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T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

Notes on Dieting
1.If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2.When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.
3.When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
4.Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e.g. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
5.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6.Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. e.g. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7.Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8.Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9.If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon.
10.Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

At college, I worked for the film society where I was once asked, "Excuse me, what time is the midnight movie?" I found this quote last year in CMJ New Music Monthly: "Uh, what movies was he in?" -- Pamela Anderson at the Cannes Film Festival , responding to the question, "Do you read Kierkegaard?" Ah, poor Pamela.

On Daily Variety's Movies in Production Page, there was a recent listing for a future movie entitled, Postal Worker. The entry read, "Postal Worker. Now shooting in New Mexico..."

Chris Knight discovered a campaign sign from a politican which said, "I am willing to work for a change."

From Ted Brosseau whose office was recently having a meeting about their benefits package. One executive suggested adding group burial insurance which prompted his secretary to respond, "No, I don't want to be buried in a group."

"No Children allowed" -- A sign in a hospital maternity ward.

From Friendly's, the slowest restaurant on the planet: A waitress explaining why my burger was taking a half hour to be served: "I'm sorry. Your burger's gonna take a little longer. The computer was down."

Feedback from a Lemoore Union High School student: "my opinion on your stupid humor is very retarded"

I once went to a baseball game with a friend, and we had the privilege of sitting behind the stupidest eight year old on the planet. He did many stupid things that day, but the stupidest was when he attempted to do the wave. Now, I want to stress that his technique was fine. No doubt about it. He will grow up to be a fine practitioner of the wave. The only problem was that he was holding a big plate of nachos and forgot to put down the nachos before performing the wave. So the result was that his head and shirt (plus portions of my friend) ended up completely covered with nachos. His father, meanwhile, just sighed.

At a McDonald's drive-thru in Baltimore:
Customer: "I'll have an Egg McMuffin and a black coffee."
McDonald's employee: "Would you like cream and sugar with your black coffee?"

Bibi from Norway sent this one in. Her friend wrote to her in a letter, "How nice that your sister had a daughter. Was it a boy or a girl?"

At an Osco Drug in Blue Springs, Missouri, Rick Kyanka came across a sign reading, "24 Hor Service." Well, how convenient.

A question asked at a sub shop, "The Buffalo Wings? Those aren't really buffalo, are they?"

A sign on a Kroger grocery store in Detroit: "Closed For Your Convenience"

This is from a recently divorced woman who never really liked her maiden name. Therefore, she decided to keep her married name after the divorce. When she was on a blind date, the man asked what her maiden name was. "I'll tell you, but you'd better not laugh. It's hideous." She told him. "Hideous? Is that German?" He asked.

My mother, bless her, is learning how to use e-mail. Her question this weekend was, "Um, so if I want you to send me e-mail, do I have to give you my password?"

I'm not sure if this is stupid or just plain weird, but this weekend in LA, you can see the film Microcosm. It's a film twenty years in the making that "stars ants, bees, ladybugs, butterflies, and snails" and "provides a unique look at entomological eroticism." Yep, bug porn. I must have missed this trend. I wonder if there's a USENET news group about it.

I was riding a bus in LA. (Wait. No. That's not the stupid part.) The bus pulled up next to an armored truck. The bus driver leaned out the window and said something to the driver of the armored truck. It turns out that the driver of the armored truck had been driving around with the keys to the truck still in the keyhole of the door.

From travel agent John Peterkin who had the following conversation with a traveler:
John: "Your flight leaves Seattle at 8:20 AM and arrives in New York at 5:35 PM with one stop en route."
Traveler: "Um, what state is Enroute in?"

Rob and Maria Lorentzen found a small church with a sign that read, "No trespassing without permission."

Well, I hate to make fun of a fellow temp, but one reader told me about the time she was working on December 24th. As a gesture of good will, the boss announced in the morning that everyone could have half the day off. This prompted a temp receptionist to ask, "Um, which half do we get off?"

My father's friend was recently mailing something to Italy but did not know the postage. When he asked a clerk in a drug store if she knew how much it cost to mail something from the U.S. to Italy, she responded, "Italy? Is that international?" She then looked under the letter I on a chart of the state abbreviations to see if Italy was listed between Iowa and Kansas. On the plus side, she did seem to know the alphabet.

A construction worker wrote to tell me about the time some engineering students from a prestigious university visited his construction site. The iron workers were tying the reinforcing steel bars with wire preparing to pour concrete when one of the soon-to-be engineers asked, "When the concrete gets hard, do you remove the wires?"

And now a story about The Kissing Machine from the Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette. This is a new machine that will cause a tingling sensation when you kiss that special someone (or anyone else for that matter). The article describes how it works: "Connect an RCA cord from The Kissing Machine to your stereo and pop in some music with a good beat; insert one 9-volt battery into the back of the device; turn it on and adjust the pleasure dial to your favorite tingling setting on each love handle; have each person pick up the metal love handles and begin kissing." The tingling sensation is caused by the beats in the music. ("If the music is too loud, the sensation may become too intense.") But of course it's not for everyone: "People who are pregnant, have a pacemaker or heart condition should not use The Kissing Machine. Users also should avoid touching your partner's teeth with your tongue or teeth because it may produce a shock." "From our very first kiss, there was just this spark between us . . . ."

On St. Patrick's Day, reader Pat Taha ran across a friend who was wearing a large green carnation. Pat asked her if she was really entitled to wear it and she replied, "Oh yes. . . all my ancestors were from Scotland."

Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Three nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day, and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear. So, they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door.... "Who is it?????", one of the nuns asked. The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man". The nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "Where do you want the blinds??" A guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition." The man says, "What's that?" St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there? She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven. She asks, "What's that?" He says, "Spell Czechoslovakia"

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ? Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob

Whats the difference between a nigger and a tire ? Tires don't sing when you put chains on them ...

Why do Iraquians carry shit in their wallets ? For identification.

Why did the queer get fired from the job at the spermbank He was caught drinking on the job ...

How do you get four queers on a barstool ? Turn it upsidedown ...

Why do blacks wear widebrimmed hats ? To prevent birds from shitting on their lips.

Why do blacks wear platform shoes ? To stop their knuckles from dragging on the ground.

What do elephants use for tampoons ? Sheep.

How do you say "fuck off" in jewish ? "Trust me!"

Whats the definition of jewish foreplay ? Two hours of begging.

What do you do in case of fallout ? Put it back in and take shorter strokes !

What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes ? Slow natives.

What do you get if you cross a nigger with a gorilla ? A dumb gorilla.

What does it say inside a nigger's lips ? Inflate to twenty pounds.

Why do brixton niggers have such small steeringwheels ? So that they can drive with their handcuffs on ...

Whats the difference between a Jew and a pizza ? Pizzas don't scream in the oven.

Why do Jews have such big noses ? Air is free ...

What did Adam say to Eve ? You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

What do you have when you're up to your ankles in niggers? Afro turf.

What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers ? Fred Astairs face.

What's yellow ugly and sleeps alone ? Yoko Ono.

What do Hockey goalies and westindian girls have in common ? They both change their pads after three periods.

What do you get if you cross a nigger with a monkey ? Nothing, monkeys are too intelligent to fuck niggers.

Why did god create the orgasm ? So that niggers would know when to stop fucking.

What do you do if you see a drowning nigger ? Throw him an anchor.

How do you save a drowning nigger ? Take your foot off his head.

What do you call an Irishman with half a brain ? Gifted.

Why do women have two holes so close together ? In case you miss.

What do you call a beautiful girl in poland ? A tourist.

What is the title of the new Vietnamamese cookbook ? 100 way to wok your dog.

Why don't niggers drive convertibles ? Thier lips would slap them to death in the wind.

Whats the ultimate rejection ? Your hand falling asleep while your having a wank.

What happens when a jew walks in to a wall with a full erection ? He breaks his nose.

How do you know when the barman is really pissed off ? When you find a string in your bloody mary.

Do you know how to save a drowning nigger ? No ?!? Good!

Why is Italy shaped like a boot ? Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.

How did god make puertoricans ? He sandblasted niggers.

Why did the homesexual leave home ? He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Why do Iraquians smell so bad ? So blind people can hate them as well.

What are the three greatest lies ?
Black is beautiful
The cheque is in the mail
Of course I won't come in your mouth.

Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ? Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why did god give the niggers rythm ? Compensation because he fucked up their hair.

What is the only bad thing about the '69' position ? The view.

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth & the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine & asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother & give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea & decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent & when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 & finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he & his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look. The egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!"

THE CREATION OF A PUSSY

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room,there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* - The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* - The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have?" The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club... This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..." A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog..." A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..." A guy walks into a bar. "THUD" OUCH!!!!!!

A fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when he happened on a young steer that had just been slaughtered. It had been hours since his last meal, so he flew down and began to eat. And he ate. And he ate. And he ate. Finally, he had had enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much, though and couldn't get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do next, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. So he climbed to the top of the handle, huffing and puffing all the way and jumped off, thinking that once he was airborne, he would be able to stay aloft. Sadly, he dropped like a rock, splattering windshield-style when he hit the ground. The moral to this story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of bull.

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Two guys are riding to work on the bus. They both see two dogs goin' at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Jeez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that." The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis." The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning. The single one asks the other: "Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?" The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis." The single guy exclaims, "SIX martinis! How come so many?" The husband replies, "Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Vy?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here." He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle-Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit-but, only a glancing blow-and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in "69". "Back ladies, back !" cried the leader, "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, several of her charges had more-or-less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening. "Well, if you... er... must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." "WOW !" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer .

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"

This guy was applying for a job as a flagman / switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "*Why* would you call your brother???" "He's never seen a train wreck before."

The new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia. The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia. At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to 20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident he would find the man miserable. But the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be going to the Super Bowl!"

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee. While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death. The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew. "I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew. "Sex releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator. "Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go???'"

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted: "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?" The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry. She replied: "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels".

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Judi and Gayle were walking down the street. Judi noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Gayle said, "Let me look." So Judi handed her the compact. Gayle looked in the mirror then turned to Judi. "You dumbass -- that's me!

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

A middle aged woman stood watching a little boy standing on the curb, smoking a cigarette and drinking from a bottle of scotch. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, she stalked up to the lad and demanded, "why aren't you in school at this time of day?" "Hell lady, " said the boy, gumping from the bottle, "I'm only four years old."

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swalled his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instruc-tions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctol-ogist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."