General Area

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth II were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "Double or nothing I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replies, "No way; it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her.

In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Famous Quotes
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.

"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.

"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.

"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.

"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.

"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.

"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.

"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.

"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.

"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.

"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.

"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.

"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun,April 15 1912.

"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.

"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.

"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

Jon takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. "Whose dog is tied up out front?" Jon responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?" "Well she's in heat," says the cop." "Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there." "That's not what I mean. Your dog needs bred." "I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine." At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen fellow. You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed." "Go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure-she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible-best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." Puzzlement. Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, "What?"

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

You May Be A Firefighter If....
you have ever had a passionate disagreement on the BEST color to paint a fire vehicle.
have ever uttered the words "I can break the door if you need me to Cap", before actually testing to see if it is locked.
you have ever been dressed from head to foot in rubber and it was not a sexual experience.
you have ever patted down the overtimer looking for ice cream.
your idea of ventilation is done with a chainsaw and not a Bag-Valve-Mask.
You might be in EMS if... You find humor in other people's stupidity...
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm...
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...
Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...
You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...
Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...
You believe chocolate is a food group...
You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...
You believe a good tape job will fix anything...
You have the bladder capacity of five people...
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...
You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol, Noranyl, and Narcan were put in the water instead of fluoride Dentists may be busier but EMS would grind to a halt...
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...
You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of:
(choose one ) migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia
and a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol) the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...
Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint...
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...
You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...
You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-Xanax-emia"...
You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...
You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs with red wine or pizza with beer, while performing gastric lavage...
You believe that "Ask-a-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...
You believe that having an ambulance at a "Health Fair" was his next idea...
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...
You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when it is even remotely calm...
You refer to Friday as Con-Home Dump Day...
You are totally astounded when someone from a convalescent home is understandable...
You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...
You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ...
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...
You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"...
You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit"...
You have ever answered a "lost condom" call...
You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...
Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms...
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"...
You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine...
You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls the E.R. and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...
You have ever issued a "dead head" alert...
You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc , triage nurse, or partner as a "shit magnet"...
Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...
You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"...
You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your coworkers' hearts...
You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain...
You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...
You believe a "Supreme Being consult" is your patients only hope...
You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...
You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...
You believe your patient is demonically possessed...
You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("You've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...
Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...
You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...
You have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"...
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...
You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...
Your idea of gambling is an blood alcohol level pool instead of a football pool...
Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank...
Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...
Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard...
You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...
Your idea of an X-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...
Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent...
You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine...
Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...
You're able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm...
You've been chipping away at your Bachelors Degree for longer than most people take for a Doctorate...
Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline... (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead basted)
You have every referred to subcutaneous emphysema as "Rice Krispies"...
And finally
You might be an EMS professional if you find any of this funny!!!!

On one of his training calls during paramedic school my friend Mike was called to a trailer in one of the many mobile home parks in southern California. The resident of this particular mobile home had died...several days before. And now the neighbors were just noticing the smell. After forcing entry to the trailer and making their way around all the trash on the floor the crew found the Dead Guy face down in a moldy, half eaten plate of scrambled eggs. Mike's preceptor and their other partner stood around the kitchen/dining room area of the cramped trailer with their arms folded watching Mike run down the exam to confirm that the Dead Guy was truly and completely, once and for all, dead. He attached the cardiac monitor and printed out a copy of the rhythm showing no heart activity, he even listened for heart and lung sounds. The preceptor and his partner exchanged looks with the cop that was there with them as if to say, "Rookies, you can't be more dead than this Dead Guy." Then they noticed something on the table that made them chuckle. After the call, while stopping for a cup of coffee (that the preceptor made Mike pay for) he told Mike during the typical critique of every call, "OK, we really have to work on your 'tunnel vision', you need to pay closer attention on scene to your surroundings. You may miss something really important is if you don't". "What do you mean I thought I was doing well", Mike said. "Oh, your doing OK on your medicine and your 'book smarts' but you need some 'scene smarts' too. Lets take this last call as an example", replied his preceptor, "you really screwed up by not being aware of your surroundings on that one! You are lucky it wasn't a really dangerous foul up. We all have to know what is going on around us at all times for our own safety as well as our patients". "What the heck you mean?" asked Mike, "that was a simple coroners case. The Guy had been dead for days!" "Lets see Mike", said the instructor, "describe the scene in as much detail as you can." "Hmm, we got to the mobile home and had to force entry. When we got inside I found this guy dead sitting at the kitchen table. He was rigorous and had dependent lividity and decomposition had started to set in. The whole place was totally filthy. Stains on the walls and trash everywhere, about a weeks worth of dirty dishes in the kitchen and the whole place smelled like the Dead Guy. Oh yeah, and I had to keep shoving his cat off the table so I could check his condition". "Aha, now we can cut to the chase, tell me about the Dead Guy's cat, Mike, what did it look like?" "I don't get what you mean , it was a big old black cat. Pretty big for a house cat too." "I'll give you some slack on this one being you are from the Bay Area, I don't know what the cats in the Bay Area look like, but down here in L.A. our cats have fluffy tails and not skinny pink ones. Did this cat that you kept pushing away from the Dead Guy have a fluffy tail or a long, skinny pink tail?" "He uh, well, I think he had a long, skinny pink tail...................oh shit.................that wasn't a cat..........."

A man was very skeptical of chiropractors, but when no other treatment seemed to relieve the chronic pain in his back, he decided to give it a try. Before his first appointment, he told the chiropractor of his reservations, but after a few adjustments he felt better than he had in years. "What do you think now?" the chiropractor asked. "Well," the man replied, "I guess I stand corrected."

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggis
told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

Perseverance is more prevailing than violence; and many things which cannot be overcome when they are together, yield themselves up when taken little by little. Plutarch (46-120 A.D.)

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a bet. "Let's say we bet $50." Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hold, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he announces. Jon looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon said. "I have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his barchelor friend: "Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's pate while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also felt his gleaming pate. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time, it might be to late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected Silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

The Cheque Is In The Mail!?!

* Husband to wife: "I feel like an infielder for the Orioles
baseball team, trying to catch your cheques before they bounce."

* Husband: "Your last cheque just came back"
Wife: "Oh good ! What can we buy with it now ?"

* Wife to husband: "The way you argue about money, 'budget' is
just another name for a quarrel."

* Wife to husband: "At least we don't have to worry about keeping
up with the Jonses, they passed us many years ago."

* Husband to wife: "I've finally figured out what's wrong with our
budget. There's too much month left at the end of the money."

* Wife to husband: "The way we abuse the budget, we should be
allowed to use handicapped parking."

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE '90s WHEN . . .

20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your bookmarks.
17. You have a "to-do list" that includes entries for lunch and restroom breaks, and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
16. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore.
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbours.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock

MODERN PERSPECTIVES ON LIFE:

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
You never really learn to pray until your kids learn to drive
Monday is a tough way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him your tooth, Honey."

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Letters to a pastor

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

What a Baby Costs

"How much do babies cost?" said he
The other night upon my knee;
And then I said: "They cost a lot;
A lot of watching by a cot,
A lot of sleepless hours and care,
A lot of heartache and despair,
A lot of fear and trying dread,
And sometimes many tears are shed
In payment for our babies small,
But every one is worth it all.

"For babies people have to pay
A heavy price from day to day--
There is no way to get one cheap.
Why, sometimes when they're fast asleep
You have to get up in the night
And go and see that they're all right.
But what they cost in constant care
And worry, does not half compare
With what they bring of joy and bliss--
You'd pay much more for just a kiss.

"Who buys a baby has to pay
A portion of the bill each day;
He has to give his time and thought
Unto the little one he's bought.
He has to stand a lot of pain
Inside his heart and not complain;
And pay with lonely days and sad
For all the happy hours he's had.
All this a baby costs, and yet
His smile is worth it all, you bet."

We've all had bosses who were fond of those inspirational posters that are supposed to make us work harder and not complain about pay. Here are some sayings we'd all really like to see printed on those posters. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job ... someday. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. If you think we're a bad company, you should see our competition. Rome didn't create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those that opposed them. We put the "k" in "kwality". Two days without a human rights violation. Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?" We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick. If at first you don't succeed, try management. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Pride. Commitment. Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

Idiot Sightings

Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "Sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah", she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know", the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. "I wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that? The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"