Series 5, Episode 1, Broadcast 28 September 1954

The Whistling Spy Enigma

Wallace: This is the BBC Home Service

GRAMS: BOOS, WHISTLES

Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, back from
the dead, we present half an hour of continuous radio fighting, in both
corners - The Goons!

ORCHESTRA: CIRCUS RING MUSIC

GRAMS: BOOS, WHISTLES

Harry: Stop! (stops immediately) Mr. Greenslade?

FX: CHAINS BEING DRAGGED ALONG THE FLOOR

Wallace: (weak voice) Yes, Master?

Harry: Tell the masses, Mr. Greenslade, what we have in store

Wallace: Yes, master. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Goons and myself after
successful season of unemployment, return to the air for a long
series of 1

Eccles: Ooooh!

Wallace: They commence with a mystery play, packed from end to end with
mediocrity, under the title of -

Throat: The Whistling Spy Enigma

ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORD

Peter: (American) The crimes you are about to hear have all been specially
committed for this programme. Here to tell you a story with the aid of
smoke-glass ear-trumpet and reconditioned head is Captain Hairy
Seagoon

GRAMS: FRANTIC AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Neddy: Stop! (stops immediately) I remember when it all started. At the time I
was asleep in my electrified elephant hammock, when through the
pigeon hole flew a carrier pigeon. There was something strapped to
it's leg - it was the postman.

Spike: A letter for youuuuuuu

Neddy: Thank you

Spike: Yes

Neddy: Hurriedly I tore open the letter. Inside was an envelope, with a
message that said -

Spike: (high voice) Report at once to MI5

Neddy: The letter was written in a disguised voice. Hurriedly strapping on a
fresh pigeon I flew out of the window

GRAMS: BIRD WINGS FLAPPING

ORCHESTRA: HARP PLAYS MYSTIC EFFECT

FX: FOUR RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

Grytpype: Come in

FX: DOOR HANDLE TURNED

Neddy: Captain Hairy Seagoon reporting for duty as instructed, sir. I'm ready
to die for the flag, bleed for my country, suffer great sufferings,
(dramatically) and all for England.

Grytpype: You silly twisted boy, you. Pull up a chair.

Neddy: Thank you. (Aside) So this was the fabulous lance-brigadier Hercules
Grytpype-Thynne. I drew up a chair and placed it at the table next to
him. Gad, how cunningly he was disguised! Stark naked, save for a
souester, string lunettes and a pair of identical plimsolls.

Grytpype: Now, Captain Seagoon

Neddy: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes?

Grytpype: Please don't do that. Captain, you have been specially selected for
a specially dangerous mission

Neddy: Does this mean I've been specially selected for a specially dangerous
mission?

Grytpype: So you guessed, ey? Seagoon, you are to make your way to
Hungary via Budapest

Neddy: Will I have to go abroad?

Grytpype: If all else fails, yes. It's dangerous work

Neddy: I suppose I'll have to take risks?

Grytpype: Oh yes, and a small pot of tea

Neddy: What does this mean?

Grytpype: It means you've been chosen to go abroad with a packet of Risks
and a small pot of tea

Neddy: For what reason?

Grytpype: Reason? Does there have to be a reason?

Neddy: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po

Grytpype: Very well, if that's the way you feel about it, I'll tell you. Pull up a
chair

Neddy: Thank you

Grytpype: During the last 18 months you may have noticed that throughout the
civilised world, in America, British prestige has fallen very low.
Yes?

Neddy: Yes

Grytpype: And do you know why?

Neddy: Yes. I don't know why

Grytpype: I'll tell you. Pull up a chair

Neddy: Thank you

Grytpype: One thing killed Britain, and that was our defeat by the Hungarian
football team

Neddy: Yes

Grytpype: I fear those Magyars did for us, lad. Before they play us again we
must make absolutely sure they don't win

Neddy: Does this mean sabotage?

Grytpype: You may well ask that

Neddy: I did ask it, Will

Grytpype: I suppose you did. Pull up a chair

Neddy: Thank you

Grytpype: This is Operation Explodable Boot. You will make your way to
Budapest. There you will contact our British agent X

Neddy: X? How do you spell it?

Grytpype: Eeeeeeeex

Neddy: Thank you. How do I contact him?

Grytpype: By whistling a highly skilled mysterious secret tune. The moment
he hears it he'll hand you a sealed envelope, heavily sealed.

Neddy: But the secret tune?

Grytpype: It goes like this: (whistles the Hungarian Rhapsody)

Neddy: Wait! That's the Hungarian Rhapsody. What's secret about that?

Grytpype: Fool! Didn't you notice? I was whistling it in English

Neddy: I know, but there are thousands of Hungarians who can whistle in
English fluently

Grytpype: How dare they!

Neddy: In any case, I can't whistle

Grytpype: Curses. We shall have to think about this. Pull up a chair

Neddy: Thank you

Wallace: Ladies and Gentlemen, while Captain Seagoon and the brigadier are
thinking, we, the BBC, would like to entertain you with a smile and
a song from that well-known tenor Webster Snobcule

Snobcule: (Spike) Thank you, Ricky Fulton. (Clears his throat) I should like to
commence my programme with a song that is rapidly climbing to
the top of the House guard's parade. That lovely melody that I
have just recorded from my latest film, which is now showing
north of the river, and is called "I shine for you alone" by Butoir.
Cyril, can I have my music please?

ORCHESTRA: LONG DRAWN OUT GRAND OPENING

Spike: I shineeeeeeee -

Grytpype: I've got it, Seagoon, I've got it

FX: TELEPHONE RINGS AND DOOR OPENS

Spike: Speaks incoherently, ends in "Sir?"

Grytpype: Odium

Spike: Yuuuus?

Grytpype: Send in our highly skilled mysterious whistling espionage agent

Spike: speaks incoherently again

Grytpype: Oh thank you

FX: DOOR SHUTS

Neddy: You mean you'll send a man with me that can do all my highly skilled
mysterious secret whistling?

Grytpype: Exactly

FX: DOOR OPENS

Grytpype: Ah, Seagoon, this is him, the man who can remember a tune no
matter how complicated

Neddy: How do you do?

Eccles: I'm fine, fine. Yup, I'm fine, fine. Yup, and you?

Neddy: I'm very well thank you (laughs uncomfortably)

Eccles: Uh hum. Uh hum. Yup, yup. Fine. Yup. How's your old dad?

Neddy: My old dad?

Eccles: Yup. How's your old dad?

Neddy: My old dad's very well, to be sure (laughs uncomfortably)

Eccles: Good. Good, good, good, good. My old dad's okay too, you know?
Yup, yup. My old dad's fine, he's fine. Yup, he's okay. My old dad's
okay

Neddy: Yes, yes. I'm sure he is (clears his throat)

Eccles: Yup. Your old dad's okay, and my old dad's okay. They're both okay.
both our old dads are okay. They're both okay. Aren't they?

Neddy: Yes. Brigadier, this man doesn't look very intelligent

Eccles: I heard that, I heard that. Let me tell you, it aint looks that count, it's
what you got up here that matters?

Neddy: And what have you got up there?

Eccles: Nothing. (laughs at his own joke) How's your old dad?

Neddy: I don't see what my dad's health has got to do with you (Eccles and
Neddy argue as they walk away from the microphone)

Grytpype: Max Geldray? Pull up a chair

MUSIC: MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA

Neddy and Eccles: still arguing

Grytpype: Gentlemen, please. Please. I've just been on the phonograph to HQ.
You are to collect a new highly skilled mysterious whistling tune
direct from our own highly skilled mysterious piano composer.
Eccles knows him well

Neddy: How far is it?

Eccles: Oooh, 63 miles

Neddy: Let's go

GRAMS: TWO WHOOSHES

Eccles: (panting) This is the house. I shall now give the secret knock, that only
he and I know

FX: THREE KNOCKS ON WOOD, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE OF
DOOR

Eccles: That's him

FX: TWO KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, THREE
KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, ONE KNOCK,
REPEATED ON OTHER SIDE, FOUR KNOCKS, REPEATED
ON OTHER SIDE, FIVE KNOCKS, REPEATED ON OTHER
SIDE, KNOCKS DA-DA-DADA-DA, DA-DA REPLY ON OTHER
SIDE

Henry: Who is it, ey? Who is it?

Neddy: Open this door at once or we break it down, so Heaven help me as I
live and breathe

Henry: How ever did you get a name like that?

Neddy: I have influence

Eccles: Open up, Mr. Crun, it's me, Eccles

Henry: Oh Eccles, it's me, Mr. Crun

Eccles: Oh Mr. Crun, it's me, Eccles

Henry: Oh, Mr. Eccles

Eccles: Yeah

Henry: Well well well

Neddy: You idiots!

Eccles: We're idiots, yeah

Neddy: Mr, Crun, sir, open this door at once

Henry: I can't, it's locked, and the key's lost

Neddy: Curse, the door's locked

Henry: Try the window that's open

Neddy: Right

FX: TRIES TO OPEN A LOCKED WOODEN WINDOW FRAME

Neddy: Oh curse! The window's locked as well

Henry: It's open

Neddy: It's locked. Come out and see for yourself

Henry: I will

FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT

Henry: Now, let me try it

FX: TRIES TO OPEN A LOCKED WOODEN WINDOW FRAME

Henry: (struggles) You're right, you know, the window is locked. What a state
of affairs, the window and the door

Eccles: Oh, I'll go inside and open it

Neddy: Bravo!

Eccles: Okay

FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT

Eccles: (from inside) Hello, Mr. Crun? It's no good, the window's locked from
the inside as well

Neddy: There's a fine how do you do!

Henry: Where?

Neddy: Are you sure you can't find the key to the door?

Henry: My dear military gentleman, come inside and look for yourself

Neddy: Right. Lead on

FX: DOOR OPENED AND SHUT

Henry: Now, it used to hang on the nail behind this door

Neddy: Well, it's certainly not there. Looks as if we're locked out

FX: THREE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Henry: Who's there?

Eccles: It's me, Eccles. I got the window open! If you come out you can crawl
in through it

Henry: We can't come out, the door's locked and we've lost the key

Eccles: Oooh, can I come in and help look for it?

FX: DOOR OPENED

Henry: Of course, come in

FX: DOOR SHUT

Eccles: Thank you.

Henry: Now let me see. Aughhh! Eureka! Symphamedalis! I found it! It was in
my pocket all the time

Neddy: Good show.

FX: KEY BEING TURNED IN LOCK

Henry: Now, I'll just unlock the door and let them in

FX: DOOR OPENED

Henry: Good heavens! All that trouble for nothing!

Neddy: Why?

Henry: There's nobody out here

Neddy: The fools must have got impatient and run away

Henry: Well, never mind about them, what about you? You've come for the
new highly skilled mysterious whistling tune, haven't you?

Neddy: Exactly. You must teach it to Eccles

Henry: Good, good. Now Eccles, have you ever heard this tune before?

Eccles: No

Henry: What do you men "no", I haven't sung it yet?!

Eccles: Oooh, so that's why I haven't heard it (laughs)

Henry: Now listen

Eccles: Yup

Henry: whistles the secret tune

Henry: Got that Eccles?

Eccles: How did that go again?

Henry: repeats same secret tune

FX: POP

Henry: Did you see where they went?

Eccles: What?

Henry: My teeth!

GRAMS: SIREN, THEN BAGPIPES, THEN EXPLOSION, THEN
CLUCKING CHICKEN

Henry: Answer that phone!

Neddy: Hello? Yes, right. Crun, we've got to find Hungary at once

Henry: But I haven't taught Eccles the tune!

Neddy: You'll have to come with us

Henry: Ummm, (shouting) Minnie!

Minnie: (at a distance) unintelligible mm's

Henry: Minnie!

Minnie: What is it Henry?

Henry: I'm going to Hungary, Minnie

Minnie: I'll leave your dinner in the oven

Henry: Minnie!

Neddy: Come, men, to horse, giddup

FX: HORSE HOOVES RUNNING (HENRY CRYING, NEDDY
SHOUTING AS THEY GO)

Henry: Captain, Captain Seagoon!

Neddy: What? What, what what?

Henry: Tell me, is it very far to Hungary?

Neddy: Yes

Henry: Then why do we keep galloping round and round this blasted room?

Neddy: I'm waiting for someone to open the door

Neddy: Ellington!

Ray: Yes!

Neddy and Henry: Open the door!

MUSIC: RAY ELLINGTON AND QUARTET SING "ABC WITH
RHYTHM AND EASE"

ORCHESTRA: DICK BARTON SUSPENSE THEME TUNE

Peter: (dramatically) The Whistling Spy Enigma, part Two. Seagoon and party
are on their way to Hungary to contact the British agent there by
whistling the highly mysterious secret tune (whistles rapidly). Once
there they are to sabotage the Hungarian football team. Seagoon's first
contact was to be the British Ambassador

ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME TUNE

Major: Arrr, ooh, thud me fneficks and fetch my fungs, and other time filling in
phrases

Neddy: Major Dennis Bloodnok?

Major: The same. Who are you sir? (Secret whistle whistled). Very interesting,
but who the blazes are you?

Neddy: My card

Major: It's blank

Neddy: I know, I'm keeping my identity a secret. But I'll tell you my name

Major: Glad to hear it Captain Seagoon, pull up a chair

Neddy: Thank you. Yes, it's been quite a journey. It's no fun hiding under a
third class railway seat

Major: You've been hiding under a - The disgrace! You know very well we
British only hide under first class seats

Neddy: Yes, but I was trying to save money

Major: I understand. Pull up a chair

Neddy: Thank you. Major, I have been shadowed here by the Hungarian highly
skilled mysterious secret anti-whistling police

Major: Horror of horrors!

Neddy: Yes, I'd like to spend the week here if possible. What do you say?

Major: Twelve and six a day, food extra

Neddy: Your charging me, an Englishman, to stay at the British Embassy?

Major: It's the holiday season. They charge twice as much in Blackpool

Neddy: I'm not here on holiday, I'm here on a dangerous mission

Major: You mean you might get killed?

Neddy: Yes

Major: Oh well, that's different. Well, under the circumstances, I must ask for
the rent in advance

Neddy: I've never been so insulted in all my life!

Major: Come now, with a face like that? You must have been!

Neddy: By St. George, you drive me hard, sir, I'll knock you down, I'll -
shhhh!

FX: FOOTSTEPS COMING UP STAIRS

Neddy: Can you hear those highly skilled mysterious footsteps coming up the
highly skilled mysterious stairs?

Major: No

Neddy: Neither can I

Major: Well we'd better start hearing them soon or it'll be too late

Neddy: Your absolutely right. It must be a highly skilled mysterious enemy!

Major: Of course. The moment he enters the room strike him down with
something

Neddy: Right. Hand me that piano

Major: That's no good, it's out of tune

Neddy: Curse, never mind. Hand me that 600 foot factory chimney in the
corner

Major: No, no, not that, it's my last one! Don't touch! (hear secret whistling
tune)

Neddy: Shh, shh. The highly skilled whistling tune. It must be the noble Eccles

Major: Hoozah!

FX: DOOR BEING OPENED ABRUPTLY

Moriarty: Ah, Captain Seagoon. Hands up!

Major: Oooh!

Moriarty: Who are you?

Major: Mother Brown

Moriarty: Knees up

Major: Graze me trundles, its Vion De La Prickon Moriarty ne Smith, head of
that dreaded highly skilled mysterious anti-whistling Hungarian
counter espionage agents

Moriarty: Well said

Major: Thank you

Moriarty: Now, what is the highly secret mysterious whistling tune? I must
know!

Neddy: I won't tell

Moriarty: Ahhh, I warn you! I will count up to a highly skilled 40,000 and then
I'll shoot

Neddy: 40,000?

Moriarty: Yes, I've to go home for my gun

Neddy: (aside) When I saw that he was a dwarf I was all for attacking him
straight away, but Bloodnok stopped me

Major: No, wait 'til he gets older

Neddy: Finally, on his ninety-third birthday, we sprang

GRAMS: STRUGGLE, CAST SHOUTS AS WELL

Neddy: Stop! (stops immediately, Neddy pants) Right, let's go

GRAMS: STRUGGLE RESUMES

Snobcule: (over struggle) Ladies and gentlemen, while Major Bloodnok and
Captain Seagoon are so valiantly fighting for their country, I
would like to sing that beautiful song, "I Shine For You Alone",
can I have my music please?

ORCHESTRA: LONG DRAWN OUT GRAND OPENING

Snobcule: I shineeee for you aloneeee, And my arms - (FX: SHOT) Ahhh!

Neddy: (still over struggle) Finally we battled with Moriarty, but in the
darkness we grappled for 3 hours, oooh

FX: TELEPHONE RINGS, PICKED UP

Neddy: Stop! (struggle stops immediately) Hello?

Moriarty: (on other end) Seagoon?

Neddy: Yes?

Moriarty: Moriarty. I just thought I'd tell you I've been home for the last two
hours (phone put down).

Neddy: What? Then who's this we've been battering on the bonce?

Eccles: I've been wondering when you were going to ask that

Neddy: Eccles, my poor, poor Eccles

Eccles: How do you recognise me?

Neddy: Who else wears a reconditioned head?

Eccles: I've been looking everywhere for you. For the last ten days I've been
up the main street whistling the secret tune

Neddy: Any contacts?

Eccles: Yeah, two ladies took me home (laughs)

Neddy: Time's running out, I wonder who the secret highly skilled mysterious
British agent is. Try whistling it once more.

Eccles: Okay. (whistle secret tune)

Neddy: Shh. Shh What luck! There's someone answering the call.

Peter: (Jewish businessman, Louis) You the one who's been doing all the
whistling?

Eccles: Yeah

Peter: For Lord's sake turn it up, we're trying to get some kip upstairs

Neddy: Blast! Where the devil can the the highly skilled British agent be?
(silence) Where can the mysterious British agent be? (coughs, then
shouts) Where can the mysterious deaf British agent -

Bluebottle: I heard you call, my highly skilled mysterious cap-i-tain. Sorry I
didn't hear you first time, but my Dan Dare super cut-out
cardboard radio receiver failed at a crucial moment. Moves
upstage, strikes heroic pose, unstrikes it when trousers fall
down. Hee-Hee. Your turn

Neddy: Tell me, who are you, you dirty-nosed Goon?

Eccles: Well I'm Eccles, I told you that -

Neddy: Not you! You!

Bluebottle: I am secret agent Bluebottle. Strikes mystery pose in army surplus
night-shirt covered in egg stains. See, I will now show my naudic
features. Whips off false beard, false ear 'oles and dirty big
cardboard nose. OlŽ!

Neddy: But you look exactly the same without them!

Bluebottle: I know, I was disguised as myself. Hee-Hee. I have made a little
jokells. Hee-Hee. Waits for audience applause, not a sausage.

Neddy: Tell me, little stringy chinless agent, what are the secret orders?

Bluebottle: You are to follow me to the football stadium. There we are to
insert the dreaded dynamite into the football boots of every
Hungarian player. And, when they kick the ball, aieeee-hey-hey

Neddy: Aieeee-hey-hey. So that's the plan. Right, lead on.

Peter, Spike and Harry sing with Orchestra: Give me some men, some stout
hearted men, who will fight

FX: DOOR OPENED VIOLENTLY

Neddy: In here, lads. This is their changing room. Now, those must be their
boots. Now, insert the dynamite in the toecaps

Bluebottle: Right, here Eccles. Hold these three red sticks of dynamite

Eccles: Wait a moment, one of these is a stick of Blackpool Rock

Bluebottle: Oooh! Are you sure, Eccles?

Eccles: Of course I'm sure. Just a minute. (tastes it, swallows)

GRAMS: EXPLOSION

Eccles: Of course I could be wrong

Bluebottle: Hee-Hee. look at Old Eccles. He has blown all his toothy pegs out
of his mouth. Hee-Hee. What a funny! Hee-Hee -

GRAMS: EXPLOSION

Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you, Eccles. You rotten swine, you! While I was
laughing you dropped a stick of dynamite down my trousers! Oh,
I'm expos-ed. Expos-ed to the elements. Aiiigh! Moves left,
places scout hat over shattered area, continues with the play.

Neddy: Are you both all right?

Eccles: Yup!

Neddy: Curse! Ah, never mind. I've fixed their boots. Now, back to the
embassy

GRAMS: TWO WHOOSHES

FX: DOOR BEING SHUT

Neddy: Ah, Bloodnok. Switch on the radio, quick.

Major: Right, the match has just started

Eccles: Goodie goodie goodie

GRAMS: FOOTBALL CROWD ATMOSPHERE

Peter: (BBC Announcer voice) And the teams are just coming on to the field
now, Hungary versus England.

Neddy: Ha-Ha. This is the end of the Hungarians, lads!

Peter: The match was nearly called off because the British team forgot their
football boots, but the Hungarians sportingly gave them theirs.

Neddy and Eccles: No, No! Stop the match! Stop! No!

ORCHESTRA: START THEME TUNE, BUT -

Bluebottle: Noooo! Stop it! Stop the tune! I say, is that the end of the game?

Neddy: Yes, you little shattered unit

Bluebottle: Ooh, that was a rotten game! I don't like playing that game!

Eccles, Neddy and Eccles argue, ends with Bluebottle "I'll get you for that at playtime Eccles!"

ORCHESTRA: THEME TUNE

Wallace: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter
Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington
Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally
Scott. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade.
The programme produced by Peter Eton.

ORCHESTRA: ENDS THEME, THEN PLAYS OUT WITH QUARTET
AND MAX GELDRAY