The Goon Show
or Captain Stingo, or Goon Law, or Anythinggggg, or Hern!

Well, thats a good answer son. you must be mighty proud of it.
- Colonel Slocombe


Wal: This is the BBC Home Service

Peter: <prerecorded> Big Brother is watching YOU!

Eccles: Ohhhh

f/x: gong

Secombe: Listeners! You are warned this program is NOT to be listened to!

<manic laugh>

Milligan: <coughing>

Bluebottle: Ehh ehh! I don't like this game

Wal: The BBC would like to caution parents this program is unsuitable for the very young, the very old, the middle aged, those just going off, those on the turn, young dogs and alderman(??) John Snagge.

f/x: gong

Peter: (?) This is the story of the year 1985!

grams: groaning, whaling and crying into screaming ... into dance music

Seagoon: My name is 846 Winston Seagoon. I am a worker in the great news collecting centre of the Big Brother Corporation, or as you knew it the BBC. In every room is a TV screen that gives out stream of orders.

Voice (Peter): Attention people of England state. Thanks to derationing and the free market the price of tea has now gone down to 85 gunies a quarter. And now here is good news for state housewives -- the following goods are now in the shops. Plastic and sawdust elephant nightshirts, second hand concrete parachutes, artifical explodable wooden bloomers, mens self igniting tailess shirts (with anti thundersheet attachment). There are UNLIMITED SUPPLIES IN THE SHOPS!!

Eccles: Oh its good to be alive, in 1985

Voice: Now here is announcer 283947625232476954327618976/2

Seagoon: Good old Greenslade.

Wal: Special interest to BBC workers. By mixing water with earth our scientists have invented MUD! Its now on sale in the BBC canteen under the name of macroni augratin or coffee.

Seagoon: Big fat slob -- get off the screen

GTT: Worker Seagoon, did I hear you complaining?

S: Ohh -- vision master Ronny Wallman.

GTT: You are not complaining about our new BBC TV are you?

S: No -- oh no. I ..

GTT: <quickly> What is the finest TV program in the world?

S: <automatically> Kalideoscope

GTT: You are forgiven. As a penance you will put a copy of the RadioTimes in your window. Don't forget to watch tonights program...

S: Yes -- ask Son of Pickles

GTT: Yes. Tonight he hopes to have a one legged dieing Eskomo play the piano for him. Now everybody -- face the TV screen. Time for the 'Hate Half Hour'

Voice (Milligan, like Morarity): Attention all! On the screen now is the one man you must hate! The sworn enemy of the Big Brother Corporation -- this is him!

Horrice Mimick (Lew Cash): Listen, listen! Don't believe them! Listen! BBC workers. Rise and overthrow your masters before its too late. I will lead you against them. Strike now! Revolt!

Seagoon: So this was Horrice Mimick. Leader of the ITA.

Mimik: Join the Independent Television Army now.


Voice: STOP! Enough. Now here is a special announcement from Big Brother!

orchestra: fan fare

Voice: (different) BBC workers. The canteen is now open. Lunch is ready. Doctors are standing by.

Seagoon: As I sat at my table eating my boiled water I began to hate Big Brother Corporation.

Eccles: Hey Winston. Guess what I found in my dinner.

S: What?

E: Food! Oh its good to be alive in 1985

S: Poor producer fool. Still 60 years with the Huggets would turn anyone.

Miss Fnutt: (Peter): I love you darling!

E: I love you too, darling

Fnutt: Not you 213 Eccles, you 846 Wintson.

S: You are a woman, aren't you?

Fnutt: Yes.

S: Thank heaven -- you have got to be careful these days

Fnutt: 846 Winston, darling, I have loved you from afar.

S: My favourite distance. But who are you?

Fnutt: I am 612 Miss Fnutt. I operate the Pornograph Machine in the Forbidden records department. I love you, do you hear me!

S: No... love is not for us.

Fnutt: no...

S: ... love is only for the higher income group -- John Snagge, Audry ??? and Paul ???.

Fnutt: Let's take a chance. Lets meet somewhere under the moon alone. We can claspe each other to each other and then ... ohhhh.....

Eccles: Ohhh! It's good to be alive, in 1985

S: Shutup Eccles...

E: Shutup Eccles

S: Now darling -- where

Fnutt: Somewhere no one is listening

S: I know the place. Home Service, 8:30 Tuesday night.

Fnutt: You mean the forbidden Goon Sector...

S: Yes. Wait -- that belt you are wearing...

Fnutt: It is the anti-sex league belt

S: Ahh emm -- I don't think I will come.

Fnutt: But you too are wearing the anti-sex league belt

S: I was forced to

Fnutt: Why?

S: My trousers kept falling down.

Fnutt: Till Tuesday darling...

f/x: horse galloping off into distance...

S: Till Tuesday... There she goes -- little fairy. Tat night in my room I sat out of range of the TV screen. I loved Fnutt, and I hate Big Brother. I wrote it in my diary 'I hate BB, I hate BB, I hate BB, I hate BB'

f/x: phone ring + answer

S: Hello..

Voice (Groucho Marx): Don't tell anybody but I hate BB too.

S: Who are you, Ben Lion?

V: No, I was but this script was altered.

S: Karl Marx -- so there was an underground movement. I must try and find it. I strode into the street, pausing only to hear worker Gelgray play a perfortated haddock sock at the slope...

Max and Orchestra: Music (It had to be you)

S: And so I entered the forbidden Goon Sector of London hoping to contact a member of the ITA. Once there I went into the notorious public house -- ????????

grams: general brothel type noises (NOT THOSE ones :)) plates smashing etc

Bloodnok: Now lads I know you are all enjoying yourselfs, but silence, silence please for the cabret. I have pleasure in presenting those glamourous grandmothers the three Beverly Sisters.

f/x: gun shot

Bloodnok: Correction -- the Beverly Twins

f/x: gun shot

Bloodnok: Miss Beverly will sing

f/x: gun shot

Bloodnok: Everybody dance...

grams: piano playing

S: To think -- this used to be palm court. I looked around the bar. They were dressed in cloth caps, cordiory trousers, rough lumberjacket shirts, bald heads and beards -- and some of them men were dressed the same.

Bluebottle: Ehh!

S: I'm sorry I did not see you...

B: You did not hurt me. Enter Bluebottle the toast of the Goon Sector. Thank you fellow Goons for the sausages.

S: What is that plain wrapper book you are reading...

B: It is a naughty little bookel. Listen to this: In the darkness she felt his hot breath on his bed rails. Then a warm hand fell on her marble wash stand.

S: STOP! Stop, stop that at once. Give me that book!

B: Why?

S: I want to read it. What's it called?

B: It's called "Mrs Dale's Real Diary"

S: Mrs Dale's?? Heavens -- would the BBC stop at nothing? So this was how they kept the masses from thinking.

B: Ehh! Look at this page! Ehh! It's a Three D picture of Mrs Dale in her nightshirt being chased Richard Dimblebee... ehh! ehh! oooohhhh. Pauses to wipe drawl off chin.

S: I had to go outside. I could not bear to watch these poor Goons wallow in misery. It was then I wandered into an antique shop.

f/x: door opening + shop bell

Crun: <singing> I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts...

S: Good evening. Do you mind if I take a gander around the shop?

C: No, as long as its housetrained... <continues singing>

S: I say! What's this old object?

C: That, beautiful isn't it, it's called a cricket bat.

S: Oh yes... yes ... did they have test matches way back?

C: Yes... that's right. As a matter of fact this bat was used in the very last match by Lenn Hutton -- you can see it is quite unmarked

S: Old man, tell me --- what was it like back in 1954.

C: Well we had sports and games, coloured movies, Charlie Chester, Monkhouse, Rubert Harding -- ohhh it was terrible.

f/x: shop bell

E: Listen -- look who I bought along

Fnut: Hello dearest.

S: Darling, darling I love you

E: And I love you too

S: Shut up Eccles

E: Shut up, you!

F: We were looking in the window for antiques and we saw you

S: We mustn't be seen together -- quick into this room

f/x: door opening then closing

F: Darling, alone at last

S: oh dearest Fnut -- let me kiss you

E: Oh! Don't start yet, I'll get a chair

S: Eccles you go outside and keep watch

E: I can watch better in here

f/x: door opening

S: Eccles! There's the door.. And now dearest, alone at last

E: Alone at last

S: Eccles! Get out or I will...

E: Ok...

f/x: door closing

E: Huh! Telling me to get out. See if I care. I don't care - I don't, I just don't care that's all. Slamming the door like that -- thye can stop in there all night for all I care. I don't mind I will wait here until they have finished. I don't mind ...


E: OK..

f/x: door closing


Bb: Ehhh!!

E: Bluebottle

Bb: Eccles

E: HEre ... you were looking through the key hole

Bb: Yes I was

E: It's naught to look through the key hole -- very very naughty to look through the key hole

Bb: Well stop looking through it when you are talking to me!

E: I was only looking becase -- I tell you something -- I aint never seen a fella kiss a girl before

Bb: Ohh ... haven't you Eccles?

E: Nooo! Here ...

Bb: What Eccles?

E: Have you ever kissed a girl?

Bb: Ehh!! Not gonna tell you

E: Come on, come on --- I'm not going to tell anyone

Bb: I'm not going to say -- I'm a man of mystery and intrege

E: But I'm your friend. Come on ... have you ever kissed a girl?

Bb: Ehhhhh!! Yes!!!

<Bluebottle and Eccles laughing>

Bb: Eccles --- I've seen somethibg you haven't seen ..

E: What's that?

Bb: I have seen -- I've seen my sister's washing on the line!!

<Bluebottle and Eccles laughing>

E: Ohhh --- It's good to be alive

Bb: I'm a happy go lucky man. Thinks: I'm a happy go lucky man

f/x: door opening

S: What's all this noise! You -- what do you want?

Bb: I have a messange -- if you want to join the Independent Television Army, report at once to number 10 RUCertian Street.

S: Are you certian?

Bb: Positive

f/x: three wooshes away

S: <breathing heavily> Here we are. Number 10 -- the ITA head quarters

GTT: Oh Winston -- I've been expecting you

S: Vision Master Waldman -- what are you doing...

GTT: Don't be frightened. I am a secret member of the Independent Television Army.

S: I had a feeling you were. I knew it by the little things -- the way you smiled at me across the room, the way you touched my hair when you passed my chair <singing> Little things meeeeeeeeean a lot!!

GTT: You silly twisted boy you. Now then --- you want to join ITA?

S: Yes

GTT: What do you know about television?

S: Three years at the BBC staff training college

GTT: What did you learn?

S: Nothing

GTT: Good. We'll make you a director. Now say after me, down with the BBC

S: Down with the BBC

GTT: Drink

s/x: smashing glasses

S: We drank and smashed our glasses in the fire place -- I had to borrow a spare pair to find my way home. As I walked home I pausd only to build a rough brick radiogram to play a record of Ray Elignton and his proles

Ray: Music (Shake Rattle and Roll)

M: Silence! Stop ! Attention! 846 Winston Seagoon. You are under arrest for consipiring with the Independent Television Army. You will wait detention by the studio attendants, you will then be prepared for the agonising death type three.

S: Had they suspected me?

M: Silence!! You will be taken to room 101

S: No! Not 101 -- not the listening room! Oh noo!!! <crying off into the background>

Wal: I would jsut like to mention that the Radio Times is now on sale at all good book stores price three pence --- and jolly good value for money it is too.

S: No ! No! Let me go! Why are they strappnig me in this box? Why these earphones?

GTT: Hello Winston, laddy

S: Vision Master Waldman. So they got you too

GTT: Yes, they got me a long time ago. I remember the date -- Monday night at 8. Now Winston, we must torture you..

S: You .. you tratior -- you decieved me

GTT: Of course you can save yourself

S: How?

GTT: Just sign this three year BBC contract.

S: What if I refuse?

GTT: You have no option

S: A BBC contract with no option? Impossible. What has become of my beloved? What have you done to Miss Funt?

GTT: Fnut will never walk the streets again.

S: Why not?

GTT: She's bought a scotter. Now are you going to sign?

S: No no!

GTT: Greenslade, turn the knob to 247 metres

f/x: radio program , getting faster and faster under:

S: No! No stop it! Stop it! Stop it ! I can't stand it! <breaks down>

GTT: You going to sign, Winston?

S: No!

GTT: Greenslade, 330 meters

f/x: radio program (speed up Goon SHow closing credits)

S: You fend to let me here that

GTT: Sign!

S: No!

GTT: You won't sign?

S: No!

GTT: Greenslade...

grams: record (what??), again getting faster and faster

S: NO!!! Not that!!

GTT: I warn you Winston, we can change people into some body else. You know Eccles

S: Yes

GTT: He used to be Izzy Bon.

S: Your lying

GTT: You think so? Greenslade -- call Barbra Kelly

Wal: <calling> Miss Kelly

Elington: Yes, you calling me Ronnie?

GTT: Ahh, Barbara dear -- what's your line?

El: Coloured television

GTT: Thank you, dear -- back on the old flying wire

S: You fend. Poor Barbara Kelly

GTT: On the contrary -- we think it is a great improvement

S: It must be terrible at bed time with Braden

GTT: Well it gets dark early in Canada, you know

S: So the awful torture went on. In three days I lost ten stone. My weight went down to a mere twenty stone. I looked so old and ill Wilfred Pickles demanded me for his TV program. The the torture started again!

grams: Secombe record

S: No! No! Stop! It's agony -- stop that voice -- stop that voice -- stop it! Who's is it?


S: <clapping> More! Bravo! more! let's have him back again -- short fat fellow with the glasses -- more

GTT: Morarity? Take over -- I'm going to Jim Davidson for a saxaphone lesson

M: Very good -- little torturer

Bb: Enter tortuerer, Bluebottle with card board cut out torture kit

M: Listen little Lurgi ridden Yako. Prepare the screaming agony rack

Bb: Goody Goody! Thinks: perhaps 1985 is going to be a good year for Bluebottle. Starts to get agony set ready

S: <appealing> No -- Bluebottle, don't do it . Remember me? I'm your old pal Neddie Seagoon? Your friend?? Remember me?

Bb: Yes? My friend -- you are the one who deads me every week, aren't you. Ehhh!! Thinks: I know the very thing for him. Prepares dirty great pile of dreaded dinamite. Ehh! I like this game now, I do -- I like this

S: Bluebottle -- stop!

Bb: There. All is ready for the deading of the traitor Seagoon. Ladies and gentlemen I want you to witness, that, for the first time in the history of the GOon Show Bluebottle will not be deaded. Observe. I light a 100 foot fuse, so. Now all that remains is for me to esacpe. Taxi to the airport!

s/x: Taxi leaving

Bb: Stop! Airplane -- drive me to America

s/x: Plane taking off fast

Bb: Stop! Horse -- drive to the desert

s/x: horse

Bb: Ladies and gentlemen. Observe. I am now 6000 miles away from the dreaded dianamite. Here I am safe in the middle of the

s/x: explosion

Bb: Ehhh!!! You wrotten swines you! Exits left never to play this wrotten game again -- never never -- thinks: all rihgt may be next week. Ohh! Look at my knees -- they've gone.

S: meantime back in the BBC listening room I struggled to free myself before the dinamite exploded.

Bloodnok: Don't worry Seagoon

S: Bloodnok, Eccles

B: Quick, untie him

E: OK -- I had better hurry up before the ....

s/x: explosion

E: That's got his legs free

S: Yes, but where are they??

Voice: Attention! Attention! Face teh TV screens

S: Look -- it's Horrace Mimick

Mimick: Listen, listen! Great news! After a telephone conversation lasting three days, and bribes worth 10 pounds I have gained control of the BBC.

S: Horrah! Freedom at last!

Mi: And here is the first of our new style Indepent Televion Army programs

grams: speed up Goon Show play out

S: No!!!

orches: Theme tune up and under, fading for

Wal: That was the Goon SHow -- a recorded BBC program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Eligton quartet and Max Gelgray. The orchestra was conducted by Bruce Campbell, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton