THE CASE OF THE MUKKINESE BATTLE-HORN
transcribed by Brian "African-American Goon Hern(AAGH!)" Phillips with
corrections by John Elliott.
A Kingsley-Union Films Release
Peter Sellers in
The Case of the Mukkinese Battle-Horn
Film Editor...Ferrie(?) Muldoon
Jan Pennington, Harry Booth, Michael Deeley
"In the wonder of Schizophreniscope, the new Split Screen."
(Over an incredibly foggy screen, we hear coughing.)
CHILDREN'S BOOK NARRATOR-TYPE HERN: London. Yes, London. Who can fail
to recognize the city's great landmarks? Here, in Trafalgar Square, for
instance, there is Nelson's Column. And even in the worst fog, you
cannot miss Nelson's Column.
GRAMS: Car skids and Crashes
CBN Hern: You see? There's someone not missing it now! But there is one
famous London landmark that anyone could miss, tucked away in a little
(Fog clears to reveal a large building.)
CBN Hern: Recognize it? Scotland Yard. Scotland Yard is the
headquarters of the CID. The Criminal Investigation Department of the London
Police. Let us take a look at the world-famous CID at work
through the medium of a true real-life case; a factual
documentary record straight from the files of Scotland Yard.
( A file is removed from a file cabinet that reads, "The Case of the
Mukkinese Battle-Horn". Fade to a museum case that says "Mukkinese
CBN Hern: Yes, the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
(A brick shatters the glass case in which the Horn is contained. A hand
comes into the frame, removes the brick, and we hear hurried footsteps
running away. Then we hear them coming back. Someone's hand replaces
the brick and very noisily removes the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.)
Standard Hern(Shall be henceforth known as Hern): The fact was not
discovered until the following morning.
Old Museum Guard:(GRAMS Extremely fast--paced music) Get..me...Scotland...Yard.
Hern: Within minutes of the report of the burglary, Scotland Yard's Ace
Detective, Superintendent Quilt. (Car pulls up and out of frame, backs up
into frame and stops in front of museum. Quilt(Sellers) gets out, all the
time scolding driver. Sellers' garb should be familiar to anyone who has
seen him as Inspector Clouseau. Quilt opens trunk, to let out Detective
Woman Constable: Good morning, sir.
Quilt: Good morning, Constable. Where's the body?
Woman Constable: Body, sir? Oh, there's no body here.
Quilt: You mean...we're alone?(romantic music plays and fades).
Hern: Wasting no time, Superintendent Quilt and Sergeant Brown began a
thorough search for clues.
Brown: Look, sir! (points down) An impression of a heel!
Quilt: Very clever, Brown. We haven't time for your impressions now.
Brown: Thank you, sir.
(Quilt walks to another room)
Quilt: I say, you there, are you the body?
Noddule: No, are you?
Quilt: Oh, no. I'm Superintendent Quilt of Scotland Yard.
Noddule: Delighted to meet you. My name's Noddule, I'm a curator here.
Quilt: How do you do?
Noddule: Ha, ha, how do you do? (They shake hands)
Quilt: Give me my glove, will you?
Noddule: Yes, of course.
Quilt: (Looks past Noddule) Hello?
Noddule: Hello? I thought we just met.
Quilt: What have we got over here? (Walks over to the smashed case) What's
all this about, eh?
Noddule: That? Oh, we just had a robbery last night.
Quilt: Anything stolen? (picks up card and recites) "Metropolitan Museum,
Mukkinese Battle Horn, 9th-century copper inlaid with rubies and emeralds."
(lifts the display window-smashing-type brick) You've been swindled, old man.
Quilt: This is an ordinary house brick.
Noddule: I know. The Mukkinese Battle-Horn has been stolen.
Quilt : What? (Drops brick on Noddule's foot)
Quilt: I must warn you that anything that you say can and will be taken down
and used in evidence against you. Sgt. Brown?
Brown: Yes, sir?
Quilt: Make a note of that.
Brown: Right, sir.
(Both of them speak in rapid-fire, simultaneous police-type banter)
Quilt: Have you got all that?
Brown: No, sir!
Quilt: Good! You know, Noddule, it strikes me as very, very fishy why the
thief chose this Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing when there was all these
other rare and valuable items lying around.
Quilt: Mm-hmm. Such as those golden slave bangles.
Noddule: By Jove, you're right!
Noddule: He could have easily nicked one of those Chinese jade ornaments.
Noddule: Or even this(points and walks). This Priceless Grecian vase(which he
knocks over with his outstretched finger). Botheration! Cleggett!
Nip 'round to Woolworth's and get me one of those priceless Grecian
vases, will you?(Cleggett exits)
Quilt: Mr. Noddule, can you give me a full description of the Mukkinese
Noddule: Description? I can do better than that. (yells off-camera) Cleggett!
Noddule: Bring in the other Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
Noddule: This one was one of a pair. Supposed to be he only identical pair in
Quilt: Come now then, Noddule! Do you take me for a raving idiot?(Cleggett
wheels in the other horn) I'm an officer of the Police Force and
I...(Noddule, Brown and Quilt turn to see the horn)
Quilt, Noddule and Brown: AAGH!
Quilt: So, um...this is it?
Noddule: Yes. This is it.
Brown: It sort of looks like a trumpet, sir.
Noddule: With a little more plumbing, of course.
Quilt: Look, um, tell me one thing.
Quilt: What are these holes?
Noddule: I'm glad you mentioned those. They help to change the pitch of
Quilt: I see.
Noddule: Now this one here, this one here is for D-Sharp...
Quilt: That's rather ingenious.
Noddule: Yes, yes, yes. And that one there is for A-Flat.
Brown: Terribly stunning.(pointing to another spot on the horn) What’s that there for!?
Noddule: Used razor blades.
Brown: Mr. Noddule, you're trying to be funny, sir.
Noddule: (to camera) Aren't we all?
Hern: (Car drives up) Soon the various experts from the CID began appearing
on the scene. At 11:10, the police photographers arrived. (Police are seen
posing for a family portrait-type shot) Photographed the police, and hurried
away again. At 11:30, Quilt began his interrogation of witnesses and
Quilt: Send in the night watchman, Jay Smith.
1st constable: Calling Jay Smith!
(From a sarcophagus comes Spike Milligan. The Smith character is essentially
Smith: Hellooo! OOooh. Fine, fine, fine. (Sings) "Everything's going to
be fine..."(he is manhandled by a constable). Oh, here, what’re you
doing? Lemme go! Lemme go, now! Take your feet(?) off me! (Looks around
Quilt: Are you Jay Smith?
Smith: (nods in assent) Nope, nope.
Quilt: He's not Jay Smith, Brown!
Smith: (to constable) He’s not Jay Smith-Brown.
Quilt: That's not Brown!
Smith: That's not Brown.
Quilt: Where were you on the night of the seventeenth?
Smith(to Quilt): I was at the pictures. (to Constable), I WAS AT THE
PICTURES! (to Quilt) BANG! A car went bang, bang, bang, wit-tidda-dum,
Quilt: What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
Smith: What ABOUT the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?
Quilt: It's been stolen!
Smith: Oooh, (to Constable) it's been stolen.
Quilt: Constable, get this idiot out of here!
Smith: Get this idiot out of here!(Constable removes Smith, amid Smith's
Quilt: Next witness! I won't stand for it! I'll show you! Next witness,
Constable. 1st Constable: Right, sir. Next witness!
Brown: This is the janitor(?), sir.
Quilt: Mr. Crimpe, would you like to tell us your story?
Crimpe: (Sounding much like Willium "Mate" Cobblers, but not played by
Sellers) Yes, sir. Well, I was proceeding in an orderly manner towards the
main gate in order to lock up...
Crimpe: When suddenly, someone jumps out and wallops me on me 'ead.
Wallop, wallop, wallop, on me 'ead. I turns 'round and wallop, wallop,
wallop again! Quilt: Incredible.
Crimpe: Down I goes I goes and wallop, wallop, wallop on me 'ead again!
Then, just as I start to get up, wallop, wallop, wallop...!
Quilt: On your head?
Crimpe: No, sir. Wallop...
Quilt: Hmm...Wallop. Tell me, Mr. Crimpe, did you notice anything peculiar
about these men?
Crimpe: Yes, sir.
Crimpe: They kept wallopin' me on me 'ead.
Quilt: I see. Is there anything else?
Crimpe: (Takes off his hat to reveal a large bandage) Yes, sir. Could I
have an aspirin?
Quilt: Constable, look after Mr. Crimpe, would you?
Crimpe: Thank you very much, sir. (leaves with 2nd Constable)
1st Constable: Next witness! (a Veronica Lake-type blonde woman walks up to
Brown: (smitten) The next witness is waiting, sir.
Quilt: (looking down at the desk)Fine, Brown. Now then, sire...(Camera,
mimicking Quilt's eyes, takes a long, languorous pan of the woman's
figure after which, Quilt is equally smitten) where were you on the night of
VLB Woman: Don't you remember?
Quilt: (eyes still locked on Woman)Have you got all that down, Brown?
Brown: Yes, sir!
Quilt: Well, rub it out again, would you?
Hern: Lieutenant Quilt hurried back to Scotland Yard and within minutes of
his arrival, the well-oiled machinery of the CID sprang into action. (At the
CID, someone is riding an exercise bicycle which seems to supply the power to
the dispatcher's phone set. The bike rider and the dispatcher are both
dressed in nightshirts and nightcaps.
Dispatcher: Calling patrol car 11D, calling car 11D! Urgent Turn left into
Oxford Street and head west, turn left into Oxford Street and head west.
Calling car 5K, car 5K, turn right into Oxford Street and head due east, turn
right into Oxford...
GRAMS Car skid and crash.
Dispatcher: Calling ambulance one-seven, calling ambulance one-seven...
CUT TO: Newsreel of an Army marching.
Hern: The search continued. During the afternoon, several arrests were made.
CUT TO: Night scene. It is foggy and two lovers are gazing into each other's
Hern: With nightfall, the weather took a turn for the worse. But, even in the
darkest, foggiest street, London's indomitable police searched on,
stopping late wayfarers and ruthlessly
questioning them. Constable: Hey! Hey, you two!
Male Wayfarer: Uh, yeah?
Constable: Can you tell me the way to the police station?
Male Wayfarer: Just over there.
Constable: Thank you. (exits, with his arms outstretched, like a
GRAMS Shout and fall into the water.
Female Wayfarer: Darling, how romantic! We must be by the river.
(CUT TO: Police station, officer walks in with stack of papers.)
Hern: By noon the following day, vast amounts of vital evidence were pouring in.
(Officer with large amount of papers drops an envelope on the desk of Quilt and walks away
with the stack of papers. Brown scans the envelope with a magn
Brown: It's a letter, sir.
(There is a break in my print of the film here.)
Quilt: Now let's see what this letter's all about. shall we? Hello! It's a
report from the police laboratory.
Brown: Really, sir?
Quilt: Yes. Let's see. (reading)"Analysis of fluff taken from night
watchman's trouser cuff. Discovered were fragments of wool, cotton, fine ash
from Turkish-type cigarette, particles of dried mud from a Limestone district
and a quantity of low-grade industrial soot of coal dust.
Brown: Really, sir? And what was the analysis' conclusion?
Quilt: "This suit needs cleaning."
Quilt : File that will you Brown?
Brown: At once, sir!
(Brown stretches out the hand that holds the report. Brown takes out a nail
file and uses it on Quilt's hand.)
GRAMS: Knock on door.
(Amidst piano music best suited for silent era films, a man with a mustache
and hat enters the room. The following sequence is rendered in title cards.)
Burkington: Good Morning.
(Gesticulates as if speaking for two people; the "Two" of them have a mock
sword fight between them and then bows.) I am Catchpole Burkington, famous
star of the silent films.
(Quilt and Brown look at each other, with some astonishment. Quilt moves his
mouth to speak, but finds no sound is coming out. They decide to write out
what they want to say.)
Quilt's note: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Burkington: (via title card) I've called for my Unemployment money.
(Quilt writes out another sign)
Quilt's note: "THE LABOUR EXCHANGE IS NEXT DOOR!! --->"
When Burkington looks tragic, music becomes deeply moving to match.
Burkington realises his mistake; music changes to "Thine be the Glory". As
he overacts his way out, he manages to walk into a cupboard marked "Disguises"
rather than the door. When he emerges, he is dressed in a bathing costume;
he shades his eyes and scans the horizon. Music changes to "Rule Britannia".
He returns to the cupboard and emerges in his original suit and takes a
deep bow. The music reaches a heroic climax...While he is bent over, the
Constable with the stack of papers trips over him, with appropriate music.
An Announcer: We interrupt our story to bring you a word from Mr. Maurice
Ponque: My name is Maurice Ponque...and I live in a little log cabin in
Picadilly. Last night, I left a burning cigarette by my bedside and the
'ole place burnt down. And the night before last, my fire insurance run
out...and we did not get a penny. My, how we did laugh, heh-heh, when we,
heh-heh heard about it.
Announcer: Mr. Ponque has nothing to do with our story. We though you might
like to see what a real idiot sounds like.
SCENE: Man reclining on a sofa holding a cigarette in a holder. This is
intercut with Quilt at the station house.
Hern: Six months later. The public are pressing for an early arrest.
The assistant commissionaire, Sir Jervis Fruit(this character speaks with
Grytpype-Thynne's voice) rings Superintendent Quilt with an inquiry.
Fruit: Hello, Quilt. Have you a light?
Quilt: A light? Certainly sir. (Quilt holds a lighter up to the
receiver, which lights the cigarette at the other end)
Fruit: Thank you.
Quilt: All right, sir.
Fruit: Quilt, about this Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing, something must be
done, you know.
Fruit: Quilt, I want you to call at every music shop and pawn shop,
masquerading as a musician inquiring for a Mukkinese Battle-Horn. Have
you got that?
Quilt: Yes sir, yes, yes.
Fruit: Good. What ever you do, take every precaution and don't get
yourself killed. Oh, I don't know, though.
(A rock flies through Quilt's window)
Quilt: What was that? What was that Brown? Brown, what is that?
Brown: (looking at the rock through his spyglass) It's a magnifying
Quilt: Control, Brown, control!
Brown: A stone! With a message tied to it.
Quilt: What does it say?
Brown: (reads note) "Fred Smith, Window Repair"
Quilt: (reading same note) "14A Hurling Street".
Brown: Why, that's 14A Hurling Street's address!
Quilt: Yes, and no more than a stone's throw from here. Brown, we'll
start our search there. (Brown puts on a hat that is too large for him and
(Several shots of the three brass balls (which signify a pawnbroker's shop)
outside different shops).
Brown and Quilt are outside a store.
(We see the three brass balls, then pan down to reveal a fourth. Hence...)
Quilt: Business must be good.
(The door is marked "Musical Instruments". They knock.)
Quilt: Business must be good.
Brown: Yes, Sire.
Quilt:(Quilt knocks again, impatiently.) Come on!
Crun: (inside the shop) Puss, pussy, pussy, kitty, kitty. Come on out of
there you naughty little Dibble.(Knocking is continuous throughout this scene.)
Minnie: Henryyy! Henryyy!
Crun: Come on, Dibbles.
Crun: What is it Minnie? I...
Minnie: Henry, there's someone knocking at the door!
Crun: What, what is..., what is...
Minnie: Knicky, knacky, knocky at the door!
Crun: Minnie, I can't hear what you're saying for that knocking noise!
Minnie: Tell them to stop that knocking!
Crun: I can't hear you! Mnk, ngk...
Brown: Did someone (unintelligible)?
Crun: (goes to door and answers it) Good evening. Won't you please come in?
Quilt: Brown, this may be dangerous. I want you to stick around here and
keep your eyes open.
Brown: Right, sir.
Quilt: Don't forget, Brown. Keep a sharp watch out.
Brown: All right, sir. (Quilt enters shop) Good evening.
Crun: Good, mm, good evening.
Quilt: Uh, I'm think of taking up music and I'm looking for a Mukkinese
Battle-Horn. Crun: You can't get them, you know.
Quilt: Um, why not?
Crun: You, mnk, can't get the wood, you know.
Quilt: I see.
Crun: Poor old Molly Gnasher.
Quilt: What about her?
Crun: She couldn't get the wood either.
Quilt: Perhaps some other time. Well, good night.
Crun: Good...nnn...good night. (Quilt leaves. A door opens at the other end
of the shop. Brown and Quilt hide behind a corner. The VLB woman is seen
leaving the shop.)
VLB Woman: Good night, Mother.
Minnie: Good night, darling. Don't be late now.
Brown: Good heavens, sir! Isn't that the lady you questioned at the
museum, don't you think? (They set out after her.)
(CUT TO: A sign that reads "Maxie's Club")
Hern: The mysterious blonde led Quilt and Brown to Maxie's Club. A
notorious hangout of London's Underworld.
Quilt: Brown? I want you to get a message through to Scotland Yard to say
that we're coming here and...(A Speakeasy-type sliding peep door opens
up. Behind it is Maxie, a man with a beard, moustache and sunglasses.)
Quilt: I haven't knocked yet.
Maxie: Sorry (Closes peep door).
Maxie: (opens peep door) Yeah?
Quilt: Are you Mr. Maxie?
Maxie: Such is my name.
Quilt: I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Such. Will Mr. Maxie be along?
Maxie: I AM Mr. Maxie.
Quilt: Then you weren't very long, were you? We were wondering if we
could get into your club here.
Maxie: You were wondering if you could get into my club here?
Quilt: Why not?
Maxie: This is a specially-fitted, double-strength, armor-plated door and
nobody can get through it.
Quilt: Then how did you get in?
Maxie: Easy. I came through there. (They all walk over to a Western-style
Quilt: Cunning, very cunning. (A man flies head first through the door out
into the street.) Anyone we know?
Brown: No, sir.
Brown: Yes, sir?
Quilt: You'd better stick around and see what clues you can find.
Brown: Very good, sir.
(Loud, jazzy music is playing. Quilt walks into the club, the music stops
and all eyes are focused on him. Quilt sits down next to the VLB woman,
whom he does not notice and removes his hat. The revelry resumes. The
light dims and an exotic dancer with a veil moves seductively to some
Pseudo-Eastern music. Quilt appears most interested. The dancer moves closer
Quilt: Oh, beauteous one. Oh, fairest of the fair! Sublime siren! Exquisite
enchantress. What are you doing in a low hovel like this?
Dancer(Jay Smith): I gotta make a living too, y'know.
Quilt: Why, your not a girl, you're a man!
Smith: I know that! But don't tell the manager.
Quilt: Why not!?
Smith: We're engaged.
Quilt: I...see it all now.
Smith: You can't! I haven't taken off the veils yet. Ha, haaa, ahee,
ahigh, ahoo! (he covers Quilt's face with a veil and runs off. Quilt
puts on his hat over the veil)
Brown: Yes, sir?
Quilt: Where are you?
Brown: Where are you, sir? (Even though they are next to each other, they
look around, unable to locate the other)
Quilt: I'm behind this curtain, Brown. (Brown removes the veil from Quilt)
Brown: Good heavens, sir! What a brilliant place to hide!
Quilt: Thank you, Brown.
Brown: By the way, sir, that dancer...
Brown: Wasn't that the man you interrogated at the museum, sir?
Quilt: Yes. I'm finally beginning to see the whole sinister plot.
Brown” What do you mean, sir?
Quilt: I'll show you. Waiter!
Waiter: Yes, sir?
Quilt: Bring me the manager.
Maxie: Somebody call?
Quilt: Yes. First the night watchman and then...(pulls off the glasses and
fake beard on Maxie.)
Brown: Good heavens, sir! The curator of the museum!
Quilt: Yes! Alias Doublegainer(Doppleganger?) Wormscrew, head of an
international ring of Mukkinese Battle-Horn smugglers!
DW(Maxie): Curses! Unmasked! (Turns away) Waiter! (exits)
Brown: Be careful, sir! This might be a devilish trick! (The waiter
arrives with a bowl of soup, from which DW(Maxie) removes a gun. The
Quilt: Gad! Minestrone!
Brown: (runs his finger over the top of the barrel of the gun and licks his
finger) And no salt!
Quilt: Brown! Quick, Brown! (Brown opens his jacket to reveal two sheathed
swords. Quilt takes one) The eleventh hour, but nevertheless in the nick
DW(Maxie): Bah! Outwitted by a neat and audacious trick! (To faciltate
Quilt's fighting, Brown lifts off Quilt's hat)
Brown: Come!(unitelligible) (DW and Quilt begin to duel gun-to-sword)
(The duel continues. Quilt pours ketchup on DW's right arm.)
DW(Maxie): Oh, BLOOD! (Faints)
Quilt: There! That's put an end to your...(untelligible). Nothing can save
you now. Not al the king's horses, not all the king's men!
(Through the swinging doors, three men in musketeer outfits appear.)
Musketeer 1: Defend the King(Rent the King?)!
All 3 Musketeers: Defend the King!
(They cross their swords and then charge Quilt, swords pointing forward.)
Quilt: Brown, help me!
Brown: (jumping in with a drawn sword) Excalibur!
Quilt: Down with the...(Unitelligible. Larky? Lurgi?) Have at you! (A
full-blown melee' ensues.)
DW(Maxie): (still on the floor) I'm dying! I'm dying! I don't want to die!
CUT TO: VLB woman dueling Quilt.
Brown: Yes, sir?
Quilt: Who is this girl?
Brown: That's the producer's girlfriend, sir.
Brown: (in an overdubbed voice, to camera) You think I'm kidding?
DW(Maxie): (still on the floor) But I'm gonna die! It's in the script!
I'm dying! I...I...oh, what a wonderful world we live in!
Quilt: (taking a short break from fencing) It's all rather confusing,
really. (resumes fencing)
DW(Maxie): (STILL on the floor, getting an eyeful of the VLB woman's legs) No,
I don't! I want to live! Yes, I want to live!
Brown: By the way, sir. Did you turn that gas off?
Quilt: Yes. They can't win! The poor fools just can't win!
(A huge explosion blows Quilt and Brown out of the club.) I fear that taught
them a lesson, Brown?
Quilt: By Jove, yes, sir! (Brown's hat falls at Brown's feet. Quilt
retrieves it and Brown puts it on) Thank you. (The strains of a mournful
horn is heard in the distance. They get up.) Thank goodness I've got
you Brown. It would take a Superman to evade those eagle eyes of yours.
Brown: Thank you, sir.
Quilt: Come lad, we must try and find the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.
Brown: Right, sir!
Quilt: Whoever stole it won't get away, Brown. (They walk down the
street and a gentleman is playing an instrument so homely and serpentine, it
can't be anything other than the Mukkinese Battle-Horn. It the source of
the aformentioned mournful music. They look at the musician for a while.
They look at his sign, which reads, "Ex-Mukkinese serviceman. Please
Quilt: Poor devil. Give him a couple of coins, Brown. (They walk off) Yes,
Brown, arrest everyone...(The horn player stops playing, looks in their
direction and begins playing again.)
"The End" appears on the screen mirror-image backwards. It is pulled
away, as a slide would be and is righted to read "The End")
ALTERNATE ENDING: In another version, the end credits (list those not
appearing, which include Fred Nurke and Jim Pills) are overdubbed with Min &
Henry still shouting at each other.*
*A gracious tip of the hat to John Elliott for information and correction
on this sequence.