Series 5, Episode 11, Broadcast 7 December 1954
The Spanish Suitcase
Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service
Grytpype: Oh dear!
Wallace: Never-the-less, this is the BBC Home Service, my almamata!
Harry: That ol of ols can only herald the coming of the highly esteemed
GRAMS: PANIC STRICKEN AUDIENCE RUNNING OUT, DOOR
Harry: Who unlocked the doors? Mr. Greenslade, emergency music!
GRAMS: "THE ARCHERS" THEME TUNE AND ANIMAL NOISES
Harry: Stop! (GRAMS stop) I knew that would get them back in. Heads above
the trough! (country accent) Now then, Dan Greenslade, me dear, tell
'em as 'ow we're going to be doing that there Goon Show. I'll be off to
mend my tractor
Wallace: (country accent) Aaaaah, aaalright me own dear Ned Archer, I
reckon as all we'll be having a ripe harvest of compost from 'im
Wallace and Harry: Aaaaaah!
Peter: (woman) Hello you two, still arguing about the old cow?
Peter: Where's Daddy?
Wallace: Well he were asking if them beams up in the barn were strong
Harry: Ay, he asked I that, he did, he asked I that then he went up there with a
coil of rope and a noose around his neck
Peter: No no, he - oh look!
GRAMS: "THE ARCHERS" END THEME TUNE
Peter: (himself) Easy money!
Harry: (himself) Right, Greenslade, off with that there dumb smock and into a
Wallace: (himself) Right sir. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is -
Harry: Mr. Greenslade, how many words have you said up to now?
Wallace: Oh, about two dozen?
Harry: Hmm, well, carry on for a bit
Wallace: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight -
Harry: Stop! That's your lot. Ladies and Gentlepong, tonight's drama takes
place in Spain, the famous Spanish land.
ORCHESTRA: GRAND OPENING
Peter: (Spanish) It is the summer of 1802, there in Madrid a young semi-
human lord is on vacation.
GRAMS: SPANISH CROWD SCENE AND MUSIC QUIETLY
Neddy: Ah yes, how I love the music of the banjo! As I sat there, I was
spellbound by the Spanish dancer. the flash of her dazzling teeth as
she swirled and gyrated to the throbbing beat of the Flamingo. Unable
to contain myself, I sprang into the middle of the floor, tore off my
clothes and did: the Palais Glide! (GRAMS stop)
Spike: Not a pretty sight!
Wallace: My name is Wallace Greenslade, I was in Spain at the time and the
next morning I saw Ned Seagoon exhausted by his night of
sensuous Morris dancing, sitting on his big white-washed hacienda
Spike: Still not a pretty sight!
Neddy: I sat there sipping a glass of coal and scrumming a stropper when a
brown hand fell on my shoulder
Moriarty: Ah, pardon me, but did a brown hand just fall on your shoulder?
Neddy: Is it yours?
Moriarty: Yes, thank you
Moriarty: Ol! garbled French
Neddy: I gave him a guarded oui!
Moriarty: So, the senr is a foreigner!
Neddy: I beg your pardon!? I'm British!
Moriarty: I know, but this is Madrid
Neddy: Ha ha ha! A natural mistake, there are so many foreigners here that
you took mistook me for one
Moriarty: Ol! My name is Count Moriarty, Inspector of the Carbioneri,
Spanish police, you understand?
Neddy: I understand
Moriarty: Yes. I am looking for clues in the recent jewel robbery at the
Castello de Berkoff, senr
Neddy: Ah yes, quite a bit of jewellery lost I believe
Moriarty: Yes, I might say that whoever planned the robbery must have been a
man of the highest intelligence with the courage of a liar
Neddy: So you suspect me
Moriarty: Ol! A Britisher has already been incasseroled in the Madrid jail,
and sentenced to 94 years, senr
Neddy: So he was found guilty, ey?
Moriarty: I don't know, they haven't tried him yet
Neddy: Do you think they suspect him?
Moriarty: That's difficult to say
Neddy: "Do you think they suspect him?" It is a bit hard to say, yes; you try it
Moriarty: Yes. Do-you-think-they-sus-pect-him?
Neddy: Of course they suspect him
Neddy: Why, he's even been sentenced to 94 years in jail!
Moriarty: Caramba! How did you hear this?
Neddy: Two little things called ears
Moriarty: You cunning English, you have everything. Why, that's what I came
here to tell you!
Neddy: Tell me what?
Moriarty: That this Britisher has been sentenced to 94 years in jail
Neddy: Do you think they suspect him?
Moriarty: That's difficult to say
Peter: (himself) Perhaps there's something to say for "The Archers" after all.
Moriarty: Ol! The important thing, senr, is that we have not yet recovered
the jewels. Somewhere there is a little Spanish suitcase
Grytpype: Ah, good morning
Neddy: I turned to meet this accomplished linguist. He was a thin man aglow
with lurgi. He wore a white linen suit so cunningly tailored that it left
his hands and face naked
Neddy: I motioned him to sit down, but he refused
Grytpype: Naturally, I was in the middle of the road
Grytpype: May I introduce myself, I am the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne,
British Ambassador in Siberia
Neddy: There is no embassy in Siberia
Grytpype: I know, it's all so terribly frustrating
Neddy: Well, what are you doing over here?
Grytpype: It's my day off
Grytpype: Now what I - by Jove senr Moriarty!
Moriarty: What is it?
Grytpype: Look it's extraordinary
Moriarty: Caramba! The resemblance is amazing
Neddy: They were both looking closely at my face, but I didn't mind; I like
giving pleasure to people
Grytpype: Yes, senr Seagoon, are you by any chance related to the famous
English bullfighter Major El Bloodnok?
Neddy: Yes, we're both British
Grytpype: Mmm, identical! Look, here is a photo of Major El Bloodnok
Neddy: Hmm, well I don't look anything like him
Grytpype: That is the amazing part - he doesn't look anything like you either,
so you're identically different
All three: Good!
Grytpype: Ah, Neddy, lad. You will be the saviour of British prestige
Moriarty: Of course, but allow me to explain to him the honour that is about to
(Grytpype: Nakos Nakos
Moriarty: Los Nakos, yes
Neddy: Yakka Baku!
Moriarty: Thank you). Now, please, tomorrow senr Seagoon at the Arena
Del Torros Bloodnok should have fought the great Alanucian bull.
Unfortunately he, ur, he can not appear. Ah! but fortunately you
shall take his place
Neddy: Oh no no no, the crowd will recognise that I'm not El Bloodnok
Grytpype: Yes, but the bull won't
Neddy: I tell you, no no no, I can't. Where is El Bloodnok anyway?
Grytpype: Well unfortunately he is in jail for 94 yea - er - 48 hours, you
understand, a minor offence, nothing at all
Neddy: But Count Moriarty, you're inspector of Spanish police, surely you
can get him released for the fight?
Moriarty: Ah yes, you know I'm a police inspector, but the police don't
Neddy: I see, I see, secret service ey? But surely they'll know you at the jail
Moriarty: Only too well, that is why I have to keep away
Grytpype: Wait, Mor-I-Arty
Grytpype: All the police know is that there's a Britisher serving a 2 day
Moriarty: Yes brilliant
Grytpype: Yes of course
Moriarty: Yes, if we can get a Britisher who looks like El Bloodnok he could
take his place in the jail while El Bloodnok fought the bull
Neddy: El Bloodnok must fight the bull
Grytpype: Splendid! Now Seagoon, just try on this moustache for size
Neddy: But I can't take his place in jail, after all I -
Grytpype: Now look Seagoon, it's only 2 days and think of British prestige
Neddy: Very well, for the honour of our island heritage
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you!
Grytpype: Max Geldray take us to the Madrid Jail
MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA
Wallace: While Max Geldray was playing Ned Seagoon, brilliantly disguised
as Major Bloodnok, took his place in jail. It was a masterpiece of
Grytpype: We would like to show you how it was done but - well - we might
want to use the method again
Spike: In any case, it wasn't a pretty sight
FX: KEYS BEING JANGLED AND A HEAVY DOOR BEING
Ray: Well, there's your supper
FX: CUTLERY BEING PLACED ON THE FLOOR
Neddy: Yum yum! Din dins! Thank you, you play the game by me, jailer, I'll
reward you when I'm released
Ray: Man, I'll be dead when you come out!
Neddy: You're not ill are you?
Ray: Oh no no no, but I'm 25 now and I won't live forever
Neddy: But I'm only here for 2 days
Ray: Oh that's rich! Ha ha ha ! You do the biggest jewel robbery and you say
that - 2 days? Ha ha ha ha ha !
FX: KEYS JANGLED AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPEN AND
Spike: It's tricky for Seagoon, isn't it?
ORCHESTRA: SPANISH LINK MUSIC
Wallace: Listeners, as you all know so well, where the Calle de Carla meets
the Prada in the Plaza of Madrid, stands the Hotel Fred. I was
staying there as a guest of Senr Henry Crun, the manager
Henry: Let me see, how many rooms do we have booked now? Number 1:
Senr and Senra Smith; Number 2: Senr and Senra Smith; 3, 4, 5,
6, 7: Senr and Senra Smith; 9, 10, 11: all Smith! Hmmm, just like
our lovely little hotel in Brighton!
FX: HOTEL BELL RINGING
Moriarty: Attention please, senr. Buenos dias, Buenos dias. My name is
Moriarty: Well done
Henry: I'll get a room ready for you
Moriarty: I don't want a room
Henry: Well you can't stay here, then
Moriarty: Mr. Old Man, I am a great amigo of Major El Bloodnoko
Henry: Ah, noko niko niku
Moriarty: Well said!
Henry: he's gone, you know?
Henry: Bloodnoko, which reminds me - Minnie!
Minnie: Si, Henry?
Henry: What's that Minnie?
Minnie: I said si Henry
Henry: I'll get my glasses, Minnie
Minnie: Si si si, Buddie! In Spain we say si si!
Henry: Oh yes, si si si. Minnie?
Henry: Chang le caballeo parle de haciendo 23
Minnie: What's that Henry?
Henry: Chang le caballeo parle de haciendo 23. Now, Minnie, did you hear
what I said to you?
Minnie: Si, you said chang le caballeo parle de haciendo 23
Henry: Si si, so why don't you do it?
Minnie: What does it mean, Henry?
Henry: It means change the sheets in 23
Minnie: In Spain we say si si
Henry: Stop that modern foreign madrigal and change the sheets
Minnie: Ying Bong Iddle I
Henry: What what what?
Moriarty: Please, please, supresti-knuckles
Moriarty: I'm here about Major El Bloodnok
Henry: yes yes, Major Bloodnok he's in jail you know?
Moriarty: Yes yes, he asked me to collect his suitcase. A black Spanish
Henry: Oh yes yes, I sent it down to the jail
Moriarty: Caramba Knuckles! This old fool has given the suitcase to Seagoon.
Old Man, did you deliver this suitcase personally?
Henry: Yes I gave it to Major Bloodnok, but he kept saying he was Ned
Wallace: I watched the hurrying figure of Moriarty with my binoculars as he
went towards the Congressa De Los Bottals. There he was met by
a man heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon
Spike: Not a pretty sight!
Bloodnok: Ah Moriarty! Now where's the suitcase?
Moriarty: It's in jail
Bloodnok: But it's innocent!
Moriarty: Never the less, it is there. Now, this si the only way we can get out:
you must go in!
Bloodnok: Me? But why don't you go in?
Moriarty: Impossible, they would recognise at once that I was not you
Bloodnok: But I'm disguised as Seagoon
Moriarty: Exactly, they'll have nothing against you. You can go to jail with the
knowledge that you're perfectly innocent
Bloodnok: Very well, for the sake of my old Spanish Suitcase
Moriarty: I'll make arrangements in Spanish with the jailer. Ellington!
Moriarty: Look the other way, knuckles!
MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND HIS QUARTET
Wallace: Let us now re-cap
Neddy: I'm innocent, I tell you!
Wallace: Originally Major Bloodnok was in jail for 94 years suspected of the
Neddy: I'm innocent
Wallace: Innocent young Seagoon, heavily disguised as major Bloodnok was
en wriggled into taking Bloodnok's place
Neddy: I really am innocent, I really am
Wallace: In the meantime Major Bloodnok heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon
was once again at large trying to collect the much sought after
Neddy: And I'm completely innocent!
Wallace: Seagoon, realising he's been duped, removed his disguise and
revealed himself as Ned Seagoon
Neddy: I am Ned Seagoon, I'm innocent!
Wallace: To his horror the Spanish police then believed that he had committed
the robbery heavily disguised as Major Bloodnok
Neddy: It's not true, sir, I really am innocent! I really am!
Wallace: Meantime Mr. Crun sent the Spanish Suitcase to Ned Seagoon in jail
Neddy: Lying there innocent!
Wallace: Believing him to be Major Bloodnok
Neddy: I've been tricked, I'm an innocent prawn, porn, pawn! I demand justice!
Wallace: Now Major Bloodnok is being smuggled back into jail in order to
retrieve the Spanish Suitcase, and may I take this opportunity of
reminding listeners to post early for Christmas
FX: KEYS JANGLING AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPENED
Ray: Come on, in you get! Get in there, you'll be company for the other two
FX: JANGLING KEYS AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT
Bloodnok: Ah, it's good to be back home! Any mail?
Neddy: Thank Heavens! It's good to be able to talk to a human being
Bloodnok: But he said there were two of you in here
Eccles: Um de dum de dum de dum de dum
Bloodnok: I understand what you mean
Eccles: So do I
Bloodnok: Let me introduce myself, I am Major El Bloodnok
Neddy: What? You're the cause of my being in here! Help! Help!
Bloodnok: No no no, don't take on so. I've come back to help you, haven't I?
Neddy: I wish it wasn't so dark in here, I'd like you to see the scorn and
disbelief in my face
Bloodnok: Neddy, lad, I have a plan to get us out
Bloodnok: (whispering) Listen, give me your eat. Now listen (whispers
incoherently, then speaks in normal voice) Have you got that?
Eccles: Yup! You want me to tell Neddy?
Bloodnok: Curse! The wrong idiot!
Neddy: What's this all about?
Bloodnok: You may as well tell him now
Eccles: Well, Neddy, when the warden comes in -
Bloodnok: Whisper, you fool!
Eccles: (shouting) Whisper you fool! (quiet) Oh yeah, it's a secret, yeah, the
man says to whisper (whispers incoherently with sound effects, then
speaks) You got that?
Ray: I certainly have!
Eccles: Oooooh! A sailor! I didn't see you in the dark
Ray: That's hardly surprising!
Bloodnok: You nincompoop, Eccles, take that and that and that
FX: PUNCHING SOUND
Neddy: Stop Major, it hurts me the way you're hitting him
Neddy: You're hitting him with me!
Bloodnok: Oh, but he's foiled the escape plan. We'll have to try again later
Bloodnok: Good. Now to help us escape all we need is a little leather box,
preferably a little Spanish Suitcase
Neddy: Oh, I haven't got one
Bloodnok: No case? Come now, dear lad, no Spanish Suitcase? Mr.
Greenslade the porter delivered it from the Hotel Fred only this
Neddy: Oh that! It wasn't mine so I sent it back
Bloodnok: Knuckle me sombrero and Spanish me knuckles, sent it - Moriarty!
He knew it was being sent back to the Hotel Fred that's why he
wanted to get me in here. That's what it's all about!
Neddy: What are we going to do?
Eccles: 24 years
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
Wallace: I was sitting outside the Hotel Fred reading the Radio Times when I
saw Count Moriarty and Senr Grytpype Thynne approaching
Grytpype: You're sure the suitcase was returned to the Hotel Fred?
Moriarty: Why yes, the jailer told me
Grytpype: Good man. Oh porter?
Wallace: Yes sir?
Grytpype: Where is the man who owns the hotel?
Wallace: Oh, Senr Crun, such a clever man, do you know he hasn't paid a
peseta in tax since 1894? He's brilliant with figures
Moriarty: Si, but where is he now?
Wallace: He's in jail
Wallace: They took him this afternoon
Moriarty: Did he take anything with him?
Wallace: Well not really, only an old Spanish suitcase
ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC LINK
FX: JANGLING KEYS AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR OPENED
Neddy: I'm innocent, I tell you, I'm completely innocent!
Ray: Yes yes yes. Now move over, there's two more to join you - in you get!
Moriarty: Gracias gracias
Grytpype: After you, Moriarty
Moriarty: Thank you
FX: JANGLING KEYS AND HEAVY PRISON DOOR SHUT
Bloodnok: Riddle me rudkins, that sounds like that double-crossing no-good
naughty man Count Moriarty
Moriarty: Calm yourself Blidnook. How many people are there in here?
Bloodnok: There's Seagoon, me, Mr. Crun -
Eccles: Me; I'm a member here!
Neddy: What's this all about? I'm innocent I tell you
Moriarty: Quiet! I know! Never mind now, Mr. Crun have you a suitcase?
Henry: Yes here it is
Moriarty: At last, give it to me
Bloodnok: Take your foreign hands off it, I believe it's mine
Moriarty: Yes, but the jewels inside they belong to all of us; we've all taken
Bloodnok: Jewels? My dear chap, all that's in my suitcase is a change of
Grytpype: Yes, I think they're trying to bluff us Moriarty
Neddy: Why don't you open the suitcase and find out?
Grytpype: Good idea. Open it
FX: ZIP OPENED
Moriarty: Are there jewels inside?
Bloodnok: Feel for yourself, all there is are Dennis's unmentionables, that's
all. Here, feel the cardboard in the front of my dress shirt, there's
nothing at all
Moriarty: Then who's got the jewels? I'll find out - take that!
FX: METAL TRAY HIT HARD ON SOMEONE'S HEAD
Moriarty: Who are you?
Bluebottle: Enter Spanish Bluebottle, with a Spanish audience
Neddy: Little knobbly Spanish actor, what are you doing here?
Bluebottle: I'm here to brighten up the script and to fight the dreaded Spanish-
type bull. I'm not afraid of those needle-pointed horns - thinks:
Yes I am! Moves left, strums Spittoon and does Caspitol dance
Neddy: Little careless fracture, what do you know of the bull-fighter's art?
Bluebottle: I have seen the picture "Blood and Sand" and I learnt one thing
Bluebottle: Ali Can knew what he was doing
Neddy: But what about the bullfight?
Bluebottle: If the bull charges to my right I run towards the matador, if the bull
charges to my left I run towards the picadors
Neddy: And if it rushed straight at you?
Bluebottle: Then I run for the back-a-door, ha ha!
Moriarty: Listen, little wreck, do you know anything about the jewels?
Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! They have been stolen, but I have not got them all so
shall we play another game? I don't like standing in the dark,
you know, I don't like the dark standing. Feels out for my Cap-I-
Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! Is that my friend? I knew you would be in here
Eccles: Yeah, I knew I'd be in here too
Bluebottle: I ran all the way to get here
Eccles: Did you?
Bluebottle: Shall we go and play in the car park?
Eccles: In the car park?
Bluebottle: Yes, and then we can take all the number plates down
Eccles: And the tyres
Bluebottle: yes. I got 302 cars yesterday and -
Neddy: I'm sorry little pink toreador
Eccles: He's innocent!
Neddy: But you'll have to stay here
Bluebottle: My little captain has spoken. He's joking
Moriarty: This is no joke, Bluebottle, we have not got the jewels and we are
all encasseroled here forever
Bluebottle: Tee hee! I don't like this game! Where are we?
Ray: You're in jail, man, and the only person to get out of this jail was me
Bluebottle: Go away you naughty man with the big keys, we can go home now
can't we captain? Can we go home cap-i-tain? Eccles, Eccles, we
can go home now if we want to can't we? Major Bloodnok? Dear
little Major Bloodnok? Why don't we all go to the pictures, I
don't like it here
Neddy: I'll tell you why, little stringy stand-in, this is no play, this is the
strongest jail in the world. There is no way out
Bluebottle: You rotten Spanish onions you! You have trapped me into coming
here. And I thought it as just a play we was acting. Now I can't
Moriarty: Shut up!
Moriarty: Shut up!
Bluebottle: I will not shut up!
Moriarty: Shut up!
Bluebottle: No. I will shout or my father, he's in the fire brigade. And he will
come and rescue little Bluebottle.
Moriarty: Shut up little Bluebottle!
FX: FRYING PAN HIT ON SOMEONE'S HEAD
Moriarty: Take that
Bluebottle: I've been Spanish nutted. Falls right into the ground holding dirty
big lump on crust - doot-doot-doot-doot!
Neddy: What are we to do? Heeeeelp!
Eccles: No no no no no. That won't do any good, you know? You've got to use
Neddy: We can't stay here for the rest of our lives!
Eccles: No, we must get out.
Neddy: Yes, but how?
Eccles: I'll show you. Heeeeeelp!
Henry: Well, if we're going to be here for the rest of our lives we might as well
Neddy: It's alright for you, a couple of weeks and you'll be out
Moriarty: Caramba! I wonder who could have stolen the jewels? Who? Who?
FX: LONE VIOLIN PLAYING A WOEFUL TUNE OVER SPEECH
Neddy: 93 years went by
Eccles: Do you think they've forgotten us?
Neddy: And by now, we'd almost given up hope. Our only recreation was to
climb up on each other's shoulders and look through a tiny crack in
Eccles's head. We could see the harbour and occasionally a
beautiful yacht which belonged to one of the newly rich families that
lived in Spain - El Greenslade
Grytpype: Rather a funny name for a yacht - it was called the Spanish
ORCHESTRA: CLOSING THEME TUNE
Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as conducted by Wally
Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace
Greenslade, he programme produced by Peter Eton.
ORCHESTRA: FINISH THEME TUNE AND PLAY THEM OUT