The Goon Show
Transcribed by Debby Stark (email@example.com)
Well, thats a good answer son. you must be mighty proud of it.
First aired: 30-11-54
Greenslade: This is the BBC.
FX: cash register
Sellers: Last orders, please
Secombe: Mr. Sellers is merely trying to sabotage the highly esteemed Goon Show!
FX: mystic eastern music
Secombe: Wales, glorious Wales! I love whales, but you rarely see them in the fish shoppes these days, do you? [laughs, clears throat] But, to business. Mr. Greenslade, button up your kilt and... and tell the waiting masses what's the play.
Greenslade: Certainly. Ladies and gentlemen
FX: Cash register
Sellers: Last orders, please
Secombe: Sellers, stop that!
Sellers: Sir, which way did it go?
Secombe: I don't wish to know that
Voice: [echoing almost inaudibly] I don't wish to know that
Secombe: I say, look here.
Voice: I say. Remember, this is the highly esteemed Goon Show!
FX: cheers, coronation-type music
Secombe: Stop! Stop!
FX: immediate stop.
Secombe: That may be good enough for other talking wireless shows, but not for us! And therefore... and therefore, let us now hear the usual ovation that greets... The Goon Show!
Secombe: Thank you. Pull up a sock and sit down whilst I unfold a story of
Greenslade: The Booted Gorilla, Part One.
FX: mystery fanfare
Secombe: Africa! The well known piece of land. There in the tree forest where civilization has not touched, there as darkness falls, all one can hear is...
FX: cash register
Sellers: Last orders, please.
Greenslade: Deep in the forest, a safari slowly wans its wee through the donse tinkle.
Major: Ohh! Ohh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Seagoon, the heat.
Seagoon: Yes, it's the heat! Gad, it's hot!
Major: Yes, it... it must be the heat!
Seagoon: Of course, the heat! [laughs]
Major: It's the hottest heat we've ever hocked.
Seagoon: Yes. [coughs] Oh, these jungle roads. Why are they so dusty?
Major: We can't get a cleaner.
Seagoon: Ah, it must be the heat.
Major: The heat, yes. Oh, it's bit of a fag.
Seagoon: What is?
Major: Half a cigarette. Oh, the heat, the heat!
Seagoon: The heat, oh, the heat [etc.]
Max: Look! Here!
Seagoon: The gunbearer pointed a quivering saxophone at the footprints of a gorilla. Suddenly, behind a bush, they had stopped.
Major: Well, most of us stop behind a bush sometime or another...
Seagoon: Yes, but this is different!
Major: Impossible! It must be the heat!
Seagoon: Look, Major, look! Here the gorilla's footprints stop! And then they start again as boot prints!
Major: Boots? A gorilla wearing boots? Well, if this is true, the animal worth a fortune! A circus would give us the earth for it! Even the water!
Seagoon: Then... Then let's catch it!
Major: We will catch it, even if I have to fight it single handed!
Seagoon: Gad, Bloodnok, I admire your guts!
Major: Why, are they showing?
Seagoon: Only when the sun's behind you.
Major: Must be the heat. Now, action stations for Operation Gorilla! First, Seagoon, take a letter. To Bwana Grytpype Thynne, Care of the London Gorilla Collectors Society, Park Lane, Wopping. Dear Schnorrer, I have...
FX: harp music; knock on door
Thynne: Come in.
FX: breaks down door
Seagoon: You know, have you ever had a mad, uncontrollable impulse?
Thynne: You silly, twisted boy, you. Now, give me that ax... There's a good lad. Now pull up a sock and sit down.
Seagoon: Thank you. Is this, ah, the Gorilla Collectors Society?
Thynne: Yes. Your cage is waiting.
Seagoon: I'm not a gorilla, I'm Bwana Seagoon!
Thynne: This takes a bit of swallowing. Perhaps he's mad.
Seagoon: Little does he know I'm as sane as the next fellow!
Eccles: Little does he know that I'm the next fellow!
Seagoon: Who is this ragged Goon?
Thynne: Seagoon? This is Bwana Eccles, the famous specimen.
Seagoon: Specimen of what?
Thynne: We're not quite sure yet.
Seagoon: What's he walking round in bare feet for?
Thynne: Poor fellow was born like it, you know..
Seagoon: How terribly terrible! It must be the heat!
Thynne: Yes, the heat.
Seagoon: [laughs] No! Now to business. [clears throat] I have here a message from Bloodnok in the heart of Africa.
Thynne: Oh, let's have it.
FX: jungle-type drums.
Seagoon: Yours sincerely.
Seagoon: Any reply?
Thynne: Jove, yes! This!
FX: Jazzier drums
Thynne: Signed, yours truly.
Seagoon: What beautiful handwriting!
Thynne: [under audience laughter] delightful
Seagoon: So then, you'll give us a plan to catch this booted gorilla?
Thynne: Yes. Pull up a sock and sit down.
Greenslade: Listeners, does it strike you as at all significant that in a story that concerns a gorilla that wears boots, Eccles is bare footed? Could it be that these clues will bare feet? Sit it over while we hear from that booted mouth organist, Bwana Max Geldray! Yee-akaboo!
Thynne: And now to bizz
Thynne: Now, this is how to catch the gorilla: all you need is a portable, collapsible boot repair shop.
Seagoon: What for?
Thynne: Dear little Camrick man. That gorilla's boots can't last forever. Eventually the soles will wear out and he's bound to look for a boot repairer, get it?
Several: [shout] Good!
Seagoon: Wait! Who's going to serve behind the counter? That gorilla will be ferocious!
Thynne: Hmmm, now who do I know who's a mug?
Eccles: Well, I'd better go upstairs and pack. Oh!
Thynne: Splendid, splendid. Now, Seagoon, you go and find a collapsible boot shop.
Seagoon: I scoured the country for a suitable shop. Then, finally, I found one the right size in a little village in the city of East Coker.
FX: cobbling sound, through following "song"
Henry: [singing] I sit and I cobble from the break of day, cobble all night and cobble
Seagoon: [entering] Good morning, sir!
Henry: all day. Cobble and cobble and I cobble away. I cobble all day.. and night... Good morning. I'm a cobbler, you know?
Seagoon: Really? I could have sworn you were a Nubian chicken sexer.
Henry: There is a resemblance, I must agree. I cobble all day and night, I cobble...
Seagoon: [to audience] Does this wrinkled old cobbler know what he's talking about?
Henry: Yes, he knows what he's talking about.
Seagoon: Good, then I'll talk to him.
Henry: Splendid idea.
Seagoon: [clears throat] Pardon me, sir?
Henry: Yes, sir? You see, he answered you.
Seagoon: So he did, thank you. Sir? There's a sign outside that says this shop is for sale.
Henry: Oh, yes, yes, the proprietor put that up.
Seagoon: Could I speak to him, please?
Henry: Certainly, I'll get--
Seagoon: Wait, wait, before you get him, how much is he asking?
Henry: Well, I, ah...
Seagoon: Come on, now [laughs],
Henry: Oh, well...
Seagoon: here's a fiver. Tell us, how much is he asking?
Henry: Oh... fifty pounds.
Seagoon: Is that all? [laughs] and I was going to offer him 500! I've saved myself 450 pounds!
Seagoon: Well, go and get him.
Henry: I am him.
Henry: The price is 500 pounds.
Seagoon: I say, look here, I, I, I,
Minnie: [enters] Henry? Henry, there's no paper... oh.
Henry: Minnie! This man wants to buy the shop.
Minnie: Well, we're asking 50 pounds for it, Henry, and we'll get it please stick out for it.
Henry: Yes, I'll try and knock him down.
Minnie: Here's the hammer.
Henry: Sir, 500 pounds is too much.
Seagoon: Well, em, 450 pounds then.
Henry: No, no, no.
Seagoon: Hem. I'll go to 200 pounds.
Henry: Ah, well...
Minnie: No, no, no, buddy, you'll have to drop more. Henry and I are very tough customers, buddy.
Henry: Yes, Buddy.
Minnie: Says me, Buddy
Seagoon: Says you, Buddy.
Minnie: Yes, Buddy.
Seagoon: Very well, 100 pounds.
Henry: No, no, no, Buddy, our price is 50 pounds, you pay it or we don't sell, you take your pick.
Seagoon: All right, 50 pounds.
Seagoon: Gad, you Americans drive a hard bargain.
Minnie: We're not Americans.
Seagoon: No? Those elastic-sided boots had me completely fooled.
Minnie: Oh, well, we like the modern style, Buddy, you know?
Seagoon: I'm sure you do, Buddy.
Minnie: Crazy, Buddy, crazy.
Seagoon: Yes, crazy, yes [laughs]. Well, there's your 50 pounds.
FX: coins dropping
Henry: Oh, look, Minnie, it's all in money!
Seagoon: Yes, now, I want you out of here by tomorrow.
Henry: You want us to get out?
Seagoon: Of course.
Henry: But we go with the shop, we're included in the price.
Seagoon: Dear listeners: I realized that Mr. Crun and Ms. Bannister were the very people to serve behind the counter when we erected the shop in Africa... Very well, you shall come with me!
FX: fanfare, to Africa-style music
Greenslade: On the outskirts of the gorilla forest, Bloodnok awaits the return of Seagoon. It's a humid night, and he lays sweating on his charboy.
Major: Oh, oh, this heat! Where's me lime juice?
FX: airplane strafing
Major: Blast those mosquitos! What a nasty place to be bitten! I shall never sleep on me stomach again! Pour me a [barapega in about a baramela?].
FX: pop, pour
Voice: Say when, sir.
Major: Yes, yes. Ellington! Play us a Magyar melody on your electric elephant tusk and lurgie soother!
Musical interlude: "Mr. Sandman"
Seagoon: Bloodnok! Ahoy there!
Major: Seagoon! You're back at last, lad!
Major: You have the collapsible boot shop?
Seagoon: And two collapsible attendants. A Mr. Crun, and, ah... a lady.
Major: A lady? Sog me nurglers! Layout me clean ducks and me dirty chickens!
Seagoon: Major? May I introduce... Ms. Bannister!
Major: Oh, what magical spot do you hail from?
Seagoon: [some Welsh town], why?
Major: I was asking the lady, not you! Naughty man! Now, my dear, dear lady. How delightful to have a member of the opposite sex out here! Oh, what a delightful, ravishing creature you are!
Minnie: [uncertainly] Oh...
Major: Do you really mean that?
Minnie: [uncertain sound]
Major: Is it?
Major: Can it be!
Minnie: Is it.
Major: Yes, it is!
Major: Minnie Bannister, the darling of Roper's Light Horse
Major: and voted Miss Ball Carrier of 1901!
Minnie: Oh, Dennis! [hums] Oh, the vapors!
Minnie: Oh, dear, dear...
Major: I well remember...
Minnie: Dashing Dennis of the Calcutta Mule Followers!
Minnie: Oh, me, back from the dead!
Major: Are you? How long are you staying? Remember that locket of hair you gave me?
Minnie: You still wear it?
Major: Yes, it covers the bald spot on me nut.
Minnie: Oh, Dashing Dennis!
Major: Oh, Minnie, my dear lady!
Major: Oh, remember that last dance we had at the Governor's Ball in Kornpor?
Minnie: Oh, yes! That was the night they played our song.
Major: Our song! Let us sing it again, together!
FX: musical intro with romantic flare
Both: [sing unintelligible something not particularly romantic, but audience recognizes it]
Sellers?: [enters] [Last drink, please?]
All: Yakaboo! [etc]
Sellers or Milligan: You know, I don't know how we get away with it.
FX: Scene-change music, jungle drums
Secombe: Plans were made for the trapping of the gorilla. Special, stout-hearted scouts were sent ahead to track it down...
FX: jungle sounds.
Bluebottle: Do you know something? Oh, I got a [sausage?] But I tell you something: I
do not like this stout-hearted scout part. In the dreaded jungle wearing only short
trousers, harm can come to a growing lad. Thinks: this is not the usual Bluebottle
entrance. Thinks again: I must
Eccles: See here, have you seen any signs of that, of the booted gorilla?
Bluebottle: No, and I do not want to.
Eccles: Oh, it's a good job I ain't wearing boots or sure enough I'd be in that cage by now! [laughs]
Bluebottle: I should have stayed at home by the fire with Ruf-yoles.
Eccles: Oh, who's Ruf-yoles?
Bluebottle: That's my pussy cat!
Eccles: Oh! Oh, what, ah, what do you know? You've got a pussy cat?
Bluebottle: Yes, I have got a pussy cat.
Eccles: Well! I ain't got a pussy cat. But I, but I got a bunny rabbit!
Bluebottle: Oh, I have not got a bunny rabbit.
Eccles: Hey, I got one!
Bluebottle: Have you got a bunny rabbit?
Eccles: Yeah! Yeah, you got one?
Bluebottle: No, I've got a pussy cat.
Eccles: Oh, you've got to [inaudible] I never knew that.
Bluebottle: It is, it's Ruffles.
Eccles: What's - who's that?
Bluebottle: My pussy cat. What have you got?
Eccles: I've got a bunny rabbit, have you?
Bluebottle: No, I've got a pussy cat.
Eccles: What's his name?
Eccles: Who's that?
Bluebottle: My pussy cat.
Eccles: I've got a bunny rabbit.
Both: [continue, inaudible under applause]
Greenslade: Just in case some stupid people didn't understand that conversation, it was briefly that Bluebottle had a bunny rabbit and Eccles had a pussy cat called Ruffles.
Sellers?: I suppose the BBC do know what they're doing...
Greenslade: Of course they do! And so, to the final dramatic scene: the night that the trap for the booted gorilla is laid.
Seagoon: Yes. In a clearing we erected the boot repair shop. Inside were Mr. Crun and Miss Bannister. At midnight the rest of us climbed up to our observation posts in the trees around the boot shop. We were linked by wooden field telephone.
Henry: Mr. Seagoon? The lights are fused in the shop.
Seagoon: I'll have them fixed.
Henry: Oh! Tell me, what is this customer we're expecting? What does he look like?
Seagoon: Well, ah... He'll be wearing a hairy coat, okay?
Henry: Ah, okay.
FX: rings off
Eccles: Yeah, yeah?
Seagoon: Go to the lamp store and take Mr. Crun three two-watt bulbs. Now to phone Bloodnok...
FX: phone rings
Bluebottle: I heard you buzz, my Capitan! I heard you buzz me!
Seagoon: Well, buzz off, I don't want ya!
Bluebottle: Do not be cruel to Bluebottlekins, I was doing a man's hero's job! Makes face with eye and protruding jaw like Anthony Steel but stops as his teeth fall out.
Seagoon: Well, any signs of the gorilla?
Bluebottle: No, it's very dark, but me and Eccles is still watching.
Seagoon: But Eccles is here.
Bluebottle: [gulp; laughs nervously] There?
Bluebottle: Then who's this sitting on the branch next to me? [significant pause] HELP!
Seagoon: Quick! Everyone to the rescue!
Voices: [sing] Give me some men who are stout hearted men-who will fight
Seagoon: Right! Here we are! Bluebottle, you up there!
Bluebottle: Help! I'm trap-ped by the dreaded gorilla. He has pulled off my boot disclosing the ancient secret of the dirty big holes in my socks!
Seagoon: Jump, lad, I'll catch you! The ground will break your fall.
FX: jump, land on Seagoon.
Seagoon: Oh, ah, got ya! Good lad, now, let's brush you down and
Bluebottle: [from the same distance] I say, promise you won't drop me?
Seagoon: Of course not, just wait till I've brushed Bluebottle... [gulps] Bluebottle was up the tree with the gorilla. I just caught something that jumped from the tree. Bluebottle is still up the tree, so the person I'm brushing down...
Seagoon: [whooshes away]
Bluebottle: Here I come, Captain!
FX: jumps, lands
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you! You let me fall to the ground. Points at dirty big lump on crown. See, see, see, see, see, see, see! Picks up loose shins... Oh, you're not my captain.
Bluebottle: [screams, whooshes away]
Seagoon: Help! We're both trapped!
Major: All right, I'm coming, lads, all is well, old Bloodnok will soon fix that naughty thing.
Greenslade: Chapter Eleven.
Major: Help! Save us! Help!
FX: field telephone.
Henry: Mr. Seagoon? I'm speaking from the shop. The gentlemen with the hairy coat is here.
Seagoon: Bloodnok! He's got the gorilla in the shop! [blathers] Mr Crun?
Seagoon: Keep him there!
Henry: Oh, I think he wants to stay.
Henry: He's standing on my head.
Seagoon: Quick! Quick, to the shop!
FX: Whosh, whosh, whoos-whoosh!
Seagoon: [gasping for breath] See anything through the window?
Major: No, the shop's in complete darkness, it must be the heat.
Eccles: Oh, hello, I just brought them lightbulbs for the shop, yep. Oh, yeah.
Seagoon: Oh. [laughs] Well, you'd, you'd better go inside and put them in, hadn't you? [laughs]
Eccles: Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, I'll do that [fades]
Bluebottle: I say, Captain? You weren't half a rotten swine, Captain, sending him in there with that gorilla alone?
Seagoon: Well, you go in with him then.
Bluebottle: I can't.
Seagoon: Why not?
Bluebottle: I'm a rotten swine, too!
FX: door slams.
Seagoon: He's gone in.
FX: extended battle sounds with Eccles crying out; a quiet pause:
Major: Do you think they're fighting in there?
FX: extended battle sounds continue; silence
Major: I think they've stopped.
Seagoon: Well, let's go in. You keep me covered with that blank check.
Seagoon: Good heavens, look! Look! The gorilla, bound, foot and mouth! Who did this?
Minnie: I gave him the old one-two, buddy, yes!
Seagoon: Did you? Well, where's Eccles?
Minnie: The coward ran out after Mr. Crun.
Seagoon: Wait, wait! This isn't the gorilla! This one's got bare feet!
Henry: Help, Minnie! Minnie!
Seagoon: Look, upstairs! The booted gorilla chasing Mr. Crun!
Major: Then who's this poor idiot lying trussed up on the floor?
Eccles: Guess who?
FX: cash register.
Major: Last orders, please.
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry
Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra
was conducted by Wally Stot, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Skys, announcer Wallace
Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.