From Sun Oct 16 00:52:17 1994
Xref: a2i
From: (Paul S. Winalski)
Subject: Goon Show Script: Series 2 Number 1 (with Bentine)
Date: 16 Oct 1994 03:05:26 GMT
Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation, Nashua NH
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Distribution: world
Message-ID: <37q59m$>
Reply-To: (Paul S. Winalski)
X-Newsreader: mxrn 6.18-22

Here's a transcript of the first of the two Goon Shows I have with Bentine in
them. Apologies for any errors. My Hern ears have trouble with some of the
Goon funny voices at the best of times, and the recording isn't in very good
condition to start with.

Corrections/comments gratefuly accepted.


The Goon Show, Series 2 Number 1

Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Michael Bentine, Ray Ellington, the Ray
Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, the Stargazers, the BBC Dance Orchestra
conducted by Stanley Black, announcer Andrew Timothy.

Script: Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens

Peter Sellers plays: Scottish inspector, Scottish MP, Welsh MP, Disraeli,
Faroukh, DeBishops, Flowerdew, American announcer, Mrs. Dale, Major Denis

Harry Secombe plays: himself, Frank Boggs, American announcer, advertising
agent, Guard

Michael Bentine plays: Lo-Hing Ding, Captain Osric Pureheart, Jim Dale, Dr.

Spike Milligan plays: himself, Prime Minister, American announcer, advertising
agent, Abdul

Ray Ellington plays: Ellington the butler

[first part of sketch missing]

Secombe: There!

Scottish Inspector (Sellers): You fool, you've wiped all the dust and
fingerprints off. Why?

Secombe: I'm house-proud, that's all. Ooh, [unintelligible] hmmm...
Inspector, this is obviously the work of that sinister criminal,
Lo-Hing Ding.

Inspector: Let's try this door here.

Lo-Hing Ding (Bentine): (unintelligible Chinese rantings)

Secombe: Inspector?

Inspector: Yes?

Secombe: This man is Chinese.

Inspector: How do you know?

Secombe: You can tell by his eyes.

Inapector: His eyes?

Secombe: Yes. Didn't you hear the way he pronounced them? But don't
worry, Inspector, I speak the language. (babbles in Chinese)

Lo-Hing: (babbles back)

Secombe: Alright, then, Friday. And don't forget to starch the collars.

Inspector: Wait a minute, Mr. Secombe, this man is a murderer, Lo-Hing,
eh, Ding.

Secombe: You'll hing, for this, Lo-Hang. Now, you can't get away with
this. I'll get you as sure as... aah! ooh!... as sure as... aah! ooh!
... as sure as aah! ooh! ooh!... as sure as I'm tied to this barrel of
gunpowder. Oh, well, that's show business for you.

Inspector: Secombe, look out. He's lighting a fuse. He's going to blow
us up.

Secombe: What? Lo-Hing, how long does this fuse take to burn? Tell me,
man, quickly, how long?

Lo-Hing: Slixty sleconds.

Secombe: Sixty seconds? Thank heavens for that. Then I've just got

Inspector: What for?
Secombe: For one chorus of...

[Secombe sings "Longing for you"]

[FX: explosion]

Andrew Timothy: That was Harry Secombe.

[Orchestra: fanfare]

Timothy: Yes, it's the Stargazers.

[Stargazers sing "I Never Was Loved by Anyone Else Until I Was Loved by You"]

Timothy: Triumphs of Engineering. Our next item concerns itself with
the building of the Suez Canal. So let's clear the stage for Michael
Bentine, the creator of Britain's leading scientist and engineer, the
inventor of the bald toupee, the stringless violin for non-playing
violinists, Captain Osric Pureheart.

[Orchestra: fanfare]

Osric Pureheart (Bentine): Ah, good evening!

Milligan: A good evening, captain, glad to have you with us again.

Pureheart: Glad to have me with you, yes.

Milligan: Tell me, captain, is it true that you built the Suez Canal?

Pureheart: Oh, yes, Mr. Milligan, yes, oh yes. I built it. It took me a
long, long, time, though. First I had to get some permissions from

Milligan: But Cleopatra's been dead for 2000 years.

Pureheart: I told you, it took me a long, long time.

Milligan: Yes, I'm not doubting you, captain, but for the benefit of the
listeners, let's hear how you built the Suez Canal.

Pureheart: Ahhh... How you built the Suez Canal.

Milligan: No, no, no. You.

Pureheart: Oh, ME. Oh, well, now, it all started many, many years ago in
the Houses of Parliament where I was making my maiden speech to the

Pureheart: Ahem. And so, gentlemen, you see that all our ships have to
sail right 'round Africa to get to India.

MP (Sellers, Scottish voice): But, canna they travel over land?

Pureheart: We tried that, but it ruins the bottoms of the ships.

MP: You mean, you've been dragging ships overland?

Pureheart: Oh, yes, yes. I was on one recently, and as we were dragging
it across the Sahara Desert, it fell to bits.

MP: But wasn't that dangerous?

Pureheart: Of course it was. But we managed to escape.

MP: How?

Pureheart: In a lifeboat.

MP: Lifeboats!

Pureheart: Well, I mean, we couldn't swim.

MP: Swim! But, but, you were in the Sahara.

Pureheart: I know. Who ever heard of anyone trying to swim in the Sahara?

MP: Touche. That's all very well, but have any honourable members got any
ideas for our new route?

Pureheart: Don't worry about that. I have. You know that Africa and
Asia are joined by a narrow strip of land?

PM (Milligan, Eccles voice): Duuuh... Are they?

Pureheart: Yes, Mr. Prime Minister.

PM: Oooh.

Pureheart: Now, it is my intention to cut a canal right across that strip
of land.

MP 2 (Milligan, Welsh voice): Oh. Cut Africa from Asia? But if you do that
Africa will float away.

Pureheart: (laughs) Africa float away? (laughs) You silly man, of course...
(pauses) I never thought of that.

MP 2: Oh, well, what are you going to do?

Pureheart: I'll nail it down with carpet tacks.

MP 2: Oooh. You're cleverer than I am. Come to think of it, anybody is.

Pureheart: Well, gentlemen, I shall call this canal the Suez. And, Mr.
Chancellor of the Exchequer?

Disraeli (Sellers, Lew voice): Yes?

Pureheart: You are going to pay for the Suez.

Disraeli: Who is?

Pureheart: You is.

Disraeli: Alright. Frank?

Frank Boggs (Secombe): Yes, Mr. Desraili? Get the logging.

[Orchestra: music link]

Timothy: A few months later, Pureheart arrived in Egypt, set up camp,
and work began on the Canal. Of course, there were certain obstacles
to be overcome.

[FX: door knocking, knob turning, door opening]

Faroukh (Sellers, Jewish voice): What do you want, (unintelligible)?

Pureheart: Sholom alaichim, Mr. Faroukh. I am building a canal, and I'm
afraid it's going to run right through your house.

Faroukh: What? Do me a favour, yokky boy. You think I'm going to run
downstairs and open the front door every time a ship wants to go

Pureheart: Well, of course. You silly old thing, you don't have to do
that, now, you can leave the key under the mat. Hmm... no

Secombe: [unintelligible] captain just turned a deaf ear.

Pureheart: Well, it so happens I do have a deaf ear.

Secombe: Really?

Pureheart: I found it on the floor of a barber shop in Acton.

DeBishops (Sellers): Excuse me, captain.

Pureheart: Yes Mr. DeBishops [??]?

DeBishops: One of the workmen has just dug this out of the ground.

Pureheart: Ah. Let me see. Oh! Great Scott! Most valuable. It's an
ancient Egyptian urn. Ooh, and look, there's an old manuscript tucked
into the neck.

Secombe: What does it say, captain?

Pureheart: In ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, it says, "plars liv du acta

Secombe: And what's that mean?

Pureheart: "Please leave two extra pints. Now let's proceed to the work.
We've very nearly finished. Where is my super-speed Bentine excavator?

Flowerdew (Sellers): Yes, oh genius.

Pureheart: Bring me... I say, Flowerdew, you're looking very, very young
today. You never seem to get any older.

Flowerdew: Well, captain, you know what they say. A thing of beauty is a
boy forever.

Pureheart: Yes. Well, get my super-speed excavator ready, will you?

Flowerdew: Yes.

Pureheart: Now, gentlemen, this new excavator of mine will move thirty
tons of earth in exactly one minute.

Secombe: That's impossible!

Pureheart: That's impossible... No, no, look I'll prove it. I'll time it
for you to the very very exact second with my wristwatch. Ready...
(inhales) Go!

[FX: oil can, gradually speeding up to rattling, followed by alarm clock
ringing, then pluck of guitar string]

Milligan: You know, captain, that's possibly the strangest sounding
excavator I've ever heard.

Pureheart: Excavator? That was my wristwatch.

Sellers: Captain, this telegram's just arrived from Mr. Detroit.

Pureheart: Well, let me see. (gasps) What? Oh, no! Oh, me scotches!
Ruination! All my work, ruined! I resign!

Sellers: Why, captain?

Pureheart: After all that digging, do you know what they want to do with
my beautiful canal?

Sellers: What?

Pureheart: Fill it with water!

[Orchestra: music link, followed by Max Geldray]

Timothy: That was Max Geldray, Holland's gift to British radio. In
return, we're sending Sandy McPherson. Revenge is sweet. The BBC has
presented many radio scrapbooks of years gone by, and innumerable
recordings of our old historic broadcasts. But what of the future?
The Goons have decided to look forward some 40 years or so and present
a glimpse of broadcasting in the year 1999.

[Orchestra: music link]

Sellers: This is the BBC Home Service, here is the news, and this is
citizen 7638/J reading it. Conservative and Socialist MPs made
farewell speeches at Southampton docks today when Mr. Jack Fields, the
last British Liberal, was deported in chains.

Secombe: Now for sports. An announcement from the Silverstone racetrack
states that Mr. Charles Moss, great-great-grandson of Mr. Stirling Moss,
is hopeful of a British victory this afternoon, if only the BRM will

Milligan: The BBC Debating Society, which was founded in 1952, over 40
years ago, met last night for its usual weekly debate. The subject
under discussion was, should Ted Gray retire?

Secombe: Last night, radio's top quizmaster, Stuart McGaiman [??] was
warned for the 38,000th time about being rude on television by the
BBC's new Director General, Sir Gilbert Harding.

Timothy: So much for the news in 1999. But what of other programmes?
With trans-Atlantic influence even stronger than it is now, in 40
years time, will our progammes sound something like this?

[Orchestra: Hollywood-type fanfare]

Secombe: This is the ACBBC, the American-Controlled British Broadcasting

[Orchestra: music link incorporating "There'll Always Be an England" and
"Yankee Doodle"]

Secombe (Hollywood voice): We present that dynamic drama...

[Orchestra: dramatic chord]

Secombe: ...breathtaking epic...

[Orchestra: higher chord]

Secombe: ...that vital, heart-rending story...

[Orchestra: yet higher chord]

Secombe: ...that soul-searing saga of human emotion...

[FX: moans and groans, followed by gunshot exchange and scream]

Sellers: Mrs. Dale's Diary.

[Orchestra: harp chords, ala Mrs. Dale's Diary]

Mrs. Dale (Sellers): I'm worried about my husband, Jim. This morning at
breakfast I was covering my toast with a 16th layer of Sludge, that
vitamin spread with the extra rich, golden flavour, when looking up, I
noticed Jim. I wasn't sure it was Jim, he looked so different.

Secombe (American advertising accent): And why does he look so different?
Because Jim that morning had shaved with his new Bono-Hagenbecker [??]
hydrostatic electric razor. The razor with the power-lock,
safety-precision angle...

Mrs. Dale: Yes, I hardly recognised him, his face was so covered with
blood. But worse still, I noticed something that chilled my veins
with horror... he hadn't drunk his Super-Milk!

Milligan: You may laugh, ladies and gentlemen. You may not think it
important, but let us bring you the case of a man who had never heard
of... Super-Milk!

Fred Bogg (Secombe): Yes, my name is Fred Bogg. I was an office clerk, but I
never got promotion because I was always all tired and listless during
the day. Finally, I decided to see a doctor.

Dr. Cameron (Bentine): ...and you say that you're tired and listless during
the day. Do you ever suffer from insomnia?

Bogg: Oh, no, it's just that I cannot sleep.

Dr. Cameron: What you need is Super-Milk.

Bogg: So every night I prepared a steaming hot cup of Super-Milk. There was
only one trouble.

Milligan: And what was that?

Bogg: I couldn't drink the filthy stuff.

Milligan: And so Fred Bogg got the sack and took a job as a

Bogg: Yes. I always wanted to be a billiard-marker, so now I'm quite happy.

Milligan (sotto voce): Thinks to himself...

Bogg: Thanks to Super-Milk.

Mrs. Dale: Well, you can see why I was worried. There was I, sitting
down to breakfast every morning with Jim and fourteen advertising
agents. For instance...

[Orchestra: harp chord music link]

Jim Dale (Bentine): Dear?

Mrs. Dale: Yes, Jim?

Jim: Could I have another slice of bread-and-butter?

Advertising Agent 1 (Milligan, American voice): Bread-and-butter? Come now,
Mr. D. You mean Lurgi Loaf, the whole-meal vitamin loaf. Eat Lurgi
Loaf and you will never grow another leg.

Advertising Agent 2 (Secombe, American voice): Yes, and open it all with some
Crunge, the luminous paint-resistant butter, the only butter that will
take away the taste of the filthy Lurgi Loaf.

Agent 1: Filthy Lurgi Loaf?? Why, I have a good mind to knock you down
with this jar of Slow-Mo Marmalade, available in the two-ton economy
size, at all grocers.

Agent 2: What? I'll straight-arm you with this strand of chocolate
spaghetti, three shillings a pound, just pop in boiling water and buy
your lips a single! [??]

Agent 1: You'll suffer through it.

Agent 2: Why you filthy...

[Two agents start shouting and fighting. Fight ends with two gunshots.
Agents gasp in agony and die.]

Jim: Dear?

Mrs. Dale: Yes, Jim?

Jim: Could I have that slice of bread-and-butter now?

Mrs. Dale: Of course, Jim.

Jim: It was you who shot them, wasn't it, dear?

Mrs. Dale: Yes, Jim. I shot them with my Jones and Schlessinger .32 handy
pocket-sized automatic double-shot action pistol. Also available in
large economy sizes at all...

Jim: (interrupts) Shut up.

Mrs. Dale: ...and what better to go with it than Zingo bullets, the only
bullets that...

Jim: (interrupts) Shut up!

Mrs. Dale: ...use Zingo bullets and you'll never...

Jim: (interrupts) SHUT UP!!

[Jim and Mrs. Dale argue simultaneously, followed by FX of four gunshots]

Milligan: Thanks to Super-Milk!

[Orchestra: music link based on "There'll Always Be an England" and
"Yankee Doodle"]

Timothy: And now we present Ray Ellington and his Quartet.

[Orchestra: music link, last phrase of "We'll Keep a Welcome in the Hillside"]

Ellington: (sings) ...I'll be coming back to...

[Ray Ellington Quartet plays "Why Did My Heart Go Boom?']

Timothy: We resume the first of our new series with an adventure of
that extraordinary creation of Peter Sellers, Major Bloodnok, in the
Quest for the Abonimable Snowman.

[Orchestra: Bloodnok theme]

Major Bloodnok (Sellers): Yes. My name is Bloodnok, Major Bloodnok, late of
the First Knitted Cummerbunds. We were at Balaclava, you know, yes.
I have a fine military record, Colonel Bogey on one side, and Stars and
Stripes on the other. At the time when the story starts, I had a nice
little house on Clapham Common. One day my batman Abdul Milligan
rushed into my study in a state of great excitement.

[FX: door opening]

Abdul (Milligan): Major Bloodnok! Major, sir! Major Bloodnok!

[FX: door opening, footsteps]

Abdul: Major Bloodnok! Major, sir!

[FX: door closing]

Abdul: Major Bloodnok!

[FX: door closing]

Abdul: Major, sir! Sir! Major Bloodnok! Major Bloodnok! Major Bloodnok!
(fades into distance)

Bloodnok: Yes, I was out. However, Abdul knew that when I wasn't at
home, he could always find me at one of my old haunts, and sure enough,
he did.

Abdul: Ah, Major Bloodnok, sir, long rule Brittania, [???], hooray!

Bloodnok: Hello, Abdul. What is it?

Abdul: Letter for you, sir.

Bloodnok: Letter? Let's see.

Guard (Seacombe): Here, stop that! Visitors ain't allowed to pass objects to
the prisoners.

Timothy: Yes, Bloodnok was in jail. The news that he'd been sentenced
to six months hard made me very sad. I had hoped he'd get life. On
his release he was welcomed home by his faithful butler, Ellington.

[FX: door opening]

Ellington: Oh, blimey! You again? Come in, major. Sit down.

Bloodnok: Why, thank you. That's better. Aaah. Now, take my boots off,
will you?

Ellington: Yes, major. Uhhh... that's one. Uhhh... and that's the other.

Bloodnok: Thank you. Now don't let me catch you wearing my boots again.
Good. Abdul, now where's the letter you had for me?

Abdul: Here you are, sir.

Bloodnok: Well. Now what does it say here? "Dear Major Bloodnok, we
would like you to take charge of the new weather stations on Mount
Everest. We realise that you have no meteorological experience, but
in these troubled times, we believe you are the ideal type of
Englishman to be sent abroad." Hmm... ooh... "Yours sincerely, the
Metropolitan Police." Ooh. Mount Everest? Where's that?

Ellington: Ah, that's India.

Bloodnok: Is it, dear?

Ellington: Yes, dear.

Bloodnok: Oh. Talking about India, let's look at the map. By Jove,
you're right.

Ellington: What, sir?

Bloodnok: There is a place called India. Forward!

[Orchestra: Bloodnok theme]

Timothy: A few months later found the major and his team of incompetants
in a little weather station on the slopes of Mount Everest.

[FX: cold wind]

Bloodnok: Ooh. Brrr. Let's check the instruments. How's the wind gauge

Secombe: Perfectly, sir.

Bloodnok: Is the barometer OK?

Secombe: Yes, sir.

Bloodnok: How's the weathercock?

Secombe: Pretty cold, mate.

Bloodnok: Splendid. Now, Captain Pureheart?

Pureheart (Bentine): Ah, yes?

Bloodnok: Climb down to the base camp at the bottom of the mountain and
see if they've got any supplies in.

Pureheart: Right, sir.

[FX: door opening and closing, wind in background]

[Orchestra: music link]

Pureheart: Any supplies down there?

Secombe: Aye, that there are.

[Orchestra: music link]

[FX: door opening and closing, wind in background]

Bloodnok: Well, did they have any supplies?

Pureheart: Yes.

Bloodnok: Oh, well, see if they've got any milk, would you?

Pureheart: Right, sir.

[FX: door opening and closing, wind in background. Orchestra: same music link,
a bit slower]

Pureheart: Any milk?

Secombe: Yes.

Pureheart: Thank you.

[Orchestra: music link, followed by FX: door opening and closing, wind in

Bloodnok: Well?

Pureheart: Yes.

Bloodnok: Oh. Well, ask them if I can have any.

Pureheart: (gasps) Right, sir.

[FX: door opening and closing with wind in background; Orchestra: same music
link, slower]

Pureheart: Well, can we have any?

Secombe: No.

[Orchestra: music link, much slower; FX: door opening and closing with wind]

Bloodnok: Pureheart! What is all that noise?

Pureheart: (gasping for breath) It's not me, sir, it's that blasted
orchestra that keeps following me.

Ellington: Major Bloodnok! Major Bloodnok!

Bloodnok: Oh, Ellington. What is it? You look beige with fright.

Ellington: Well, there's a Beduin [??] porter saying there's a huge hairy
monster that roams the camp at night.

Bloodnok: Gentlemen, I can't keep the truth from you any longer. That
is the Abominable Snowman.

Pureheart: The Abominable Snowman? But the Tibetans call him the

Bloodnok: And what does that mean?

Pureheart: The Abominable Snowman.

Abdul: Sahib, sahib, the porters tell me they've seen him.

Bloodnok: Seen who?

Abdul: The Abdominal Snowman. He's twelve miles from here, on the other side
of the mountain, hooray!

Bloodnok: Splendid! Now, who'll go and capture him, eh? Well,
Ellington? Secombe? Milligan? Bentine? Come, all of you, he's only
twelve miles away. Are you coming or aren't you? Alright, you lousy
yellow-livered cowards, I'll go myself. Give me my gun! Twelve miles,
eh! Ha, ha! Goodbye, you cowards.

[FX: door closing, followed immediately by door opening]

Bloodnok: He got away, but I'll get him tomorrow.

[Orchestra: music link]

Timothy: And got him they did. They nailed the Abonimable Snowman in a
specially-constructed box and flew it back to London. There, before a
distinguished gathering of anthropologists, zoologists, and Mrs.
Braddock, Bloodnok opened the box.

[FX: polite applause]

Bloodnok: Thank you, gentlemen, thank you. And now, gentlemen, comes my
proudest moment. I shall open the box and show you the result of
three years of research and hardship in the frozen Himalayas. The
first of its species ever to be brought back alive. The Abonimable

[FX: box being opened]

Bloodnok: There. And here, ladies and gentlemen, we have the... ooh...

Secombe: What is it, major?

Bloodnok: (crying) The Abominable Snowman...

Secombe: What's happened?

Bloodnok: He's melted!

[Orchestra: Bloodnok theme, followed by closing theme]

Timothy: You've been listening to the Goon Show, a recorded programme
featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Michael Bentine, and Spike
Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray, and the
Stargazers. The BBC Dance Orchestra was conducted by Stanley Black.
The script was written by Spike Milligan and Larry Stevens and edited
by Jimmy Grafton. The programme was produced by Dennis Main Wilson.

Announcer: Harry Secombe is now appearing in "Jack and the Beanstalk" at
the Lyceum Theatre, Sheffield.