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From: josh@pogo.cqs.washington.edu (doc)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons
Subject: SCRIPT: Tales of Men's Shirts
Date: 14 Nov 1994 23:06:29 GMT
Organization: University of Washington
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BLUEBOTTLE
Coo, I wish I could get a job being a fishneries research thing.

ECCLES
Not me. Too much typing.


And with that, I bring you yet another script from The Book of the
Coons, entitled "Tales of Men's Shirts". I have begun work on "Robin's
Post", but they are cleaning it, so that may take some time.

Love, and electric twits, and things,

doc


Tales Of Men's Shirts
Series 10, 31 December 1959

WALLACE
This is the BBC. After the news there will be a talk on Early
Christian Plastic Knees, and the first broadcast of a piece of knotted
string. If you would like a piece of knotted string, send three
rust-proof shillings to 'Honest' Wal Greenslade of Weybridge. Ta.

NED
Hello folks, hello folks, and in that order!

WALLACE
Ta. That voice comes from inside a short fat round blob, namely Neddie
of Wales.

NED
My first impression will be of Peter Sellers.

PETER
Hello folks.

Grams: Sudden burst of cheering

NED
Stop! My next impression will be of Spike Milligan saying 'Thynne'.

SPIKE
Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Orhestra and Omnes: Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Orchestra: Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

NED
That's thin enough! Remember, folks, saying 'Thynneeeee' cures you of
monkeys on the knees.

PETER
Yes, if you've got monkeys on the knees, just say --

SPIKE
Thynneeeeeeeeeeeeee!

PETER
And they are only three and six a box.

SPIKE
Yes, I swear by them. One morning I woke up and there they were --
monkeys on the knees!

Grams: At the word 'monkeys' add sound of monkeys in a temper

SPIKE
Then I said the cure word -- Thynneeeeeeeeeeeee!

Grams: Speed up and fade record of the monkeys at high speed

WALLACE
Ta. The monkeys were played by professional apes.

NED
That was Wallace Greenslade saying words.

WALLACE
Mr Seagoon, stand by to take part in an adventure story entitled --

Orchestra: Timpani roll soft -- held under speech

PETER
'Tales of Men's Shirts' -- a story of down under.

Orchestra: concluding chords

Grams: Morse code comes out of the music

WALLACE
1938 -- but from the continent come ominous rumblings.

Grams: Rumbling and bubbling cauldron

BLOODNOK
Oh, this Spanish food! Waiter! One brandy -- and pronto!

SPIKE (Jim)
One brandy and pronto coming up!

WALLACE
Those were the last words said at peace. At that moment Germany
declared war in all directions.

SPIKE
Bang!

BLOODNOK
Bang? War!!! I must write me memoirs.

FX: Typewriter

BLOODNOK
The day war broke, I said to Allenbrooke, 'You fool...'

NED
England was mobilized.

PETER
Recruits were rushing to the recruiting depots at the rate of one a
year.

WALLACE
We join the story in 1942, a critical year for Britain, with British
Generals slaving away at their autobiographies.

Grams: Dozens of typewriters

PETER (American)
While across the Channel, the German High Command were welding a
master plan.

Grams: Typewriters

HARRY
Achtung, gentlemen! Be seated. We must have a halt on our war memoirs
and go to war. Our scientists have just invented a liquid that will
win der war. This chemical, when applied to the tail of a miltary
soldier shirt, is tasteless, colourless, and odourless.

SPIKE
What good is that on the tail of a shirt, hein?

HARRY
The moment the wearer sits down, the heat from his body causes the
chemical to explode. This way, the soldier will be neutralized.

SPIKE
It will be worse than that.

PETER
Is einer wonderschon Gerhimmel!

HARRY
Speak English, you swine, there are no sub-titles in this scene. Now
zen, this is my plan of attack.

SPIKE
It looks like a nail.

HARRY
No, it's a tack. Ho ho ho ho -- who said we Germans haven't a sense of
humour?

SPIKE
Just about everybody.

HARRY
Oberlieutenant Schatz! You will take ten men, each one carrying a
spray-gun full of the exploding shirt-tail fluid. You will be dropped
near Leicester and there you will gain entrance to the Great British
Military Shirt Factory. The rest is up to you. We shall call the
operation 'Burnbaum'.

Orchestra: German chords

WALLACE
The effect of this deadly plan was soon felt. The first discovery was
made at Whitehall, where they were working at their memoirs.

Grams: Typewriters

BLOODNOK
Halt! Now gentlemen -- be seated.

Grams: Series of shirt-tail explosions and shouts of rage

BLOODNOK
Ohhhhhh -- quick, nurse, the screens!

WALLACE
Portions of the charred shirt-tails were soon at a Military Forensic
Laboratory, where they were forensicked.

NED
Mmmm, yes, there's been severe combustion all right. Hard to say what
type -- what do you think, sir?

MATE
Ooo, I don' know, mate, I'm only the kleener around 'ere.

NED
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were one of us.

MATE
No, no -- I'm one of them, mate.

NED
You don't look like one of them. I mean, why are you dressed like an
admiral?

MATE
Well, I don't like people ter think I'm just a kleener. I mean, I went
to a good school, mate -- Eton.

NED
How long were you there?

MATE
Oh, about five minutes. I was deliverin' the groceries.

NED
You were a greengrocer?

MATE
Not quite green, more of a dirty yellow colour -- ha ha ha...

NED
Very good, now just step out of this thirteenth-storey window.

MATE
No thanks, I'm trying to give 'em up.

NED
I wish I could -- Hup!

MATE (dramatic)
So sayin', he stepped aht --

Grams: Long fading screammmmmmmmm (very long indeed)

NED
Yes, I always travel by window, folks, it's the quickest way down. I
was on my way to the Quarter-Master-General. Nick Nock Nokkity Nok.

CRUN
Come in, Pnick Pnock Pnokkity Pnok.

NED
It's me -- Lieutenant Seagoon -- from the body of the same name.

CRUN
Oh, Ned. Here, let me take your window -- eh -- did you hear they're
sening up a rocket to photograph the other side of you?

NED
All lies, all lies! I'm losing weight -- I've dropped three stone.

FX: Lump of iron goes clang on the ground

NED
There's one now.

MINNIE
Hello, sailor.

NED
What's this, then?

MINNIE
My name is Bannister.

NED
Didn't I see you on the stairs?

MINNIE
Don't bother me....

FX: Typewriter

MINNIE
'I was Churchill's Wet Nurse', Chapter One. I was standing in
Piccadilly when...

NED
Now, Mr Crun, I want to borrow a stock military shirt for an
experiment. But first, Geldray, and his famed Dutch Conk!

MAX
These are my wartime Conk memoirs. Ploogie!

Max & Orchestra: music

WALLACE
'Tales of Men's Shirts', Part Two.

Orchestra: Dramatic descending chords with distant bugle and drum

Grams: Crowd of men chatting and typewriters

PETER (loud and soft voice)
Eyes front, ears to the side! Stop these memoirs! Orderly Officer...

Grams: Slur record of chatting down

PETER
All correct and present, sir. Thynneeee!

NED
Thank you, and Thynneeeeee. Right, at ease, men.

Grams: Immediate snoring. fade under --

NED
Gentlemen, all of you officers have been selected because of your high
standard of intelligence.

ECCLES
You sure of dat?

NED
Someone has blundered. Private Eccles, I've got bad news.

ECCLES
Private? I'm a Captain.

NED
That's the bad news. Now, just stand in this shallow grave and wait
for the next death. Gentlemen, there has been an outbreak of exploding
shirt-tails in the British Army. We suspect sabotage.

SPIKE (gabbles a rubbishy question)

NED
Not when the train is standing in the station.

SPIKE
Blast!

NED
Now, gentlemen, this is a matter of life and death. I want a volunteer
to wear this shirt and make notes on the way it behaves. In fact, try
everything to make that shirt-tail explode. Who will volunteer?

Omnes: Pause -- light, nervous singing starts -- gets louder and
louder

Orchestra: All gradually join in the singing

NED
Stop this! I appreciate your love of singing and cowardice -- if you
won't volunteer, we must draw lots. Eccles? Write your name on a piece
of paper and put it in this hat.

ECCLES
Dere.

NED
Now draw it out and read it.

ECCLES
Mrs Phyllis Quott.

NED
You imposter, you're not Mrs Quott.

ECCLES
Wait, I know the ideal volunteer for you -- he's had more experience
with shirt-tails than anybody -- his name is --

Orchestra: Bloodnok Theme

FX: Typewriter

BLOODNOK
So I said to Winnie, 'Allenbrooke and Montgomery are ideal lads --'

Grams: The shirt-tail explosion

BLOODNOK
Oh, oh -- Abdul! Quick, a new shirt -- it's happened again.

NED
Nickity knock knock oh nock!

BLOODNOK
Nickity knock knock oh nock? That's my private number. Come in within.

NED
Thank you. Major Bloodnok?

BLOODNOK
I have been called worse. Yes? Now what can I do for you? Better
still, GET OUT!!!

NED
Major, I'm here to offer you money.

BLOODNOK
Ohhhh, come in Ned, warm yourself by this woman. She's just coming to
the boil.

Grams: kettle with steam whistle

BLOODNOK
There she goes!!!

NED
I've been told that you have more experience with exploding
shirt-tails than any man alive.

BLOODNOK
True, I feel no pain. But what of the rewards?

NED
Several plastic OBEs and a drip-dry statue of Diana Dors and a ticket
to Hampstead Fairground.

BLOODNOK
Ohhhh, none but the brave deserve the fair. I accept!

NED
Come, Bloodnok, on with this military test shirt.

BLOODNOK
Let's drink to the success of the venture -- here's mud in yer eye.

NED (puzzled)
So saying, he threw a plate of mud at me.

Orchestra: Dramatic chords

WALLACE
Neddy's next move was to actually get into Germany and try to find out
the enemy's secret.

NED
At dawn, a ship hove to at Portsmouth Ho.

Grams: Seagulls, Bosun's Whistle, Ship making up steam

FX: Typewriter

MORIARTY
'How I saved De Gaulle and Told Mark-Clarke Where to Get Off...'
(sings) A life on the ocean waveeee, is the key to a watery grave.

THYNNE
Happy, Moriarty?

MORIARTY
Aye aye, Captain.

NED
Ahoy there!

THYNNE
Ahoy, Ned! Come aboard.

Grams: Spash

THYNNE
You must wait for the gangplank -- ups-a-daisy.

Grams: Man pulled out of water

NED
Jove, that water was taller than me!

THYNNE
It's older, that's why. Welcome to the Good Ship Lollipop.

NED
My name is Lieutenant Seagoon.

THYNNE
A better name for a twit I've yet to hear. Ned, this man in the red
football jersey and one white sock is an old French sailor.

MORIARTY
Aye, mate, I've got the sea in my blood.

NED (giggles)
And you can see where it gets in.

MORIARTY
Mind how you speak to me. Do you know who I am?

NED
Can't you remember?

MORIARTY
I am Comte della Robbia Moriarty, the Duke of Orange, an old naval
family.

NED
So, folks, he comes from a long line of naval oranges -- ha ha ha
ha. Laugh and the world laughs with you, they say.

THYNNE
You've proved them wrong, haven't you?

SPIKE (Jim)
We're ready to sail, Jim, ready to sailllllllll.

THYNNE
Thank you, Jimmmmm! Cast off fore and aft and ift.

Omnes: Sea shouts

Orchestra: Dramatic seascape music

WALLACE
A heavy sea mist descended, demanding constant vigilance by seamen in
the chart-room.

BLUEBOTTLE
Aft by fore aft...six bells and all's well on the dog. (sings)

NED
Everything all right, Seaman Bottle?

BLUEBOTTLE
Everything is Bristol fashion and shipn-shanke.

NED
Aye aye.

BLUEBOTTLE
Aye aye to YOU, sir. De de de (sings) de de de de de.

NED
What's that rough sailor song you sing, Seaman?

BLUEBOTTLE
I'm singing this map...(ad libs tune) all those brown parts are the
land, and the blue bits with the little lines on are the seassssss,
all the green is where the forest is, Sherwood Forest nine miles
long...

NED (singing with Bottle)
Ahh, lad, they don't write maps like that any more. I say, this fog is
getting thick.

Grams: Distant fog horn, Bloodnok's 'Ohhhhhh'

NED
What's that?

BLUEBOTTLE
Sounds like Major Bloodnok.

NED
No, it can't be. He's never had it that bad...is Eccles in the crow's
nest?

BLUEBOTTLE
Yes...

NED
Eccles?

ECCLES
Yer.

NED
Can you see ahead?

ECCLES
Yer, a big bald one.

NED
Is it one of ours?

ECCLES
Ray Ellington on the cardboard bow!

RAY
Man! I don't know how they get away with it.

The Ray Ellington Quartet: Music

WALLACE
That was Mr Ray Ellington, who now uses the blue whitener. Part Three
of "Tales of Men's Shirts". Thynneeeeee!

Orchestra: Dramatic return-to-story chords

NED
At dawn we came to off the coast of Germany. We prepared to swim
ashore by electric plunging drawers.

THYNNE
No you don't! Hands up, little Ned of Wales.

NED
What's the meaning of this?

THYNNE
THIS means you're a prisoner of the German Navy.

NED
So that's what THIS means. I've often wondered. You traitor, Thynne.

THYNNE
My name is Horne.

NED
Traitor Horne! (?)

Orchestra: Ta Raa cymbal

NED
They don't come any older.

THYNNE
Moriarty, clap this lot in irons.

FX: Typewriter

THYNNE
Chapter Two: 'How I Captured a British Idiot in Drawers'.

MORIARTY
Come on, you -- spotty Herbert.

BLUEBOTTLE
Take your hands off me! Do you think you can take Bluebottle alive?
Fixes Moriarty with hypnotic gaze -- toot toot toot...

Grams: Old fashioned silent movie piano -- tension music

BLUEBOTTLE
My man, I was trained in Judo by the Great Bert. Using the body as a
counter-pivot to displace the opponent, I use the Great Bert's method
of throwing the opponent to his death. Be warned, Moriarty, one false
move and you die by Bert's method.

MORIARTY
Take that!

FX: Thwack on Bottle's head

BLUEBOTTLE
Owwwww! (Cries) Wait till I see that twit Bert...

ECCLES
You hit my friend Bottle again and see what happens.

FX: Terrific slapstick

BLUEBOTTLE
Owwwwwww!

ECCLES
See? Dat's what happens.

Orchestra: Dramatic descending chords

FX: Typewriter

WALLACE
'The Greenslade War Memoirs', Chapter One. I said to Allenbrooke, 'How
dare you...'

Grams: Behind dialogue: silent film piano -- sad

WALLACE
The whole plot has misfired. Lieutenant Seagoon has somehow been
betrayed. The destroyer transferred them to a U-boat that took them to
the POW camp at Rhinegold Castle.

SPIKE
The prison was full of British Officers who had sworn to die rather
than be captured.

NED
It was winter when we arrived and the snow lay heavy on the slopes of
Brigitte Bardot.

VON ARLONE (Peter)
Nowzen, Englanders, my name is von Arlone.

ECCLES (sings)
Von Aloneeeee ter be --

FX: Slapstick

ECCLES
Owwww, you'll pay fer dat.

FX: Half a crown thrown down onto the pavement

ECCLES
Ta. Want another go?

NED
Shut up, Eccles. Now then, von Arlone, what do you intend to do with
us?

VON ARLONE
You will be incarcerated.

NED
Ahemmmm. I hope I heard right.

VON ARLONE
Perhaps if you were to tell us what your mission is, we could...

NED
Never -- I won't tell you!

VON ARLONE
Do you know what happens to British spies?

NED
No.

VON ARLONE
So, you won't even tell us THAT? Throw them in Stalag Ten -- Eleven --
and Twelve! Gershmeltentwitz!

Orchestra: Dramatic chords

Grams: Iron door slams. Heavy key in lock. Pair of Gaolers footsteps
walk away

BLUEBOTTLE
I don't like this game. I don't like all these hairy Germans, they
hitted me. Hittt...hitttt...hitteeeeeee, they went.

NED
Don't worry men. I have a plon of a plan. When the German guard comes
in with our dinner, let him have it!

BLUEBOTTLE
Den what are we going to eat?

NED
I mean, let him have this iron bar on his nut, then we'll change
uniforms and pretend to be Huns. Trouble is, I can't speak the
language. Eccles, how's your German?

ECCLES
He's fine, how's yours?

MATE (approaching, singing)
Deutschland, Deuescher land uber the alles, mate.

NED
Listen -- a German speaking fluent Cockney.

FX: Iron gate opening

MATE
Here's yer breakfast, mates.

FX: Great heavy rock thuds on the floor

MATE
Boiled egg, I'll be bound, ha ha --

FX: Iron bar across his nut

MATE
Oh, I been sponned -- from the film of the same nameeee. Ohhhh.

FX: Feeble typewriter

MATE (very feeble)
Chapter One: 'How I was Sponned in Action'. I said to Allenbrooke, 'You
twit...'

NED
Wait -- this isn't a German, this is Sewerman Sam! What are you doing
dressed as a German General?

MATE
I told yer, I don't like people to know I does the sewers.

NED
You come with us. You may come in useful -- you can say odd lines.

MATE
Oddd Linessss! Odd Liness! Yer, I can.

Orchestra: Dramatic chords

WALLACE
Ned and his party made their way to the great German Chemical Works at
Schattz. By using the short-wave cardboard secret horse-hair and
mattress telephone, they were able to contact London by speech.

FX: Typewriter on distort

BLOODNOK (distorted)
Hello, hello -- Lieutenant Seagoon, about artillery --

NED
What about it?

BLOODNOK
One 'l' or two?

NED
Two 'l'.

BLOODNOK
To 'ell with you, too.

NED
We've escaped from the German nick.

BLOODNOK
German Nick? That swine, he and Belgian Tom! Now listen, we've
discovered the name of the chemical that explodes our
shirt-tails. It's called Gerschattzer.

NED
Gerschattzer? How do you spell it?

BLOODNOK
I - T

NED (over writing FX)
I - T, prounouced Gerschattzer...Thanks. Now, will you do us a favour?

BLOODNOK
What's her name?

NED
Women -- women -- is that all you think of?

BLOODNOK (meditatively)
By Jove, I do believe it is. Naughty Dennis.

NED
Listen, I remember in the First World War that an English Officer hid
in a cupboard from the Germans. So could you have three cupboards
dropped to us?

BLOODNOK
At once.

Grams: Crash crash crash

NED
Thank you. Now men, the moment you see any Germans approaching,
swallow your uniforms, get inside the cupboards, and do an impression
of a suit -- the shabbier the better.

BLUEBOTTLE
Can I be a pin-stripe, Captain?

NED
No, I want the pin-stripe -- I'm senior.

ECCLES
I'll be a morning suit so I can have the afternoon off.

BLOODNOK
I'll be a dinner jacket -- I'm hungry.

NED
Bloodnok! Come out of that cupboard!

BLOODNOK
Has her husband gone, then?

NED
This is not the time to think of women.

BLOODNOK
Well, let me know when it is and I'll be off again. OOOOOOh.

Grams: Chickens clucking

NED (dry)
Look -- a patrol of Germans disguised as chickens.

BLOODNOK
Nonsense -- they're despised as pigeons.

NED
So that's why we've all been spotted.

BLOODNOK
Shh! Look, they're digging in behind that tree. I HOPE they're digging
in behind that tree.

NED
Shhhh...Keep quiet. They know we're here. I wonder why they're holding
their fire.

ECCLES
Perhaps they haven't got a fireplace.

FX: Slapstick

SPIKE
Listen, Englanders -- we know you are dere.

NED
Gad, it's Spike Milligan with a bad German accent.

SPIKE
Listen, we make bargain -- we let you all go free if you hand over
Major Bloodnok.

BLOODNOK
Never! You hear? We'd rather die than hand him over.

NED
You speak for yourself.

BLOODNOK
I am. I'll make a bargain with you! Take all these lads and I'll let
Major Bloodnok go free. What do you say?

SPIKE
Dis is our answer.

FX: Great outburst of firing

BLOODNOK
Speak English, you swine!

Grams: American bugle call and approach of cavalry. Shooting

NED
Look -- The American Fifth Cavalry! Saved!

Orchestra: Ta Raa

WALLACE
That was ending Number One. And now here is happy ending Number Two.

Orchestra: Alto and Rhythm play 'Laura'

FX: Door opens

NED
Cynthia? Cynthia darling, it's me -- Tom.

PETER
Tom darling! You're back!

NED
Yes. I've been a fool about you.

PETER
Don't say that, darling.

NED
This parcel -- it's -- it's for you.

PETER
Ohh -- what is it?

FX: Unwrapping

NED
Darling, this thing is bigger than both of us.

PETER
Oh, Tom, it's -- it's an elephant!

NED
Yes -- I'm not waiting any longer, we're getting married tonight.

WALLACE
And so, that night, Neddie Seagoon married an elephant. Good night.

Orchestra: Old Comrades March

--
Josh Hayes josh@cqs.washington.edu
Disc Golf Page: http://www.cqs.washington.edu/~josh/discgolf.html
Now, unlock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes,
and prepare for a period of simulated exhiliration