Series 5, Episode 22, Broadcast 22 February 1955

The Fireball Of Milton Street

Wallace: This is the BBC

Peter: (American cool cat) All right, cats, let's creep

ORCHESTRA: TEA DANCE MUSIC

Harry: Stop! (stops immediatly) Stop this madness! You sinful people! Now
Mr. Greenslade -

Wallace: Sir?

Harry: Unlace that rubber farthing ale, gurd up your poor old loins and give
the listeners the old posh chat there, give them the old posh wireless
talk Wal, go on boy

Wallace: Ladies and gentlemen, a story translated from a yet unwritten story
that was found embedded in an uncooked Russian sock. We
proudly present -

ORCHESTRA: DRUM ROLE OVER SPEECH

Spike: (theatrical) Oooh! "The Fireball of Milton Street", or "What's become
of that crispy bacon we had before the war, ey?" What's become of it?
So brown! So crisp! With that lovely firm layer of white fat. Ooooh!
What's become of it, ey? Answer me! What's become of that crisp
bacon we had before the war? Don't laugh, answer me! What's become -

FX: PISTOL SHOT

ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC

Harry: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known athletic
thespian and actor Sir Jim Nasium

Peter: (another theatrical voice) Yes! In his absence we give you The Fireball
Of Milton Steet

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, ENDING IN LONE HARP

Peter: Mid the rolling hills of Sussex in the county of Somorset lies the little
Kentish village of Milton Street, Pride of Essex. Milton Street, one of
the sonk ports. It was to this little village that a disturbing discovery
was to come

GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE

Eccles: One o'clock! One o'clock on a frosty night! A clear night! A fine night!
Oh, it's good to be alive! One o'clock on a frosty night one - oh!

Henry: Aaaaah!

Eccles: Ooh, hello! Mr. Crun! Where you been at this time of night?

Henry: Mmmmm, I've been for a walk

Eccles: Ooh, I wish I was clever like that

Henry: Well, good night Eccles

Eccles: Good night, good night

GRAMS: SLOW FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH, BELL RINGS ONCE

Eccles: One o'clock -

GRAMS: BELL RINGS AGAIN

Eccles: Two o'clock on a fine night (fades out)

FX: HEAVY CHAINS BEING JANGLED OVER SPEECH

Henry: Now, what have I done with my front-door key? Let me see: trouser
cupboard, wine-cellar, hot-water tap, butter dish, Minnie's Ginger-
Wine-still; Drat it! Every key but the front-door. Oh well

FX: THREE HEAVY THUDS ON THE DOOR

Minnie: (distant) Oooh! We'll all be murdered in our beds! Who's that down
there?

Henry: I've lost my key, Min

Minnie: Oh dear, I'm coming, buddy

FX: FOOTSTEPS DOWN 5 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS

Henry: I can't understand it, we live in a bungalow!

FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED, KEY TURNED, DOOR
OPENS

Minnie, Oh, what's all this, Henry? What is this?

Henry: I can't get in, Min, I've dropped my key out in the dark and I can't see

Minnie: Oh well, come inside in the light and have a look for it

Henry: Thank you, Min

FX: DOOR SHUT

Minnie: Now hurry up, Henry

Henry: I will, I will. Don't go back to bed yet, Min, I'm not in yet

Minnie: Oh dear, hury up, I don't want to stay up all night waiting for you to
come home

Henry: Well don't rush me, Min. As soon as I find the key I'll let myself in

Minnie: Okay

FX: HEAVY CHAIN BEING JANGLED

Henry: Drat it. I can't find it, I can't find the key!

Minnie: Well why don't you knock? I'll let you in

Henry: All right

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED, DOOR SLAMMED, KNOCK ON
DOOR

Minnie: Oh! Who is that?

Henry: (outside) It's me, Minnie, Henry!

Minnie: Henry? Haven't you got a key?

Henry: No

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED

Minnie: Come in, buddy, you're lucky I wasn't in bed, you know?

Henry: Terrible news, Min, terrible! The world is coming to an end!

Minnie: Oh! I'd better go and get the washing in

Henry: Min, this morning I photographed the sun and I discovered it's on fire

Minnie: Oh, the people are careless, Henry

Henry: Yes

FX: KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Henry: Aaaaah!

Neddy: I say, can I come in? I saw light in you window

Henry: Minnie poured it out for me, would you like one?

Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po!

Minnie and Henry: Good!

Minnie: Mr. Seagoon, Henry says that the sun is on fire

Neddy: On fire? (laughs to himself) You were always one for a joke!

Henry: No I'm not, look I took thi phot of the sun's chorono and it's smoking

Neddy: Hmm, Heavens Above! Saints protect us, he's right! Fire! e must tell
the villagers at once. (panic) The suns on fire! The suns on fire!

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK

Omnes: crowd noises

Neddy: Please! Please! Silence! Silence!

Spike: Speak up!

Neddy: Villagers of Milton Street, I'm sorry I had to get you out of your beds.
Mr. Crun, tell them what's happened

Henry: The sun is on fire!

Omnes: calm silence except for on or two "Ohs" and "Ahs"

Neddy: Don't panic! Don't panic! Keep cool and all's well! We'll face it
together, chins up! No cowards! Now remain steady, chaps, and at all
cost don't panic. Remember we're British! All together now
(sings)Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the seas. How can we
exhort thee -

FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

Neddy: Yes?

Grytpype-Thynne: (other end of phone) You silly twisted boy, you

Neddy: I don't wish to know that

FX: PHONE SLAMMED DOWN

Wallace: Oh Mr. Crun, the sun is on fire, you say?

Henry: Yes, yes

Wallace: If that is so the process must have been a ceaseless conceivable
rabbit motion of electrons captured by necleii released at a million
time per sec per sec, the effect being the radiated thermeo-electrons
captured and harnessed as units of liberated sattelite electrons, the
product of which, with the space quotuum of 3.79 plus 10 to the
power of 33 hers per second with a diatherman of 9 7 3 2 5 to the
power of X, is the thallum 3 billion thrice upon 25 billion centigrade

Henry: It's not as simple as that! Oh deary me, no! Now are there any more
questions?

Spike: (theatrical) Yes! What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the
war, ey? What's become of it -

FX: PISTOL SHOT

ORCHESTRA: FUNERAL MARCH MUSIC

Neddy: Any more questions?

Bloodnok: Yes. As Squire of Milton Street, I think that as the sun is on fire
Ned Seagoon should go to London to tell the Queen

Nedddy: To London to tell the Queen? I'd be famous! Right, I'll do it!

Bloodnok: Right, but first, it's a long weary journey to the capital, therefore
how about a silver collection. Come on!

Omnes: voices reluctantly giving money

Bloodnok: Thank you, well done sir. Grand! And you, sir! Excellent!

Minnie: Oooh!

Bloodnok: I'm sorry madam, I beg your pardon. That's it, that's it, the hat's
full! So Ned, there you are, off you go to London

Neddy: Thank you. Farewell!

FX: FOOTSTEPS GRADUALLY GETTING FASTER, FADES AWAY

Bloodnok: Brave lad! Right now, Ellington, help me count the money in this
hat

Ray: Right

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET

FX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS OVER SPEECH

Neddy: Meantime I, Ned Seagoon, was running towards London to tell the Queen the sun was on fire. I reached the river, I jumped - (FX pause, start again) - I reached the other side. I ran towards the second river, I jumped - (FX pause, start again) - and I reached the other side. So then I came to a very wide raging torrent. I ran as fast as I could, I jumped - (FX stop) - Right! Hands up all those who thought I was going to fall in the river.