Series 5, Episode 13, Broadcast 21 December 1954

Forog

Wallace: This is the BBC

Harry: The wretched man was about to refer to the highly ignored Goon Show

GRAMS: HUGE CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Harry: Stop! (GRAMS stop) Greenslade?

Wallace: Sir?

Harry: Leave your toys for a moment, and lets have some words

Wallace: Yes big brother. Ladies and gentlepong this week the Goons present
a science-fiction fantasy play in a cunning attempt to take the place
of the horror comics. This masterpiece of mediocrity is entitled -

ORCHESTRA: HORROR AND SUSPENSE CHORD

Harry: Forog! (inane laughter)

ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER
PIECE

Peter: (low, sinister voice) It was one of those days that follow the night.
London was blanketed by a thick swirling pea-soup fog. All was still
as Ned Seagoon put on his hat and coat

Neddy: Yes, I decided to go out for a breath of fresh air

Spike: Let him go

Neddy: I hadn't realised it was so foggy, but indeed it was so thick that I had
to walk in front of myself with a blazing torch

Eccles: You're not the only one

Neddy: As I walked long a stream of buses and cars followed in my wake.
Strange how men recognise a leader. I hurried them along when
suddenly -

Minnie: Ooooooh no, please! Oooooh no, oooh!

Neddy: I bumped into someone. Are you alright madam?

Minnie: You should know

Neddy: madam, perhaps I can direct you somewhere?

Minnie: I'd better direct you, sir!

Neddy: Me? You direct me? That's rich! Guide a path through London? What
makes you think I'm lost?

Minnie: You're in my kitchen

Neddy: Impossible, by my calculations I've just come up Highgate Hill

Minnie: You've just come up three flights of steps, mister

Neddy: Oh, good heavens! I'm on the third floor! No, it can't be!

Spike: This happened every day in London

ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER
PIECE

Wallace: Young Ned took a taxi to the foot of the stairs and 2 hours later he
was again in the street

Neddy: (coughing) Curse this fog! It's worse than I first thought!

Bluebottle: Enter invisible Bluebottle with bronchitis and smog mask around
both knees to keep leggy-peggies warm! Voila! No audience
applause! That is because of the fog, here I don't - eeeeh!

Neddy: Oh!

Bluebottle: Ee-hee! I have bumped against a sack of something soft

Neddy: Whoever you are, it's me!

Bluebottle: I'm sorry madam, this fog is thicker than it was before, but it's
warmer! Hasn't it got warmer?

Neddy: Will you take your hand out of my pocket?!

Bluebottle: Ee-hee-hee! So that is why it's warmer. Thinks: I must ask mummy
to make me a pocket so I can wear my head in it. Speaks:
Pardon me, can you direct me to the BBC? I'm appearing in the
naughty Coon Show

Neddy: Let me get my bearings, little hair-pinned legs. Now BBC... which way
are you facing?

Bluebottle: I'm facing the BBC

Neddy: Well, straight along

Bluebottle: Thank you nice invisible human. Disappears into murk and fog
singings "Give me some men, who are -

GRAMS: SPLASH OF MAN FALLING IN WATER

Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you. You have directed me into the dreaded
water and I can not see for the fog, so I don't know whether I'm
drowning or not. Shouts "Help" just in case - "Help Just In
Case"! Lights match to see if feet are touching the bottom - no,
but legs are! Tee-Hee! I made a little jokul! Hee-hee-hee!

Neddy: I don't wish to know that. And with that stinging repartee on my lips, I
made my way unwaveringly to my chambers. First left, straight and -
curse that bus! Stop following me, I tell you, I'm going home. I say
driver, stop following me!

Peter: (Jewish) I can't help it, you've got your braces wrapped around the
radiator

Neddy: Bless my soul, you're right. I thought it was warm a-hint of me

Spike: We're not allowed to say "behind"

Neddy: I found it much easier to walk without the bus and was soon at my
front door

FX: SEVERAL RAPID KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPENED

Neddy: My butler let me in which was strange - I hadn't got one!

Peter:(Butler) Yes sir?

Neddy: Oh I'm terribly sorry, I must be in the wrong house

Peter: Good, so long as I'm alright!

Neddy: It's extraordinary but I can't find my way Jack

Peter: Don't worry, you go home and have a good rest

Neddy: Home? That's the trouble, I don't seem to be able to find it

Peter: Good night, sir

Neddy: Yes, but I -

FX: DOOR SLAMMED

Neddy: I recognised the voice- Good Heavens! I must be well out of my way,
I live in Brixton!(shouts) Help! Anyone know where Brixton is?
Heeeelp!

Wallace: The fog lasted 3 days and so great was the turmoil it caused a
special sitting was called in Westminster. Some of the members
were so benigned by the fog that the speaker opened with the
words -

Ray: Gentlemen (FX: HAMMER SLAMMED) Be seated!

Everybody: coughs

Harry: (whiny voice) Is it not time -

Henry: Here here!

Harry: That something definite was done about this fog?

Spike: Yes

Wallace: And on that conclusive word, the debate was about to end when
suddenly a figure walking in front of himself with a burnt-out torch
emerged from under the front bench

Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon (FX: GENTLE CLAPPING) Thank you!
Honourable members, I am an amateur scientist

Spike: What about tea?

Neddy: Thank you, thank you very much. As I was wandering bout in the fog,
I believe I stumbled upon a solution to rid London of this annual
horror

Peter: (politician) Does the honourable member realise that fog is costing us
millions every year?

Spike: Well stop buying it then

Peter: Here here

Spike: Bravo!

Neddy: Gentlemen -

Spike: What about tea?

Neddy: Gentlemen, if it costs the taxpayer so much are you prepared to
sponsor me in an attempt to rid London of fog?

Everyone: Bravo! Here here!

Wallace: So Ned Seagoon by his own initiative and resource, was given the
official title of Fog And Thick Smog Officer- in short: FATSO!

Neddy: In my Liberal sponsored twelve-storey laboratory I carried out my
theory which was heating atomically the belts of cold air rising from
earth's variations in order to warm the atmosphere. (evil laugh) I
called my experiment Hot Air!

Nelson: (Peter / Grytpype-Thynne) I first heard the news of Seagoon's
appointment on December the 3rd. At the time I was quietly
contemplating Admiralty Arch from the top of my 170 foot column -
yes, my name is Nelson.

Spike: How can a statue receive news?

Nelson: By pigeon

ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK

Wallace: Why is the statue of Nelson interested in Ned Seagoon's
experiments? And will Ned succeed? Don't forget to order your
next instalment of Forog - complete with a large coloured portrait
of Big Wall Greenslade.

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA

Wallace: I apologise to listeners who received their pictures on our Elephant
and Castle transmitter for the fact that Max Geldray was blotted
out at the end by a bout of thick fog.

ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER
PIECE

Neddy: I was in my laboratory at the time, and as I looked out of the
government-sponsored window I saw the dirty yellow fog and vowed
to abolish it for good and all

FX: THREE RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Neddy: Come in!

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS

Nelson: Good day, sir, are you Ned Seagoon?

Neddy: I have that good fortune. I looked at my visitor, he was dressed in a
grey-stone navy uniform. He was well over 10 feet which gave him
the appearance of being tall

Nelson: You may call me Nelson

Neddy: I'm pleased to - gulp - Nelson?

Nelson: Yes, the statue of Horatio Nelson. You don't believe it, do you?

Neddy: Yes - I mean no - I mean well - Garcon!

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS

Eccles: Hello! Oh, hello Nelson!

Neddy: Eccles I've just seen - you can see him too?

Eccles: Yeah, I don't blame him coming off that column in this weather

Neddy: But you can't possibly talk to stone, you must be out of your mind!

Eccles: What's your excuse?

Nelson: Enough. Now listen to me, Seagoon, stop experimenting with fog!

Neddy: I'm trying to get rid of it

Nelson: Precisely, but we statues, we must have fog

Eccles: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po

Nelson and Neddy: Good!

Nelson: Now, when the weather is really foggy, you see, it is the only chance
we statues have to move around and see the sights

Neddy: I see, I see. So really you want me to forget my fog experiments so
that you can go gallivanting at random

Nelson: Precisely

Neddy: No! I won't do it, I tell you! I won't do it! I won't I won't! I'll clear the
fog if it's the last thing I do

Nelson: That may very well be so

Neddy: Eccles, tell me it was all a dream. It was all a dream, wasn't it?

Eccles: Ooooh!

Neddy: What's that you've got?

Eccles: This came off Nelson

Neddy: It's a stone chip

Eccles: He must have been having a stone supper! Ho ho!

Neddy: It's not true! (getting hysterical) It's not true I tell you! It's not true!

ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK

Nelson: Pssst! Achilles, dear chap

Harry: (Achilles, Northern accent) Is that you, Nelson?

Nelson: Who else? Seagoon refused to drop his fog experiments, pass it on
around

Harry: That I will, that. Help me down, hmmmph

Nelson: Take it easy

ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER
PIECE

Harry: Pssst! Eros! I say, Eros!

Bluebottle: Hee-hee! Who is that tapping my little left footie?

Harry: I bear the name of Achilles. Now listen -

Bluebottle: Yes I am listening. Could you get down? I've got a date in
Piccadilly 'cause I'm meeting Peter Pan

Harry: I have a message. Seagoon is going to do away with fog

Bluebottle: Oh, the naughty mortal!

Harry: Now with all haste, pass this message on

Bluebottle: I will do this. Steps down off pedestal

GRAMS: SPLASH!

Bluebottle: Rotten little fountain! I'm always getting wetted. Exits left to pass
on the dreaded news. Thinks: it is nice to put my leg down for a
bit, though

ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER
PIECE

Wallace: Then the fog gradually started to lift and the statues hurried back to
their pedestals and conks

GRAMS: LION ROARS

Nelson: Alright lads, it's only me

Wallace: And the news being passed round had reached the statue of William
Hewitt Gladstone

Henry: (Gladstone) Must pass this unfortunate news on to Boedicia. Boedicia!

Minnie: (Boedicia) Who is it?

Henry: It's me, Boedi, it's Gladstone. I have some bad news for you

Minnie: It's not another student strike is it? After that thing they put on my
head last year!

Henry: It's worse than that

Minnie: It couldn't be

Henry: Ned Seagoon is going to do away with the fog

Minnie: Oh the naughty man, he's naughty!

Henry: Yes, but if there's no fog we won't be able to see each other again'

Minnie: Well we never see each other in this fog anyway

Henry: But I'd never be able to come over here and not see you!

Minnie: Oh dear, dear Gladstone!

Henry: Yes Boedi Wodi

Minnie: Ah, the fog is lifting! Oooh!

Henry: You're right! Mercy save us! How am I going to get back?

Minnie: I could run you round in the old chariot, buddy

Henry: It's no good, you've got no reflectors on it, Min

Minnie: You coward Gladstone, there's a mortal coming!

Wallace: Yes, it was me, but I didn't notice anything as I was reading the
Radio Time

Spike: How many of you recognised that for the next 3 days Gladstone was
holding the reigns of Boedicia's chariot, ey? You must notice these
things, you know!?

ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK

Neddy: But, Major Bloodnok, it's true I tell you, I saw Nelson with my own
eyes. He came to me at my government sponsored laboratory. I
demand military protection. If all these statues gang up on me I'm
finished!

Bloodnok: Now stop stroking me potties and let's get this down . Now then -

Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon

Bloodnok: I got that. now, did any other responsible person see the statue

Eccles: Oh yeah, I did

Bloodnok: No other responsible person

Neddy: You must believe me, Major!

Bloodnok: Sit down lad and have some more gin

Neddy: I've never drunk gin in my life

Bloodnok: Well sit down and have some more of whatever you've had too
much of

Neddy: You must give me military protection

Bloodnok: Come now, supposing I ordered the soldiers to watch Nelson to see
if he moved, I mean I'd soon get my ticket wouldn't I, ey?

Neddy: I'd give you a job as personal bodyguard. 10 pounds a week and all
found

Bloodnok: Corporal Gladys!

Ray: Yeah?

Bloodnok: Put Nelson under close arrest

Wallace: Two days later for again envelopes the south of England, but this
time there was a quadrant of Scotch guards surrounding the place
of Nelson's Column. Anyone over ten feet was challenged

Spike: Nobody noticed Nelson going through on his knees

Neddy: Nobody noticed Nelson going through on his knees, ey? Well! Bully
for Nelson. I was in my government-sponsored offices at the time. In
a few days my experiment would be tested, then gone will be fog and
the statues will not be able to harm me


ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER
PIECE

Neddy: You!

Nelson: Yes Neddy, you are determined to go through with it I see

Neddy: Yes, and I told the war office about you, so there! And they believed
me

Nelson: Did they really?

Neddy: Yes, I mean they are protecting me! I'm government-sponsored

Nelson: You silly twisted boy, you

Neddy: Quick Eccles, get him (struggling noises)

Eccles: Okay I go him (struggling noises)

Neddy: There!

Nelson: now what have you accomplished?

Neddy: I had some stone handcuffs specially prepared and now you are my
prisoner. I'm going to take you along to the War Office and prove that
you're true (evil laugh) Eccles, open the door (Evil laugh)

Eccles: Okay

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS

Neddy: (Evil laugh) Come on, you wretched! Come on!

Nelson: Poor misguided boy

FX: DOOR SHUTS

Eccles: I don't want to worry Neddy, but I can't see who he keeps talking to

ORCHESTRA: SINISTER CHORD

Wallace: Yesterday a young government-sponsored scientist was helped down
Nelson's Column where he had handcuffed himself to the statue of
Nelson. In warning him the magistrate said there was too much of
this stuff going on. However, as this was Seagoon's first offence he
was sentenced to 3 minutes of Ray Ellington

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET

Neddy: Success! Eccles, I've done it, at last! My experiment went off
beautifully. The fog disappeared like magic never to return. Ha Ha,
no more Fog Eccles! Just think of it, they'll make me Lord Seagoon
and you'll be Lady Eccles. Wonderful day, wonderful day!

GRAMS: BELLS RINGING AND CHEERS (MUFFLED) OVER
SPEECH

Neddy: And listen to the bells, Eccles! This is Seagoon's Day! Look at the
crowd, look t them! Open the window. come on open the window and
let them see me

FX: WINDOW OPENED

GRAMS: BELLS AND CHEERS LOUDER OVER SPEECH

Neddy: Thank you, thank you! Ha ha, thank you all! Oh no no no, it was
nothing!

GRAMS STOP

Eccles: I don't want to say anything, but the streets are deserted

ORCHESTRA: SINISTER LINK

Wallace: Seagoon bathed in the limelight of public acclaim as the cleanser of
London. It was indeed a pleasure to sit in London's parks and read a
copy of the Radio Times. This pleasure was available to all for 3
whole days, then -

ORCHESTRA: CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER
PIECE

Neddy: Just think, Eccles, in this very government-sponsored laboratory our
triumph was achieved! Hee hee! By Jove, it's getting dark early it's
only 2 o'clock

Eccles: Yeah, if I wasn't with you I'd say it was fog

Neddy: Fog! Well it can't be, it can't be, it can't be!

Eccles: Oh it's somebody smoking, that's it

Neddy: Where are my notes?

Eccles: They've gone, Major Bloodnok took them

Neddy: Took them where?

Eccles: He left London airport a week ago with them

Neddy: I don't like that, Eccles, I mean I smell a rat!

Eccles: I don't want to worry Neddy but I can't smell anything

Neddy: I want you to get a sample of that fog

Eccles: Oh yeah, I got a bucket, hold on

Neddy: Open the window you idiot

FX: WINDOW OPENED

Eccles: coughing

Neddy: I've got some! Close the window

FX: WINDOW SHUT

Wallace: While Ned Seagoon is analysing the fog 2 4 6 8 - Who do we
appreciate? Greenslade! And now for our chapter 8, the awakening

Neddy: I've got it, Eccles! By Jove now it all fits in! This isn't fog, neither is it
smog, this is forog!

Eccles: Ooooh!

Neddy: Yes, foreign fog, you see? Hee hee hee, it's been manufactured abroad
and shipped here

Eccles: I wonder how much duty there is to pay

Neddy: Serious Eccles, serious! major Bloodnok has obviously sold my notes
to Nelson. I must get to the House of Commons with the news

ORCHESTRA: RAPID LINK

Neddy: Honourable members! I have grave news concerning our beloved
London!

Spike: Speak up lad, let's have it now

Everyone: Here here

Neddy: It is not fog enveloping us, but nay, nay, it is forog, a kind of fog
manufactured in foreign parts

Everyone: Rubbish! Rubbish!

Neddy: Please, please. If fog is being manufactured by the statues of London -

Spike: It's a trick to get more -

Neddy: No! Major Bloodnok in the War office has sold the entire -

Everyone: shouts overpowering Neddy

ORCHESTRA: MYSTIC HARP LINK

Peter: (German scientist) Now Seagoon, lad, have you placed all the bricks in
the right holes and the right squares?

Neddy: Stop all this nonsense, I can't understand you all, I demand to see the
authorities

Peter: Of course you will be able to see them in a short while, they are
collecting evidence at the moment

Neddy: I don't understand what this is all about

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS

Peter: Ah good morning Dr. Moriarty

Moriarty: And good morning to you, Dr. Heidel-Bugger, and this is little Ned
Seagoon is it?

Neddy: Doctor, have they examined the forog?

Moriarty: They have, it's turned out to be fog

Neddy: It's not, I tell you, it's forog!

Moriarty: Yes yes yes, take it easy now

Neddy: Did you find Major Bloodnok?

Moriarty: Yes we have checked with the War Office records and found there
is no such man in existence

Neddy: What? But go to my government-sponsored laboratory and you'll see
his name in the visitors book

Moriarty: Yes we checked with that address you gave us but there i no
laboratory there, it is an old bomb-sight

Neddy: Gulp! But honestly, there is a laboratory, there must be a laboratory!
As true as my name is Ned Seagoon!

Moriarty: Ah, that's another point. There is no such person as Ned Seagoon

ORCHESTRA: END THEME TUNE

Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally
Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace
Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton

ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY OUT