General AreaAn old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing the dishes. As John was playing she could hear her son saying "come on all you ass-holes get off the fuck'n airplane we've got a schedule to keep. All right all you cock suckers get on the airplane and sit the fuck down we're taking off in two minutes." When Johns mother hear this she went outside and told John to go to his bedroom because he was grounded for 2 hours. 2 hours later Johns mother came into his bedroom and told him if he could play nice he wasn't grounded anymore. So John when back outside to play with his airplane "OK all you nice people please hurry off the airplane we have to leave on time, thank you" "All right all you wonderful passengers please get on the airplane we have to leave in 2 minutes, thank you." "And all you people in back complaining about the 2 hour delay see the bitch in the kitchen".
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions: "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "Peter, Peter something or other..."
A nun walks into a corner liqour store and asks the man behind the counter for a fifth of wiskey . To which the man asks her why a nun would need a fifth of wiskey and the nun replies that it is a medical emergency . the man finally agrees to sell the nun the fifth of wiskey.later that evenig as he is closing the store he sees the nun on a park bench drunk off her ass. the man walks up and asks the nun what happened you said you needed that wiskey for a medical emergency? I did replies the nun it was for mother superoirs constipation .cause when she sees me shes gonna shit!!
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited. "Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George. "George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam. "Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said, and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions. "Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam."OK, OK, let's go!" said George."Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam. "Sure" says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren’t for pick-pocketers I’d have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why if I wasn’t born a boy.... I’d have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend
.My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet
.When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I’m very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we’ll ever find them? He said ... I don’t know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me? He said... I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him .... If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you’re ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD? At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy. “No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Fridayevening that reads: "Dear Wife (that's what he called her):I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him thatread as follows: "Dear Husband (that's what she called him):I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
Dear God,
So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm really happy about that so far. But, in a few minutes Lord, I'm going to be getting out of bed. And, then I'm really going to need a lot of help
Thank you,
Amen
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them: First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine!" Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cowswe've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im 'til I run him off or kill'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS!" -Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to ‘take care of’. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows!" They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 5700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. -First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." -Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, to find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. -First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. -Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
A priest and a carpenter were on the church roof repairing it. The carpenter hit his thumb with his hammer, and said,”God damn it, I missed!” The Priest looked at him and said,” One of these days, God is going to strike you down with a thunderbolt for taking His name in vain.” The carpenter apologized to the priest, and went back to work. A little while later, the carpenter hit his thumb again, and said,” God damn it! I missed!” The priest said,” You know God will strike you down with a thunderbolt for taking his name in vain.” The carpenter apologized , and went back to work. a few minutes later, the carpenter hit his thumb again, and said “God damn it! I missed”. Before the priest could say anything, A bolt of lightning came down and struck the priest. The carpenter looked around, and heard a voice say,”Fuck it! I missed!”.
“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?” “Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of course not, dear” said the husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, dear” he said. “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” “Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. “Yes” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband. “I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes?” “I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.” “Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed.
Barbara the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Barbara,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Barbara. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Barbara asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Barbara knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Barbara replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Barbara. "oh, and by the way," said Barbara, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Three Presbyterians arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter quizzed each on the meaning of Easter. The first said it's that day in November when the family gets together, eats turkey, and watches football on TV. St. Peter lamented the state of religious education. The second said it must be the day in July when we set off fireworks and have patriotic parades. St. Peter was even more disappointed. The third described the entrance into Jerusalem, the Last Supper, the Betrayal, the Crucifixion, and burial in the tomb sealed by a round stone. St.Peter was really encouraged and happy - until the supplicant explained that each year the stone is rolled away, Jesus comes out, and if he sees his shadow there are six more weeks of winter."
An eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,"Look's like you just blew a seal." To which the eskimo replied,"No, that's just frost on my mustache."
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’ The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN"T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read:
Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON"T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
There were two blondes, one on each side of the lake— the one yells across to the other one— how do i get to the other side--- the second blonde yells back— you are on the other side!!!!!
This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. low and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.""Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-M .
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter."The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'b be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
