Series 4, Episode 23, Broadcasted 1 March 1954

The Greatest Mountain In The World

ORCHESTRA: ONLY A ROSE

Peter: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) I bring along, a smile and a song, for
anywhereeeeeee

Harry: (American accent) Yes, it's song time with Webster Snobcule

Peter: (sings accompanied by Orchestra) Only a rose, for youuuu

Wallace: Once again welcome to "Your Song Parade", half an hour of glorious
musical boredom with songs that your mother loved and everyone
else hated

Peter: (Irish accent) Thank you, Dennis Main, tonight I have included in my
repertoire Schubert's violin sonata, guest soloist Billy "uke" Scott.
And now request spot; my first request comes from Jack Blonger, a
two-headed Mongolian criminal tram driver who is under treatment for
the dreaded emulsion of the legs and the green lurgi. Cheer up Jack,
I'm alright. And here is your song, and it's called -

Peter: (accompanied on piano singing): One loan, to be my own, alone my
love, to find your caressing, songs divine, and you are mine, I wonder
how my love -

GRAMS: EXPLOSION FOLLOWED BY METAL HITTING GROUND

Wallace: We regret to announce the sudden death of the well-known BBC
tenor Webster Snobcule, the programme and the death were
recorded, the next programme follows in one second

Harry: Here is the next programme

Peter: With Patrick Sellers, Isaac Secombe and Tom Milligan we present

Harry: The Greatest Mountain in the World, or...

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORDS

Harry: I knew Fred Crute, or...

Peter: (high voice, maybe early Bluebottle) The Greatest Mountain in the
World

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC INTRODUCTION

Wallace: This story opens in the basement of a disused fish-squirting factory.
There, during a meeting, being held by the Royal Geographical and
Archaeological Society a member is concluding his speech.

Spike: (fade in) He's got one digging, one covering up, and one looking for
fresh places, and that's how King Tutan Khan's Tomb was discovered,
I thank you

Peter: Thank you, Sir Marty Mahweeler

Spike: I don't wish to know that

Peter: And now pray silence for the right and left honourable Sir Hairy
Seagoon, President of the Yong-Tid-Tiddle-I-Po, Honorary Parole
Prisoner and twice winner of the Dartmoor Escape Medal

Neddy: Thank you, gentlemen. Members, in view of Sir Edmund Hilary and
Tiger Tenzing's great achievement last year, I have decided to go one
better. I intend to climb the highest mountain in the world.

Peter: (politician voice) But it's already been climbed

Neddy: Ah ha ha, your thinking of the one Hilary and Tenzing climbed. Well
now, I have news for you, I have discovered a higher one

Peter: What is its name?

Neddy: Well, I can't keep this mountain a secret for ever, it's bound to leak
out eventually. I'll tell, and you're the first men to hear it. It's called
(dramatic voice) Mount Everest.

Spike: (Indian voice) Silence, silence there. But the mountain has already been
climbed, hooray.

Neddy: Climbed? Climbed? By whom?

Spike: Hilary and Tenzing

Peter: (Indian voice) My goodness, man

Neddy: So, they climbed Mount Everest as well. What a dirty trick! Never
mind, I will not be defeated by this dishonest stratagem. I will find a
higher mountain

Spike: (politician) Laughs wildly pronouncing each laugh individually, And
where are we going to find this higher mountain?

Neddy: Where? Well, I, er...I'll, er.....

Ray: Boss, boss

Neddy: What Ellington?

Ray: Why don't we build a higher mountain?

Neddy: Build our own mountain

Ray: Yeah

Neddy: What rubbish, get out!

GRAMS: DOOR SHUTS

Neddy: Has he gone?

Spike: Yes

Neddy: Good. Gentlemen, I have a brilliant idea, why don't we build our own
mountain?

Minnie: Bravo buddy, yeah buddy

Neddy: Thank you, buddy

Minnie: Okay, buddy

Neddy: Yes. Now where will we build this mountain?

Henry: incoherent ummmmms

Neddy: Yes, Mr. Crun?

Henry: I think we should build it in Hyde Park

Neddy: Why Hyde Park?

Henry: Well, it's handy for the busses and shops

Neddy: Hyde, er...yes...Hyde Park...yes...ummm....Any objections?

Spike: Ohhh yes! If we build this mountain on England, England would sink
under the weight

Neddy: Sink? In that case, this mountain would be invaluable, people could
climb up the side and save themselves from drowning

Spike: Mercy, you're right. Hurry and build it, before we all drown!

Neddy: Splendid. Who will second Mr. Crun's idea?

Henry: I will

Neddy: Anyone else?

Henry: Yes, me

Neddy: Excellent. Mr. Crun, your idea has won support

Henry: I thank them, (sings) I walk in the shadow

Neddy: Yes, I can see that. On Monday then we start cleaning Hyde Park.
Failing that we start on Monday. If not, in Hyde Park on Monday.
Meeting adjourned

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK

GRAMS: BULLDOZER SOUNDS

Wallace: Work began, and a great area in the park was cleared. The method
was very simple: one digging, one filling in and one looking for
fresh places.

Neddy: Foreman Scrumply!

Scrumply (Peter): jovial laughter, country farm fashion

Neddy: Glad to hear it. Now, did you drain the water from the serpentine?

Scrumply: Arrrr, an' we filled it in with solid concrete

Neddy: Concrete, good. That's very good!

Eccles: (singing as he enters) Oh what a beautiful morning, oh de dum de dum
de dum, be my love, when would your princess be burning, oh what
a beautiful morning

Neddy: Eccles, what are you doing?

Eccles: Having a good time

Neddy: Having a good time? How did you get that lump on your head?

Eccles: I just dived in the serpentine

Neddy: Dived in? You know it was solid concrete?

Eccles: No, but I know now. In any case, I wouldn't dare dive in a pool with
water in it?

Neddy: Why not?

Eccles: Can't swim

Henry: Oh, hello Lord Seagoon

Eccles: Hello

Henry: Look, look what I've got in this little box

Neddy: Oh, it's a little lump

Henry: Yes, a lump. I'll put it on the ground, there. Now, I'm going to make a
mountain out of that

Neddy: What is it?

Henry: (laughing to himself) A mole-hill (Eccles joins in laughter)

GRAMS: LORRY NOISES

Ray: Anyone about here?

Henry: Yes, us

Ray: What are you three laying down for?

Henry: A very good reason

Ray: What's that?

Henry: You've just run over us

Ray: Um, are you Mr. Crun?

Henry: Only just

Ray: Well, this parcel on my lorry is for you

Henry: Oh. That will be the mole for my mole-hill. Come on, help me lift it
down

FX: BOX BEING MOVED (Henry and Eccles struggle with it)

Henry: Good grief, it weighs a ton. Now, let's get the string cut. Eccles, the
scissors

Eccles: Okay, here we go

FX: STRING BEING CUT BEHIND ECCLES SPEAKING

Eccles: Oh de dum de dum de dum, a snip there, a snip there, and a bit there,
and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there, and a bit there. How's
that?

Henry: Very good, but I didn't want a haircut

FX: BOX BEING OPENED

Neddy: Ah, here he is, the mole

Eccles: Oh yeah, look at him, he must be hungry

Henry: Yes, here boy, here's a nice worm for you

Eccles: (Gulps) Thanks, any more?

Neddy: You idiot Eccles. That was for the mole you -

GRAMS: LION ROARS

Neddy: I say, are you...are you sure he is a mole?

Henry: Of course he's a mole, look here's the letter: "With Love to our dear
British friends from your pals the Egyptians", there!

Neddy: Hmmm

GRAMS: LION ROARS

Henry: If you don't believe me read the label around his neck as proof

Neddy: Alright, yes, it says: "L I O N", hmmm, "L I O N"? Mole? "L I O -

Henry: Well, what does it say?

Neddy: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Lion! It's a lion!

Henry: Oh, you silly man you. Ellington, do you think it's a lion?

Ray: (shouts in fear from a far distance) Yes!

GRAMS: LION ROARS DURING FOLLOWING SPEECHES

Henry: Ahhhhhhh!

Eccles: Oooooooooooh

Henry: Nice pussy! Puss, puss! Pussy, wussy, puss, puss! Here pussy, eat
this, it's all for you

Eccles: Put me down! Help!

GRAMS: FEET RUNNING AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE

Wallace: The Greatest Mountain In The World, end of Part One. Ices,
chocolates and Max Geldray

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA

Peter: The Greatest Mountain In The World, part Two. Now read on.

Wallace: Having escaped from the lion work went ahead on building the
mountain. Then, when it had reached a height of ten thousand feet,
disaster. At midnight, Crun was awakened

Harry: (strained voice) Pardon me, is this your mountain, sir?

Henry: Yes, I am part owner of it

Harry: It will have to come down, you know.

Henry: What?

Harry: It will have to come down. It will have to be dismantled

Henry: But...What? Who are you?

Harry: Facts: male, name Bogg F, secretenant ministry of works and housing,
section 9: "No mountain weighing more than 8 pounds 10 ounces and
measuring more than 20 feet may be built within a radius of Nelson's
Column."

Henry: What are you going to do?

Harry: Well, I'll just put these little sticks at the base of the mountain and light
the fuses, ay.

FX: MATCH BEING LIT

Henry: Is that all?

Harry: Yes, that's all, thank you. Well, I'd better be going now

Henry: Well goodnight, and a Merry Christmas

Harry: Thank you, and a Happy New Year to you

Henry: What a nice fellow. Now what are these two red sticks he's stuck in
here? Oh, there's writing on them. Er, Aaaaaaaaaah! Dynamite!
Heeeeeelp! Heeeeelp! (fading away into distance)

GRAMS: DYNAMITE FUSE SIZZLING (SOUNDS LIKE BACON IN
PAN)

Eccles: Hello? Hello ho ho ho? Did I hear someone calling? (sniffs) Hmmm,
something burning around here. Oooh, what a bit of luck! Two big
cigars and they're both lit. Hmmm, let's see, what brand are they
now? TNT brand. Hmmm, must be a new make. I'll take a puff on
one. (sucks). Hmmmm

GRAMS: SIZZLING STOPS, EXPLOSION

Eccles: Ummmm, strong! I'd better nip the other one out and save it for later.

Henry: Ahhh! The mountain's all gone! Oooooh Ellington!

Eccles: I aint Ellington

Henry: Hmmm? Oh no, you're not. Yours wipes off. Oh, it's Eccles! You're
Eccles

Eccles: Oh, pleased to meet you Eccles.

Henry: But the mountain, blown to pieces

Neddy: Oh, what's happened? Where's my mountain?

Henry: Gone! Destroyed! Smashed to pieces by the Ministry of Works

Neddy: We'll call an immediate meeting of the Royal Alpine Society

ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL LINK AND ALPINE SOCIETY THEME
TUNE

Spike: incoherent speech (such phrases as "I have never...")

Everyone: Here here, bravo

Neddy: Well gentlemen, Lord Elpus has made it quite clear. We have no
option. We have to start building another mountain in another country.
I therefore call upon Major Bloodnok for advice.

Major: Ah Ha Ha! Ha Ha Ha! (grunts) Ha Ha Ha! And other disgusting noises!
Gentlemen, I have the answer to this problem.

Minnie: Bravo buddy!

Major: Silence, Miss Bannister, or I'll mugle your crampons with me griff club

Minnie: Ooooooooooh!

Major: Now to biz. Mount Everest, it's 5 miles high isn't it? Yes?

Harry: Yes

Major: But it measures 12 miles across the bottom

Neddy: Well?

Major: Well? All we need to do is tip Mount Everest on its side and we'll
have a mountain 12 miles high

Neddy: How do you intend tipping Mount Everest on its side?

Major: Well, isn't it obvious?

Neddy: No

Major: Then I have another idea. Why don't we saw the top off Everest, insert
a portion of some other mountain underneath, thus rising Everest
another hundred feet

Neddy: Uuuuuum, no, that would be cheating and against the International
Alpine law

Major: Gentlemen

Peter: Oooooh! Might I interpose? (Harry does a raspberry) Thank you. I know
of a mountain that is higher than Mount Everest

Eccles: Oooooooh!

Neddy: Well said Eccles

Peter: This mountain is 33,000 feet high

Neddy: And it's name?

Peter: Fred. Mount Fred. There is, however, one snag. It is under the sea, 300
kilguri fathoms down

Neddy: Well, it's worth a try, hands up those in favour.Well now gentlemen it
is decided we sail on an expedition ship to locate the sunken
mountain Ellington?

Ray: (exaggerated upper class English accent): Er, yes, dear boy?

Neddy: Clear the decks

Ray: At your leisure

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET

Peter: The Mighty Mountain, part Three. Read on

Neddy: We fitted out a magnificent expedition vessel. To make the ship safe
we sent it by boat. And soon we hope to above the mighty Mount
Fred

GRAMS: OARS IN WATER

Henry: Lower the anchor

Eccles: Okay

GRAMS: SPLASH

Henry: Shouldn't it have had a chain attached to it?

Eccles: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it couldn't have been a very good anchor

Henry: Why not?

Eccles: It sank, didn't it?

Wallace: Ah, Major, sir. Your secret deep sea observation batasphere the X9
is ready to be lowered over the side

Major: Well I'm afraid we can't use it, you see there's a slight technical fault

Wallace: What's that?

Major: The whole thing's useless. However I found another method of making
false meat balls

Neddy: False meat balls?

Major: Yes

Neddy: Major Bloodnok, we have not come 6,000 miles out here with all this
ultra-modern submarine equipment and diving apparatus equipped for
deep sea mountain climbing to make false meat balls

Major: And why not?

Neddy: Because we've come to climb the highest undersea mountain in the
world

Major: Strice me dongler and hell me iron thudders, what blasted idiot thought
of that?

Neddy: You did, sir

Major: What a brilliant idea!

Ray: Er, may I interrupt you for a second?

Major: Yes, what do you want?

Ray: Nothing, I just want to interrupt

Major: Get out of here you naughty little boy, you! Oh, you naughty little
thing!

Neddy: Major

Major: What?

Neddy: According to our calculations we are almost above Mount Fred

Major: Then action!

Everyone: mumbles and talks amongst themselves

Major: Men, to climb this under water giant we shall need the following:
Alpine stocks, ski's, rope, crampons, crevices, grappling irons and
tents

Neddy: Tents? But this climb is under water!

Major: Thud me you're right! Include umbrellas, raincoats and Miss Myrtle
Penelope Dimple

Neddy: What's she for?

Major: I like the woman

Neddy: How are we going to carry all the heavy equipment?

Major: Camels

Neddy: Camels? Camels live under water? That's mad!

Major: Of course it is, only mad camels could live under water. We're in
condition tonight. Do you think I am crazy?

Neddy: Yes

Major: What a splendid judge of character this fellow is. Now what's this? Ah!
Yes, provisions. Most important, paraffin cookers for cooking
paraffin.

Neddy: You can't cook under water

Major: Of course not, we shall surface for all meals, you understand. And
now, how far is it to the base of the mountain? Er, get ready all you
climbers! (Spike gurgles)

Neddy: Er, how do you intend getting down to the mountain

Major: Quite simple, one digging, one filling in and one - no, no, no, I mean,
er, I mean my famous fireman system, we lower a greasy pole over
the ship's side and we all dive down to the mountain top and plant the
British flag

Neddy: No, no, no. That would never do

Major: What?

Neddy: That would be a foul. You can't climb down to get to the top of a
mountain. The International Alpine Club categorically states that all
mountains must be climbed up to get to the top

Major: Crudge my siston with galloping crabs, you mean we've got to climb
to the bottom and then climb up again?

Neddy: Yes

Major: (Gasps) Thud. How far is it to the very bottom?

Neddy: Approximately 3 miles, to be exact 3 miles.

Major: Much too far to walk, everyone in the car we'll drive down. Ellington,
away we go

Ray: Right.

GRAMS: CAR STARTS AND ZOOMS AWAY FOLLOWED BY
SPLASH AND BUBBLING

Wallace: To enable the story of the underwater epic to continue the BBC have
installed microphones at the base camp of Mount Fred on the North
Col and the summit. Now read on.

GRAMS: CAR RUNNING SMOOTHLY AS BLOODNOK SPEAKS

Major: Stop the car!

GRAMS: CAR BRAKES AS CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT

Major: We're lost, lost! Lord Seagoon, ask a native where we are.

Neddy: Right, sir. I'll knock on this oyster

FX: KNOCKING FOLLOWED BY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

GRAMS: OYSTER OPENS LIKE A RUSTY DOOR

Minnie: Yes?

Neddy: Oh, is Pearl in?

Minnie: No, no, no. Pearl isn't in, but I'm her mother

Neddy: Of course, you must be Mother of Pearl (laughs at his own joke)

Minnie: Yes, yes. What do you want buddy?

Neddy: Could you direct me to Mount Fred?

Minnie: I'm a stranger around here buddy

Neddy: You'll regret this buddy, (Minnie argues during this speech) you can't
trifle with the British Empire buddy, (both go on arguing ending each
sentence in "Buddy")

Major: Come on Seagoon, stop arguing, don't argue. Get in. Drive on
Ray.

Ray: Okay

Eccles: Hey, look what I met, an octopus

Major: Well don't stop to shake hands or we'll be here all day. Drive on Ray

Ray: Okay again

GRAMS: CAR STARTS AND ZOOMS OFF INTO DISTANCE
FADING AWAY

Major: He should have waited for us!

Neddy: Yes, now we're hopelessly lost

Major: Lost! Rubbish! I know exactly here we are

Neddy: Where?

Major: Here

Neddy: I do believe you're right, I do believe so. Nevertheless someone must
surface and see where we are. Now let me see, who shall it be,
(calling) Bluebottle

Bluebottle: I heard you calling me my Cap-i-tain. I heard you call me. England
expects. Sticks hand up jumper in Lord Nelson pose. Moves left
stage way.

Neddy: Bluebottle, I ant you to get to the surface

Bluebottle: Okay, surface it shall be, I shall sur-face. Quickly puts on Elsie
sea men's night only bathing draws. I am ready cap-tain. Pray
tell me, how do I get to the top-ed.

Neddy: Just grab the horn of this submerged mine

Bluebottle: Oh jolly good. (struggles and gulps) 'Ere, do not mines go off
bang?

Neddy: Of course not, do your duty Bluebottle

Bluebottle: I knew it was safe for me to do my duty Bluebottle. Moves
forward over to mine. Grabs hold of horn, very gently. Ahhh, it
is safe. I did not believe you at first, but now I know that -

GRAMS: EXPLOSION FOLLOWED BY TELEPHONE RINGING

Neddy: Hello?

Bluebottle: (on other end of phone) You rotten swine, you! Oh, you have
deaded me again. Oh, struck down in my prime. Farewell I say.
Pushes button B. Gets money back, exits to NAAFI before tea

Neddy: I've...I've deaded him.

Eccles: Ooooooooh!

Neddy: I'll have to tell his mother

Eccles: Yeah, that will cheer her up, yeah

Henry: Lord Seagoon

Neddy: Oh, it's Marilyn Monroe

Eccles: Oooooooooooooh! Here, here! OOoooh!

Henry: Get your hands away from me Eccles

Neddy: Mr. Crun! How can I mistake you for Marilyn Monroe?

Henry: I got air bubbles in the seat of my trousers

Neddy: I see

Henry: Now I've come down to tell you that the explosion has blown Mount
Fred to bits

Neddy: What? Oh, curse! The only mountain taller than Everest and we
Georgey would! Oh, that's ruined our chances (sobbing)

Eccles: Oh, never mind. Never mind. Never mind. Here, here, here, steady,
have a cigar

Neddy: Thanks

Eccles: It's one I got from that Ministry of Works fellow

Neddy: Hmmmm, strong aren't they?

Eccles: Yeah

GRAMS: EXPLOSION

Wallace: We regret to announce the death of Lord Seagoon, Mr. Crun and
Eccles. The programme was recorded. Good night.

Eccles: Yeah, good night folks, Have a good time.

Wallace: You're supposed to be deaded

Eccles: No, I'm not deaded

Bluebottle: Hurry up and be deaded and then you can go home for tea

Neddy: Yeah, come on Eccles be deaded

Eccles: No, I'm not going to be deaded

Neddy: Bluebottle and Eccles: argue fiercely until the music overpowers
them

ORCHESTRA: PLAYOUT THEME TUNE

Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray, the Orchestra was conducted by Wally
Scott , script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade,
the programme produced by Peter Eton. It is now proven that the
cast was all deaded. The London Palladium is now appearing in
Argyll Street, Argyll Street is also appearing there. Philip Harbon
has not been properly deaded, neither has Kay Hammond. Now
read on.

ORCHESTRA, MAX GELDRAY AND RAY ELLINGTON PLAY OUT