General Area

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires." "Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some."

Munchkin tells me, "I am a Paramedic, recently I was called to a scene where a man in his late 60s had died and obviously been there a couple of days. We searched for any sign of trauma.... None. We looked for anything that might indicate a medical problem... heart meds etc..... None. The only medicine we found: Viagra. About that time the coroner arrived (a strikingly pretty gal) who asked me, "How long has he been dead?" I replied a couple of days, she said, "Oh so he is stiff then?" I handed her the Viagra bottle and said, "In more ways than one..."

Harlan says there's a Judi who works at his place: Our receptionist, (yes, she is a blonde), often takes orders to call out for pizza on nights we work late. One night, after placing an order for two pizza's from around the corner, we asked her how long it would be. She said she was told 40 minutes. When we commented to her that we thought that was a long time, she responded "that seems about right, it takes 20 minutes to cook a pizza and we ordered 2 of them".

Heather works with a Russian gent who is trying to learn the idiomatic phrases of English. At the end of the workday another worker always comes in the office and asks if there's anything they can do for us before they leave. A girl jokingly said once, "Yeah, you can go to the bathroom for me." The next day, the Russian gent (trying to fit in) decided to answer "can we do something for you before we leave?" and he said, "Yes, take my dick to the bathroom."

Allen was in a store that was playing Steve Miller's "Jet Liner". He said there was some kid next to him that had the lyrics completely screwed up and was singing, "Big Old Rat Had A Light On . . ."

Computers: Are you addicted?

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act. You kiss your girlfriend's home page. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue? You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. You refer to your age as 3.x. You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. or [C]ontinue? You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html You actually try that 123.elm.street address. Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless. You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher." You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. You forget what year it is. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net". You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.: True dont you think???

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

A Useful Tool

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 7 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sounds resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. As you have already no doubt guessed, the answer to this riddle is none other than your very own toothbrush.

There was a little boy playing in his front yard, and his grandpa was sitting on the porch watching his grandson play. The grandfather saw the little boy pull a worm out of the ground, so the grandfather went up to his grandson and said, "Hey son, I'll give you five dollars if you can stick that worm back into the hole you pulled it out of." The little boy thought it would be easy enough so he tried. After a while the boy was about to give up, but suddenly he ran inside and got a can of his grandmothers hairspray. He sprayed it all over the worm and let it dry and then he stuck it back into the hole. The grandpa said, "Well, boy that's a neat trick, here's your five dollars." The next day the little boy was playing again and the grandfather came up to him and handed him another five dollars. The little boy said, "What is this for?" The grandfather said, " Your grandmother thought it was a neat trick too!"

There was a woman in a tattoo parlor and she asked for a tattoo on the inside of her right thigh. The guy asked her what of and she told him a turkey. He thought that over for a second ask then asked, "A turkey? Whatever you say." So he gave her the tattoo and about a month later she showed up again asking for a tattoo of Santa Claus on the inside of her left thigh. One again he looked at her like she was crazy but did as she wished. While she was paying for the second tattoo he couldn't help but look up and ask, "Miss, just out of curiosity, why did you make the choices you did?" And she replied, "My husband says he only gets good eating between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Did you hear about Michael Jackson and the Boyscouts?.................he's up to two packs a day!
Recently Michael opened an amusement park...............you have to be at least 4 feet tall to ride Michael!
After Michael's terrible breakup he started playing the field..........the little league field!
Why are Michael Jackson's pants so short?..................they're not his!
What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?..................39 year old meat between 11 year old buns!

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday!"

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

General Motors Helpdesk

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Slovenia's state-run news agency reported on the death of 'passionate' fisherman Franc Filipic, 47, who drowned after hooking a huge lake sheatfish (like a catfish) and refusing to let go as he waded in and was pulled under. Friends reported his last words were 'NOW I've got him!' Divers found his body after a two-day search.

You know you are not a kid anymore when...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. Your are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half his age..... and isn't breaking any laws. You call Olan Mills before they call you. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbours borrow your tools . People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" You have a dream about prunes. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!" You send money to PBS. You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandles. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairer than your head. You talk about "good grass," and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated arguement about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You can go bowling without drinking . You have a party, and the neighbours don't even realize it.

TWENTY FOUR BEST RESPONSES IF FOUND ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

24. "Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latent Atrophy Zymosis Yeast Syndrome , DO YOU?!?" (L.A.Z.Y. Syndrome)
21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
13. "I'm doing the Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
9. "I was working smarter, not harder."
8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
7. "I'm in the management training program."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?" The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!" To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...." To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"

A couple were relaxing after a satisfying session of love making. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one nite stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one. "I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said. "Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'."

A stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." "Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading." "Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Margaret the travel agent says: A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and everytime they have accepted my American Express."

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word. "Her Mom's gotta good bod...", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the f@(#ing dishes!!"

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked. "Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door." A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?" "I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He was crawling through the sands, certain that he had breathed his last, when all of a sudden he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he has a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with long black coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis. "Well, kid," said the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," said the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab said: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offiered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"