General AreaDuring the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?" The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him. The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."
A couple of Nuns were in an elevator with a man wearing a raincoat. The man opened his rain coat and flashed them. One nun turned very pale, clutched her chest and said "I think I'm going to have a stoke" The other Nun said, "A STROKE?!? My God I'd never touch the thing!"
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'se gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy."Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now."
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive. The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area. The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it. However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time. As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about. Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the had children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.' Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
This guy is sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. "Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend. "Oh, its my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards...just everything." The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. "I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest." "A pissing contest?" "Surely you can out distance her on that...do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference." "Ok, I'll do it." So he goes home and says to his wife, "I challenge you to distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark." So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his "equipment". His wife says, "Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed."
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "Thats intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his coworker and his coworker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death-we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On entering they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?" He answered, "they're Carol's."
And God created woman.
She had two arms, two legs and three breasts.
And it was good.
And God asked woman what she
would like changed about herself. And she
asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in
her hand and asked God what should be done
with the useless boo
And God created man.
A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably, " replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."
"Mom, I'm pregnant." "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex? "That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it. Now I ride on escalators all the time.
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!" "Why would you want to divorce him for that?" "Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time". "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids." The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears." The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. He said, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done. I threw away the outsides of my Oreo Cookie.
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates. "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc. "We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags." Whereupon. St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
The king of the jungle was experiencing a disturbing threat to
his authority. Although he was held in fear and awe by all the
jungle beasts, some small birds had absolutely no fear of him. In
fact, they cheekily nested in his mighty mane. Try as hard as he
would, he could not rid himself of their presence. No amount of
scratching or shaking, stamping or roaring seemed to faze them.
Their constant chirping, cheeping and general folderol was really
driving him bonkers. In desperation, he approached the local
village and sought the help of the witch doctor.
"Hmmmm" he hummed, "I can see your problem, but I
can easily fix it". He began to dance a warding dance as he
gesticulated in no particular manner, concluding with unbuttoning
the lions vest, tossing in a handful of yeast and buttoning the
vest up again. "Return to your domain, O king of the beasts,
and by morning you will be rid of the bane of the birds" he
chanted. The next morning the lion awoke to a pleasant silence.
The birds were gone! Eagerly he rushed back to the village and
confronted the witch doctor. "How did you do it?" he
anxiously asked. "Quite simple" replied the witch
doctor "because I know that yeast is yeast and vest is vest,
and never the mane shall
tweet".
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to
have sex? It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual
activity on the days that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip. Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a (groan) "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No, not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when" He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
"Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails. "We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat."
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it. But I decided on ketchup for my burger.
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd. Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, "Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I
fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the
judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's
arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he
chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench,
and walked out.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a
positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out,
"there is no language wherein a double positive can form a
negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah. Right."
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slippd and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects though." "Whats that?" the doctor asks anxiously "Well, everytime I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"
A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, go ahead. I'll give it a try!"
STEP ONE:
Pick a number between 1 and 100.
Multiply it by 5.
Add your age minus the number in family.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on one side of a piece of paper.
STEP TWO:
Pick another different number between 1 and 100.
Multiply by 1998.
Add the number in your family and subtract your age.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on the other side of the piece of paper.
STEP THREE:
Take the first 2 digits of your home phone number and add them to
the
last 2 digits of your work number and multiply by 365.
Write the number on a new sheet of paper.
STEP FOUR
Fold the first page in half.
Now fold the second page.
Place them side by side.
Now pick up the two sheets - sheet one in your left hand and
sheet two
in your right hand.
NOW....
Find a bin/drawer and place the sheets in it.
Now using both your hands,
slap yourself around the head while repeating:
"I'm a stupid person who wastes too fuckin much time on crap
like
this."
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word." The priest sighed and told him to continue. "Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
Guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week." I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his "Little Willie" and begins to laugh hysterically. The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important." Two days went by and the construction workers couldn?t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said ?it?s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important." "Well, who was it?" The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"
Ole was sitting at the bar, getting pretty sloshed, and mentioned something about Lena being out in the car. After quite a while, the bartender became concerned about Lena, as it was cold out, and went outside to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw Ole's buddy, Sven, really going at it with Lena. The bartender shook his head and returned to the bar. He walked over to Ole and told him that he thought it might be a good idea to run out to the car and check on Lena. Ole staggered off the barstool, went outside to the car, and sure enough, there were Sven and Lena, still going at it. Ole walks back into the bar, laughing and laughing. The bartender asked him what was so funny. Ole said, "That damned Sven! He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club (work with me here). The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
Why does Bill Clinton have a clean conscience? He's never used it.
An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband." The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split." To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"" That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing.Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"" That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
Judi spotted Jon across a crowded room at a convention in Las Vegas. Easing up next to him, Judi asked Jon if he would like to join her for a drink. "I don't know," said Jon. "I've got a wife and two kids at home..." To which Judi replied, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." Jon thought about it for a second and then agreed. A few drinks later, Judi invited Jon up to her room for a nightcap. When Jon hesitated again, she said, "I don't know you. You don't know me. They don't know us, and we don't know them." And Jon agreed. After a few more drinks in Judi's room, the two of them were starting to get pretty friendly, and judi asked if Jon would be interested in a little party. Jon, bewildered, exclaimed, "If don't know you, you don't know me, they don't know us, and we don't know them, then who the hell are we going to invite?!"
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!
Ed told me his friend was going thru a divorce and told him "I call my ex-wife Maranda. She used everything I ever said against me in a court of law." Diana said, After my recent breakup and the hell I went through, I quickly dropped a few pounds. Not quite Ally-McBeal- thin but close. I ran into a friend of mine who was surprised at the quick change and commented, "Damn, you've lost a lot of weight". My response to him, "Yep, lost 220 pounds of fat German bastard".
My good friend Doc was telling me he and his wife were
splitting up the debts and assets. The main asset, of
course, was the house. My ex's *truly* serious
suggestion: "Since the house payment is a little more
than the credit card payments, I'll do you a favor and take the
house and the house payment and you can take the credit card
debt." (Did you divorce Judi,
Doc?)
Di's hairdresser friend caught her husband fooling around with a customer and promptly kicked him out. A few days later, she received a call from the woman whom her husband had been fooling around with. The woman said, "I know this is a difficult situation, but does this mean you won't still cut my hair?" Karen was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police officer, asked the judge to please remind her to re-register a gun he'd given her in her name. "You see, your honor, to buy it, I had to register it in my name." The judge said, "Why's this so impor- tant?" "Because, Your Honor, I don't want to be shot with 'my own gun'." The judge had to hold a piece of paper in front of his face to hide his laughter. Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale- Ex Wife. Take over payments."
When Linda was moving out of her place, she'd found a bag of marijuana seeds in the dresser drawer. She tossed 'em out into the raised vegetable beds. "A few months later, a friend called me and told me that my ex had been busted by the cops for growing pot in the back yard!"
Leo said, "It was all going OK until we split the house. Seems I got the OUT-side."
Joan said her ex husband would still come by after their split to do the garden, clean the house. I came home one day to find him there and we had a fight. He sat on the couch and I stood, and we yelled back and forth about how he was no longer welcome in the house. Finally, we calmed down. He apologized for yelling and I apologized for not telling him his right testicle was hanging out of his shorts the whole time we were fighting. Jodi said: My husband and I are getting a divorce because of religious differences. I'm Methodist and he's Satan. Thanks to all of you who wrote in with words of support. I very much appreciate it!
