitutional breakdown."
Toby: "These guys have
to walk out of this building on Friday with a set of laws to take back
home to Minisk."
Prof. Lessig: "Not
a set of laws, a sense of the rule of law."
Toby: "You're not
planning on writing a constitution this week?"
Prof. Lessig: "The
document is just a beginning. A constitutional democracy succeeds only
if the constitution reflects democratic values alive in the citizenry.
Which is why our most important job is to instill those values in their
leaders through discussion and debate... how many guys do you think it
takes?"
Lord Marbury: "So, it's your fault... You've been spying on their nuclear facilities... Why do you think they want you to stop?"
Bartlet: "Apparently,
when you're running for the Presidency, there's no need for nuance."
Leo: "It is a french
word."
Bartlet: "She didn't
wake me up this morning. I could have—"
Leo: "What? Prime
Minister Grady thinks you are an intellectual snob. A Yankee Doodle windbag.
Likely as not you would have made things worse."
Bartlet: "If an American
dies and there is even the slightest suspicion of international intrigue,
she's supposed to wake me."
Leo: "Since when?
If I had used that rule, you'd be dead by now of sleep deprivation."
Josh: "We can't afford
a huge, glitzy ad buy, so we run something feisty, funny, out-of-the-box.
Turns our one minute of prime time into a national sensation."
Aide: "Santos on ice
skates, wearing a goalie outfit, pledging to defend America?"
Josh: "Closer to the
box than that."
Josh: "How about our
exclusion from the debates. Let's try that."
Aide: "So, what do
we do? Film chicken coops and say they're too chicken to debate us?"
Josh: "I want two
volunteers. I want them in giant chicken suits. I want them in my office
first thing in the morning."
CJ (to Josh about Donna): "Didn't you teach that girl not to engage a chicken?"
CJ: "This lack of Josh is becoming a problem."
CJ: "You want me to
hire Cliff Calley? ...No. He's the wrong choice. And he's irritating. And
he's obnoxious."
Leo: "That's worked
for us in the past."
Kate: "Do we even have a map of Canada?"
Santos: "You're Russell's
chicken fighter?"
Donna: "Donna Moss,
pleased to meet you."
Will: "The Vice President
advocates a hard line."
Kate: "Permanent lockout
in the NHL? Maple sirup embargo? Turn off Niagara Falls?"
Kate: "Ambassador, listen carefully. An hour ago I reviewed the United States' contingency plan to invade your country... 1789 revised in 1815, the caligraphy is beautiful."
Kate: "This has gone too far! I just threatened the Canadian ambassador."
Bartlet: "You gotta ask, what's the next guy — a mere mortal — gonna do?"
Santos: "The Governor
has already endorsed Hoynes... Nothing I say tomorrow is going to make
a difference. We need to focus on electing a Progressive candidate. Then
we can take on all the tough causes."
La Palabra Rep: "Now
all we need is a progessive candidate."
Donna: "I love what
I'm doing master of all tasks... I just wondered if I might be more useful
doing something more specific... I've learned these issues clockwise and
sidewise..."
Will: "Can I have
a pool over here please? Donna Moss has a statement."
Josh: "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it."
Josh: "I've never seen a poll like this. We need a margin of error for the margin of error."
Bartlet (quoting Hemmingway): "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially."
Annabeth: "It doesn't matter who wins. No one's going to have enough delegates for the nomination. Come on. Wake up and smell the chaos."
Bartlet: "We need to
remind people we still know a little something about running the country."
Toby: "Maybe a little
less about running a party."
Bruno (to Vinick): "You can put this country back together."
Vinick: "I'm for all the good government we can afford, no more, no less."
Vinick: "The team should pay their own way. These guys can pay 80 million dollars for a shortstop but they can't pay for their own stadiums? Come on."
Vinick: "If you can't drink their booze, take their money and then vote against them, you don't belong in this business."
Vinick: "Whatever happened
to the separation of church and state?"
Bartlet: "It's hanging
in there, but I'm afraid the constitution doesn't say anything about the
separation of church and politics."
Vinick: "You saying
that's a good thing?"
Bartlet: "I'm saying
that's the way it is: always has been."
Vinick: "You think
a voter really needs to know if I go to church?"
Bartlet: "I don't
need to know but then I'm not going to vote for you anyway. It's not up
to us to decide what the voters get to use in evaluating us."
Vinick: "A little
odd coming from someone who wasn't completely open about his health."
Bartlet: "That was
a big mistake."
Vinick: "One Christmas
my wife gave me a very old edition of the King James Bible — 17th century.
It was a real find for a book collector. It was a thrill just to hold it.
Then I read it."
Bartlet: "You can't
take it literally."
Vinick: "Yeah, that's
what my priest friends kept telling me. But the more I read it, the less
I could believe. I could not believe there was a God that said the penalty
for working on the Sabbath was death. I couldn't believe there was a God
who said the penalty for adultery was death."
Bartlet: "I'm more
of a New Testament man, myself."
Vinick: "I couldn't
believe there was a God who had no penalty for slavery. The Bible has no
problem with slavery at all. Lincoln could have used a little help from
the Bible."
Bartlet: "You think
Lincoln was an atheist?"
Vinick: "I hope not.
That would mean all his references to God were just purely political."
Bartlet: "The only thing you can pray for in this job is the strength to get through the day. You can try coffee if you want, but prayer works better for me."
Vinick: "I don't see how we can have a separation of church and state in this government if you have to pass a religious test to get in this government. And I want to warn everyone in the press and all the voters out there, if you demand expressions of religious faith from politicians, you are just begging to be lied to. They won't all lie to you but a lot of them will. And it will be the easiest lie they ever had to tell to get your votes. So, every day until the end of this campaign, I'll answer any question anyone has on government, But if you have a question on religion, please go to church."
Toby: "I actually can't
think of anything as unspontaneous as a Republican National Convention."
Leo: "Four nights
of Swiss-watch precision."
Bartlet: "Werner Von Braun's autobiography was titled 'I Aim for the Stars.' Mort Sahl joked, he should have added 'Only Sometimes I Hit London."
Bartlet : "It's really
the Republicans fault that we're caught in this terribly embarrassing situation...
I think the best thing is to carry on as if this encounter hadn't happened."
Charlie: "Due respect,
I'm having a hard time imagining that."
Bartlet: "We both
have to be at work in a couple of hours and you are standing outside my
daughter's bedroom. I say we give it a shot."
Gov. Sullivan: "I am
sick and tried of being sick and tired."
Josh (yelling at TV):
"You're going to hell!"
Donna: "Gets people
willing to wait until next time."
Josh: "How'd you get
so smart about this?"
Donna: "I had a good
teacher."
Josh: "Thanks."
Donna: "I meant Will."
Hoynes aide (to Will): "It's a lousy job, your candidate would agree, mine does."
Sec. Hutchinson: "No
one wants Space to become a battleground."
CJ: "Is that the argument
in favor of building it, or is that the argument in favor of not building
it? Or is that the argument in favor of building it and not telling anyone?"
Sec. Hutchinson: "The
answer to that would be yes."
CJ: "What do you do
when he's just wrong?"
Leo: "Remind yourself
he's the one that got elected."
Leo: "It'll be entertaining.
Professional Wrestling is entertaining. But when they click off the set,
no one runs out and votes for the loudmouth in the leotard."
Josh: "Outside of
Minnesota."
Toby: "Arnold Vinick
just positioned himself as Jed Bartlet's natural successor."
Annabeth: "How'd he
do that?"
Toby: "Without one
mention, without so much as an allusion to either one, he managed to dismiss
Russell and Santos as puny dwarf-like children trying to get a seat at
the grownups' table."
Leo (re: Vinick): "Nice
what he said about you."
Bartlet: "Yeah, the
bastard. He just picked up five million Democratic votes."
Leo: "One night of this is entertaining. Two and we look like idiots."
Josh (to aide): "Is that a clean shirt? Gimmee."
Bartlet: "A national security leak during the Democratic convention! Are we working for the Republicans now? They're going to whack us for the security leak and then whack us again for dithering over saving the lives of brave astronauts..."
Bartlet: "It's a free-for-all. I think Aaron Burr's got 20 votes."
Josh (re: Santos):
"He's his own man."
Leo: "And I thought
I found the last one."
Santos: "We're all broken — every single one of us — and yet we pretend that we're not. We all live lives of imperfection and yet we cling to the fantasy that there's a perfect life and that our leaders should embody it, but if we expect our leaders to live on some higher moral plane than the rest of us, well, we're just asking to be deceived... Don't vote for us because you think we're perfect. Don't vote for us because of what we might be able to do for you only. Vote for the person who shares your ideals, your hopes, your dreams. Vote for the person who most embodies what you believe we need to keep our nation strong and free."
REFERENCES
As I've already told
you, they are killing me this season. He's no longer her boss. They are
spending the night in the same hotel room for heaven's sake. Is Donna fated
to only become smitten with guest stars?
- TV Gal *really* wants Josh and Donna to get together, Zap2It.Com
You want to know how
dire "West Wing" has become? If it were happening in the real world, I'd
be giving serious consideration to voting for Alan Alda, despite the fact
that it would mean having a president who is (a) Republican and (b) named
Arnold.
- Peter David
>> Read quotes from Season Five