The following transcript was made by Debby Stark ( [as of Oct, 1994]), with
fixed adobe abode in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Corrections and particularly additions of new
material will be welcomed. Errors made in transcription are probably the fault of the transcriber
but may also be due to the quality of the tape.

note: some notes are found in []. If word/phrase not understood it may be designated [?] or
surrounded by brackets with a "?".


The [Great] String Robberies
First Air: 13-1-58
Script by Spike Milligan and George Chisholm

Greenslade: Good evening. By the power of electricity and microphone placed in the proximity
of the protagonists, we present an all-wireless show with a brandy base.
FX: dated music
Secombe: That music should give you a clue to thel finanacial position of the BBC's music
BBC: One moment, Mr. Secombe, you can't attack the Corporation from the back!
Secombe: Can't I? Bend down!
FX: Slap
BBC: [screams]
Secombe: Now, read the name of the play.
Greenslade: We present: The Great String Robbery.
FX: music
Sellers: The String Robbery started very simply with a man saying:
Moriarty: My socks keep coming down.
Thynne: We must try and obtain a certain amount of cheap string.
Moriarty: What, what'll I do till then?
Thynne: For the time being, keep your socks up with the famous Eccles method.
Moriarty: Ah, what's that?
Thynne: Stand on your head.
Moriarty: Hup! [stands on head]
FX: Music
Seagoon: Hello, folks! Hello, folks! Through the power of megaphone, folks, three days later
[laughs] three days later, I was called from Scotland Yard to Scotland. At Edinborogh Station -
than-cue, than-cue - at Edinborough Station I was met by a platform.
FX: train arriving
Sellers: [screams, then effected voice:] There should be a law against trains letting off steam
when people are wearing kilts...!
Seagoon: Excuse me, porter, I'm a stranger here, could you tell se the way to walk?
Porter: Aye, [do you] see yon ticket barrier? Well, head over there for that.
Seagoon: Thank you.
N.R.Kilt: Hey, Inspector Seagoon?
Seagoon: The voice came from underneath the navy red kilt.
N.R.Kilt: Aye, you see, I m a ventriloquist! I threw my voice. Sometimes from my knee,
sometimes from my shin and sometimes from my nose, bing!
Seagoon: Oh, jolly good, jolly good, ha-ha! [nose throw sound] Now, where's the scene of
the crime?
N.R.Kilt: This is the house.
Scot: Aye, welcome to the scene of the crime.
Seagoon: Ah, where s the front door?
Scott: It's in this brown paper parcel. [opens it] We only use it for going in and out. Ah, there.
FX: door opens
Scott: The black-bearded criminal must have got in through the door or the windows.
Everything else was locked.
Seagoon: I see. Right. Now, who was killed?
Scot: No one's been killed.
Seagoon: Then this is a job for the police.
Scot: You are a policeman.
Seagoon: Oh, yes, yes, I wasted no time getting here, did I, eh? - Hands up! You're all
under arrest!
FX: door through which they enter
Greenslade: The String Robberies, Part Two.
Seagoon: Part Two? That's us!
Scot: You see that piece of string on the table?
Seagoon: Yes. What's that space in the middle?
Scot: That's the piece that's missing.
Seagoon: So! So that's what a piece of missing string looks like, eh? Where's it gone? Ah!
[laughs] Can't you see, you, you poor Scottish fool!
Scot: [gnashing teeth sounds]
Seagoon: It's all, it's all a practical joke!
Scot: [gnashing teeth sounds]
Seagoon: Someone's cut that string in the center, pulled the two pieces in opposite
directions, giving the impression that a piece had been removed from the middle.
Scot: Harry gringos, he's right! Oh, it's true! If you put these two pieces together, the gap
Scot II: Aye, but did you notice when you did that, the two outside ends got shorter?
Seagoon: Gad, gad, [Chisolm?]'s right! Now I see what happened. What cunning! [laughs]
The criminal's cut a piece off each end, then cut across the middle pulled them apart, making the
string look the original length.
Scot: Oh dear, this makes it a baffling case.
Scot II: Aye.
Seagoon: Yes. Instead of one piece we're looking for two separate ends... It's a good job I
can count! [laughs] We must start investigations at once!
FX: music.
Greenslade: [as radio announcer] ...Finally, here is a police message: Will all people in
possession of two pieces of string please report to their local police station. Now, sports: The
boxing match between the Irish and Italian football teams has been canceled.. [fadesl
Henry: Oh, dear, dear. Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, oh, dear. Min, Min! Oh-ow-ee. Min! Min! Min!
Minnie: Are you calling me, Henry?
Henry: Yes! Hurry up, I'm next! Oh, you sinful woman, you... Always at the cigarette rolling
Minnie: Oh, you gotta, gotta match, Henry?
Henry: Oh, hey, you vixin, not satisfied with making your own fags, now you want to smoke
Henry: Oh, hey, you vixin! Not satisfied with making your own fags, now you want to smoke'em!
Both: [make nervous sounds]
Minnie: There's nothing to worry about, Henry, this is herbal tobacco.
Henry: Herbal?
Minnie: Yes. Crazy herbal tobacco, made from dandelions.
Henry: Well, don't leave any in my bedroom, our water rates are high enough as it is.
Minnie: [inhales, exhales] Ah! [inhales, exhales] Oh! These cigarettes are strong, Henry.
Henry: Oh...
Minnie: Better not light them.
Henry: No.
Minnie: Henry?
Henry: What?
Minnie: You naughty, naughty man.
Henry: What, what?
Minnie: How do you like my new frock?
Henry: Min!
Minnie: Oh!
Henry: Where did you get that modern sack dress!
Minnie: I got it off the coal man.
Henry: I'll talk to you later about this, Min Banister.
Minnie: [inaudible]
Henry: Oh [inaudible] I will.
Minnie: [inaudible] you, you devil, you! [inaudible]
Henry: You...
Both: [inaudible] your conk, Henry!
Henry: You cow[?], you, all of you! Let's get down to the fire station - To the police station.
Minnie: It's, it's the same, Henry, because the police station's on fire....
Henry: Oh, good, good, good...
Minnie: Now, Henry, now, you're not allowed out, Henry, so You sit by the fire, and I'll drive the
house round to the...
Henry: All right, all right...
FX: driving sounds. Minnie saying "Oh!"
Greenslade: As the house drives away, we arrive at the String Robberies, Part Three.
Seagoon: Hello, folks! Calling all folks! Three weeks, folks, and still no fear of solving the
crime. I think I'll have a bath.
FX: bathing sounds
Seagoon: Ah! There's nothing like a sand paper for bringing up the old knees' white!
Constable: Eh, pardon me, Inspector?
Seagoon: Constable Smith! How dare you creep in here when my shins are exposed?
Constable: Oh, sorry, I, I won't, I won't look, Inspector. In any case, I'm a married man with
shins of me own, you know.
Seagoon: Constable, state your business!
Constable: I'm a policeman.
Seagoon: I know you're a policeman, but what do you want?
Constable: Well, there's an 'ouse outside waiting to see you.
Seagoon: House? I must go and inspect it. Brandy!?
FX: Runs out
musical interlude
FX: Music. Knock on door.
Minnie and Henry: Coming, coming, oh...
Seagoon: Good morning.
M&H: Good morning, good morning [etc.]
Seagoon: It's late afternoon already . Good morning. I was told that this house wanted to
see me.
Henry: Ah, sir, we have come to hand in our three pieces of string.
Minnie: String, string!
Seagoon: Well, there's some mistake. We only wanted people with two pieces.
Minnie: Oh.
Henry: Oh, well, then we'll throw one piece away.
Seas: Good. Now you're a suspect.
Both: Oh!
Minnie: I'm innocent.
Seagoon: Hello, folks! I wonder could this aged man be the string thief?
Henry: No, sir, no!
Minnie: No.
Seagoon: Not so loud, he might hear.
Minnie: Henry?
Henry: What?
Minnie: Put your fingers in your ears, Henry.
Henry: Oh, all right, all right... All right, sir.
Seagoon: ...robbery's been done...ever will be so...
Minnie: ba... mucka ba... a comes... come rory aba...
Seagoon: ...what do I... [etc.]
Greenslade: Dear listeners: This disjointed conversation is being caused by Mr. Crun moving
his fingers in out of his ears, thereby causing an intermittent break-in sound.
M&H: [sing] [inaudible]
Seagoon: Constable! Follow that house!
FX: Running
Constable: Come back! Oh, dear, come back! I arrest you in the name of the law! [fades]
Seagoon: Throw a cordon around England! No one must leave the island!
Voice: Right.
FX: music
Greenslade: The String Robberies, Part Thrun. The scene: the Cliffs of Dover.
FX: Sea-side sounds
Moriarty: It says in the paper on page ten here... there is a nationwide search or people
with two pieces of string!
Thynne: What? We must leave England! Brlng thne brown paper pudding and follow ne!
FX: Moriarty lifts; splashes of water
Moriarty: Ohhhh!
Greenslade: Meantime, a hundred miles away, Seagoon springs from a foreign bed.
Seagoon: Hup! [spring] Ahh! As I jumped out of bed I, I thought I heard two splashes.
Voice: Two splashes, Jee-em! Oh, Jeem, are your feet wet, Jeem? Are your feet wet, Jeee-m?
Seagoon: Yes, I've been sitting with damp socks on.
Voice: Oh, Jeem, can't you afford a clothesline, Jeem?
Seagoon: Yes, but I found a bed more comfortable.
Voice: Oh, oh, Jeem, oh, Jeem, oh, Jeem! We must take action, Jeem - we must take action,
Seagoon: Right, Jee-em!
Voice: You taking the [inaudible; cut?]
Seagoon: Send a signal...
FX: code
Seagoon: send a signal to all coast guards!
Voice: All right!
Seagoon: Especially those on the coast. Arrest the owners of those splashes!
FX: Major Bloodknock music. Rain, gales, splashing music.
Major: Oh, oh, oh, I've never had it as bad as this before! Oh, dear, oh, oh, the wind must be 40
knots at least! Well, I hope we don't have to launch the lifeboat tonight. Just in case they ask me,
I'll put one arm in a sling and lie down in a mock faint.
FX: knock on door
Major: Who is that there, who is it? Who is, who is out of there? Only a lunatic would be out on
such a storm!
FX: opens door.
Major: Yes?
Choir: [multiple Mulligans] Good King Wensislaus[?] [singing unintelligibly though poignently]
Major: Thank you.
FX: Slams door. Knock. Opens.
Major: Yes?
Eccles: Merry Christmas?
Major: You crazy, mixed-up Eccleses, you. Christmas is gone!
Eccles: Oh, which way'd it go?
Major: It's finished!
Eccles: Finished? Oh, I better talk with my friends here. [mumbles] Penny for the guy?
Major: That's not til next November!
Eccles: Can we come in and wait then?
FX: Major beats them off
Major: Well, that's got rid of those idiots.
FX: Knock on door
Major: Where's me club? Take that, you...
FX: Beating sounds
Constable?: I don't like clubbing, Jeem, I never liked clubbing. I have a message for You,
Major: Well, play it on the gramaphone.
Constable: All right, Jeem.
FX: Typewriter sounds
Major: Curse, it's written in typewriter, and I can't speak a word of it.
Constable: Turn it over.
Eccles and group: [singing same song]
Major: Oh, this is too much! Ellington, attack the hit parade with a melody, who-ee-hoy! A
brandy, oh, oh, a brandy
[Ellington plays "Living Doll"?]
Greenslade: Ah, that was Ray Ellington. We all wish him a speedy recovery. Now, by, ah,
clenching my fists, gritting my teeth, and contracting my abdomen, I find muself in an ideal
position to hear Part Three of The String Robberies.
FX: Music; sea storm sounds
Voice: [distant, inaudible]
Seagoon: It was very brave of you to put the lifeboat out in the storm.
Major: Yes. It's amazing what a man''l do at pistol point, isn't it?
Seagoon: What's our position?
Major: I don't know, I's a stranger around here.
Seagoon: What does the label on this wave say? "Made in Birmingham for the English
Channel"? Hmmmm.
Seagoon: Look! I can see the word "Help" coming out of that big [stripped ?] bubble.
Major: It must be a drowning cartoonist. Here! Catch this pencil paper!
Moriarty: Thank you! I'll draw the life boat! There! Saved! Now I'll draw myself on board!
TouchT! On board.
Seagoon: First, I must ask you to empty your pockets.
Moriarty: Right.
FX: many things land on floor
Seagoon: Quit stalling. Empty your pockets!
Thynne: Sir, that is our entire worldly wealth.
Seagoon: What's that ominous bulge in the seat of your trowsers?
Moriarty:: Ah! Nothing, I tell! Just some old clothes!
Seagoon: [this we'll see?] Blocknok, hand me that stick there.
FX: slap
Bluebottle: Oh! My [lugolds?]! Thank you, friends of mine.
Seagoon: Gad, a stowaway! Come on out!
Bluebottle: All right, I'll come out. Lowers flap of Moriarity's troweers. Steps out, waits for
audience applause.... Not enough, I say! Puts on record of own clapping.
FX: Wild applause
Seagoon: Stop! Who are you?
Bluebottle: I'm young [Kenny? Timmy?] Bluebottle, Ace Private Detective! Own catapult,
own scooter, own legs. Will go anywhere... in Finchley.
Seagoon: Lad, lad, little looney lad, who are you trailing?
Bluebottle: I'm after the string criminals. I suspect they're [more a?] naughty man.
Moriarty: [growls]
Bluebottle: Points finger at him, point, point, pointy pointy point.
Moriarty: That's [grumbles] quiet! The child is lieing!
Bluebottle: Keep him away from me!
Nori: The child is lieing!
Bluebottle: Lets fly with catapult: Bing!
FX: Breaking glass
Moriarty: Ah! My spectacles!
Seagoon: All right, gentlemen, a final question: are you the owner of these splashes?
FX: Two splashes
Thynne: No, I've never seen those splashes in my life before.
Seagoon: Would you care to try them on?
Moriarty: If you wish.
FX: Two splashes being tried on
Bluebottle: There! They fit them perfectly! Arrest them in the name of the lee!
Moriarty: Run for it, Gridpipe! Run for it!
FX: Running, two splashes
Seagoon: After them!
FX: Two splashes
Little Jim: They've fallen in the water
FX: Music
Seagoon: Hello, folks! I've lost my megaphone - Hello, folks! It's coming to you via cupped
hand. Folks! This is the position of it. Moriarity and Gridpipe have landed at Dover disguised as
splashes and are making inland. They've thumbed lift from a passing house.
FX: Broken car/house sounds, Minnie and Henry "Oh!"ing. Crowd sounds.
Seagoon: Ah! Breathless, breathless, breathless. Curse! They drove away in that house!
Bluebottle: Don't worry, Captain, I got their nomber.
Seagoon: Good lad! Look! The number of the house is 86 Fairy Keg Lane. Arrest all
houses with that address!
Major: Wait! 66 Fairy Keg Lane? That's where Henry Crun lives!
Seagoon: Men, this is the plan: We go to the empty space on the street where Crun's
house lives, we go down in the celler & wait for Crun's house to arrive.
Major: We must hurry, the audience is leaving!
FX: Running, fades. Phone. Running, returns. Picks up.
Seagoon: [out of breath] Hello, yes? Major Bloodknock? Hold on, I'll.. get him.
FX: Running, fades. Pause. Running, returns.
Major: Oh, oh. [out of breath] Yes? Hello? Bloodknock here.
Seagoon: [on phone] Hurry up, Major, we're all waiting up the street for you!
Major: Cor blimey, I...
FX: Rings off, runs away
Greenslade: Those running boots are a repeat of the running boots you heard in "Those Were
The Days" on the night program of March the 2nd and was taken from the BBC great sound
library of 9,000 scatchy records. I should, at this juncture, like to thank the Wallace Greenslade
Fan Club whose, um, 39,000 members clubed together and sent me a copy of last year's
birthday honors. How nice to have such nice, sweet friends.
Thynne: He's a bit of a crawler, Moriarity.
Moriarty: Ah, [inaudible]
Henry: Ah, this is as far as my house goes, gentlemen.
Moriarty: Ah, no, listen, Mr. Crung. Can we stay here until it gets dark?
Henry: Well, if you shut your eyes it'll get dark right away.
Moriarty: Oh? I'll try that... He's right, Grytpype!
Seagoon: Hands up, you two men in the dark there!
Moriarty: Oh!
Thynne: Where are you?
Seagoon: Under the floorboards in the cellar. Don't move or I'll fire!
Bluebottle: Captain! From where I'm lying, I can see up Moriarty's trowsers! E-he!
Moriarty: What do you want?
Seagoon: Hand down the two pieces of string tied around your socks!
Thynne: Dear listeners, as there is no audible sound for a piece of string, we substitute
FX: strange sounds made by various synthesized voices
Seagoon: Moriarity? You're under arrest! Mr. Crun, how do we get up out of this cellar?
Henry: There's no cellar in this house.
Seagoon: No cellar? Then... where are we?
Henry: You're all in your mind [laughs]
Seagoon: Help! Help! Hold up this script! Get us out! Help!
[end music]
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers,
Harry Secombe, and Spike Milligan, and George Chisolm, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max
Geldray, and the orchestra conducted by WS. Script by SM. Announcer WG. The program
produced by Tom Ronald.