Battle Zone

Words of Wisdom

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future wntil he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow seem to deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Some Definitions of Marriage

ARCHITECT: A man is said to be incomplete before he's married. After that, he's finished.

BANKER: Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay the interest.

CARDIOLOGIST: Love is an itch around the heart that cannot be scratched.

ECONOMIST: Marriage is like a barter trade. There must be a double coincidence of wants.

FIREMAN: Husbands these days are like fires. They go out if left unattended.

GOLDSMITH: Love comes in three rings. The first is the engagement ring. Then comes the wedding ring and then the suffering.

MATHEMATICIAN: Give your wife an inch and she becomes the ruler.

MUSICIAN: Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

OPHTHALMOLOGIST: Love is blind. But marriage is an eye opener.

OPTICIAN: Before you get married, open two eyes. After that, close one eye

PHILOSOPHER: Marriage teaches you forbearances, meekness, patience, thriftiness and a great many things you wouldn't need if you had stayed single.

PIANIST: Marriage is like a piano. How well it sounds depends on how well you keep it in tune.

PLUMBER: Marriage is like a warm bath. Once you get used to it, it is not so hot.

SOLDIER: Marriage is like a besieged castle. Those who are outside try to get in while those who are inside try to get out.

VIOLINIST: Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

WASHERWOMAN: Marriage is the most expensive way to get your laundry free.

A Woman's Random Thoughts

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" The Perfect Man.....Mr. Potato Head...He's tan...he's cute....and if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

10 things you will never hear a woman say.....

1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?

2. You take me out too much. Can't we just stay in?

3. A fake one will do.

4. You look stressed out. Let me give you a blow job.

5. Have a night out with your mates. You deserve it. 6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.

7. My mother is a real old bitch.

8. No. No. You buy me too much already.

9. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy. You know I love it!

10. What headache? 11. Put your money away. Let me buy this round.

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. a.. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. .. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and then look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother, who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration their groins. These men are usually referred to as....."Mr. President.

99 Reasons why beer is better than women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month. *
2. Beer stains wash out. *
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. *
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. *
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. *
6. Beer is never late. *
7. hangovers eventually go away. *
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. *
9. Beer labels come off without a fight. *
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. *
11. Beer never has a headache. *
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. *
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. *
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. *
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. *
16. A beer always goes down gently. *
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies. *
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. *
19. A beer is always wet. *
20. Beer doesn't demand equality. *
21. A beer doesn't care when you come. *
22. You can have a beer in public. *
23. A frigid beer is a good beer. *
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. *
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. *
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. *
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. *
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. *
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. *
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. *
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. *
32. Beer looks the same in the morning. *
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. *
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. *
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. *
36. Beer doesn't get cramps. *
37. Beer doesn't have a mother. *
38. Beer doesn't have morals. *
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. *
40. Beer always listens and never argues. *
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. *
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. *
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. *
44. Beer doesn't demand legality. *
45. Beer is never overweight. *
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. *
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. *
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. *
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. *
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. *
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. *
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. *
53. Beer never changes its mind. *
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. *
55. Beer never asks you to change the station. *
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. *
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. *
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie. *
59. Beer is always easy to pick up. *
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. *
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. *
62. Beer NEVER says no. *
63. Beer is easy to get into. *
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. *
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. *
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. *
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. *
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. *
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. *
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. *
71. Beer doesn't blow you off. *
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. *
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. *
74. Beer doesn't mind football season. *
75. A beer won't make you go to church. *
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. *
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. *
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". *
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around. *
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute". *
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. *
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig *
83. A beer will never make you see its parents *
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. *
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. *
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy. *
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt. *
88. A beer won't smoke in your car. *
89. A beer never watchs opera. *
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission. *
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature. *
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time. *
93. A beer never fishes for compliments. *
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. *
95. Beer tastes good. *
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape. *
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin *
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. *
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall in love

Before - You take my breath away: After - I feel like I'm suffocating

Before - Twice a night: After - Twice a month

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation: After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

Before - Saturday Night Fever: After - Monday Night Football

Before - Don't stop: After - Don't start

Before - Is that all you're having?: After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before - It's like I'm living in a dream: After - It's like I'm living in a dorm

Before - $60/doz.: After - $1.50/stem

Before - Turbocharged: After - Jumpstart

Before - We agree on everything: After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret: After - Fruit-of-the-Loom

Before - Charming and Noble: After - Chernobyl

Before - Feathers and handcuffs: After - Ball and chain

Before - Idol: After - Idle

Before - I love a woman with curves: After - I never said you were fat

Before - He's completely lost without me: After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Time stood still: After - This relationship is going nowhere

Before - Croissant and cappuccino: After - Bagel and instant

Before - You look so seductive in black: After - Your clothes are so depressing

Before - Oysters: After - Fishsticks

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other: After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Before - Passion: After - Ration

Before - Once upon a time: After - The end

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.

My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,

or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.

I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,

or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.

Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.

Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,

and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,

and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.

It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Today's women put on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, assorted make-up/shows/blushes/creams, wonder-bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries....AND then complains that she cannot find a "REAL" man!

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Frankin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret
for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not
being Paul Newman.

Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Men

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Nobody knows; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A Widow

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating Adam? I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect."

How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.

60 Words of Wisdom

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."