Series 4, Episode 23, Broadcasted 1 March 1954
The Greatest Mountain In The World
ORCHESTRA: ONLY A ROSE
Peter: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) I bring along, a smile and a song, for
Harry: (American accent) Yes, it's song time with Webster Snobcule
Peter: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) Only a rose, for youuuu
Wallace: Once again welcome to "Your Song Parade", half an hour of glorious
musical boredom with songs that your mother loved and everyone
Peter: (Irish accent) Thank you, Dennis Main, tonight I have included in my
repertoire Schubert's violin sonata, guest soloist Billy "uke" Scott.
And now request spot; my first request comes from Jack Blonger, a
two-headed Mongolian criminal tram driver who is under treatment for
the dreaded emulsion of the legs and the green lurgi. Cheer up Jack,
I'm alright. And here is your song, and it's called -
Peter: (accompanied on piano singing): One loan, to be my own, alone my
love, to find your caressing, songs divine, and you are mine, I wonder
how my love -
GRAMS: EXPLOSION FOLLOWED BY METAL HITTING GROUND
Wallace: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known BBC
tenor Webster Snobcule, the programme and the death were
recorded, the next programme follows in one second
Harry: Here is the next programme
Peter: With Patrick Sellers, Isaac Secombe and Tom Milligan we present
Harry: The Greatest Mountain in the World, or...
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORDS
Harry: I knew Fred Crute, or...
Peter: (high voice, maybe early Bluebottle) The Greatest Mountain in the
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC INTRODUCTION
Wallace: This story opens in the basement of a disused fish-squirting factory.
There, during a meeting, being held by the Royal Geographical and
Archaeological Society a member is concluding his speech.
Spike: (fade in) He's got one digging, one covering up, and one looking for
fresh places, and that's how King Tutan Khan's Tomb was discovered,
I thank you
Peter: Thank you, Sir Marty Mahweeler
Spike: I don't wish to know that
Peter: And now pray silence for the right and left honourable Sir Hairy
Seagoon, President of the Yong-Tid-Tiddle-I-Po, Honorary Parole
Prisoner and twice winner of the Dartmoor Escape Medal
Neddy: Thank you, gentlemen. Members, in view of Sir Edmund Hilary and
Tiger Tenzing's great achievement last year, I have decided to go one
better. I intend to climb the highest mountain in the world.
Peter: (politician voice) But it's already been climbed
Neddy: Ah ha ha, your thinking of the one Hilary and Tenzing climbed. Well
now, I have news for you, I have discovered a higher one
Peter: What is its name?
Neddy: Well, I can't keep this mountain a secret for ever, it's bound to leak
out eventually. I'll tell, and you're the first men to hear it. It's called
(dramatic voice) Mount Everest.
Spike: (Indian voice) Silence, silence there. But the mountain has already been
Neddy: Climbed? Climbed? By whom?
Spike: Hilary and Tenzing
Peter: (Indian voice) My goodness, man
Neddy: So, they climbed Mount Everest as well. What a dirty trick! Never
mind, I will not be defeated by this dishonest stratagem. I will find a
Spike: (politician) Laughs wildly pronouncing each laugh individually, And
where are we going to find this higher mountain?
Neddy: Where? Well, I, er...I'll, er.....
Ray: Boss, boss
Neddy: What Ellington?
Ray: Why don't we build a higher mountain?
Neddy: Build our own mountain
Neddy: What rubbish, get out!
GRAMS: DOOR SHUTS
Neddy: Has he gone?
Neddy: Good. Gentlemen, I have a brilliant idea, why don't we build our own
Minnie: Bravo buddy, yeah buddy
Neddy: Thank you, buddy
Minnie: Okay, buddy
Neddy: Yes. Now where will we build this mountain?
Henry: incoherent ummmmms
Neddy: Yes, Mr. Crun?
Henry: I think we should build it in Hyde Park
Neddy: Why Hyde Park?
Henry: Well, it's handy for the busses and shops
Neddy: Hyde, er...yes...Hyde Park...yes...ummm....Any objections?
Spike: Ohhh yes! If we build this mountain on England, England would sink
under the weight
Neddy: Sink? In that case, this mountain would be invaluable, people could
climb up the side and save themselves from drowning
Spike: Mercy, you're right. Hurry and build it, before we all drown!
Neddy: Splendid. Who will second Mr. Crun's idea?
Henry: I will
Neddy: Anyone else?
Henry: Yes, me
Neddy: Excellent. Mr. Crun, your idea has won support
Henry: I thank them, (sings) I walk in the shadow
Neddy: Yes, I can see that. On Monday then we start cleaning Hyde Park.
Failing that we start on Monday. If not, in Hyde Park on Monday.
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
GRAMS: BULLDOZER SOUNDS
Wallace: Work began, and a great area in the park was cleared. The method
was very simple: one digging, one filling in and one looking for
Neddy: Foreman Scrumply!
Scrumply (Peter): jovial laughter, country farm fashion
Neddy: Glad to hear it. Now, did you drain the water from the serpentine?
Scrumply: Arrrr, an' we filled it in with solid concrete
Neddy: Concrete, good. That's very good!
Eccles: (singing as he enters) Oh what a beautiful morning, oh de dum de dum
de dum, be my love, when would your princess be burning, oh what
a beautiful morning
Neddy: Eccles, what are you doing?
Eccles: Having a good time
Neddy: Having a good time? How did you get that lump on your head?
Eccles: I just dived in the serpentine
Neddy: Dived in? You know it was solid concrete?
Eccles: No, but I know now. In any case, I wouldn't dare dive in a pool with
water in it?
Neddy: Why not?
Eccles: Can't swim
Henry: Oh, hello Lord Seagoon
Henry: Look, look what I've got in this little box
Neddy: Oh, it's a little lump
Henry: Yes, a lump. I'll put it on the ground, there. Now, I'm going to make a
mountain out of that
Neddy: What is it?
Henry: (laughing to himself) A mole-hill (Eccles joins in laughter)
GRAMS: LORRY NOISES
Ray: Anyone about here?
Henry: Yes, us
Ray: What are you three laying down for?
Henry: A very good reason
Ray: What's that?
Henry: You've just run over us
Ray: Um, are you Mr. Crun?
Henry: Only just
Ray: Well, this parcel on my lorry is for you
Henry: Oh. That will be the mole for my mole-hill. Come on, help me lift it
FX: BOX BEING MOVED (Henry and Eccles struggle with it)
Henry: Good grief, it weighs a ton. Now, let's get the string cut. Eccles, the
Eccles: Okay, here we go
FX: STRING BEING CUT BEHIND ECCLES SPEAKING
Eccles: Oh de dum de dum de dum, a snip there, a snip there, and a bit there,
and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there. How's
Henry: Very good, but I didn't want a haircut
FX: BOX BEING OPENED
Neddy: Ah, here he is, the mole
Eccles: Oh yeah, look at him, he must be hungry
Henry: Yes, here boy, here's a nice worm for you
Eccles: (Gulps) Thanks, any more?
Neddy: You idiot Eccles. That was for the mole you -
GRAMS: LION ROARS
Neddy: I say, are you...are you sure he is a mole?
Henry: Of course he's a mole, look here's the letter: "With Love to our dear
British friends from your pals the Egyptians", there!
GRAMS: LION ROARS
Henry: If you don't believe me read the label around his neck as proof
Neddy: Alright, yes, it says: "L I O N", hmmm, "L I O N"? Mole?
"L I O -
Henry: Well, what does it say?
Neddy: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Lion! It's a lion!
Henry: Oh, you silly man you. Ellington, do you think it's a lion?
Ray: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Yes!
GRAMS: LION ROARS DURING FOLLOWING SPEECHES
Henry: Nice pussy! Puss, puss! Pussy, wussy, puss, puss! Here pussy, eat
this, it's all for you
Eccles: Put me down! Help!
GRAMS: FEET RUNNING AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE
Wallace: The Greatest Mountain In The World, end of Part One. Ices,
chocolates and Max Geldray
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA
Peter: The Greatest Mountain In The World, part Two. Now read on.
Wallace: Having escaped from the lion work went ahead on building the
mountain. Then, when it had reached a height of ten thousand feet,
disaster. At midnight, Crun was awakened
Harry: (strained voice) Pardon me, is this your mountain, sir?
Henry: Yes, I am part owner of it
Harry: It will have to come down, you know.
Harry: It will have to come down. It will have to be dismantled
Henry: But...What? Who are you?
Harry: Facts: male, name Bogg F, secretenant ministry of works and housing,
section 9: "No mountain weighing more than 8 pounds 10 ounces and
measuring more than 20 feet may be built within a radius of Nelson's
Henry: What are you going to do?
Harry: Well, I'll just put these little sticks at the base of the mountain and light
the fuses, ay.
FX: MATCH BEING LIT
Henry: Is that all?
Harry: Yes, that's all, thank you. Well, I'd better be going now
Henry: Well goodnight, and a Merry Christmas
Harry: Thank you, and a Happy New Year to you
Henry: What a nice fellow. Now what are these two red sticks he's stuck in
here? Oh, there's writing on them. Er, Aaaaaaaaaah! Dynamite!
Heeeeeelp! Heeeeelp! (fading away into distance)
GRAMS: DYNAMITE FUSE SIZZLING (SOUNDS LIKE BACON IN
Eccles: Hello? Hello ho ho ho? Did I hear someone calling? (sniffs) Hmmm,
something burning around here. Oooh, what a bit of luck! Two big
cigars and they're both lit. Hmmm, let's see, what brand are they
now? TNT brand. Hmmm, must be a new make. I'll take a puff on
one. (sucks). Hmmmm
GRAMS: SIZZLING STOPS, EXPLOSION
Eccles: Ummmm, strong! I'd better nip the other one out and save it for later.
Henry: Ahhh! The mountain's all gone! Oooooh Ellington!
Eccles: I aint Ellington
Henry: Hmmm? Oh no, you're not. Yours wipes off. Oh, it's Eccles! You're
Eccles: Oh, pleased to meet you Eccles.
Henry: But the mountain, blown to pieces
Neddy: Oh, what's happened? Where's my mountain?
Henry: Gone! Destroyed! Smashed to pieces by the Ministry of Works
Neddy: We'll call an immediate meeting of the Royal Alpine Society
ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL LINK AND ALPINE SOCIETY THEME
Spike: incoherent speech (such phrases as "I have never...")
Everyone: Here here, bravo
Neddy: Well gentlemen, Lord Elpus has made it quite clear. We have no
option. We have to start building another mountain in another country.
I therefore call upon Major Bloodnok for advice.
Major: Ah Ha Ha! Ha Ha Ha! (grunts) Ha Ha Ha! And other disgusting noises!
Gentlemen, I have the answer to this problem.
Minnie: Bravo buddy!
Major: Silence, Miss Bannister, or I'll mugle your crampons with me griff club
Major: Now to biz. Mount Everest, it's 5 miles high isn't it? Yes?
Major: But it measures 12 miles across the bottom
Major: Well? All we need to do is tip Mount Everest on its side and we'll
have a mountain 12 miles high
Neddy: How do you intend tipping Mount Everest on its side?
Major: Well, isn't it obvious?
Major: Then I have another idea. Why don't we saw the top off Everest, insert
a portion of some other mountain underneath, thus rising Everest
another hundred feet
Neddy: Uuuuuum, no, that would be cheating and against the International
Peter: Oooooh! Might I interpose? (Harry does a raspberry) Thank you. I know
of a mountain that is higher than Mount Everest
Neddy: Well said Eccles
Peter: This mountain is 33,000 feet high
Neddy: And it's name?
Peter: Fred. Mount Fred. There is, however, one snag. It is under the sea, 300
kilguri fathoms down
Neddy: Well, it's worth a try, hands up those in favour.Well now gentlemen it
is decided we sail on an expedition ship to locate the sunken
Ray: (exaggerated upper class English accent): Er, yes, dear boy?
Neddy: Clear the decks
Ray: At your leisure
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET
Peter: The Mighty Mountain, part Three. Read on
Neddy: We fitted out a magnificent expedition vessel. To make the ship safe
we sent it by boat. And soon we hope to above the mighty Mount
GRAMS: OARS IN WATER
Henry: Lower the anchor
Henry: Shouldn't it have had a chain attached to it?
Eccles: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it couldn't have been a very good anchor
Henry: Why not?
Eccles: It sank, didn't it?
Wallace: Ah, Major, sir. Your secret deep sea observation batasphere the X9
is ready to be lowered over the side
Major: Well I'm afraid we can't use it, you see there's a slight technical fault
Wallace: What's that?
Major: The whole thing's useless. However I found another method of making
false meat balls
Neddy: False meat balls?
Neddy: Major Bloodnok, we have not come 6,000 miles out here with all this
ultra-modern submarine equipment and diving apparatus equipped for
deep sea mountain climbing to make false meat balls
Major: And why not?
Neddy: Because we've come to climb the highest undersea mountain in the
Major: Strice me dongler and hell me iron thudders, what blasted idiot thought
Neddy: You did, sir
Major: What a brilliant idea!
Ray: Er, may I interrupt you for a second?
Major: Yes, what do you want?
Ray: Nothing, I just want to interrupt
Major: Get out of here you naughty little boy, you! Oh, you naughty little
Neddy: According to our calculations we are almost above Mount Fred
Major: Then action!
Everyone: mumbles and talks amongst themselves
Major: Men, to climb this under water giant we shall need the following:
Alpine stocks, ski's, rope, crampons, crevices, grappling irons and
Neddy: Tents? But this climb is under water!
Major: Thud me you're right! Include umbrellas, raincoats and Miss Myrtle
Neddy: What's she for?
Major: I like the woman
Neddy: How are we going to carry all the heavy equipment?
Neddy: Camels? Camels live under water? That's mad!
Major: Of course it is, only mad camels could live under water. We're in
condition tonight. Do you think I am crazy?
Major: What a splendid judge of character this fellow is. Now what's this? Ah!
Yes, provisions. Most important, paraffin cookers for cooking
Neddy: You can't cook under water
Major: Of course not, we shall surface for all meals, you understand. And
now, how far is it to the base of the mountain? Er, get ready all you
climbers! (Spike gurgles)
Neddy: Er, how do you intend getting down to the mountain
Major: Quite simple, one digging, one filling in and one - no, no, no, I mean,
er, I mean my famous fireman system, we lower a greasy pole over
the ship's side and we all dive down to the mountain top and plant the
Neddy: No, no, no. That would never do
Neddy: That would be a foul. You can't climb down to get to the top of a
mountain. The International Alpine Club categorically states that all
mountains must be climbed up to get to the top
Major: Crudge my siston with galloping crabs, you mean we've got to climb
to the bottom and then climb up again?
Major: (Gasps) Thud. How far is it to the very bottom?
Neddy: Approximately 3 miles, to be exact 3 miles.
Major: Much too far to walk, everyone in the car we'll drive down. Ellington,
away we go
GRAMS: CAR STARTS AND ZOOMS AWAY FOLLOWED BY
SPLASH AND BUBBLING
Wallace: To enable the story of the underwater epic to continue the BBC have
installed microphones at the base camp of Mount Fred on the North
Col and the summit. Now read on.
GRAMS: CAR RUNNING SMOOTHLY AS BLOODNOK SPEAKS
Major: Stop the car!
GRAMS: CAR BRAKES AS CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT
Major: We're lost, lost! Lord Seagoon, ask a native where we are.
Neddy: Right, sir. I'll knock on this oyster
FX: KNOCKING FOLLOWED BY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
GRAMS: OYSTER OPENS LIKE A RUSTY DOOR
Neddy: Oh, is Pearl in?
Minnie: No, no, no. Pearl isn't in, but I'm her mother
Neddy: Of course, you must be Mother of Pearl (laughs at his own joke)
Minnie: Yes, yes. What do you want buddy?
Neddy: Could you direct me to Mount Fred?
Minnie: I'm a stranger around here buddy
Neddy: You'll regret this buddy, (Minnie argues during this speech) you can't
trifle with the British Empire buddy, (both go on arguing ending each
sentence in "Buddy")
Major: Come on Seagoon, stop arguing, don't argue. Get in. Drive on
Eccles: Hey, look what I met, an octopus
Major: Well don't stop to shake hands or we'll be here all day. Drive on Ray
Ray: Okay again
GRAMS: CAR STARTS AND ZOOMS OFF INTO DISTANCE
Major: He should have waited for us!
Neddy: Yes, now we're hopelessly lost
Major: Lost! Rubbish! I know exactly here we are
Neddy: I do believe you're right, I do believe so. Nevertheless someone must
surface and see where we are. Now let me see, who shall it be,
Bluebottle: I heard you calling me my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. England
expects. Sticks hand up jumper in Lord Nelson pose. Moves left
Neddy: Bluebottle, I ant you to get to the surface
Bluebottle: Okay, surface it shall be, I shall sur-face. Quickly puts on Elsie
sea men's night only bathing draws. I am ready cap-tain. Pray
tell me, how do I get to the top-ed.
Neddy: Just grab the horn of this submerged mine
Bluebottle: Oh jolly good. (struggles and gulps) 'Ere, do not mines go off
Neddy: Of course not, do your duty Bluebottle
Bluebottle: I knew it was safe for me to do my duty Bluebottle. Moves
forward over to mine. Grabs hold of horn, very gently. Ahhh, it
is safe. I did not believe you at first, but now I know that -
GRAMS: EXPLOSION FOLLOWED BY TELEPHONE RINGING
Bluebottle: (on other end of phone) You rotten swine, you! Oh, you have
deaded me again. Oh, struck down in my prime. Farewell I say.
Pushes button B. Gets money back, exits to NAAFI before tea
Neddy: I've...I've deaded him.
Neddy: I'll have to tell his mother
Eccles: Yeah, that will cheer her up, yeah
Henry: Lord Seagoon
Neddy: Oh, it's Marilyn Monroe
Eccles: Oooooooooooooh! Here, here! OOoooh!
Henry: Get your hands away from me Eccles
Neddy: Mr. Crun! How can I mistake you for Marilyn Monroe?
Henry: I got air bubbles in the seat of my trousers
Neddy: I see
Henry: Now I've come down to tell you that the explosion has blown Mount
Fred to bits
Neddy: What? Oh, curse! The only mountain taller than Everest and we
Georgey would! Oh, that's ruined our chances (sobbing)
Eccles: Oh, never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Here, here, here, steady,
have a cigar
Eccles: It's one I got from that Ministry of Works fellow
Neddy: Hmmmm, strong aren't they?
Wallace: We regret to announce the death of Lord Seagoon, Mr. Crun and
Eccles. The programme was recorded. Good night.
Eccles: Yeah, good night folks, Have a good time.
Wallace: You're supposed to be deaded
Eccles: No, I'm not deaded
Bluebottle: Hurry up and be deaded and then you can go home for tea
Neddy: Yeah, come on Eccles be deaded
Eccles: No, I'm not going to be deaded
Neddy: Bluebottle and Eccles: argue fiercely until the music overpowers
ORCHESTRA: PLAYOUT THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray, the Orchestra was conducted by Wally
Scott , script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade,
the programme produced by Peter Eton. It is now proven that the
cast was all deaded. The London Palladium is now appearing in
Argyll Street, Argyll Street is also appearing there. Philip Harbon
has not been properly deaded, neither has Kay Hammond. Now
ORCHESTRA, MAX GELDRAY AND RAY ELLINGTON PLAY OUT