Series 5, Episode 11, Broadcast 7 December 1954

The Spanish Suitcase

Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service

Grytpype: Oh dear!

Wallace: Never-the-less, this is the BBC Home Service, my almamata!

Bluebottle: OlŽ!

Harry: That olŽ of olŽs can only herald the coming of the highly esteemed
Goon Show!


Harry: Who unlocked the doors? Mr. Greenslade, emergency music!


Harry: Stop! (GRAMS stop) I knew that would get them back in. Heads above
the trough! (country accent) Now then, Dan Greenslade, me dear, tell
'em as 'ow we're going to be doing that there Goon Show. I'll be off to
mend my tractor

Wallace: (country accent) Aaaaah, aaalright me own dear Ned Archer, I
reckon as all we'll be having a ripe harvest of compost from 'im

Wallace and Harry: Aaaaaah!

Peter: (woman) Hello you two, still arguing about the old cow?

Wallace: Aaaaaaaah!

Peter: Where's Daddy?

Wallace: Well he were asking if them beams up in the barn were strong

Harry: Ay, he asked I that, he did, he asked I that then he went up there with a
coil of rope and a noose around his neck

Peter: No no, he - oh look!


Peter: (himself) Easy money!

Harry: (himself) Right, Greenslade, off with that there dumb smock and into a
serious vein

Wallace: (himself) Right sir. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is -

Harry: Mr. Greenslade, how many words have you said up to now?

Wallace: Oh, about two dozen?

Harry: Hmm, well, carry on for a bit

Wallace: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight -

Harry: Stop! That's your lot. Ladies and Gentlepong, tonight's drama takes
place in Spain, the famous Spanish land.


Peter: (Spanish) It is the summer of 1802, there in Madrid a young semi-
human lord is on vacation.


Neddy: Ah yes, how I love the music of the banjo! As I sat there, I was
spellbound by the Spanish dancer. the flash of her dazzling teeth as
she swirled and gyrated to the throbbing beat of the Flamingo. Unable
to contain myself, I sprang into the middle of the floor, tore off my
clothes and did: the Palais Glide! (GRAMS stop)

Spike: Not a pretty sight!

Wallace: My name is Wallace Greenslade, I was in Spain at the time and the
next morning I saw Ned Seagoon exhausted by his night of
sensuous Morris dancing, sitting on his big white-washed hacienda

Spike: Still not a pretty sight!

Neddy: I sat there sipping a glass of coal and scrumming a stropper when a
brown hand fell on my shoulder

Moriarty: Ah, pardon me, but did a brown hand just fall on your shoulder?

Neddy: Is it yours?

Moriarty: Yes, thank you

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ! garbled French

Neddy: I gave him a guarded oui!

Moriarty: So, the senšr is a foreigner!

Neddy: I beg your pardon!? I'm British!

Moriarty: I know, but this is Madrid

Neddy: Ha ha ha! A natural mistake, there are so many foreigners here that
you took mistook me for one

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ! My name is Count Moriarty, Inspector of the Carbioneri,
Spanish police, you understand?

Neddy: I understand

Moriarty: Yes. I am looking for clues in the recent jewel robbery at the
Castello de Berkoff, senšr

Neddy: Ah yes, quite a bit of jewellery lost I believe

Moriarty: Yes, I might say that whoever planned the robbery must have been a
man of the highest intelligence with the courage of a liar

Neddy: So you suspect me

Moriarty: No.

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ! A Britisher has already been incasseroled in the Madrid jail,
and sentenced to 94 years, senšr

Neddy: So he was found guilty, ey?

Moriarty: I don't know, they haven't tried him yet

Neddy: Do you think they suspect him?

Moriarty: That's difficult to say

Neddy: "Do you think they suspect him?" It is a bit hard to say, yes; you try it

Moriarty: Yes. Do-you-think-they-sus-pect-him?

Neddy: Of course they suspect him

Moriarty: What?

Neddy: Why, he's even been sentenced to 94 years in jail!

Moriarty: Caramba! How did you hear this?

Neddy: Two little things called ears

Moriarty: You cunning English, you have everything. Why, that's what I came
here to tell you!

Neddy: Tell me what?

Moriarty: That this Britisher has been sentenced to 94 years in jail

Neddy: Do you think they suspect him?

Moriarty: That's difficult to say

Peter: (himself) Perhaps there's something to say for "The Archers" after all.

Moriarty: OlŽ! The important thing, senšr, is that we have not yet recovered
the jewels. Somewhere there is a little Spanish suitcase

Grytpype: Ah, good morning

Neddy: I turned to meet this accomplished linguist. He was a thin man aglow
with lurgi. He wore a white linen suit so cunningly tailored that it left
his hands and face naked

Grytpype: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Neddy: I motioned him to sit down, but he refused

Grytpype: Naturally, I was in the middle of the road

Grytpype: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Grytpype: May I introduce myself, I am the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne,
British Ambassador in Siberia

Neddy: There is no embassy in Siberia

Grytpype: I know, it's all so terribly frustrating

Neddy: Well, what are you doing over here?

Grytpype: It's my day off

Neddy: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Grytpype: Now what I - by Jove senšr Moriarty!

Moriarty: What is it?

Grytpype: Look it's extraordinary

Moriarty: Caramba! The resemblance is amazing

Neddy: They were both looking closely at my face, but I didn't mind; I like
giving pleasure to people

Grytpype: Yes, senšr Seagoon, are you by any chance related to the famous
English bullfighter Major El Bloodnok?

Neddy: Yes, we're both British

Grytpype: Mmm, identical! Look, here is a photo of Major El Bloodnok

Neddy: Hmm, well I don't look anything like him

Grytpype: That is the amazing part - he doesn't look anything like you either,
so you're identically different

Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po

All three: Good!

Grytpype: Ah, Neddy, lad. You will be the saviour of British prestige

Moriarty: Of course, but allow me to explain to him the honour that is about to
befall him.

(Grytpype: Nakos Nakos

Moriarty: Los Nakos, yes

Neddy: Yakka Baku!

Moriarty: Thank you). Now, please, tomorrow senšr Seagoon at the Arena
Del Torros Bloodnok should have fought the great Alanucian bull.
Unfortunately he, ur, he can not appear. Ah! but fortunately you
shall take his place

Neddy: Oh no no no, the crowd will recognise that I'm not El Bloodnok

Grytpype: Yes, but the bull won't

Neddy: I tell you, no no no, I can't. Where is El Bloodnok anyway?

Grytpype: Well unfortunately he is in jail for 94 yea - er - 48 hours, you
understand, a minor offence, nothing at all

Neddy: But Count Moriarty, you're inspector of Spanish police, surely you
can get him released for the fight?

Moriarty: Ah yes, you know I'm a police inspector, but the police don't

Neddy: I see, I see, secret service ey? But surely they'll know you at the jail

Moriarty: Only too well, that is why I have to keep away

Grytpype: Wait, Mor-I-Arty

Moriarty: What?

Grytpype: All the police know is that there's a Britisher serving a 2 day

Moriarty: Yes brilliant

Grytpype: Yes of course

Moriarty: Yes, if we can get a Britisher who looks like El Bloodnok he could
take his place in the jail while El Bloodnok fought the bull

Neddy: El Bloodnok must fight the bull

Grytpype: Splendid! Now Seagoon, just try on this moustache for size

Neddy: But I can't take his place in jail, after all I -

Grytpype: Now look Seagoon, it's only 2 days and think of British prestige

Neddy: Very well, for the honour of our island heritage

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Grytpype: OlŽ!

Neddy: OlŽ!

Grytpype: Max Geldray take us to the Madrid Jail


Wallace: While Max Geldray was playing Ned Seagoon, brilliantly disguised
as Major Bloodnok, took his place in jail. It was a masterpiece of

Grytpype: We would like to show you how it was done but - well - we might
want to use the method again

Spike: In any case, it wasn't a pretty sight


Ray: Well, there's your supper


Neddy: Yum yum! Din dins! Thank you, you play the game by me, jailer, I'll
reward you when I'm released

Ray: Man, I'll be dead when you come out!

Neddy: You're not ill are you?

Ray: Oh no no no, but I'm 25 now and I won't live forever

Neddy: But I'm only here for 2 days

Ray: Oh that's rich! Ha ha ha ! You do the biggest jewel robbery and you say
that - 2 days? Ha ha ha ha ha !


Spike: It's tricky for Seagoon, isn't it?


Wallace: Listeners, as you all know so well, where the Calle de Carla meets
the Prada in the Plaza of Madrid, stands the Hotel Fred. I was
staying there as a guest of Senšr Henry Crun, the manager

Henry: Let me see, how many rooms do we have booked now? Number 1:
Senšr and Senšra Smith; Number 2: Senšr and Senšra Smith; 3, 4, 5,
6, 7: Senšr and Senšra Smith; 9, 10, 11: all Smith! Hmmm, just like
our lovely little hotel in Brighton!


Moriarty: Attention please, senšr. Buenos dias, Buenos dias. My name is
Count Moriarty

Henry: OlŽ!

Moriarty: OlŽ!

Henry: OlŽ!

Moriarty: Well done

Henry: I'll get a room ready for you

Moriarty: I don't want a room

Henry: Well you can't stay here, then

Moriarty: Mr. Old Man, I am a great amigo of Major El Bloodnoko

Henry: Ah, noko niko niku

Moriarty: Well said!

Henry: he's gone, you know?

Moriarty: Who?

Henry: Bloodnoko, which reminds me - Minnie!

Minnie: Si, Henry?

Henry: What's that Minnie?

Minnie: I said si Henry

Henry: I'll get my glasses, Minnie

Minnie: Si si si, Buddie! In Spain we say si si!

Henry: Oh yes, si si si. Minnie?

Minnie: What?

Henry: ChangŽ le caballeo parle de haciendo 23

Minnie: What's that Henry?

Henry: ChangŽ le caballeo parle de haciendo 23. Now, Minnie, did you hear
what I said to you?

Minnie: Si, you said changŽ le caballeo parle de haciendo 23

Henry: Si si, so why don't you do it?

Minnie: What does it mean, Henry?

Henry: It means change the sheets in 23

Minnie: In Spain we say si si

Henry: Stop that modern foreign madrigal and change the sheets

Minnie: Ying Bong Iddle I

Henry: What what what?

Moriarty: Please, please, supresti-knuckles

Henry: Knuckles?

Moriarty: I'm here about Major El Bloodnok

Henry: yes yes, Major Bloodnok he's in jail you know?

Moriarty: Yes yes, he asked me to collect his suitcase. A black Spanish

Henry: Oh yes yes, I sent it down to the jail

Moriarty: Caramba Knuckles! This old fool has given the suitcase to Seagoon.
Old Man, did you deliver this suitcase personally?

Henry: Yes I gave it to Major Bloodnok, but he kept saying he was Ned

Moriarty: Supristi-Carambi!


Wallace: I watched the hurrying figure of Moriarty with my binoculars as he
went towards the Congressa De Los BottalŽs. There he was met by
a man heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon

Spike: Not a pretty sight!

Bloodnok: Ah Moriarty! Now where's the suitcase?

Moriarty: It's in jail

Bloodnok: But it's innocent!

Moriarty: Never the less, it is there. Now, this si the only way we can get out:
you must go in!

Bloodnok: Me? But why don't you go in?

Moriarty: Impossible, they would recognise at once that I was not you

Bloodnok: But I'm disguised as Seagoon

Moriarty: Exactly, they'll have nothing against you. You can go to jail with the
knowledge that you're perfectly innocent

Bloodnok: Very well, for the sake of my old Spanish Suitcase

Moriarty: I'll make arrangements in Spanish with the jailer. Ellington!

Ray: Yes?

Moriarty: Look the other way, knuckles!

Ray: Right!


Wallace: Let us now re-cap

Neddy: I'm innocent, I tell you!

Wallace: Originally Major Bloodnok was in jail for 94 years suspected of the
jewel robbery

Neddy: I'm innocent

Wallace: Innocent young Seagoon, heavily disguised as major Bloodnok was
en wriggled into taking Bloodnok's place

Neddy: I really am innocent, I really am

Wallace: In the meantime Major Bloodnok heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon
was once again at large trying to collect the much sought after
Spanish suitcase

Neddy: And I'm completely innocent!

Wallace: Seagoon, realising he's been duped, removed his disguise and
revealed himself as Ned Seagoon

Neddy: I am Ned Seagoon, I'm innocent!

Wallace: To his horror the Spanish police then believed that he had committed
the robbery heavily disguised as Major Bloodnok

Neddy: It's not true, sir, I really am innocent! I really am!

Wallace: Meantime Mr. Crun sent the Spanish Suitcase to Ned Seagoon in jail

Neddy: Lying there innocent!

Wallace: Believing him to be Major Bloodnok

Neddy: I've been tricked, I'm an innocent prawn, porn, pawn! I demand justice!
I'm innocent!

Wallace: Now Major Bloodnok is being smuggled back into jail in order to
retrieve the Spanish Suitcase, and may I take this opportunity of
reminding listeners to post early for Christmas


Ray: Come on, in you get! Get in there, you'll be company for the other two


Bloodnok: Ah, it's good to be back home! Any mail?

Neddy: Thank Heavens! It's good to be able to talk to a human being

Bloodnok: But he said there were two of you in here

Eccles: Um de dum de dum de dum de dum

Bloodnok: I understand what you mean

Eccles: So do I

Bloodnok: Let me introduce myself, I am Major El Bloodnok

Neddy: What? You're the cause of my being in here! Help! Help!

Bloodnok: No no no, don't take on so. I've come back to help you, haven't I?

Neddy: I wish it wasn't so dark in here, I'd like you to see the scorn and
disbelief in my face

Bloodnok: Neddy, lad, I have a plan to get us out

Neddy: What?

Bloodnok: (whispering) Listen, give me your eat. Now listen (whispers
incoherently, then speaks in normal voice) Have you got that?

Eccles: Yup! You want me to tell Neddy?

Bloodnok: Curse! The wrong idiot!

Neddy: What's this all about?

Bloodnok: You may as well tell him now

Eccles: Well, Neddy, when the warden comes in -

Bloodnok: Whisper, you fool!

Eccles: (shouting) Whisper you fool! (quiet) Oh yeah, it's a secret, yeah, the
man says to whisper (whispers incoherently with sound effects, then
speaks) You got that?

Ray: I certainly have!

Eccles: Oooooh! A sailor! I didn't see you in the dark

Ray: That's hardly surprising!

Bloodnok: You nincompoop, Eccles, take that and that and that


Eccles: Oooh!

Neddy: Stop Major, it hurts me the way you're hitting him

Bloodnok: Why?

Neddy: You're hitting him with me!

Bloodnok: Oh, but he's foiled the escape plan. We'll have to try again later

Neddy: Yes

Bloodnok: Good. Now to help us escape all we need is a little leather box,
preferably a little Spanish Suitcase

Neddy: Oh, I haven't got one

Bloodnok: No case? Come now, dear lad, no Spanish Suitcase? Mr.
Greenslade the porter delivered it from the Hotel Fred only this

Neddy: Oh that! It wasn't mine so I sent it back

Bloodnok: Knuckle me sombrero and Spanish me knuckles, sent it - Moriarty!
He knew it was being sent back to the Hotel Fred that's why he
wanted to get me in here. That's what it's all about!

Neddy: What are we going to do?

Eccles: 24 years


Wallace: I was sitting outside the Hotel Fred reading the Radio Times when I
saw Count Moriarty and Senšr Grytpype Thynne approaching

Grytpype: You're sure the suitcase was returned to the Hotel Fred?

Moriarty: Why yes, the jailer told me

Grytpype: Good man. Oh porter?

Wallace: Yes sir?

Grytpype: Where is the man who owns the hotel?

Wallace: Oh, Senšr Crun, such a clever man, do you know he hasn't paid a
peseta in tax since 1894? He's brilliant with figures

Moriarty: Si, but where is he now?

Wallace: He's in jail

Moriarty: Jail?

Wallace: They took him this afternoon

Moriarty: Did he take anything with him?

Wallace: Well not really, only an old Spanish suitcase



Neddy: I'm innocent, I tell you, I'm completely innocent!

Ray: Yes yes yes. Now move over, there's two more to join you - in you get!

Moriarty: Gracias gracias

Grytpype: After you, Moriarty

Moriarty: Thank you


Bloodnok: Riddle me rudkins, that sounds like that double-crossing no-good
naughty man Count Moriarty

Moriarty: Calm yourself Blidnook. How many people are there in here?

Bloodnok: There's Seagoon, me, Mr. Crun -

Eccles: Me; I'm a member here!

Neddy: What's this all about? I'm innocent I tell you

Moriarty: Quiet! I know! Never mind now, Mr. Crun have you a suitcase?

Henry: Yes here it is

Moriarty: At last, give it to me

Bloodnok: Take your foreign hands off it, I believe it's mine

Moriarty: Yes, but the jewels inside they belong to all of us; we've all taken

Bloodnok: Jewels? My dear chap, all that's in my suitcase is a change of

Grytpype: Yes, I think they're trying to bluff us Moriarty

Neddy: Why don't you open the suitcase and find out?

Grytpype: Good idea. Open it


Moriarty: Are there jewels inside?

Bloodnok: Feel for yourself, all there is are Dennis's unmentionables, that's
all. Here, feel the cardboard in the front of my dress shirt, there's
nothing at all

Moriarty: Then who's got the jewels? I'll find out - take that!


Bluebottle: Aaaaaaay!

Moriarty: Who are you?

Bluebottle: Enter Spanish Bluebottle, with a Spanish audience

Neddy: Little knobbly Spanish actor, what are you doing here?

Bluebottle: I'm here to brighten up the script and to fight the dreaded Spanish-
type bull. I'm not afraid of those needle-pointed horns - thinks:
Yes I am! Moves left, strums Spittoon and does Caspitol dance

Neddy: Little careless fracture, what do you know of the bull-fighter's art?

Bluebottle: I have seen the picture "Blood and Sand" and I learnt one thing
from that

Neddy: What?

Bluebottle: Ali Can knew what he was doing

Neddy: But what about the bullfight?

Bluebottle: If the bull charges to my right I run towards the matador, if the bull
charges to my left I run towards the picadors

Neddy: And if it rushed straight at you?

Bluebottle: Then I run for the back-a-door, ha ha!

Moriarty: Listen, little wreck, do you know anything about the jewels?

Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! They have been stolen, but I have not got them all so
shall we play another game? I don't like standing in the dark,
you know, I don't like the dark standing. Feels out for my Cap-I-

Eccles: Ooooh!

Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! Is that my friend? I knew you would be in here

Eccles: Yeah, I knew I'd be in here too

Bluebottle: I ran all the way to get here

Eccles: Did you?

Bluebottle: Yes

Eccles: Oooh

Bluebottle: Shall we go and play in the car park?

Eccles: In the car park?

Bluebottle: Yes, and then we can take all the number plates down

Eccles: And the tyres

Bluebottle: yes. I got 302 cars yesterday and -

Neddy: I'm sorry little pink toreador

Eccles: He's innocent!

Neddy: But you'll have to stay here

Bluebottle: My little captain has spoken. He's joking

Moriarty: This is no joke, Bluebottle, we have not got the jewels and we are
all encasseroled here forever

Bluebottle: Tee hee! I don't like this game! Where are we?

Ray: You're in jail, man, and the only person to get out of this jail was me

Bluebottle: Go away you naughty man with the big keys, we can go home now
can't we captain? Can we go home cap-i-tain? Eccles, Eccles, we
can go home now if we want to can't we? Major Bloodnok? Dear
little Major Bloodnok? Why don't we all go to the pictures, I
don't like it here

Neddy: I'll tell you why, little stringy stand-in, this is no play, this is the
strongest jail in the world. There is no way out

Bluebottle: You rotten Spanish onions you! You have trapped me into coming
here. And I thought it as just a play we was acting. Now I can't
go home!

Moriarty: Shut up!

Bluebottle: No

Moriarty: Shut up!

Bluebottle: I will not shut up!

Moriarty: Shut up!

Bluebottle: No. I will shout or my father, he's in the fire brigade. And he will
come and rescue little Bluebottle.

Moriarty: Shut up little Bluebottle!


Bluebottle: Ooooow!

Moriarty: Take that

Bluebottle: I've been Spanish nutted. Falls right into the ground holding dirty
big lump on crust - doot-doot-doot-doot!

Neddy: What are we to do? Heeeeelp!

Eccles: No no no no no. That won't do any good, you know? You've got to use
your brains.

Neddy: We can't stay here for the rest of our lives!

Eccles: No, we must get out.

Neddy: Yes, but how?

Eccles: I'll show you. Heeeeeelp!

Henry: Well, if we're going to be here for the rest of our lives we might as well
get comfortable.

Eccles: Yeah

Neddy: It's alright for you, a couple of weeks and you'll be out

Moriarty: Caramba! I wonder who could have stolen the jewels? Who? Who?

Neddy: 93 years went by

Eccles: Do you think they've forgotten us?

Neddy: And by now, we'd almost given up hope. Our only recreation was to
climb up on each other's shoulders and look through a tiny crack in
Eccles's head. We could see the harbour and occasionally a
beautiful yacht which belonged to one of the newly rich families that
lived in Spain - El Greenslade

Grytpype: Rather a funny name for a yacht - it was called the Spanish


Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as conducted by Wally
Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace
Greenslade, he programme produced by Peter Eton.