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Bill and Windows related pics

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do. So okay, Windows does that. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's true with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, run on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus

"Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..."
"Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?" "It's tiiiiime..." "Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and..." "Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter." "Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..." "Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me." "Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..." "Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells..." "What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire." "Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..." "Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share." "Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator." "That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs." "Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!" "Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?" "Interesting. Tell me more." "Wait a minute. What's in it for me?" "I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second." "Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable." "Disable what?" "Disable Java support in Internet Explorer." "You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?" "That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes." "The Department of Justice will..." "Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?" "It's an industry standard..." "It's an industry hallucination." "There will be a public outcry..." "From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their nosehairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee." "What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?" "Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'" "What about other platforms..." "Like Intel has competition?" "Interactive TV..." "We call it WebTV in Redmond." "Venture capitalists have invested billions..." "To get a date with Kim Polese." "Sun will write a plug-in..." "Not without the hidden APIs." "Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay." "Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..."

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min50%heat// Then enter: If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will recognize the MS TV Dinner, configure itself, and cook the dinner automatically. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat, and cook the dinner precisely. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to
self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer were riding in a car, when suddenly it stalled. The three passengers considered what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggested stripping down the electronics of the
car. The chemical engineer suggested flushing the fuel system. The Microsoft engineer shook his head. "Why don't we close all
the windows," he suggested, " get out, get back in and open the windows again- and then maybe it will work."

God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those whom he considered the three most influential people in the world - Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates. "The world will end," God told them. "You must go tell the people." President Clinton made a live statement on CNN. "I have good news and I have bad news," he said. "The good news is that we have been right, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world." Castro sent out a worldwide message to all Communisits. "I have bad new and worse news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wrong all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world." Bill Gates go on his computer and sent out a worldwide e-mail on the Internet. "I have good news and I have better news," he wrote. "The good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most influential people in the world. The better news is that we don't have to upgrade Windows '95!"

Bill Gates in Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering. "Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first." "Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?" Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?" "Yes." "Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not." "You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment." "Job assignment?" "Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not that Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait. "Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries." "I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up." Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!" "We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!" Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... Macintoshes .... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code! The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???" "You're forgetting something," said Abraham. "What's that?" asked Bill plaintively. "This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then .... .... GO TO HELL!"

Another merger in the works.....

Microsoft solution...

Press release:

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer. In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against
Tamagotchi maker, Bandai.

Microsoft is claiming that the Tamagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with kids) is an infringement of it's ntellectual copyright. Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly, attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringement on our technology". The Bandai company spokesperson refused to comment on the suit.

If Microsoft Built Cars

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.(Kushibo!)

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to by an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

What if Bill Gates Ran NASA:?

10) "We come in peace" replaced by "We come to make money."

9) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." (Oh, I'm sorry, that's the Borg slogan.)

8) The first 2 or 3 Revisions of all equipment (rocket, space suit, etc.) kills its operators.

7) Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem." Mission Control: "Please hold for Tech Support, and have your credit card number ready."

6) Hubble Space Telescope flaw described as "a feature, not a bug"; astronomers told to squint.

5) U.S. actually second to land men on the moon; had to wait for somebody else to do it first so we could copy them.

4) General public still believes NASA was first thanks to superior marketing.

3) Mars Pathfinder misses planet due to Pentium FDIV bug.

2) Instead of actually building the International Space Station, NASA just buys the Russian space program and renames Mir.

And the number one way things would be different if Bill Gates ran
NASA...

1) After buying Mir and upgrading its systems with NASAsoft Windows 95, the on-board computer crashes twice as often.

The difference between GM and Microsoft is that when GM finds a defect in its cars, it recalls all of them for a free repair, while when Microsoft finds a bug in its software, it offers you a $75 dollar upgrade.

"Woe to you, oh earth and sea. For the Devil sends the Beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the Number of the Beast, for it is a human number. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six." Revelations (New Testament)

The real name of the Microsoft C.E.O. is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of the third (3rd).

By converting the letters of his current name to their equivalent ASCII values and adding his (III), you get the following:


B -66
I - 73
L -76
L -76
G -71
A -65
T - 84
E - 69
S - 83
+ 3
__________
666 !!!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???


Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1

77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49= 666

W I N D O W S 9 5

87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666

You decide....

Dear Abby -

I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny
"The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft?

Worried in Altona

Windows 95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.

"Not you again," I said. "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here." Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. "No," I said. "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask." "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy." "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one." "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95." The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said. "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?" "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy." "People without computers?" "Got 'em." "Amazonian Indians?" "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes." "The Amish." "Check." "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?" "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you." "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?" "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely." "No." "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me. "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something." "It did." "Pardon?" "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple." "So what happened?" "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace." "Go away," I said. "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail." "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL." "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said. "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash." "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident." "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?" "Terrible. There's an active volcano there." "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said. "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?" The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me. "'Windows 95... For Pets'?!?!?" "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said. I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing

.Win95 vs Jesus Christ

If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analists and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you
probably believe it. Could it be?

Let's compare Windows 95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:

Jesus Windows 95

Said, "Surely I come quickly." | Has been promised "any day now." Is taking a lot longer to actually | Is taking a lot longer to arrive actually arrive. Can walk on water. | Can crawl on a 486. Sits in judgement at the pearly gates.| Will be used to judge Bill Gates. Bible says, "In Him, all things are | Windows 95 doesn't even possible." run all possible Windows apps. Started life as a carpenter. | Turns perfectly good computers into furniture. Born in a manger. | Resembles something found in a barn. Remembered for protecting the weak. | Has weak memory protection. Was raised from the dead. | Was created from Windows 3.1. Jesus performed great works for | Windows 95 multitasking the multitudes performance barely works. Jesus has no sin. | Windows 95 has no shame.
You decide.

Bill Gates died and found himself being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also tried to copy the MacOS and created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked. "I'll leave that up to you." God replied. "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven." "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," replied God, "as you desire." ...So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed. "How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????" "...Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1...This is Hell 95."

While the Bill Gates family is moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be complete until the end of the year. We listen in on a discussion Mr. Gates is having with his housing Contractor... Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room or you can use a Stacker." Bill: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the sofa... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Your old bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way." Bill: "(sigh) Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

If Brussels Police Department worked like Microsoft/Windows Support
"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh. Yes. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Country?"
"The USA"
"Native language?"
"English"
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?" "Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie." "We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?" "Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie." "Have you visited the Prime Minister before?" "Yes"
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No"
"Hmm. Have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes"
"Any pies then?"
"No"
"Okay, well. Let&rsquo;s try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."
"Just a minute." <several minutes pass> "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not"
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels
Police Department. <click>"

Top ten reasons that Bill Gates would run for president.

1. He wants to buy an old Cesna, paintit flashy colors, and call it Air Force '95.
2. He heard that some government agencies were using UNIX.
3. He wants to get that illegal sports car in SF Bay into the US.
4. He just thinks it would be neat to be president of two big thingies.
5. He's hot for Janet Reno.
6. His ego needs to be inflated.
7. He lost the key to his mansion, so he needs a new place to live.
8. He thinks that he can use MS Money to balance the budget.
9. He feels that Perot just didn't throw enough money at it.
10. He wants to make Windows '95 the official operating system of the USA.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000 ;-)

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?" Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.