Series 5, Episode 7, Broadcast 9 November 1954

Lurgi Strikes Britain

Wallace: This is the BBC

GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

Peter: And it used to be so popular. Well, here it is -

Harry: The Goon Show

GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING

Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Ah-ha-ha. Mr. Greenslade? Do your duty,
laddy

Wallace: Yes, sir. The story that follows is rather complicated. So to avoid
complication we open with Act III Scene I Part II, the same afternoon,
enter a human being

Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon

GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

Neddy: Curse. As I was saying, I am a doctor. I used to have a practice in
Harley Street, but the police moved me on. One morning in May, I was
going through an old dustbin, when my valet announced a visitor

Peter: Pardon me, sir. There is a visitor to see you.

Neddy: Right, heads down. Put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in

Peter: This way, sir

Moriarty: Ahhh, my dear Dr. Seagoon. Allow me, my card

Neddy: My card

Peter: My card

Moriarty: Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Moriarty.
Have you ever heard of lurgi?

Neddy: There's no one of that name here

Moriarty: Ah Christi Pompet! Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on
the Isle of Ewe

Needy: Where?

Moriarty: Isle of Ewe

Neddy: I love you, too. Shall we dance?

Moriarty: I don't wish to know that. On the Isle of Ewe the dreaded lurgi
struck. In six weeks, in cinq weeks mark you, lurgi had destroyed
the entire population. Lurgi could easily destroy the entire human
race.

Eccles: Then I'm okay, fellows

Neddy: Count Moriarty, why are you telling me all this?

Moriarty: Why? Yesterday, lurgi claimed its first victim in Britain.

Neddy: Ha-Ha. You jest

Moriarty: I jest what?

Neddy: You just said that lurgi just claimed its first victim in Britain

Moriarty: Sacre-bleu, sacre-bleu! How can you joke when lurgi threatens? Sit
down while I tell you a tale. Last night, my dear Seagoon, I was a
passenger on a bus in Oldham

Neddy: You reckless continental, you!

Moriarty: TouchŽ. The bus was passing the Oldham Fire Station, all as
normal (fading out)

ORCHESTRA: LINK MUSIC

Harry: Any more fares, please, Family Park next stop. Any more? Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo

Peter: (old woman) What to do with him?

Harry: Hold tight, please, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo, Yakka Boo

Spike: Here, loosen his collar

Harry: What's the matter with you lot? Take your hands off me! Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo

Peter: Stop the bus!

Harry: Don't you stop this - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-Boo

Spike: Give him air!

Peter: Stand back now!

Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo (fading out)

Moriarty: Not a pretty sight!

Neddy: Good Heavens! What happened then?

Moriarty: The unfortunate bus conductor was taken to the Olham Royal
Infirmary

Neddy: And then?

Moriarty: And then...well, listen

ORCHESTRA: HARP MUSIC FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC CHORD

Harry: Doctor, I tell you, I'm all right, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo - I can't see
what you're bothered about at all see - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Yakka-
Boo

Peter: (doctor) Yes, yes, yes. Now breathe in (Harry inhales) and breathe out -

Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

Peter: Must you? Now breathe in again

Harry: Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

Peter: Please, I must ask you to reeeea - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

Harry: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Yakka-Boo

Spike: (nurse) Now what is it, I - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

Peter, Harry and Spike go "Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo" as they fade out

Moriarty: (fading in) And that is my tale Seagoon. In six weeks Britain could be
destroyed by lurgi and that includes you!

GRAMS: WHOOSH, FOLLOWED BY CLOSING DUSTBIN LID

Moriarty: Come out of that dustbin, Seagoon!

Neddy: (from within the bin) I'm watching television!

Moriarty: Come out!

FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING LIFTED NOISILY

Neddy: Oh please, please, I...I don't know anything about lurgi

Moriarty: Supristi! I will tell you all about lurgi

Neddy: Then you cure it

Moriarty: I am not a doctor. No. You must be the one. You, and you alone,
will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, and
now you!

Neddy: I agree. But what's lurgi got to do with me, Pasteur, and the other
painters?

Moriarty: Sacre-Fred. Here, read this article.

FX: PAPER BEING RUSTLED

Neddy: "Will any doctor with knowledge of lurgi please communicate with Dr.
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne"!

Moriarty: Well? What are you waiting for? With his help you will be the man
to save the nation from the dreaded lurgi.

Neddy: Yes, but I -

Moriarty: A Knighthood, position, riches - Money!

GRAMS: WHOOSH AND DOOR CLOSES

FX: PICK UP PHONE, DIALS

Moriarty: (singing) Niem sonatadi en Paris! (speaking) Hello? Ah, Dr,
Grytpype-Thynne? Ah, listen, Grytpype. Moriarty here. Yes. He's
justleft, he's on his way to you now. Yes. (laughs) Yes. Until he
arrives here's Max Geldray

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA PLAY "PINK
CHAMPAGNE"

ORCHESTRA: HARP MUSIC CREATING MYSTIC EFFECT

FX: KNOCKING ON DOOR

Grytpype: Come in!

FX: DOOR OPENED

Neddy: Dr. Grytpype-Thynne?

Grytpype: The same

Neddy: My name is Ned Seagoon

GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

Grytpype: Upsy-daisy! Now, what can I do for you?

Neddy: I've come to help fight lurgi. First Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie and
now me!

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Now what are your qualifications?

Neddy: I was struck off the Rolls twice

Grytpype: You can only be struck off the Rolls once

Neddy: That'll give you some idea of my importance.

Grytpype: Then your our man. The situation is extremely grave. In the last 12
hours 2,000 more victims have been smitten by lurgi.

Neddy: (gulps) We must move fast

Grytpype: What do you suggest?

Neddy: South America?

Grytpype: No, no, no. You are the one man who can save Britain

Neddy: Yes. First Lewis Carol, Madame Tussaud and now me!

Grytpype: Now, Seagoon, let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for you to meet
the Medical Council. Once there -

Neddy: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?

Grytpype: Please don't do that

Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po

Grytpype: Good. I'll tell you a tale. At the moment lurgi is confined to
Oldham. Now here's what you must tell the Medical Council: All
the lurgi victims must be sent to Blackpool

Neddy: One moment, Dr. Grytpype. If you know the cure for lurgi why don't
you have the Knighthood and the riches?

Grytpype: I can't. You see, I'm married

Neddy: Oh, I'm terribly sorry

Moriarty: Come Seagoon, off to the Council Medical

ORCHESTRA: LINK MUSIC

Everyone: talking among themselves

Peter: (Jewish Businessman) Ladies and Gentlemen! Ladies and Gentlemen of
the British Medical Council! Now then, I've got you out of bed
because I want you to hear about this lurgi lark, what their all doing
their nut about in Lancashire. Here's the speaker, Dr, err -

Neddy: Seagoon. Ned Seagoon.

GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

Peter: My life, he's always doing that! Carry on, nut

Neddy: Ladies and Gentlemen, before I start are there any further questions?

Minnie: What is lurgi?

FX: THUMPS OF SOMETHING SOLID BEING HIT AGAINST
WOOD (MINNIE SCREAMS) FOLLOWED BY SHUTTING
DOOR

Neddy: Any more questions? No my plan is to set up Yakka-Boo Centres in
Blackpool.

Minnie: I'm asking a civilian question. What is lurgi?

Henry: That's another thing I want to know! What is lurgi?

Minnie: What is lurgi?

Henry: Shut up

Minnie: Shut up

Henry: Shut up

Minnie: You shut up!

Henry: What is lurgi?

Minnie: I've just asked that question, buddy.

Henry: Why didn't you say so?

Minnie: I did say so

Henry: If you've already asked there's no point in me asking

Minnie: Well anyway, what is lurgi?

Henry: Well, gentlemen, I beg of you, before it's too late I select the lurgi
victims at Yakka-Boo Centres in Blackpool

Minnie: Wait. Where are we going to get all the money from for this business,
buddy?

FX: TELEPHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

Neddy: Hello?

Grytpype: (on other end) You have arranged a charity concert at the Albert
Hall in aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund

Neddy: Yes, that's it. I have arranged for a charity concert at the Albert hall in
aid of the Lurgi Distress Fund

Minnie: Bravo! Bravo!

Wallace: Part Two. A Charity Concert at the Albert Hall in aid of the lurgi
Distress Fund. The Overture by the Ray Ellington Quartet

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET SING "MY VERY
GOOD FRIEND (SUGGESTS YOU SHOULD MARRY ME)"

Neddy: And next in this concert we have imported my permission of Count
Moriarty and Dr, Grytpype-Thynne the great continental tenor Jovani
Sulphoney

GRAMS: ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE, CHEERS, WHISTLES

Sulphoney: (Spike) Gracias, gracias. For my first number I would like to sing
that lovely melody that we all love so well "I Travel The Road"

ORCHESTRA: GRAND AND LENGTHY INRODUCTION

Sulphoney: (with orchestra) I gypsy am I, go wandering by, I travel the road,
all day

Moriarty: (over music) I'll give him the signal now

Sulphoney: I travel the road, - Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

Neddy: Moriarty, the singer! He's got the lurgi! Help! Run for your lives!
Lurgiiiii!

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK, FOLLOWED BY HARPS AGAIN

FX: TAPPING ON METALLIC DUSTBIN

Grytpype: For the last time, come out of that dustbin

Neddy: (inside bin) Leave me alone, I don't want to touch lurgi

Grytpype: There is nothing to fear. Neddy, I'll tell you the cure

FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING OPENED

Neddy: The cure? Ah-ha. That's it, the cure! The cure, what's the cure?

Grytpype: Now sit down Neddy and let me tell you a tale. I've arranged for
you to force your way into the Houses of Parliament. Once there
you must impress upon them the disastrous cuinsequonces of this
dreaded lurgi.

Neddy: But, but, what's the cure?

Grytpype: The, err, cure, is rather unorthodox, but here it is, you will tell them
(fade out)

ORCHESTRA: HARP LINK

Wallace: Meanwhile and unsuspecting Parliament is debating important affairs
of state.

Everyone: coughs

Spike: (old politician) Err, who's responsible for the drains at Hackney? And,
may I ask why they have not been taken up in the last century?

Everyone: Here, here

Peter: (old politician) They are, they were, taken up last December

Spike: Oh!

Peter: Ah!

Harry: here, here.

Spike: (halting at every comma) Isn't it time, they were taken up, again?

Harry: Well done!

Peter: Impossible! They've not been put back again yet

Wallace: (above arguments) The fierce debate was at its height when past the
speakers chair crept a dustbin, and with dramatic suddenness the
lid was flung off!

FX: DUSTBIN LID BEING THROWN OFF DRAMATICALLY

Neddy: Honourable members! Lurgi threatens us all!

Minnie: What is lurgi?

Neddy: Lurgi is the most dreadful malady known to mankind

Minnie: Oooooh!

Neddy: In six weeks it could swamp the whole of the British Isles

Everyone: Rubbish!

Neddy: Gentlemen, Oldham is already affected. At this very moment more and
more people are contracting lurgi

Everyone: shouts of shock, such as "Terrible state of affairs!"

Peter: Is there any known cure for lurgi?

Neddy: That there is! Let me tell you a tale. By continuous research I
discovered that all victims have one thing in common.

Everyone: What is it? Out with it man?

Neddy: None of them play in a brass band

Everyone: Incredible. Amazing

Peter: One moment, sir. Are you inferring that by playing a musical instrument
one is immune for lurgi?

Neddy: Yes

Peter: Hmmm. Give me an "A", would you?

ORCHESTRA: EACH INSTRUMENT PLAYING DIFFERENT
NOTES, FOLLOWED BY DRAMATIC LINK
ENDED WITH HARPS

Wallace: Following the massive disclosure in Parliament, Dr. Ned Seagoon
had been put in full charge of the Anti-Lurgi Campaign

Moriarty: (faded in) You will need to order 4 million E Flat trombones

Neddy: That's going to cost something isn't it?

Moriarty: Cost! Cost! Lives are at stake, man!

Neddy: Yes

Grytpype: If you can save Britain from lurgi the government won't mind the
expenditure

Neddy: Your right. First Louis Posture, Madame Pompadour, Sinzeer and
Gladys -

Grytpype: Yes, yes. We've heard all that. And now you

Neddy: Yes, Ha-Ha.

Grytpype: 3 million euphoneoms, 4 million sousaphones. Well, here's the list,
sign here, lad

Moriarty: And send it to Messrs Goosey and Bawkes, the well known
instrument makers.

Wallace: Dear listeners, sit down while I tell you a tale. Within three weeks
Messrs Goosey and Bawkes had received 50 million pounds in
brass band orders. They delivered them in some 30 million musical
instruments to Airwick Gatport, the great airport at Gatwick.

GRAMS: HUGE PLANE MOTOR RUNNING

Neddy: (over noise) What a sight! A thousand planes packed to the billagers
with the life saving instruments. Well done, Goosey and Bawkes.
Now, where is that Major Bloodnok? It's almost zero hour! Any of
you pilots seen Major Bloodnok?

Bluebottle: I heard you call me, my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. Enter
Bluebottle, pauses for audience applause, not a sausage. Wey!
Better Second House.

Neddy: Stand away little stringy pants, this is man's work

Bluebottle: But I have done all my homework, and I washed my knees - Look!
Points to white spot on leg, doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot

Neddy: Stop that dooting, man!

Bluebottle: Hee-Hee.

Neddy: Where's Major Bloodnok?

Bluebottle: I can play that part better than he can, him can. I'm in the school
play at Christmas. Puts on white beard, holŽ!

Neddy: Wait a moment, there is a part for you

Bluebottle: I knew you would not play this game without little Bluebottle.
What do I say, Captain?

Neddy: Read this, but don't read it until I tell you

Bluebottle: My little Captain is going a long way off to see if I can shout to
him. Turns away from windows so I do not shatter them.

Neddy: (in distance) Right-O! Read it out now!

Bluebottle: I heard you! (clears throat) Reads part: "My name is Ned Seagoon"

GRAMS: FALLING BOMB FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION

Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you. You have deaded me before we've even
started the game. And you have singed my Edward Persian
Egyptian type-shirt. Oiiy! Moves off for new supply of crep-air.

Major: Oh thud me cronkers and duffel me latches. A civilian on army
property? Who are you, sir?

Neddy: I'd rather not say, sir, you see I -

Major: Come on out with it! I'm broad-minded! wait a minute your not Ned -

Neddy: Shhhhh, please

Major: Strange sounding name.

Neddy: Major Bloodnok -

Major: That's more like a name! Pleased to meet you Major Bloodnok

Neddy: I'm not Major Bloodnok, that's your name.

Major: Of course it is, ahhhhhh

Neddy: Major Bloodnok

Major: Err, Major Bloodnok

Neddy: Yes

Major: Yes

Neddy: You will be parachuted into Blackpool with your men, the object
being to instruct the lurgi victims in the use of these new instruments

Major: Well, we're all ready to depart now. Band, from the left, into the plane,
quick march, chocks away, good luck!

GRAMS: DOORS SHUT AND PLANES TAKE OFF

Neddy: What a sight! A thousand planes taking off for Blackpool, soon it will
all be over, lurgi conquered by me!

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK ENDED IN HARPS

Wallace: And now here is the news. Today in Parliament questions were asked
regarding the dropping of some 50 million brass band instruments
on Blackpool late last night. There appears to be no valid reason
why this strange operation was carried out. It is known to have cost
the treasury well over 25 million pounds. As a result income tax
will now be three guineas in the pound. New Scotland Yard are
trying to trace a short fat man who started a rumour about a non-
existent disease called lurgi. He is reported to have last been seen -

Grytpype: Switch it off.

Moriarty: Yes, we've heard enough of that now. Let me see now, that's
15,000 for you, 15 million for me, 6 million for me and then for
the -

FX: DOOR OPENED ABRUPTLY

Neddy: Ah! There you are!

Grytpype: It's Little Neddy.

Neddy: Have you heard the news? They say that there's no such disease as
lurgi

Grytpype: No such disease as lurgi? And you went to the Houses of
Parliament and told them there was!? Oh dear!

Neddy: Ey? You told me to tell them! I mean -

Grytpype: (Moriarty counting money behind) Tooth brush, change of
underwear, yes, got the plane tickets?

Neddy: Wait, wait! There is such a thing as lurgi, isn't there? (laughs
nervously) You told me there was! I mean -

Peter: (taxi driver, same voice as lurgi singer) Oh pardon me, the car's waiting
for Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes to take them to the airport

Neddy: Wait! Your the singer from the Albert Hall! You've got lurgi! Run for
your life! Lurgi! wait a minute, Mr. Goosey and Mr. Bawkes?

Grytpype: Yes, that's our business name. We make brass band instruments,
you know.

Neddy: You must have made a fortune!

Grytpype: Let me tell you a tale. First Charley Peace, Dr. Crippin, and now
Muggins. Good-bye.

FX: DOOR SHUTS

Neddy: Muggins? Who's Muggins? (sobs) Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo, Eeeeeeeeh
Yakka-Boo

ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE

Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally
Stott. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer
Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Peter Eton.
Eeeeeeeeh Yakka-Boo

ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE